My response to helpful advice and guidance is depression and self sabotage, how do I change

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IndependentMe
IndependentMe Posts: 182 Member
in Motivation and Support
Why is it when people give me "advice, even kind uplifting advice, my reaction is to become depressed or angry, and eat? For example:

My mom, "wow you look great, you must be working hard!" (and cannot leave it at that), you were looking so unhealthy, I was worried about you....You need to take care of yourself. I am glad you are trying so hard. I wish I could lose some (she has about 5 lbs to lose, I have 95) Maybe you can give me some advice.
Me, immediately starts eating after she leaves, and grabs a large glass of wine.

Doctor, Your bmi is high, your blood pressure is high, probably due to your weight. You are in a morbidly obese zone. I will not lecture you on what you already know. Start wtih someting small and obtainable, 5 lbs. Walk a bit. You are healthy, right now, let's start working on making sure you stay that way as you get older.
Me: goes home depressed, then angry at how heavy I have gotten, and begins a binge.

How do I stop this emotional reaction to anything that is said to me about my weight, good or bad? I just want to hear NOTHING about my weight. I KNOW I am fat. I am working on it! Really, I need to pick up my big girl pants and stop getting reactionary to any weight related "advice".

Replies

  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
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    While you're working to figure out why, in both of those examples, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to ask the person not to comment on your weight at all because any comments lead to binges. It might not work if you were talking about strangers or even casual acquaintances, but with your mom and your doctor it should be okay for you to say "I know you mean well and are concerned about my weight (or I appreciate the concern/compliment and I know you're being supportive), but right now any attention on my weight is making me feel uncomfortable and leads to me over-eating later. I know that you're concerned and I'm taking steps to address the problem. Right now, I'd appreciate it if we just didn't talk about it." If you're not sure if you can say it out loud, print out your post and just hand it to them to read.
  • IndependentMe
    IndependentMe Posts: 182 Member
    edited February 2017
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    Today I drove home after being told a routine procedure has to be done at the hospital because it is safer for someone of my weight. I forced myself not to stop at store, made a healthy salad and about to walk to the apartment pool for a bit and allow myself to just zen. There is a lot of stress in my life lately, I think I am just looking for excuses. I will just work on taking it a day at a time. I need to think lke the Patriots. Concentrate on the play (day), make it work, and maybe I can achieve the impossible. (Sorry to all you Pat haters....)
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    IndependentMe wrote: »
    \Today I drove home after being told a routine procedure has to be done at the hospital because it is safer for someeon of my weight. I forced myself not to stop at store, made a healthy salad and about to walk to the apartment pool for a bit and allow myself to just zen. There is a lot of stress in my life lately, I think I am just looking for excuses. I will just work on taking it a day at a time. I need to think lke the Patriots. Concentrate on the play (day), make it work, and maybe I can achieve the impossible. (Sorry to all you Pat haters....)

    There's no shame in asking for help you know.

    Your mental health is as important as your physical health.
  • jbeth30
    jbeth30 Posts: 42 Member
    edited February 2017
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    I know what helps me get through the bad days is reminding myself that whenever I do lose the weight I am still going to have bad days. Losing weight is not going to magically change that fact. Learning how to deal with the bad days now is important in maintaining the weight later.losing weight won't make everything suddenly better. You will still have problems and you will still have negative people talking or saying things that hurt your feelings. It's good that your eyes are opened to a couple of the triggers to your binging. That's a good thing. It's good to recognize our triggers and work on them.I have a trigger that whenever I get sleepy or tired and don't get enough rest and then I stay up late then I want to eat and eat and eat. I now realize that I have to force myself to go to bed as soon as I start having that feeling that I just want to eat the house.Binge eating is mostly habit though and it can be changed! You have the power to find your triggers and learn how to change the response to them. It looks like you've already started that process and that's a good thing. Realize we are not perfect. We all have our bad days and eating. There are many times I go way over my calorie limit but I just keep going and keep trying my best every day. On the not so good days I learn from my mistakes and on the good days I am proud of myself so that not one day is wasted...even if I do eat way over.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
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    Food isn't a coping mechanism.

    Sometimes we have to say that until we believe it.

    I'm the type that will use a bad day or a bit of stress as an excuse to overeat. At some point, I realized that, that only made me feel worse. It's great motivation not to do it.
  • fiddletime
    fiddletime Posts: 1,862 Member
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    Wine is my trigger and now I don't drink it. If I want a drink, I'll measure out an ounce or two of scotch and sip that. It isn't a trigger and never leads to glass number 2 or binging. It took me a long time to figure that out. Having the scotch keeps me from feeling deprived, but since I don't like it that much, it's up to me, not the drink. If "I need a glass of wine" is a common refrain for you, your life will be a lot easier if you do something to not have the glass (or more?) of wine. It will probably also help your weight loss journey in fewer calories and less binging.
  • NannersBalletLegs
    NannersBalletLegs Posts: 207 Member
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    My mom triggers me too, so I know those feels! Maybe you could make a list of other things you could do that might make you feel better: call a friend, take up some creative endeavor, find an athletic outlet for pent up emotions (maybe boxing, haha), meditate, walk your dog (or a friend's dog), volunteer somewhere, etc. It could be anything just as long as it redirects your emotions. Good luck!
  • rachelleosborne80
    rachelleosborne80 Posts: 15 Member
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    100% with you. I allow stress to really get to me. My job is high stress and really gets to me by the end of the day. I ate out twice yesterday as a result of my bad attitude.
    I think we could both benefit from therapy... It couldn't hurt, right? :)
  • Sheisinlove109
    Sheisinlove109 Posts: 516 Member
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    I don't know about you but I think when my family/friends mention my weight in a positive or negative fashion it makes me think that 1. I was so bad before and they couldn't say anything but were disgusted by me or 2. They are jealous of my success and can't believe I did it and they have no faith in me. I do realize that is a zero win for them but those type of feelings are a triple negative for me.

    How have I dealt with it? My response is usually "thanks, I'm working hard" and I change subjects.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,015 Member
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    It sounds more like you're mad at yourself, and rightfully so. I was really mad at myself for the years of lack of self-discipline. It's okay, you're addressing it and it is going to keep getting better.

    You really can't control what other people say, and when they are basically well-meaning the best thing to do is learn to say, "Thanks for your concern," or something similar.

    What other people think of me is none of my business.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
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    When every comment throws you into a tailspin, it is a good sign to seek some professional counseling. This option could help you understand why you react this way and steps to give yourself a new outlook.
  • rustychord
    rustychord Posts: 166 Member
    edited February 2017
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    I have had the exact same responses to such comments. I was always a big "before bed sweets eater", and it seemed like it was impossible to just walk upstairs and go to bed...I HAD to go and eat a snack because i convinced myself I needed that to be able to fall asleep.

    I hung a note in the pantry 'YAIC' - You Are In Control. Its a note for you to remind yourself that you can control these binges - I'm not saying its going to be easy but you CAN do it. Once you do it a few times it will become easier. If need be, put it in multiple places. When you see your note that you wrote, you will be reminded of the mindset you were in when you wrote the note. This helps get away from the mindset you would currently have (eat eat eat). You need to pledge to yourself when you write the note that you WONT let any other thoughts overcome you whenever you read it. I was once 370 lbs and this helped me get a start to eventually lose 170 lbs.

    If people want to tell you their opinion in a good way, don't discourage them...use that to keep you motivated to keep going. You Are In Control. You CAN do it.

  • emmarrgh
    emmarrgh Posts: 44 Member
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    I think seeing your pattern and knowing your triggers is a HUGE deal, something to be proud of, and clearly it is helping you, if you can sense you WANT to binge-eat and can avoid it. You went home to have a salad and exercise instead of hitting the drive-thru. That is AMAZING. And it proves you can do it. If you couldn't control it, I'd suggest therapy or outside help. But I feel like you can do this.

    You change exactly how you're doing it right now - knowing your triggers and replacing binge-eating with something else until the feeling passes.
  • ashcky
    ashcky Posts: 393 Member
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    After being a few months into my journey I realized that I needed counseling to remain successful. A lot of issues came bubbling to the surface since I was no longer eating my emotions. Have you thought about counseling? I see mine once every 2 weeks.
  • tgcake
    tgcake Posts: 59 Member
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    To start, I would definitely suggest therapy. Your habits are self-destructive, your coping mechanism (food) is dysfunctional, and the anger isn't helpful either (and might be contributing to your blood pressure). You clearly know this, want to change it, and are trying to change. You don't have to do it alone, and someone who is trained to help you change these behaviours can be incredibly helpful. They can help you find functional coping mechanisms for the stresses in your life.

    I also agree with a previous poster that you can just ask people not to talk to you about your weight. Your mother seems rather passive aggressive and so that might not work with her (sure as hell wouldn't work with my mother) but your doctor should understand.
  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
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    I went to counseling for binge eating about a year ago. It helped tremendously and I don't binge anywhere near as often or as much as I used to. I don't know specifically what changed, but my whole paradigm and outlook changed over time since seeking counseling.

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