Help for an unmotivated friend
Mary_Anastasia
Posts: 267 Member
One of my best friends needs help and I don't know what else to do for her. If anyone has gone through this, please advise. Here are the facts:
- She comes from a large family, her mother died young due to her weight (she got to 800lbs)
- She successfully lost weight twice and got to a size 10, she was a gym rat, very muscular, and VERY popular and attractive
- She became depressed over a breakup and gained 70lbs in one year. And more since then. She is now a size 22 and climbing regularly. She only has 1 pair of sweats and 2 t-shirts that fit.
- She says she knows she can lose the weight, she's just not motivated, and she's depressed.
I have:
- suggested she go to a doctor, counselor and/or nutritionist. I said "I did! There's NOTHING wrong with going to somebody who has answers" and she said she didn't have the money. So I gave her resources for free services. She still won't go.
- Asked her to join me at the gym for free, any day any time, I will leave work if I have to. She won't go.
- Talked to her about why she's depressed. She just says because she's fat.
- Tried to take her out hiking, kayaking, and dancing. She 95% of the time won't go.
- She comes over a lot, so I started making healthy meals and snacks for us. She won't eat them and now buys Taco Bell every time on her way over.
- Told her I would come over after work and we could go on 2x/week walks along the water in her neighborhood. She said no.
- Raved about MFP and shown it to her, and tried to get her to join. She won't.
- Tried to give and loan her my old big clothes, the cute ones, to make her feel pretty. She thinks she looks ridiculous, and some of them don't fit.
I am -this- close to buying her some clothes....even if just from the thrift store. She really needs some. But she is also so proud, she hates receiving gifts without an occasion, so I don't know if I should suggest that.
I'm really worried about her. She knows what to do, how to do it, and I don't need to remind her about her mom, but she is headed down the same path. Has anyone else gone through this with a friend? Or have you been like my friend? What can I do?
- She comes from a large family, her mother died young due to her weight (she got to 800lbs)
- She successfully lost weight twice and got to a size 10, she was a gym rat, very muscular, and VERY popular and attractive
- She became depressed over a breakup and gained 70lbs in one year. And more since then. She is now a size 22 and climbing regularly. She only has 1 pair of sweats and 2 t-shirts that fit.
- She says she knows she can lose the weight, she's just not motivated, and she's depressed.
I have:
- suggested she go to a doctor, counselor and/or nutritionist. I said "I did! There's NOTHING wrong with going to somebody who has answers" and she said she didn't have the money. So I gave her resources for free services. She still won't go.
- Asked her to join me at the gym for free, any day any time, I will leave work if I have to. She won't go.
- Talked to her about why she's depressed. She just says because she's fat.
- Tried to take her out hiking, kayaking, and dancing. She 95% of the time won't go.
- She comes over a lot, so I started making healthy meals and snacks for us. She won't eat them and now buys Taco Bell every time on her way over.
- Told her I would come over after work and we could go on 2x/week walks along the water in her neighborhood. She said no.
- Raved about MFP and shown it to her, and tried to get her to join. She won't.
- Tried to give and loan her my old big clothes, the cute ones, to make her feel pretty. She thinks she looks ridiculous, and some of them don't fit.
I am -this- close to buying her some clothes....even if just from the thrift store. She really needs some. But she is also so proud, she hates receiving gifts without an occasion, so I don't know if I should suggest that.
I'm really worried about her. She knows what to do, how to do it, and I don't need to remind her about her mom, but she is headed down the same path. Has anyone else gone through this with a friend? Or have you been like my friend? What can I do?
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Replies
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It sounds like she is in the middle of a deep depression. It can be really hard to focus on anything positive when you're in that state -- sort of like being stuck in quicksand and feeling apathetic about it.
I had a friend who was in a bad way like that once and getting her out of the house, even if it was just to sit in the sun for a bit at the park, was super helpful. She hated me at first but it did get her out of her own head for a bit. Even then, it took time for her to make those changes herself. Now she is in therapy and doing better.
Unfortunately you can't make anyone want to change. All you can do is be there for her and be ready to help when she's ready. You're a good friend for caring about her. Sometimes all it takes is some encouragement, so hang in there.2 -
You can't make someone lose weight. You have to leave her be until she is ready, which the more you pressure her the longer it will be.2
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As hard as it is... this.
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Tell her you are waiting for her to be ready and that when she is you will be fully 100% at her side .
Maybe the fact that she knows someone will be there when the time comes will help.4 -
There's only so much you can do, and it sounds like you've hit the limit. I don't know about you, but there's a point when I can't give another suggestion I know is going to be shot down. I start to feel like help isn't welcome. There's comfort in familiarity even if it's not a comfortable situation or circumstance. If you're going to continue the friendship, I suggest doing so without more focus on her weight and depression than is unavoidable. I imagine you'll just get frustrated, and she might get tired of it as well. Be her friend. Let her find her own way with the weight and depression unless she asks for help or unless you fear for her immediate welfare.2
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Unless a person is motivated themselves, there isn't much we can do.1
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The only thing that you can do is to just be there for her. She knows what she needs to do, but the main thing right now that she needs to do is get treated for depression. Be frank with her. Try to coax her in to seeing a doctor. There are services that she can use if she does not have the money. Perhaps if she gets her depression under control, she will be able to try on her weight problem.
Sounds like she has a good, caring friend in you.0 -
Oh you sound like such a caring good friend.
Sadly motivation has to come internal. Pressure won't help and may hurt. Just be there and model good health . She does sound depressed getting her to see someone is probably the best way out.1 -
Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want the help. Obviously there is more going on besides the weight issues. Let her know you are her friend and there for her. Keep doing the small things like going for walks. Even if she doesn't take you up on the offer, hopefully one day she will. *hugs* you're a good friend. Make sure you do some care for you, too.0
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Maybe next time she comes over, meet her at the door, tell her you're going for a walk, and don't take no for an answer. Maybe one positive step of getting some air and sunshine will lead to others. Other than that, you've obviously done a great deal to try to help her. As others have said, you are a wonderful friend!1
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