What to do about the diet police?
healthypelican
Posts: 215 Member
Growing up, my siblings and I used to sneak food because my mother limited what we would eat. Not healthy food, but snacks like chips and chocolate chips.
Now, as an adult, I have gone back to living with my mother. There is no possibility of moving out for at least the next two years.
The problem is with family. My mother, one of my siblings and my Aunty all make comments about my food.
I regularly like to have fast food or bits of junk, but I can't eat it infront of them. They make negative comments the majority of the time I treat myself, so I sneak food, buy more than I usually would and binge.
Today my mother made a negative comment about some peanut butter I had brought so I ended up binging.
My parents used to pay for me to go to the gym and for personal training, but I just quit. They are still paying for Weight Watchers, but Weight Watchers philosophy is ''do it your way''. I want to mostly eat healthy, and maybe have one small treat a day, or a bigger treat a few times a week, without being criticised.
I don't feel like I am being treated with respect or as an adult. I need to be able to make my own choices. I feel like, if I could do what I wanted without judgement, then I would be tempted less and would eat smaller portions of the treats.
I have been craving donuts for the last 6 weeks, and I haven't brought them because I am terrified of bumping into someone I know.
I just talked to my dad and he said to stop talking about weightloss and to keep hiding the food. Umm, thanks?
Now, as an adult, I have gone back to living with my mother. There is no possibility of moving out for at least the next two years.
The problem is with family. My mother, one of my siblings and my Aunty all make comments about my food.
I regularly like to have fast food or bits of junk, but I can't eat it infront of them. They make negative comments the majority of the time I treat myself, so I sneak food, buy more than I usually would and binge.
Today my mother made a negative comment about some peanut butter I had brought so I ended up binging.
My parents used to pay for me to go to the gym and for personal training, but I just quit. They are still paying for Weight Watchers, but Weight Watchers philosophy is ''do it your way''. I want to mostly eat healthy, and maybe have one small treat a day, or a bigger treat a few times a week, without being criticised.
I don't feel like I am being treated with respect or as an adult. I need to be able to make my own choices. I feel like, if I could do what I wanted without judgement, then I would be tempted less and would eat smaller portions of the treats.
I have been craving donuts for the last 6 weeks, and I haven't brought them because I am terrified of bumping into someone I know.
I just talked to my dad and he said to stop talking about weightloss and to keep hiding the food. Umm, thanks?
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Replies
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I also have the opposite problem- food pushing. People sometimes trying to make me eat junk when I don't want to. Weird.0
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Anyway, I've just signed up for counselling, because about 15 people have suggested it to me- for disordered eating. Wonder what she will suggest?2
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I understand your struggles. I share a place with my sister and when I fixed something healthy, she makes some sort of comment like 'ugh your eating your disgusting crap again' or since I no longer drink sodas, if we go out she'll say 'oh one pop won't kill ya'. Why can't people just be supportive and keep their comments to themselves?7
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It would be hard to feel like an adult when you are stuck living at home with your parents. I've never had to move back home, but I'm lucky enough to have parents who treat their adult kids like adults, so I don't think this would be an issue if I did come home. I feel bad for you. Sounds like your parents are a little more "involved" than mine.
As long as you are dependent on them and living under their roof, they will probably be up in your business. I guess if I were you, I wouldn't eat the junk in front of them. I'm guessing you aren't with them 24/7, right? Just go off and do your own thing when you're not at home. And I agree with your dad. Stop talking about your business (weight loss, snacks, etc.) with them and it won't be the focus anymore. They won't have any ammunition if you don't give them any.
Good luck!
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healthypelican wrote: »Anyway, I've just signed up for counselling, because about 15 people have suggested it to me- for disordered eating. Wonder what she will suggest?
Probably a good idea. Might help you deal with living back at home again, too.1 -
just get a lunch lady whistle and blow it at them annoyingly every time they talk *kitten* until they get the picture. ok ok, not realistic, but entertaining, in my mind. maybe ask them why they think it's their business.6
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Jackie_Paper wrote: »just get a lunch lady whistle and blow it at them annoyingly every time they talk *kitten* until they get the picture. ok ok, not realistic, but entertaining, in my mind. maybe ask them why they think it's their business.
Haha0 -
I would just ignore them. Demonising food causes problems and if they're going to make you feel so guilty that you need to hide food to eat it, that's not healthy. I imagine it's lead to you having an unhealthily relationship with food and so you binge eat to get it down fast to avoid the shame you feel from eating it. Which means you're probably eating more "junk food" than you mean to.
Eat it in front of them and smile, showing how much you're enjoying it. Make sure that you do keep counting your calories and you'll get to your goals while enjoying food and learning to keep eating in moderation. They will see you reaching your goals and hopefully they will shut it. If they don't, at least you can still eat foods you enjoy in moderation and start to move away from the binging.
You're an adult now, even if you're living with your parents you are capable of making decisions for yourself and they should respect that. I imagine though that they're only trying to help you eat better but if they have no idea what and how much you eat and that you are tracking your calories and nutrients, so you should just ignore them. Some people try to help and have no idea that they are actually doing more harm than good.
My family tried doing the opposite, they would try to force feed me absolute garbage and get upset when I was eating healthy and I was buying all my own foods, cooking all my own meals, studying and working. When I started to show the weight loss they would constantly insult me, try to ruin my progress and just generally be pains in the *kitten*. I made the decision that I could not live with them anymore and at that point in my life moving out would be extremely hard but it would be better for my physical and mental health in the long run. It was the best decision I could have made.
If you can't move out at this point in time I would stand your ground and start teaching them that you will not be bullied into feeling guilty for you choices as an adult. You could sit them down and explain to them how their words have affected you or you could just ignore them and enjoy that food in plain sight until they figure out that you really don't care for their opinions.3 -
Jackie_Paper wrote: »just get a lunch lady whistle and blow it at them annoyingly every time they talk *kitten* until they get the picture. ok ok, not realistic, but entertaining, in my mind. maybe ask them why they think it's their business.
I dont think it is so unrealistic. It will annoy the crap out of them so they will either stop talking about your eating habits or they will sit down and have a serious conversation with you. Therapy is an excellent idea, well done on that step
I used to sneak food as a child as well so I have some idea of what you are going through. What helped me was coming to the realization that I can either allow other people to dictate my behavior or I can take control of my life.
I have a colleague that constantly tried to get me to eat junk food with her. In the beginning it was very difficult but the more I said "no thanks" the less she tried.
I have also learned that when I get cravings, it is my brain that wants to food not my tummy. So I eat small amounts of what my brain wants. I have a tin of chocolate chips in the fridge so when I crave chocolate I eat 2 or 3 chips. Tells my brain I had chocolate without eating a whole slab. lol
Just thought I'd share what works for me.
I really hope you find a way of dealing with your family.2 -
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I would tell them what you just told us. This is what you are doing, this is how I feel about it, and I would like you to stop. Sometimes family just needs to be told.
You've gotta find a way of dealing with emotions besides binge eating. I used to do that nonsense. My boss was an a-hole today, I got in a fight with my hubby, my mom judged my career decision or something I did in 1986. I'm going to eat. That will make me happy and show them! Yeah, didn't work, just made me fat.
I think seeing a counselor is a great idea. I loved seeing a counselor. They are awesome at telling you how it really is, rather than how you or your family sees it, and helping you come up with a plan to overcome.3 -
I understand your struggles. I share a place with my sister and when I fixed something healthy, she makes some sort of comment like 'ugh your eating your disgusting crap again' or since I no longer drink sodas, if we go out she'll say 'oh one pop won't kill ya'. Why can't people just be supportive and keep their comments to themselves?
That's weird, if I were her, I'd be happy I didn't have to share my food.0 -
It would be hard to feel like an adult when you are stuck living at home with your parents. I've never had to move back home, but I'm lucky enough to have parents who treat their adult kids like adults, so I don't think this would be an issue if I did come home. I feel bad for you. Sounds like your parents are a little more "involved" than mine.
As long as you are dependent on them and living under their roof, they will probably be up in your business. I guess if I were you, I wouldn't eat the junk in front of them. I'm guessing you aren't with them 24/7, right? Just go off and do your own thing when you're not at home. And I agree with your dad. Stop talking about your business (weight loss, snacks, etc.) with them and it won't be the focus anymore. They won't have any ammunition if you don't give them any.
Good luck!
I think my parents are more involved because I have Bipolar and Aspergers, so they think I'm a bit of a kid. To be honest, I probably have more in common with 15year olds than other 27yr olds.0 -
DietVanillaCoke wrote: »I would just ignore them. Demonising food causes problems and if they're going to make you feel so guilty that you need to hide food to eat it, that's not healthy. I imagine it's lead to you having an unhealthily relationship with food and so you binge eat to get it down fast to avoid the shame you feel from eating it. Which means you're probably eating more "junk food" than you mean to.
Eat it in front of them and smile, showing how much you're enjoying it. Make sure that you do keep counting your calories and you'll get to your goals while enjoying food and learning to keep eating in moderation. They will see you reaching your goals and hopefully they will shut it. If they don't, at least you can still eat foods you enjoy in moderation and start to move away from the binging.
You're an adult now, even if you're living with your parents you are capable of making decisions for yourself and they should respect that. I imagine though that they're only trying to help you eat better but if they have no idea what and how much you eat and that you are tracking your calories and nutrients, so you should just ignore them. Some people try to help and have no idea that they are actually doing more harm than good.
My family tried doing the opposite, they would try to force feed me absolute garbage and get upset when I was eating healthy and I was buying all my own foods, cooking all my own meals, studying and working. When I started to show the weight loss they would constantly insult me, try to ruin my progress and just generally be pains in the *kitten*. I made the decision that I could not live with them anymore and at that point in my life moving out would be extremely hard but it would be better for my physical and mental health in the long run. It was the best decision I could have made.
If you can't move out at this point in time I would stand your ground and start teaching them that you will not be bullied into feeling guilty for you choices as an adult. You could sit them down and explain to them how their words have affected you or you could just ignore them and enjoy that food in plain sight until they figure out that you really don't care for their opinions.
I feel like if I ate unhealthy food infront of them, it would be really disrespectful. They paid for personal training for 18 months and various gym memberships, and they provide healthy food and cook most of the food. I don't want to rub their faces in it, but I don't want to have to hide or cower in shame.
I don't think there's anything I could say to my mother to make a difference, she's pretty much a self proclaimed expert on everything. Although, I think she left me alone more when I was weighing all of my food because it showed that I was in control and I was losing weight, even with the junk.0 -
Jackie_Paper wrote: »just get a lunch lady whistle and blow it at them annoyingly every time they talk *kitten* until they get the picture. ok ok, not realistic, but entertaining, in my mind. maybe ask them why they think it's their business.
I dont think it is so unrealistic. It will annoy the crap out of them so they will either stop talking about your eating habits or they will sit down and have a serious conversation with you. Therapy is an excellent idea, well done on that step
I used to sneak food as a child as well so I have some idea of what you are going through. What helped me was coming to the realization that I can either allow other people to dictate my behavior or I can take control of my life.
I have a colleague that constantly tried to get me to eat junk food with her. In the beginning it was very difficult but the more I said "no thanks" the less she tried.
I have also learned that when I get cravings, it is my brain that wants to food not my tummy. So I eat small amounts of what my brain wants. I have a tin of chocolate chips in the fridge so when I crave chocolate I eat 2 or 3 chips. Tells my brain I had chocolate without eating a whole slab. lol
Just thought I'd share what works for me.
I really hope you find a way of dealing with your family.
But then I will need a whistle on me all the time (lol).
I wish I could stop with small amounts, I want to keep going. I wanted to buy about 40g of chocolate chips to add to something I was making yesterday, but they didn't have pick and mix at the supermarket, so I ended up buying a 200g bag and eating all of them, because I couldn't make the thing infront of my mum because of the peanut butter thing. I was originally going to ask her to look after the chocolate chips so they wouldn't tempt me, but after the peanut butter thing I knew she would freak out if I had brought chocolate as well.
One thing that surprised me was, I never used to be able to trust myself with multipacks of things. If I had a 20 pack bag of chips, I would eat them all in a day. I brought a multipack of popcorn a few weeks ago, and it took me three days to eat 12 packs. It might still sound like too much, but progress! If I had gotten a single serving pack with the same amount of popcorn, I would have eaten the whole thing in one sitting, but started to feel gross after half the bag. I would have kept eating though because the popcorn would have gone stale if I had set it aside. I just feel bad for the environment, creating more waste products (rubbish) by buying multipacks. Also, I've tried dividing up treats into my own bags at home, but it doesn't work for me.0 -
NARCISSISTIC_PUP wrote: »I get it, people at work will ask why I am eating chicken and rice etc
A simple 'Piss off' tends to work
I don't question why they eat cakes and biscuits, why is what I eat any of their business?!
Exactly. Mmm chicken and rice :-)
What I don't get is, if I buy fast food, teenagers will publicly abuse me because I'm overweight, than eat it themselves. Umm, excuse me, its unhealthy whether you are fat or thin?!? hypocrites.1 -
jennybearlv wrote: »I would tell them what you just told us. This is what you are doing, this is how I feel about it, and I would like you to stop. Sometimes family just needs to be told.
You've gotta find a way of dealing with emotions besides binge eating. I used to do that nonsense. My boss was an a-hole today, I got in a fight with my hubby, my mom judged my career decision or something I did in 1986. I'm going to eat. That will make me happy and show them! Yeah, didn't work, just made me fat.
I think seeing a counselor is a great idea. I loved seeing a counselor. They are awesome at telling you how it really is, rather than how you or your family sees it, and helping you come up with a plan to overcome.
My family doesn't listen. Basically, my business is their business. I've given up. Some of it is for my own good (I have Bipolar and can be a bit of a loose cannon), but mostly its annoying.
How did you stop binging? Someone said something critical of me about food right after I had weighed myself and lost 3+ kilos and I felt miserable for a whole week after. I didn't overeat or have any treats but I felt rotten the whole time. I didn't start feeling better until a trip to Burger King. I don't really have any friends that I can talk to/hang out with, they live in other cities and are busy with their own lives, plus I don't like speaking badly about my family to people I know, because I don't want them to take sides and I'm not that person anymore.0 -
healthypelican wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »I would tell them what you just told us. This is what you are doing, this is how I feel about it, and I would like you to stop. Sometimes family just needs to be told.
You've gotta find a way of dealing with emotions besides binge eating. I used to do that nonsense. My boss was an a-hole today, I got in a fight with my hubby, my mom judged my career decision or something I did in 1986. I'm going to eat. That will make me happy and show them! Yeah, didn't work, just made me fat.
I think seeing a counselor is a great idea. I loved seeing a counselor. They are awesome at telling you how it really is, rather than how you or your family sees it, and helping you come up with a plan to overcome.
My family doesn't listen. Basically, my business is their business. I've given up. Some of it is for my own good (I have Bipolar and can be a bit of a loose cannon), but mostly its annoying.
How did you stop binging? Someone said something critical of me about food right after I had weighed myself and lost 3+ kilos and I felt miserable for a whole week after. I didn't overeat or have any treats but I felt rotten the whole time. I didn't start feeling better until a trip to Burger King. I don't really have any friends that I can talk to/hang out with, they live in other cities and are busy with their own lives, plus I don't like speaking badly about my family to people I know, because I don't want them to take sides and I'm not that person anymore.
I am also bipolar and nobody is going to treat me like a child. That is ridiculous. Maybe you need to bring your whole family to counseling so you can all learn to treat you like an adult. You are 27 regardless of your mental health status or who you live with. It sounds to me like you are enabling them to keep having this control over you.
I had pretty mild binging, not like BED or anything. I just realized one day eating my emotions didn't solve anything and every time I felt the need to fix whatever by eating I told myself it wouldn't help and stopped. I know I had it easy. It is something to bring up with your counselor. They are great at dealing with that kind of thing.3 -
jennybearlv wrote: »healthypelican wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »I would tell them what you just told us. This is what you are doing, this is how I feel about it, and I would like you to stop. Sometimes family just needs to be told.
You've gotta find a way of dealing with emotions besides binge eating. I used to do that nonsense. My boss was an a-hole today, I got in a fight with my hubby, my mom judged my career decision or something I did in 1986. I'm going to eat. That will make me happy and show them! Yeah, didn't work, just made me fat.
I think seeing a counselor is a great idea. I loved seeing a counselor. They are awesome at telling you how it really is, rather than how you or your family sees it, and helping you come up with a plan to overcome.
My family doesn't listen. Basically, my business is their business. I've given up. Some of it is for my own good (I have Bipolar and can be a bit of a loose cannon), but mostly its annoying.
How did you stop binging? Someone said something critical of me about food right after I had weighed myself and lost 3+ kilos and I felt miserable for a whole week after. I didn't overeat or have any treats but I felt rotten the whole time. I didn't start feeling better until a trip to Burger King. I don't really have any friends that I can talk to/hang out with, they live in other cities and are busy with their own lives, plus I don't like speaking badly about my family to people I know, because I don't want them to take sides and I'm not that person anymore.
I am also bipolar and nobody is going to treat me like a child. That is ridiculous.
Hmm, I guess it is, isn't it? I think I need extra support in some areas but should be trusted for other things. But what does it mean to be an adult? Its not just stuff like making your own choices, but owning your mistakes, paying taxes, thinking critically, saving for your own car and house, paying all of your own bills, having adult relationships, caring for others etc.... I'm not ready for all of those things. Did I mention I have Aspergers?0 -
If your family is paying for your weight watchers, I can see how they want a say in your food choices...They're looking for a return on their investment. Perhaps they would be less involved in your food choices if you cancel your weight watchers membership and use MFP to keep track of your calories? If they see you managing and controlling your food choices regularly, it might be easier to explain to them that occasionally you treat yourself with fast food while staying within the same calorie goals they see you eat within regularly.4
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There are usually a few threads posted by people living at home with families who don't, won't eat healthy and try to dissuade a person's weight loss efforts. Maybe reading such threads would help you put your situation in a different perspective.3
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MotherOfSharpei wrote: »If your family is paying for your weight watchers, I can see how they want a say in your food choices...They're looking for a return on their investment. Perhaps they would be less involved in your food choices if you cancel your weight watchers membership and use MFP to keep track of your calories? If they see you managing and controlling your food choices regularly, it might be easier to explain to them that occasionally you treat yourself with fast food while staying within the same calorie goals they see you eat within regularly.
It was the personal training that was the big money bomb and I've cancelled it now. My main problem is food. I suggested quiting Weight Watchers and they want me to keep going.1 -
Track here for a week and see if you like it. If you want to make the switch tell your parents you have tried a different app you like and would want to drop the Weight Watchers. It doesn't matter what their answer is. If they want to pay for WW, whatever, but they can't stop you from logging on MFP and using the forums for support.
Also, you never mentioned if you were on any meds. I know from personal experience that antipsychotics give me a strong urge to eat everything. I have a family member on lithium and depakote with the same problem. As long as I remind myself its just the meds telling me I should eat all the food I can leave the kitchen empty handed. It doesn't hurt to look up side effects of medications for "weight gain" and bring up any concerns on your next visit with psychiatrist.0 -
healthypelican wrote: »I feel like if I ate unhealthy food infront of them, it would be really disrespectful.
I suggested quiting Weight Watchers and they want me to keep going.
Looking at these two quotes in the context of the other things you wrote, it seems like you are thinking like a child instead of taking responsibility for your own needs. It is hard to break out of that pattern with one's parents, especially when living with them, but it is possible.
Here's a lesson it took me way too long to learn: Nobody is going to just give you respect. You must respect yourself and firmly but politely demand it from others.
As long as you keep rolling over instead of standing up for yourself, your mother is going to keep walking all over you. You must stand up for yourself. If you are going to eat things that they consider unhealthy, do it in front of them and smile and confidently reject their snide comments when they make them. They are the ones being disrespectful, not you. If you want to quit Weight Watchers, quit Weight Watchers. It's your life. What they want for your life is far less important than what you want, and it's ok to politely tell them that.3 -
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If you want to lose weight the first step is to do it for yourself, not for someone else. I have never been successful when I have tried to lose weight for a parent, spouse or anyone else. Decide what you want to do and why you want to succeed. It has taken me a year to lose 75 lbs but I am doing it for myself. I tried to get my daughter to join me in my weight loss and she basically told me to go take a flying leap and leave her alone so I did. She decided to lose on her own and has lost more than 170 lbs. I suppose the moral of the story is perhaps you may want to tell them you need to do it for yourself and they need to leave you to it and butt out. Good luck. Something my daughter taught me was to quit using excuses and just do it. That was more in line with my exercising but the same thing can apply to food.2
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Today I brought myself a hot chocolate and a donut, and just made some ''healthy fudge'' (cocoa, peanut butter, coconut oil, sugar free maple syrup). Feeling a bit better. I think my dad might talk to my mother to get her to ease up a bit. If I try eating really healthy most of the time and start weighing my food again, I think she might feel more comfortable with things.0
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healthypelican wrote: »MotherOfSharpei wrote: »If your family is paying for your weight watchers, I can see how they want a say in your food choices...They're looking for a return on their investment. Perhaps they would be less involved in your food choices if you cancel your weight watchers membership and use MFP to keep track of your calories? If they see you managing and controlling your food choices regularly, it might be easier to explain to them that occasionally you treat yourself with fast food while staying within the same calorie goals they see you eat within regularly.
It was the personal training that was the big money bomb and I've cancelled it now. My main problem is food. I suggested quiting Weight Watchers and they want me to keep going.
I agree with so many other posts. Here's a chance to take a test run at being an adult and making this small decision for yourself. You've dug a pretty deep hole with the personal training costs and feel like you owe them for life, but we don't, or at least shouldn't do things for loved ones so that we permanently own them and can lord it over them for the rest of our lives. It doesn't have to be handled like a slap in the face, either. Thank them for the personal training, weight watchers, etc and let them know you'd like a shot at trying things out your way, and although things may be different and perhaps a bit uncomfortable, you hope they can hang in there and patiently bear with you for a while.
Every adult feels overwhelmed and feels like they have to deal with insurmountable tasks from time to time. For me, I try not to think about the whole picture ALL the time when that happens. I handle the little bit(s) I can, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. Perhaps your mother is so involved because she wants to see you be successful. It might be a relief when she sees you taking steps to taking charge of your life - you never know!
As to your having snacks and a tendency to eat the whole thing, I still have the same issues. I'd buy the single serve options that I didn't mind eating the whole pack, and generally speaking, not keep the rest of it in the house. More recently, I bought a Kitchen Safe (ksafe they call themselves now? - pls google if interested) and do like the product.2 -
"I've logged the food, so it's part of a healthy weight management plan."
If someone then came out with that it was still unhealthy, I would point them to well researched articles such as this one - https://rippedbody.com/nutritional-hierarchy-importance-calories/ - and suggest they learn about it.
Of course, if the calories were outside my plan, I'd probably say "yes, I shouldn't be doing this". If that happened regularly, I'd be looking to find a way to stop that happening.
(I work much better on my own with fairly limited amounts of food around - I'm a sucker for the temptation of full cupboards.)1 -
If you don't feel you can sit down with them and say and say, "Look, I'm an adult. This is my body not yours. I didn't ask for your input. I don't want constant criticism over my choices." then I'd say develop a thicker skin, eat what you want and ignore them all or find a way to move out sooner.
I don't think you should hide what you are eating. You are not doing anything bad and you are an adult. They are being disrespectful and controlling.
Talk to your counselor about the situation.
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