Weight loss causing issues within a marriage...
uclasteph
Posts: 13 Member
Just looking for some support...maybe talk to some people so have experienced the same.
My husband and I have been married for about 1 yr and a half and living together over 4 years. I've been in the yo-yo dieting where I gain and lose ... injury etc, and I go back to gaining... *no excuses ... I take full responsibility*
But, recently I've been back on the good bandwagon and since January, I've lost 31 lbs. I've noticed distance between my husband and I but tried to not focus on it much. I recently found him chatting with people and it started the huge discussion... apparently he has a huge fascination with larger women and feeding etc. And had been feeling lonely or whatever. Either way it's not acceptable!
I need to choose me and focus on taking care of myself and can not give in to gain weight just for a marriage. He hasn't said he wants to break up cause I won't gain weight but admits it'll cause a wedge and leave him craving something else and unsatisfied. I'm kinda of torn and just searching for support and maybe looking for anyone who has experienced something similar.
I'm strong into my goals and don't even give in to the offers of bad foods that will sabotage me but emotionally it's a little overwhelming. :-(
My husband and I have been married for about 1 yr and a half and living together over 4 years. I've been in the yo-yo dieting where I gain and lose ... injury etc, and I go back to gaining... *no excuses ... I take full responsibility*
But, recently I've been back on the good bandwagon and since January, I've lost 31 lbs. I've noticed distance between my husband and I but tried to not focus on it much. I recently found him chatting with people and it started the huge discussion... apparently he has a huge fascination with larger women and feeding etc. And had been feeling lonely or whatever. Either way it's not acceptable!
I need to choose me and focus on taking care of myself and can not give in to gain weight just for a marriage. He hasn't said he wants to break up cause I won't gain weight but admits it'll cause a wedge and leave him craving something else and unsatisfied. I'm kinda of torn and just searching for support and maybe looking for anyone who has experienced something similar.
I'm strong into my goals and don't even give in to the offers of bad foods that will sabotage me but emotionally it's a little overwhelming. :-(
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Replies
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You have to do what you want with your body.
Your husband should be in love with who you are not your dress size.
Stay strong with your goals x
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I know what you mean and it can be quite a strain let alone the ego trip it gives, making you second guess everything, everyone and all your choices. Keep doing what you are doing it will benefit you and your health in the long run, and keep faith in god to give you the strength and determination to keep striving forward.2
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My hubby loves the large. I asked him many times if my losing weight would affect him at all. He won't talk about it. From what I can tell he loves and appreciates me for our long friendship, regardless of what size I am (15 year relationship).
We remain steadfast buddies.
Since your relationship is newer and it seems, less certain, I suggest you treat your health goals as something completely separate from your love interests. Make good healthy goals for yourself.
See if the two of you can work on your relationship.2 -
@uclasteph What does he mean by "leave him craving something else and unsatisfied"? You didn't say you were depriving him of anything a husband would usually expect from his wife, so he's just using this as an excuse to look at other women. Maybe there's something deeper he needs to discuss with you.
Meanwhile, congrats on your decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle.7 -
You have my sympathy. You are in a very difficult situation. Ultimately, however, you cannot live your life for someone else. Your first responsibility is to yourself and that is especially true when it comes to your body. If your husband is really so shallow that your taking care of your health and well-being will be an issue in your relationship, then you may need to reevaluate the relationship, exactly as you might if the situation were reversed and he said that your relationship was in jeopardy because you gained weight after an injury.
In any case, be strong, continue to communicate well with him, and I hope it all works out for you. You might also consider some couples therapy, as his behavior sounds unacceptable and these issues cannot really be ignored.10 -
Get a divorce. He fetishizes you.10
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Hmm, this is more than the usual "my husband isn't cool with me losing weight" post. Your husband has a fetish, and you're moving away from that and he's seeking it out online. This doesn't bode well.9
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First off, big hugs from me. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time with your hub and I hope it works out. Please take the below reactions with a grain of salt; without knowing the full story and you and your man, these were just initial impressions...
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My first thought: he likes a little extra junk in the trunk, maybe she can up her squats?
My boyfriend's idea (he is sitting on couch with me while I scroll thru MFP): he liked her with more weight because she was less secure and happy with herself hence more dependent on him. Now he's concerned that she is going to be getting more attention--and giving it back--elsewhere so he's being cold so she will do whatever it takes to reengage him. It's a petty mind game but it shows that he's feeling really insecure and lots of men do it. [I inserted sounds of awe and disbelief and discomfort at this point in time.] She should either bring it up frankly and try to work it out, assure him it's all good (and then follow through), but without compromising her health/fitness goals. If he isn't willing to play ball, it's a more serious issue at hand and she should seriously consider getting the duck out now.
My reaction: wow. I need to go snuggle my cat, eat a donut, and watch an uplifting romantic comedy to rediscover my faith in love.
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As a woman, I wonder if all this is just a poor excuse of insecurity namely his. I think get yourself healthy, empower yourself, love never holds us back but lets you rise to greatness. To date to Rise!
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A marriage can survive and be quite happy when one partner has a fetish the other doesn't share, but it really depends on the people. The extent to which a person is interested in the fetish is a huge factor - it's one thing to be turned on by something but otherwise have a healthy interest in sex in general, and another for the fetish to be the sum total of that person's interest in sex. Another factor is how much the uninterested person is comfortable allowing the other person to indulge the fetish - whether it be watching porn, talking online to others about it etc - some relationships are more open about that than others.
But the one thing OP can't so is allow her husband's fetish to dictate her health and how she lives her life.5 -
Sounds like he needs to go to therapy. But don't let him get in your way.1
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Can you two get into some marriage counseling together? It might help the marriage and each person individually. Good Luck and lots of love your way.0
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@uclasteph What does he mean by "leave him craving something else and unsatisfied"? You didn't say you were depriving him of anything a husband would usually expect from his wife, so he's just using this as an excuse to look at other women. Maybe there's something deeper he needs to discuss with you.
Meanwhile, congrats on your decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle.
I don't deprive him, but I agree it may be his excuse to feel better if he does something. I think he meant he likes that fetish (as I'll refer to it) and will always wish he had that experience. But I agree, there has to be more.
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Never let anyone stop you from achieving your goals and whats right for you. At the end of the day you need to be happy with yourself and who you are. Not to appieze someone else..1
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First off, big hugs from me. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time with your hub and I hope it works out. Please take the below reactions with a grain of salt; without knowing the full story and you and your man, these were just initial impressions...
----
My first thought: he likes a little extra junk in the trunk, maybe she can up her squats?
My boyfriend's idea (he is sitting on couch with me while I scroll thru MFP): he liked her with more weight because she was less secure and happy with herself hence more dependent on him. Now he's concerned that she is going to be getting more attention--and giving it back--elsewhere so he's being cold so she will do whatever it takes to reengage him. It's a petty mind game but it shows that he's feeling really insecure and lots of men do it. [I inserted sounds of awe and disbelief and discomfort at this point in time.] She should either bring it up frankly and try to work it out, assure him it's all good (and then follow through), but without compromising her health/fitness goals. If he isn't willing to play ball, it's a more serious issue at hand and she should seriously consider getting the duck out now.
My reaction: wow. I need to go snuggle my cat, eat a donut, and watch an uplifting romantic comedy to rediscover my faith in love.
As a man, I agree with this, your husband might be worried you're too hot for him now. We're insecure like that. Make sure he knows you're not going anywhere. You committed to him and he committed to you. I like the couples therapy idea too. Even healthy marriages need that sometimes.2 -
Okay...You do what's best for you. If being healthy is important to you, continue with that.
Now..Yes true love has nothing to do with your size..But physical attraction sometimes does. And if your husband is attracted to bigger women, then it is what it is.
Do what's best for you.2 -
and it started the huge discussion... apparently he has a huge fascination with larger women and feeding etc.
And this information has only come out after you guys being together for 5 1/2 years? Wow.
Tell your husband to get over himself or at least level with you as to how deep this fascination goes so you can make an informed decision together for the sake of your marriage.3
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