All messed up.

erinphyllis
erinphyllis Posts: 3 Member
edited November 16 in Motivation and Support
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have a professional picture taken with my son - what luck right? But my messed up brain kept me from enjoying even one moment of it - for which I am deeply ashamed. My son, the most important person in my world, and all I could think about was how to hide my body, hide my chin, hide myself, so the world wouldn't see that I have gained back the 50lbs I had lost (now back up to 254) The people there were kind, "you look great", but my toxic, relentless, inner voice tagged "for a fat person" onto every positive thing. Battling hard today, ping ponging back and forth between "don't be so vain" to "your are so selfish and not thinking about what a special thing this was" to "ok! This was the sign you needed to turn this ship around" to, "eff it, pass the French fries". I am a mess. I am ashamed for feeling this way. I am ashamed I let myself get back "here" after winning for 2 years (mindset, health, fitness, nutrition were jiving). I am ashamed for not being overjoyed to have pictures with my son. I am ashamed to be wallowing. Geez, what a disaster eh? Shame is so effing powerful and painful, and paralyzing. Sorry for the brain dump, I just feel so stuck and the people in my life are supportive, but I can barely share these thoughts anonymously...I know I am a random person reaching out across the internet with a broken spirit and mindset and heart. Maybe I just needed to try to find even a moment of peace from my cruel and unrelenting self talk.

Replies

  • melaniedscott
    melaniedscott Posts: 1,478 Member
    Try finding a couple positive thing about yourself...every time the negative self talk pops into your head, replace it with the new.

    Change "fat" to "I can be fitter"
    Change "failure" to "evolving"

    Do the same with food talk...
    Instead of "I deserve the extra chips/candy/whatever because it has been a bad day" try "I deserve a 10 minute walk" or "I deserve some time to meditate/read/do something relaxing that isn't food"
  • mldhall
    mldhall Posts: 5 Member
    It's natural to think this way. Even the skinniest of people see it like this. It's hard having your photo taken, I myself am a photographer and hate it. Just think you've got your son some memories and pictures for the future and also a bit of ammo if you want to lose what you put on. When you've lost it again (you will as you've been able to do it before) use it as your motivation. Keep smiling though xx
  • Hello_its_Dan
    Hello_its_Dan Posts: 406 Member
    When the inner dialogue starts, place your tongue in the roof of your mouth. The inner dialogue stops every time.
  • DietPrada
    DietPrada Posts: 1,171 Member
    I think I missed like 10 years of joy with my kids because I was too ashamed to join in with things. What a waste of life, huh? At 123kg I was full of disgust and self loathing - the worst of it being that I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't stick to it, not for long anyway. I struggled to control my eating for 20+ years. Doing ok for a few days, a few weeks, a few months. But always giving in to the hunger eventually. I "started over Monday" about 1000 times. I would be angry at overweight people I met who whinged about being overweight, thinking "just stop complaining and eating like a pig" but you know what? That nasty little voice in my head was actually directed at myself.

    I will say though, the last 4 years I have turned my life around. I control food now, not the other way around. I feel this change is permanent. I'm 37kg lighter. I'm in no danger of giving up and putting it all back on. Feel free to inbox me if you want, I'm happy to offer support.
  • erinphyllis
    erinphyllis Posts: 3 Member
    Thank you for replying, I am grateful to be reminded that there kindness and understanding out there. <3
  • mybigfat
    mybigfat Posts: 162 Member
    I feel you there we took my sons first pictures as the family and all I did was cry at how fat I was. I am pretty ashamed of how much I let it get to me.
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
    I used to take all the pictures of my son. There are very few that I am in them with him and I am sorry for that. Fat or thin you are his mum and he loves you. So pictures of you will mean everything to him later.

    We all feel like this and sadly it is a lot of the time but you can change that. You have done it before (as have I ) and can do it again.

    Positive thoughts eh? :)
  • freedom2016mfp
    freedom2016mfp Posts: 75 Member
    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that person right now is your son and I'm certain loves you unconditionally for the BEAUTIFUL person that you are... his Mother.

    YOU've taken the first step welcome!
    Your welcome to inbox me to share, chat, motivate, support or perhaps even just vent.
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