Just sat here and ate a bunch of candy - WT* is wrong with me, why can't I nail down my eating?

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DannyYMi54321
DannyYMi54321 Posts: 77 Member
in Motivation and Support
Well ... it's frustrating beyond belief. I just ate 6 or 7 miniature York peppermint patties that were sitting here in the office from a long time ago (Christmas). I'm going to feel bad in an hour or two as my blood sugar spikes and then crashes. My fault, I deserve it.

The thing is ... I really WANT to be able to control my eating. In fact, I want to be able to be really, really great about what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat ... and I want to WANT it to be that way. But the brutal truth is, I've fought binge eating for my entire life, and been up and down in weight a lot over the years.

I want to be "pure of thought" or however is a good way to state it, when it comes to food - I want to be able to crave broccoli and organic free range chicken breast and wild-crafted red quinoa hand-harvested at the tops of Peruvian mountains ... all of those things are good for us (or at least we are lead to believe so at this time - nutrition science is ever-changing).

I definitely CAN eat that way, and I've been overall pretty successful in the past decade keeping my weight under control, and the past year has been a good recovery, overall, from a slip-up caused by some pretty challenging life circumstances in 2015 (home hospice care of my mother, leave of absence from work, administering two family estates).

BUT, what always leads me back down the path to H-E-double toothpicks is the fact that, no matter what I say to other people, no matter how I'm eating, no matter what professional advice I get, I'm basically a big, fat liar. Lies, lies, lies. Sure, I can profess to hate fast food, processed food, sugar, etc ... but in my heart, I'm still craving it, longing for it, looking for every little opportunity to slip it into my life, and then lie about doing it ... I can be such a creative liar, too ... doing all kinds of weird things to compensate for slip-ups, purging or fasting after a slip-up, outright lying about what I've eaten, etc. Hiding things from the world in ways I hope I won't get caught. Then I have to face people who tell me what a great job I'm doing ... and I either have to lie to them openly, or break down and pour out my confession in some rambling groveling display of weakness and shame. Kind of like this post - ok, exactly like this post.

Seriously, how can I learn to love the things I should love, hate the things I shouldn't, and not always feel this inner conflict? I'm NOT willing to give up on trying to overcome this problem - I've been fighting it my entire life, it's only in the past few years I've made real progress, after I've come to recognize and accept that my issue with food really wasn't ever that much about the food, it was much more about the things from my childhood that basically broke my spirit.

Really, what's it gonna take? Get out the electric shock training collar I used to teach my dog to stay away from the busy road I live on, and zap myself every time I hear a food commercial on the radio or see a fast food restaurant while I'm driving? Just kidding, but part of me is kinda that desperate that I would try it.

Or do I need to work harder to fall in love with the good stuff? I like food, I like cooking, I like health and nutrition, it's just a real-world challenge to find time ... mostly because I feel like "kitten" a lot of the time, my energy level needs to be higher so that when I have free time, I can actually do something instead of just fade out.

OK, rant over, let me have it ... advice or criticism or whatever, it's all good, because I need to learn something here.




Replies

  • alphapackleader17
    alphapackleader17 Posts: 6 Member
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    I am totally with you. I want to be pure too. Unfortunately they have not stopped making things sweet and salty LOL It happens! All we do is move forward!! <3
  • BootCampC
    BootCampC Posts: 689 Member
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    the more sugar you eat the more you crave it, stay away from all sugar for 2 weeks , then you will be able to resist the temptation
  • b3achy
    b3achy Posts: 2,010 Member
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    Instead of thinking about it being a slip up, why not start to think of these things as treats to fit within your macros? Stop denying yourself (which often leads to you craving it more). Try to figure out ways to make it okay to eat these special treats in smaller quantities and more consistently so you don't crave and then binge on them. Now, I understand if they are trigger foods for you, you can't really have any. But if you can find a way to have a small amount regularly without binging, that's usually the way to go. For me, if I know I can have something, then I'm less likely to crave it.

    And if you have some treats, the last thing you need to do is lie about it. Be as brutally honest in your diary as possible. You are only cheating yourself if you don't log it properly because over time you forget what you had. Then you can't look back to see why you are having issues if you aren't losing as fast, etc. My diary is as ugly as they come. I don't eat "clean"/"whole", I do drink alcohol, I have sweet treats (and sometimes too many), but I still have lost weight, and know exactly where I've had issues because I log pretty much everything. Not logging is only hindering yourself to learn about your patterns and your triggers. I put notes in my diary as to how I was feeling that day or why I ate what I ate.

    We all have good days, and we all have bad days. The key is linking together more good days than bad days. Another helpful thing is to not beat yourself up, and instead realize you need to draw a line in the sand and move forward (and you may have to do this many time during the journey). You can't change yesterday, you can only change what you do today to become the person you want to be tomorrow.
  • 3rdof7sisters
    3rdof7sisters Posts: 486 Member
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    Those little mini's (if they are the unwrapped ones) are only about 15 calories each.
    Work it into your daily calories if you can, and move on.
  • curvytofit
    curvytofit Posts: 48 Member
    edited March 2017
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    BootCampC wrote: »
    the more sugar you eat the more you crave it, stay away from all sugar for 2 weeks , then you will be able to resist the temptation

    I agree with this statement. But the hardest part is that 2 weeks I guess. Addiction of sugary food is a huge factor against losing weight. Wish there was an easy way to stay away from sugar. Any suggestions on how to be able to stay away from it first 2 weeks and then?
  • kiwi_kisses
    kiwi_kisses Posts: 11 Member
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    I feel your pain... I once ate nearly a whole bag of tootsie rolls. Horrible!! Good thing that came from is I don't even want to look at a tootsie roll again. I don't buy sweets, I try to get my sugar cravings from fresh fruit or dried fruit.
  • mskimee
    mskimee Posts: 228 Member
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    I hear ya! I ate a big gooey chocolate muffin today...that i didn't even enjoy that much. I just couldn't resist. That's an extra 40 minutes on the treadmill. But it's one treat, I'm all treated out now. :smiley:
  • BaddS4
    BaddS4 Posts: 302 Member
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    I with you there.. One thing I've figured out on my journey so far.. That if I completely deprive myself of sweets I'll end up pigging out on them all at once.. So now, if I have a hankering for something sweet.. I just have enough to satisfy my inner fat self and then walk away from it.. It worked for me, but it may not work for everyone...
  • jessiferrrb
    jessiferrrb Posts: 1,758 Member
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    b3achy wrote: »
    Instead of thinking about it being a slip up, why not start to think of these things as treats to fit within your macros? Stop denying yourself (which often leads to you craving it more). Try to figure out ways to make it okay to eat these special treats in smaller quantities and more consistently so you don't crave and then binge on them. Now, I understand if they are trigger foods for you, you can't really have any. But if you can find a way to have a small amount regularly without binging, that's usually the way to go. For me, if I know I can have something, then I'm less likely to crave it.

    And if you have some treats, the last thing you need to do is lie about it. Be as brutally honest in your diary as possible. You are only cheating yourself if you don't log it properly because over time you forget what you had. Then you can't look back to see why you are having issues if you aren't losing as fast, etc. My diary is as ugly as they come. I don't eat "clean"/"whole", I do drink alcohol, I have sweet treats (and sometimes too many), but I still have lost weight, and know exactly where I've had issues because I log pretty much everything. Not logging is only hindering yourself to learn about your patterns and your triggers. I put notes in my diary as to how I was feeling that day or why I ate what I ate.

    We all have good days, and we all have bad days. The key is linking together more good days than bad days. Another helpful thing is to not beat yourself up, and instead realize you need to draw a line in the sand and move forward (and you may have to do this many time during the journey). You can't change yesterday, you can only change what you do today to become the person you want to be tomorrow.

    this is good advice.
    also, you may have some disordered thinking about food which it may be helpful to address. the amount of guilt and shame, as well as the binge and starve / purge behaviors are indications that you may be more emotionally entangled in your relationship with food than is necessary. it could be helpful to speak to someone about these thoughts and behaviors or to consult with a dietitian about a reasonable plan going forward. you don't have to be perfect to make progress. you don't need to subsist on quinoa and grilled chicken breast to succeed. be kind to yourself, you deserve it. food doesn't have to make you happy all the time but it should never make you miserable.
  • chaosbutterfly
    chaosbutterfly Posts: 71 Member
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    If it's not about the food, then its not about the food.

    Have you tried therapy? You sound like an emotional eater, and no matter what tips or tricks or whatever you try, if you don't deal with the underlying issues and develop some coping strategies that will help you not binge, then you'll never really be free.

    I'm a binge eater myself with emotional triggers, and I know it's a battle. I certainly slip up too.
    Even though it's not formal therapy (cant afford it at the moment), even joining an online support group and opening up to others in my real life has helped me alot with reducing the frequency and severity of my slip ups, as well as getting back on the wagon after a binge.

    It's true, we are only as sick as our secrets. If you're not talking to someone, then I think you should start.

    Or at the very least, stop lying about what you eat to people. If you eat something unhealthy that you don't mean to, then let it be and move on. If you have a slip up and binge, let it be, forgive yourself, and move on. Don't try to correct it, don't try to compensate. What's done is done. Just move on. Get back into eating right and let your body self-correct. You're creating all this pressure for yourself where it's not necessary, and that's ultimately only going to make things worse.
  • pinkslipblues
    pinkslipblues Posts: 19 Member
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    I find it is hard to avoid sugar, because we are constantly reminded of it, ie. advertising, social media, and lots of availability. Where I work, candy and sweets are always in front of me. I find the best way to control it is to allow myself a small amount and log it in. Right now, when I want something sweet (usually after a meal), I eat a mini box of Smarties (45 Cal). I eat them slowly and I get 10 to 12 bites of something sweet and it usually works. Once in a while, I break down and have two boxes, and I feel guilty, but it still is only 90 calories.
  • yobigman
    yobigman Posts: 16 Member
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    Candy is a "trigger food" for you- I'd stop eating it altogether. You can live without it, and abstaining will make your life so much simpler! Alcoholics do that with booze. I go to Overeaters Anonymous meetings, and you might want to try it yourself. They specialize in helping people in our kind of situation.
  • brittyn3
    brittyn3 Posts: 481 Member
    edited March 2017
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    Don't be so hard on yourself!! Many people are able to view food as fuel, but I am not (aside from the obvious of it being such). I view at as something I enjoy tasting, doing, smelling etc. I don't love fruit, in fact, I barely eat it. I do love veggies though. It'll be trial and error - try new things constantly. Prepare things differently and you might like them. Try making substitutions, like cauliflower crust pizza or portabella burgers. Etc. It'll take some effort but you can do it. Also, don't think you have to give up anything. I think that's where a lot of people fail, is being too restrictive and giving up the things they love. As it's been said, just work it in your macros.

    I will never be a clean eater. Kudos to any who are, but that is not the only way of eating to be in a deficit or lose weight. Maybe instead of telling yourself BADDD or SHAMEFUL you ate those things, just figure out a quantity of those things you can work in daily/weekly.

    As for the binge eating, keep a journal and before (if possible) write how you're feeling. You might find a pattern that'll help you avoid it. Or take a 5 minute walk and see how you feel when you come back. It'll take conscious effort, but you can do it.

    You got this :smile:
  • HermanLily
    HermanLily Posts: 217 Member
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    Those peppermint party's do not define you, log them, and move on
  • DannyYMi54321
    DannyYMi54321 Posts: 77 Member
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    Wow, thank you for your responses. I'm surprised at so many replies. I figured people would think "oh, rant from a crazy guy" and move on - I think that, and I wrote it.

    Yuck ... brutal honesty, like logging every morsel. Then finding someone to monitor it for a while. It's a "tough love" solution. It sounds horrible. It's probably one thing I need to do ... properly. I'm supposed to be doing that, but it's incredibly easy to overlook those things that don't "belong" on what I'm eating. And to gloss over my food intake and choices when I discuss them with people. And to conveniently forget to report my weight, etc. The dumb part is ... even though I'm all over the board with food, my overall weight loss progress in the past year has been pretty good, so "they" (professionals I see who are involved in this - nurse practitioner at weight loss clinic, RD, primary care doctor, psychologist, personal trainer) all think I'm doing well. Well, the psychologist thinks I'm doing better than I give myself credit for ... because he is the only one that gets to hear the ugly truth of all of this. I get a lot of exercise, so that helps to cover up the bad eating behavior.

    Intellectually, I know what to do. Emotionally ... I'm still messed up about food (and other things). I know I'm only hurting myself - my results would be a lot better if I could behave myself and stick to the right path, and I'd beat myself up a lot less, too. But there are so many ways to fall off the wagon ... crimes of opportunity, bad days, good days, social pressure/commitments, yada yada yada.

  • williamjlunn
    williamjlunn Posts: 13 Member
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    There is a lot of good advice here, but I only saw it mentioned once. You need to realize that you are not perfect, nobody is! The most important thing is to see your mistakes and learn from them. Food has always been hard for me, I was never a junk food eater (except for soda). I got the way I am by how much I ate, I would eat and eat and eat. My usual meal was well over 6000 calories, I justified it by saying I only eat one meal a day so it's ok. I've been on many diets and failed because I also wanted to be "pure of thought" ate what I wasn't supposed to and slipped back into my old ways because I felt that I had failed myself. What I never realized was how much I was hurting myself by using the food as an emotional crutch after my "failures". When ever I was on one of these "diets" I never felt good about myself, I thought of myself as a disgusting pig. I dealt with a lot of things from my childhood for being obese. I've recently had an injury (I was not working for over a month so all I did was sit on my butt) that made me stop and think about my health and what I wanted with my life. I quit smoking and started my journey from there, I had to take small steps to make it this far and I will have to continue to take small steps to reach my goal. The one major difference between this time and the past attempts is that I am ok with myself I don't see me as a pig, but as needing to change the way I am so I can do the things that I want to do. I will be the first to say I screw up and eat things that I shouldn't but I understand that I'm not perfect and never will be. I will make mistakes on my way to being healthy. But I can accept those mistakes, move past them, and try to not make them again.

    As far as resisting temptation it's tough, I fight it every day. What has helped me the most is staying away from the things that I crave, when I quit smoking I made sure I wasn't around anyone that smoked. Food has been very hard for me to moderate, I loved large portions of food. I don't have any junk food in the house anymore because I'll just eat it when I'm craving food, I keep plenty of vegetables on hand to curb my cravings. I still crave a big tall glass of soda, or a large plate of home cooked food so I'll go grab a couple of celery sticks and munch on those and it does help. As a recovering addict I am fully aware that I will always have cravings for things, but it does get easier. I don't love eating vegetables all the time for a snack but I know it will help me. You shouldn't hate any food, and you shouldn't hate yourself or punish yourself for eating it. I was doing really good and I wanted some mint chocolate chip ice cream so I walked to the store bought it, and had a serving. The next day I made a mistake, I ate the rest of the carton because I fell back on how I was before. I look back at that and realize that it was just a mistake, something to learn from, I don't hate myself because of it, but know that I screwed up. That was the kind of mistake that would totally derail my healthy eating before. Punishing myself never worked, I would shame myself and that would just fuel my eating. This time around I have not shamed myself once and am feeling a lot better about myself and my chances for reaching my goals.
    DannyYMi54321 wrote: »
    Well ... it's frustrating beyond belief. I just ate 6 or 7 miniature York peppermint patties that were sitting here in the office from a long time ago (Christmas). I'm going to feel bad in an hour or two as my blood sugar spikes and then crashes. My fault, I deserve it.
    This should never be said, you're just hurting your self with this.
    DannyYMi54321 wrote: »
    The thing is ... I really WANT to be able to control my eating. In fact, I want to be able to be really, really great about what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat ... and I want to WANT it to be that way. But the brutal truth is, I've fought binge eating for my entire life, and been up and down in weight a lot over the years.

    I definitely CAN eat that way, and I've been overall pretty successful in the past decade keeping my weight under control, and the past year has been a good recovery, overall, from a slip-up caused by some pretty challenging life circumstances in 2015
    This is what you need to focus on.
    DannyYMi54321 wrote: »
    BUT, what always leads me back down the path to H-E-double toothpicks is the fact that, no matter what I say to other people, no matter how I'm eating, no matter what professional advice I get, I'm basically a big, fat liar. Lies, lies, lies. Sure, I can profess to hate fast food, processed food, sugar, etc ... but in my heart, I'm still craving it, longing for it, looking for every little opportunity to slip it into my life, and then lie about doing it ... I can be such a creative liar, too ... doing all kinds of weird things to compensate for slip-ups, purging or fasting after a slip-up, outright lying about what I've eaten, etc. Hiding things from the world in ways I hope I won't get caught. Then I have to face people who tell me what a great job I'm doing ... and I either have to lie to them openly, or break down and pour out my confession in some rambling groveling display of weakness and shame. Kind of like this post - ok, exactly like this post.
    Don't lie to yourself it's not worth it. Log everything you eat, end your day and start new tomorrow. It's a slow process but it can be accomplished, find someone that you refuse to lie to or someone that is losing weight to and can be there with you going through the same things you are.

    If you want to friend me on here I feel like we could help each other out in our goals.

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