Need help overcoming self-sabotage.
jillybean205
Posts: 12 Member
Often I know it when it's happening... any advice on how to defeat this devil is appreciated.
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Replies
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Read this poem--it's short:
http://www.dwlz.com/Motivation/tips26.html
You need to get from not knowing how you got in the hole, to choosing a different street. So it takes realizing the hole, getting yourself out when you fell in, and learning how to choose a different way to be so you don't go down that street in the first place.3 -
Hi jillybean205, I'm a long-term self-saboteur too, and can recognise when it's happening too. I think the most important thing, other than recognising what you're doing, is to ask yourself why in the first instance - it's probably almost always linked to emotional state, stress, recent disturbing event or tiredness - and in my case, after I've been drinking, and the next day when I crave carbs and sugar. When I see myself going for the carbs and fat, I do nowadays question why I'm doing it, it doesn't necessarily make me stop at that point but if I can call out whatever I'm feeling that's making me go to the fridge, it helps me put a stop to it afterwards. I let myself have it if I've already decided that's what I'm going to do, and these days I try to actually enjoy it (as what's the point otherwise) - so I had a binge and enjoy every mouthful - but the key thing then is to let it go as a past event, and that tomorrow will be a new day. As in, just because you fell off the wagon once, it doesn't mean that's everything ruined forever - you had one slip, and you can get back on the horse the next day. I think it actually helps to forgive yourself when you go off the rails, and then commit to getting back to health again the next day. I don't know if that helps?5
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I logged on today because I've been out of control for two days and feel like a beached whale. Thank you for your great posts.
Yes its emotional. I want to scream with frustration. I'm working to change my work life but it's a process. I'm tired of selfish people. I'm tired of pressure. I'm tired of performance goals. I'm tired of a husband who thinks it's alright to constantly be snappy and condescending. I'm tired of crappy people taking up my time and mental space. I'm tired of my goals taking a back seat so I can cope. I'm tired of paying the mortgage. I don't know what true freedom from all this stuff is, and I don't know if such a thing exists. But I've got to find a happy place somewhere. I've got to stop giving up and quitting on myself. I don't know how to reach my goals and not be bothered by my circumstances. My young kids love me. That's a blessing. Although I've grown too different from my friends, and I don't have like minded people around me to talk to anymore. I don't actually know what I really truly want. Thank you for letting me vent.7 -
Instead of one snack Ive been eating to much lately Im up from last week so tied of going up and down need to add more water and exercise1
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When ever I see my self kind of starting to do, I hit the gym more. That seems to get me back in the groove.2
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Hi coolbluecris, I am sorry you're having such a hard time. I can relate to a lot of that stuff and I feel for you. And when you're low, it doesn't take much to make you lower - or send you into an eating frenzy (and for me, drinking too). The only real freedom that you have total control over, is control itself (sorry if that sounds a bit... something) - you can control what you put into your body, and how you respond to people around you, and what you do with your free time, if you have any. When life feels a bit spirally out-of-control, if you can take the reigns back on small things, I personally find that it really does make the difference and starts to let me see other things in a positive way - or be able to do more about them if it's something making me unhappy. I know it's easy for an outsider to say, but have you or are you able to have an honest chat with your husband about how his comments make you feel? And the same at work with the pressure you're under? Don't quit on yourself, take back control, and the rest will follow. And you've like-minded people here if ever you need them.3
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I have been in that place some time ago. Have you thought about having a break from everything possible that makes you unhappy? I know, you cannot have a break from work, husband and payments. Last time, I took myself out of social events that were annoying me. First, I quit listening to selfish people (including my relation ship). Then I set some friendships "on hold". Just talked necessary stuff with my coworkers. It was meant to give me time to do what I want. But as you - I didn't know what I wanted. But after a not too long time, I knew exactly what I DID NOT want. And I made these things change. Or tried. Also, I set my goals lower. From "I want to be successful at work" to "I will go there and some day, I start looking for another one that I like". From " please, dear husband stop being mean to me" to " change this behaviour or relation ship will change or end". From "I have to lose that much weight a week and be super sportive " to " find the time when you think it's a good idea to work out. Watch your calories, but if you stay at this weight and don't gain a lb, it's also ok for a limited time". I gave myself a deadline for all this. And suddenly I felt freer. Could that help you?5
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I try to consider the long term. I don't want to be at this same point next year like I was last, and find out what works to move me in the right direction.
To coolbluecris: I'm fortunate not to have the pressures of young, enjoyable family; husband and work right up to my ears any longer. But I do know the children will be happier if you can take control and stand up for yourself, your rights. You sound to be being put on all round. I encourage you to do what it takes to put you back in the centre of your world.2 -
Self-sabotage is something many of us can relate to. These past few days have been a little rough for me, and these posts have been inspiring just knowing that others are going through the same things. I guess we have to just remember that the only person you have control over is yourself, we can not change anyone else, we can't change who they are or what they think. Since we only have control over ourselves, why not treat yourself with kindness? Fuel your body with healthy and nutritious foods and exercise so you feel good? We just have to change our way of thinking, instead of self-sabotage, it should be self love
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coolbluecris wrote: »I logged on today because I've been out of control for two days and feel like a beached whale. Thank you for your great posts.
Yes its emotional. I want to scream with frustration. I'm working to change my work life but it's a process. I'm tired of selfish people. I'm tired of pressure. I'm tired of performance goals. I'm tired of a husband who thinks it's alright to constantly be snappy and condescending. I'm tired of crappy people taking up my time and mental space. I'm tired of my goals taking a back seat so I can cope. I'm tired of paying the mortgage. I don't know what true freedom from all this stuff is, and I don't know if such a thing exists. But I've got to find a happy place somewhere. I've got to stop giving up and quitting on myself. I don't know how to reach my goals and not be bothered by my circumstances. My young kids love me. That's a blessing. Although I've grown too different from my friends, and I don't have like minded people around me to talk to anymore. I don't actually know what I really truly want. Thank you for letting me vent.
It's hard to take all those things at once. But a little clarity on your goals may help.
* Job: This sounds like you need a job change. Easier said than done, but often after it happens you may wonder why you didn't start sooner.
* Tired of paying the mortgage: Renting can be awesome. I had a house, hated it.
* Snappy and condescending: Does he know how you feel? Have you confronted this when you are in a decent mood? We teach the people around us how to treat us. It's OK to declare it's not OK to communicate in such a way. But it is easy to do so in a moment of frustration rather than out of love and calmness.2 -
Thank you @SonjaBruns and @roofyred.
Thank God for intelligent thinkers like you. Thank you for your caring understanding.
I'm also tired of not having enough money to do what I want (my husband has had his mid life crisis buying what HE wanted and added extra financial stress, but I still don't have what I want).
So I want major changes that right now I can't have.
One thing I would like to do is, and I don't know if I've got the guts to do it, is leave it all behind for a few days and pay for a powered camp site by the sea. Just by myself. At least once a month. But at least go alone once to start off with. There's a nice holiday park there.
I might start planning for it, look for a tent, right now.
So to you and @jillybean205 and others who might read this thread, let's analyse the frustration of life and find antidotes. What is something right now that would give you joy or freedom?
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@coolbluecris, yes you have got the guts to do it. If you're thinking about it and looking at tents, you're doing it! That sounds like a great thing to do - and it's amazing how much a little trip into nature can re-balance your thoughts. Going somewhere or seeing something that makes you feel small and the world feel great does put things in perspective for a bit.
Do that, get away for a few days (and read escapist fiction while you're there - better than any self-help book!) and in the meantime, maybe start actually writing down what you can do to make things better and get you to where you want to be. Writing a physical list helps me - and I know this sounds ridiculous but I find that drawing small boxes to the left of the list item makes you feel much more satisfied when you tick it off. Honestly, try it, it works!
Your husband sounds like he's been having a selfish phase, but that's his problem - you need to start putting yourself (and your kids of course) first. We're here for a good time, not a long time! Good luck, you will do it. Start small with a new shopping list and chuck out your junk food (I'm not actually obsessed with lists by the way... honest!). All power to you!3 -
This sounds like a good plan and start to me! And actually really something you can do without too much effort but real good benefits from it. If you are already looking for a tent, then you'll also do it! I really agree about the lecture, take something you like to read. No help yourself or become-a-better-person book.
I wozld take all pressure out. If you feel like writing something down, then do it. But my experience shows that even a plan of doing something for myself in my just-for-myself-time can be stress. Even this app here is stress sometimes, when I have to write my diary! An idea about your camping days - don't try to make new friends there or be on the phone. I'm sure, you want to check on your kids and probably your husband. But it's not the time for somebody else's problems! It's YOUR time. Don't be lazy, but if you feel like relaxing and sleeping, nobody sees you who can blame you for that! And take healthy food with you, that you don't regret your trip bc of the food! But don't forget to spoil you with something! I hope you'll find your tent soon and I wish you a perfect weather forecast that you can start soon! You deserve something to look forward to...2 -
Thank you again. I will really cherish this thread. The thoughts and ideas have been good for the soul.
Check this out: I just need to save for it. ( or sell some stuff around the house lol )
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Hi @coolbluecris and everyone! Some things that give me joy right now: a weekly yoga class, spending time at adoration at church, walking my dog, my cozy flannel sheets, exceeding my daily step goal, hearing the people I love laughing. When I really think about what gives me true joy... food isn't anywhere on the list. It only gives me (very) temporary happiness. Not lasting joy. So I'm trying to keep that as a new focus for me.
be well friends! 2 -
Sounds great @jillybean205
It's a good idea to write about what gives us joy.
We can also help eachother think of solutions to what makes us stuff our emotions down. What a great combination. Love everyone here.
I enjoy my kids smiles, crochet, music and watching Youtubes of my favourite bands, currently Lady Antebellum.1 -
Thank you ladies for this string today. You have all made my day. I'm learning it's about placing yourself first, and taking it day by day... sometimes hour by hour on the tougher days. I just started this app and I'd love more friends for support. Thanks for being here.2
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Hi... I have this tent and my friend has it one or two sizes smaller. Easy to carry, no weight, really small to pack and super cheap. Held storms and even a small tornado with lots of rain...
Probably this is something for you.
https://www.walmart.com/ip/39510839?wmlspartner=wlpa&adid=22222222228030273434&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=m&wl3=65572787448&wl4=pla-92083681968&wl5=9008126&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=39510839&wl13=&veh=sem1 -
Hi @Pennyapink0204
I had a big vent and the ladies here gave some great ideas. You can do the same. In fact I think everyone should. We used to have a segment on a show here once called "What cheeses me off?" Lol1 -
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