Developing problematic relationship with food.

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Koldnomore
Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi all,

I'm not sure that this post will be able to 'cure' me but I am really hoping to get some ideas to implement that will help me end this cycle.

I'm by no means new around here, going into 4 years and I have lost the major portion of the weight that I wanted to lose when I started but lately - about the last year or so - I find that I am having a really hard time doing what I know I need to do. I have thus far regained about 25 lbs of the 90+ that I had lost and am just slowly watching myself spin back down into the pit from which I crawled - it's not a good feeling.

It's not that I don't KNOW what I need to do, I do. The problem is that my body refuses to cooperate. I know that I have to stay under a certain amount of calories, I KNOW that when I eat in a certain way I will go over (by A LOT) I drink lots of water, I think I choose reasonable foods high in protein and fiber to try to keep myself full. I go to the gym 2-3 times a week as this is all I can get there right now. I am 5'6 and work a sedentary job, I am also 43 yrs old so I am not in the camp that can eat 2000+ calories and lose although I used to be able to do this in another time. My current life allows what it allows and I cannot change the circumstances to 'work out more'. Currently I will gain weight at roughly 1600 / day (BMR is about 1420) so what I need to do is eat less than this.

Anyway, my dilemma lately is that I seem to be 'hiding' food. Like I know I shouldn't eat it so I try to 'sneak' it when other people aren't looking. And then of course I feel guilty, but I can't seem to stop doing it..Every day I tell myself that I have had enough calories but I still go ahead and pour that bowl of cereal or eat the toast or go binge on chocolate. I have tried everything..eat more, have a bigger breakfast, skip breakfast, skip lunch, eat more fiber, save calories for snacks, I have even tried to eat with my lfet hand to try to slow myself down..makes not a bit of difference..I just keep eating, and I don't know how to stop anymore.. If I keep eating like this I will be back over 200 by year end. I did this for 2 years, I KNOW how to do it so why can't I?

help..
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Replies

  • pamfgil
    pamfgil Posts: 449 Member
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    Get counselling, try starting with cognitive behavioural, as it's generally short term, also you could try treating yourself as an experiment, weigh yourself every day, log all food and keep a mood diary, after a month, look at the data and then try changing one thing, after another month compare the result etc I'm
  • gazellefish
    gazellefish Posts: 72 Member
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    Hi there! All I can offer is some of my own personal anecdotes -

    I tend to self-sabotage. I have a lot of insecurities with losing weight, and a lot of fear of failure. I tend to make eating decisions to preemptively 'beat' the scale. "Oh, I gained weight, it's because I ate fast food last week," etc., even though I was exercising regularly. It helped me cope with slow/no success. Second fold is the unknown - I've never been thin, I don't know what it'll be like, and the process is out of my control so I rebel.

    The good news! You've done it once. The other good news! You clearly understand your body and calorie intake/output. You have healthy habits in place, but in my (humble) opinion, you may need to look at why your motivation/dedication isn't there right now.

    Also, give yourself a break. Take a breath, re-focus. Take small, positive steps for change. Self-care is important, and so is pacing. Frustration is normal during this process, patience is hard and patience with yourself can be the hardest. Evaluate your goals and make sure they're currently obtainable. Scale back in a sustainable way and be patient but not complacent.
  • floweringcurrant
    floweringcurrant Posts: 112 Member
    edited March 2017
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    Hey, so sorry you are struggling with this. I know what it's like, believe me, my first experiences with dieting led me straight into an eating disorder. Reading your post though, I'm trying to figure out how 1420 is your BMR? That is super low! Where did you get that stat? I know it sucks to hear this but I pretty much think you have to eat more to stabilize your relationship with food. Four years of dieting is actually putting your body in a deficit where binging is the only way your body knows how to get it's needs met/your body constantly expects deficit and is burnt out from it. It's a pretty biological response and not your fault, also likely not even due to "will-power." You shouldn't have to suffer through your relationship with food. My tips would be to check out "intuitive eating," or to eat just slightly slightly below or at your BMR for a while so that your body can get used to being fed. I'm 5' 6" 140lbs currently and my BMR is 2100 or something... on an average day I eat between 1800-1500. If I eat 1300 or less my body re-enters that deprived state and I will binge, no doubt about it. Also, I find eating lots of protein and whole foods with meals and no sugar helps to regulate my body.
  • bbell1985
    bbell1985 Posts: 4,572 Member
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    I have developed similar issues. I don't want to go into detail right now because it's...eh. It's too much. But yes, after losing weight and logging meticulously for a long time, I started having an unhealthy relationship with food.

    It's not great now. But what helped was starting my MFP FRESH. I deleted the account I associated with my initial weight loss success, not only for a fresh start, but so I wouldn't have that hurtful reminded that I had gone backward.

    Then I tried to love myself better. I focused on fitness goals and stopped trying to lose. I was failing at it before..essentially eating at maintenance. Now, I do have a coach...so I am lucky that he gave me the suggestion to go to maintenance, and get used to logging accurately again. Now at least I'm in purposeful maintenance successfully, rather than trying to lose weight unsuccessfully, which is a crappy feeling.
  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
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    I do not know about ED so my question is sincere...

    Who are you hiding food from? It can't be from you since you are the one hiding it. Are you losing weight for YOU? Or someone else?

    I know when I was losing weight for an event (vacation, wedding) or person (family) I was resentful every step of the way. The minute I made it about me it became easier. I'm now aware of when I go over and I have a thoughtful discussion with myself like "do I really want to eat this, it's going to put me over calorie goal and slow weight loss"?

    My other thought is what foods are you hiding? Is it sweets? Once I stopped labeling food good/bad virtually all guilt around said foods stopped dead in its tracts. I now know to plan for a sweet once in awhile in my calorie budget.

    Anyhow these are my thoughts. I could be way off base but just trying to be helpful.

  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
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    Ah thanks @Look_Its_Kriss
  • FitOldMomma
    FitOldMomma Posts: 790 Member
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    I would suggest like the others have that you talk to a professional. We can certainly develop very unhealthy relationships with our foods and fitness.

    I think too, that those who've succeeding in losing the weight can be prone to have these problems; we know we will forever have to be aware of and monitor what we're eating if we desire to keep that weight off.

    It can be a bit depressing when you realize after years of hard work to lose the weight, that our new bodies require fewer calories now, and somehow that seems unfair!
    That our exercises, even though they maybe more strenuous- we burn fewer calories for that same effort at a smaller size.
    These things were eye opening for me.

    The good thing is you are aware of what's happening with you and you're wanting to get a handle on it.
    Do reach out to your doctor and let them know what's going on with you.
    You're worth it.

  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
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    OP I think Look_Its_Kriss has covered so much and many of the things she has said apply to a lot of us to one degree or another. I don't know what I could say to help you overcome the issues you are having but be sure of this...You are not alone.

    I regained 25 of the 32 pounds I lost because I gave up smoking and ate everything in sight, I also developed Arthritis in my hips and knees so stopped going to the gym. I was finally sickened by myself when I realised that I was close to being right back where I started again and my inability to stop eating. Like mentioned above it is like someone else is in control of your body. You say to yourself "Don't eat that" but eat it anyway.

    Gradually I have regained control. Mostly by going back to basics here on MFP I didn't delete my account but I re-set it to my present weight, started weighing my food again instead of eyeballing and re-set my macros. Checked back in my diary to see what I was eating when I was succeeding.

    It has taken me several months but I feel like I am back in control.

    You may need professional help to get you back on track and I hope that you can do this. You have come so far and worked so hard.

    Stop punishing yourself for what you are doing, accept that you are out of control at present and seek some extra help.

    You can beat this, best of luck to you.

  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
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    Thanks guys.

    @Look_Its_Kriss I can see some of that, though not nearly to this extent - likely it is only a matter of time though. Your post really sounds a lot like me and you're bang on about the 'food hiding'. I'm an adult but I just feel like I'm always eating and hate when other people see me doing it. I feel guilty, even if its just normal food.

    For @floweringcurrant getting old sucks my dear..My BMR is so low because I am twice your age, have a sit down job and can only manage to work out for about half an hour a day (if I'm lucky) Given that I have been at this for a while I can assure you that it actually IS that low and I really DO gain weight if I go much over 1600 cal. When I was 40, I had a job where I could go work out almost every day for 1 - 2 hours, I would run 5km every second day and hike for hours every weekend. I was eating around 2200 - 2400 and feeling great (my diary is public, feel free to go back to 2013 -14). Then I got into an accident, lost my job and life just hasn't been the same. Less activity = less food and I am struggling hard.

    We have a serious doctor shortage in this area so I don't actually have a 'family doctor' to go and see but I will try to reach out to someone at the ED clinic and maybe they can suggest something.
  • EuphonyChloeH
    EuphonyChloeH Posts: 107 Member
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    I lost 80 pounds about four years ago and have slowly but surely gained back all 80, plus another 10. Food is my downfall. I used to feel so guilty for not being able to say "no" to food. It doesn't feel like just a "lack of willpower" - I get anxiety if I'm in my kitchen or at a party trying to stay away from food. I've been working with a therapist (for multiple reasons) who has helped me discover that for me, food is a way of connection - I had a very lonely childhood where food was one of the few ways I really felt love or nurturing. So as an adult, staying away from food can make me feel disconnected from people and the world, like I'm depriving myself of much more than just food. It feels cold, it feels like pressure, and the anxiety can make me go mad.

    What I'm trying to convey here is that for those of us who have food issues that seem impossible to overcome, it could be something more cognitive. Food to you could mean much more than just food. It could mean love, it could mean connection, it could mean safety. I suggest digging deeper into why it is that you feel compelled to eat, or why you feel like you have to hide your food. It's not easy but it's worth the work.
  • Theo166
    Theo166 Posts: 2,564 Member
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    Are you logging your transgressions? It sounds like you are pretending to diet for others and not your own needs, maybe revisit your goals and really internalize them.

    No excuse not to up your activity level, if that's what you need to do for hitting your goals. You can have a sedentary job and fit 6000 steps in your day, which gives you an extra 300 calories to eat and stay on target.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
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    @Theo166 I try to log but quite frankly I know I 'fuc*d up" so half the time I don't bother trying to figure out how many calories I went over by..I went over and I've been at this long enough to know that it was by at least 3-400 calories a day. My diary is perfect until I leave work then comes dinner and my evening binge - It's the same every single day.

    If you can propose to me how I am to 'fit in' 6000 steps while I am at my desk (and not able to just causally go for a stroll) I'd be happy to hear it. I do 3000-4000 and believe me I take many bathroom breaks just to get the steps. Here is my day (if all goes well)
    5:20 wake up, dress & walk to gym
    6:00-6:45 gym
    6:45-7 shower/change/go meet my ride
    7-8 drive
    8-5 work (I walk for about half an hour after I eat lunch)
    5-6 drive home
    6-7 make dinner and eat
    7-9 make lunches for hubby/kids/organize gym clothes for next day, lay out clothing to wear, clean up, do dishes, wash clothes, cat litter, house work etc..Whatever time it happens to be when I get done everything for the next day I go to bed.
    If I am unlucky I have to take the bus to work and cannot go to the gym because my bus comes at 6:12 and I need to actually shower and be ready for work before I catch it. I wake up at 5 on those days and get off the bus early to walk a little bit to work to make up for somthing. If my partner has to go away on business I can't go to the gym because the duties of taking my step-son to school fall to me and he has to be there by 7, clothed, fed and clean. I take him then I drive myself to work.
    I cannot wake up any earlier, the gym opens at 6, I am there as soon as it opens. Another gym is not an option because I car pool and would not have time to go to the gym and get to work by 8 am otherwise. Going after work is not possible because I do not have a house keeper or anyone else to do what needs to be done for the next day. So the only thing I am left with is my 30-45 minutes at the gym WHEN I can go and my 30 min walk WHEN I can take it (assuming I am not backed up with clients). I am not trying to be rude or make excuses - if I were I wouldn't be doing anything. As I said, I have the calories I have, I do as much as I can - this is my life. I have to fit it within them.

    @EuphonyChloeH I really wish I knew what was up. I try to think of some reasons but I don't have 'issues' with my life. I'm happy, I'm in love, I have a decently paying job..I'm not sick, not fat, not broke, don't have mental issues, don't have stress, FML there is NO reason, which annoys me to no end because I would love to have 'something' to look at to say..Here is why, but I don't. This is the frustration.
  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
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    Ok things that help me stay satiated...

    At least 48oz water
    Carb/fat/protein at every meal
    7-8 hrs of sleep
    6-8 hour eating window

    Plan for more calories when you tend to snack by shaving off 50-100 calories on one or two meals.

    Most importantly show up for yourself. Only you can change the narrative in your head from I can't to I can.

    Get binge worthy food out of the house for awhile, eat those only when at a friends or eating out until you get control.

    These are my last thoughts, best of luck!!
  • marie9910
    marie9910 Posts: 34 Member
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    You can lose weight without the gym by putting more emphasis on your diet. I'm only saying this because you sound like you're putting a lot of emphasis on going to the gym. It's especially important to log the food you eat when you go over. That way you can see exactly what and how much you're eating. Seeing those ridiculously high numbers will help you stop and reconsider if the extra calories are worth it. Forget about trying to lose weight. Bingeing is hell all on its own and you deserve better than that!
  • fiddletime
    fiddletime Posts: 1,862 Member
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    OP. I've lost 25 # twice, and regained it. In the beginning of the regaining process it's like my mind, my internal controls, turn off. So, I stop logging since I know I'm way over and don't want to look at red day after day. But I "really" want the pie, or ice cream, or whole dinner out. I don't want to take half home for tomorrow, it's so good right now.

    The last time I "broke the evil spell" was when I gained a pants size, and then could barely fit into them. That was the switch that got flipped "not one more larger size of pants". I got right back on mfp and, now with ten pounds to go, am hoping I don't go into that frenzy of eating land. My maintenance is 1340 so I have very little to play with.

    How to flip the switch is the key, which is probably different for all of us. I just really don't want to have to lose 50 or 100 pounds. No food is worth it. I say that to myself a lot. Because with weight gain, the sky's the limit.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
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    Thanks guys, it's just nice to know I'm not the only one who does this.

    I talked to my SO yesterday while we were carpooling home and told him that I was having issues staying in control - he already knew of course because he sees it. I gave him permission to help me stay focused. He thinks I'm eating because I'm bored so we are going to try and focus more of doing more stuff in my 'free time'.. LOL

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