Developed an unhealthy relationship with food
willow8220
Posts: 26 Member
Hello everyone
This is my first post here
I have been lurking here for a few weeks now, reading posts and getting a feel of how MFP works.
Last year in February I started my weight loss journey. Starting at 100 kgs my goal was to get to 69kgs as this was what I weighed on my wedding day 11 years ago, and I felt really good at that weight.
So I lost 32 kgs in 7 months, got down to 68kgs (2 kilos above healthy bmi). It was a very agressive weight loss. I was eating normally at the start, lower carb but fuelling my body properly. But then I quickly developed disordered views on eating-thinking if I ate less the weight would come off faster or feeling anxious about going out to a restaurant to eat dinner. I was loving going to the gym, and getting the compliments about my new shape. But my beautiful long thick hair started falling out, people started saying I looked gaunt and I know I was not eating nowhere near enough. Most days consisted of eating a couple of boiled eggs, coffee, almonds and fruit. Now you can probably guess where this is leading..
Unfortunately my body was just so starved of nutrients, and all it took was one birthday party where I gorged myself on food, that has set off this horrible binge, restrict cycle that i have currently found myself in and cant escape. I do really well for a week, eating less (too much less) and then spiral out of control eating everything in sight. It really is disgusting behaviour and I feel scared that I cant control my problem. I eat junk food in secret and feel so ashamed and then the next day I try to undo the damage by fasting (very bad I know).
Ever since then (Sept last year) ive been trying to lose the weight (about 8kgs) that i have inevitably put on through restricting badly and then binging on very bad foods. I know I have developed a very disordered thinking of food and I really want to get well and just be at peace when eating foods. I have been up and down my whole life with losing and gaining 20 to 30 kgs -and its obvious that when I lose weight, that its not in a sustainable, healthy way. So it just piles back on very fast when I resume eating normally. But in all these years ive never been in this cycle of fasting, eating very low calories and then eating massive quantities of junk food. Its even scaring me and my hair is still falling out ;(
I guess I am desperatley reaching out for help and to get some advice from others that have overcome this problem. I apologise if this is the wrong place to post this, I am just so incredibly lost here. I really want to break these bad habits, lose the weight ive gained and then maintain for life and have a relaxed attitude around food. I may have to eat more calories and accept that it may take a long time. When ive lost this weight, I still really want to be able to eat a decent amount and not have to starve for the rest of my life. One thing I know for sure is that I dont ever want to be 100kgs again and I am glad I am trying to fix whats broken inside before I put it all on again. I worked so hard to see all that effort and determination just go down the drain.
I am female, 33 years old, 163cms or 5ft 4 and currently weigh 76kgs. I would ideally like to get to 66kgs and a healthy bmi. I am a mother to 4 children. Thanks so much for reading guys and any advice is greatly welcomed and appreciated ♡
This is my first post here
I have been lurking here for a few weeks now, reading posts and getting a feel of how MFP works.Last year in February I started my weight loss journey. Starting at 100 kgs my goal was to get to 69kgs as this was what I weighed on my wedding day 11 years ago, and I felt really good at that weight.
So I lost 32 kgs in 7 months, got down to 68kgs (2 kilos above healthy bmi). It was a very agressive weight loss. I was eating normally at the start, lower carb but fuelling my body properly. But then I quickly developed disordered views on eating-thinking if I ate less the weight would come off faster or feeling anxious about going out to a restaurant to eat dinner. I was loving going to the gym, and getting the compliments about my new shape. But my beautiful long thick hair started falling out, people started saying I looked gaunt and I know I was not eating nowhere near enough. Most days consisted of eating a couple of boiled eggs, coffee, almonds and fruit. Now you can probably guess where this is leading..
Unfortunately my body was just so starved of nutrients, and all it took was one birthday party where I gorged myself on food, that has set off this horrible binge, restrict cycle that i have currently found myself in and cant escape. I do really well for a week, eating less (too much less) and then spiral out of control eating everything in sight. It really is disgusting behaviour and I feel scared that I cant control my problem. I eat junk food in secret and feel so ashamed and then the next day I try to undo the damage by fasting (very bad I know).
Ever since then (Sept last year) ive been trying to lose the weight (about 8kgs) that i have inevitably put on through restricting badly and then binging on very bad foods. I know I have developed a very disordered thinking of food and I really want to get well and just be at peace when eating foods. I have been up and down my whole life with losing and gaining 20 to 30 kgs -and its obvious that when I lose weight, that its not in a sustainable, healthy way. So it just piles back on very fast when I resume eating normally. But in all these years ive never been in this cycle of fasting, eating very low calories and then eating massive quantities of junk food. Its even scaring me and my hair is still falling out ;(
I guess I am desperatley reaching out for help and to get some advice from others that have overcome this problem. I apologise if this is the wrong place to post this, I am just so incredibly lost here. I really want to break these bad habits, lose the weight ive gained and then maintain for life and have a relaxed attitude around food. I may have to eat more calories and accept that it may take a long time. When ive lost this weight, I still really want to be able to eat a decent amount and not have to starve for the rest of my life. One thing I know for sure is that I dont ever want to be 100kgs again and I am glad I am trying to fix whats broken inside before I put it all on again. I worked so hard to see all that effort and determination just go down the drain.
I am female, 33 years old, 163cms or 5ft 4 and currently weigh 76kgs. I would ideally like to get to 66kgs and a healthy bmi. I am a mother to 4 children. Thanks so much for reading guys and any advice is greatly welcomed and appreciated ♡
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Replies
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Hi willow
I used to have a terrible relationship with food, and attached negative food associations to everything I thought bad/junk/unhealthy. I'd restrict to the foods I believed to be good and healthy, but then have massive binges, or get the guilts from even thinking about enjoying "bad" food, and I resorted to other unhealthy practices....i thought that I had to have complete control over every single ingredient to control my physique. Like you, my behaviour led to health issues...
Using IIFYM helped me incredibly - I don't have the negative food associations anymore, I now know I can eat whatever I like and still achieve my goals. I've used IIFYM to lose weight, gain weight/muscle, and maintain my weight. I've used it to reverse diet and build up my caloric intake after dieting for bodybuilding competitions. I guess I still have control over what I eat, but in a different way. I don't see food as good or bad, instead, it's protein, carbs or fat. I'm more relaxed around food, and can go out to eat without stress/anxiety or guilt!
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Wow, thank you for responding so quickly I appreciate your kind response. I am so happy for you that you found a way out of disordered eating. I will certainly have to read up more on IIFYM for sure, it sounds interesting.
I guess for me, I have quite an all or nothing type personality. I have never been able to just eat one small piece of chocolate, so I just cut it out of my diet completely. However I am not sure this approach is working for me anymore either, because I am binging on these "forbidden" foods so badly. And realistically? I want to be able to eat chocolate or some fries now and again. I am just so struggling trying to adopt the healthy mindset of having just one, instead of a whole packet. I envy people with so much control.3 -
willow8220 wrote: »Wow, thank you for responding so quickly I appreciate your kind response. I am so happy for you that you found a way out of disordered eating. I will certainly have to read up more on IIFYM for sure, it sounds interesting.
I guess for me, I have quite an all or nothing type personality. I have never been able to just eat one small piece of chocolate, so I just cut it out of my diet completely. However I am not sure this approach is working for me anymore either, because I am binging on these "forbidden" foods so badly. And realistically? I want to be able to eat chocolate or some fries now and again. I am just so struggling trying to adopt the healthy mindset of having just one, instead of a whole packet. I envy people with so much control.
I used to be exactly like this. If I opened a bag of candy, I'd eat the bag. If I had a piece of chocolate I'd devour the block. I'd buy bags of stuff and eat in secret.
I must admit, I went through a period where I banned it completely from my pantry/fridge. I never bought it - I even avoided going to that aisle at the supermarket. After a while I tested my willpower by walking up and down the aisle, picking up bags (even smelling them) and putting them back without needing to buy them.
It wasn't until I started using IIFYM and understanding that this stuff was ok in moderation, and wouldn't make me gain 10kgs, that I became ok with it. Knowing that I can have it if I want it, as long as I make it fit my calories/macros has actually made it less desirable. I have a huge lolly/chocolate collection in my pantry... It sits there til I want a bit, which isn't really that often!4 -
Gosh, just reading what you wrote has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. You are absolutely right-yes I can have one treat and not undo months of hard work. This is how "normal" people should eat.
It sounds so crazy, but there's an illogical fear attached to eating foods deemed bad. I have this fear that I will gain weight by having it in small quantities. Thank you again, ive found what you had to say very enlightening and its made me think hard about losing weight and keeping it off in a sustainable way. I have just been reading about IIFYM, I want to start eating in a way now that enables me to eat when I am at my goal weight and not feel so deprived. Thank you for your input!4 -
Make an appointment to see your doctor so that you can get the help that you need to break this unhealthy relationship with food. You deserve so much more than this lifestyle with food. In the meantime remember that there are no bad foods, nothing that needs to be avoided and the more you eat in a day the less likely you are to binge. Everything in moderation is fine.8
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I'd see a doctor and ask for a referral to see someone who deals with eating disorders. Well dobe for identifying the issue.6
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Thank you guys, yes I will make an appointment for next week, I will let you know how it goes. I have been thinking of going to my GP for a while now and talking to them about my issues. I admit I kept putting it off because I am worried the doctor will dismiss my concerns as a trivial problem. Fingers crossed they refer me, I really want to put some strategies in place to adopt a healthy lifestyle, stop weighing myself so damn much and hopefully grow my hair back a little. Thanks for the support xxx5
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Well done for taking this first step in reaching out for help. It is one huge step closer to recovery. I wish you well in your journey ahead.6
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Thank you kindly Lillymoo. You made my day! Its my birthday today too, feeling happy, inspired and positive that I can do this. Its taken me a while to admit to myself I have a problem, I am so tired of not being able to maintain a healthy weight all my adult life. This time something has got to change! In the meantime before i see my doctor, I am going to eat more filling foods with a treat in each day and see if it curbs my urges to overeat and binge.4
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Keep in mind that changing your thinking around food takes time and practice. Please forgive yourself if some parts don't fall in line with your plan at first. Excessive guilt and self-loathing would only fuel the cycle away from the positive changes you wish to see.9
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amusedmonkey wrote: »Keep in mind that changing your thinking around food takes time and practice. Please forgive yourself if some parts don't fall in line with your plan at first. Excessive guilt and self-loathing would only fuel the cycle away from the positive changes you wish to see.
This is sound and wise advice, thank you. I will take what you have said on board indeed. It is going to take a while to deprogramme these negative thoughts around food, I am willing and ready to put in the effort and be kinder to myself, because I want to live a good life and not be controlled by obsessive food thoughts forever.
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I think before having a healthy relationship with food, one need to have a healthy relationship with him/herself. Love yourself no matter what the scale tells you. The scale is only telling you one side of the story. You know the whole story. Be healthy because yourself deserves it.
Good luck.2 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »I think before having a healthy relationship with food, one need to have a healthy relationship with him/herself. Love yourself no matter what the scale tells you. The scale is only telling you one side of the story. You know the whole story. Be healthy because yourself deserves it.
Good luck.
So well spoken and true. I haven't had a good self esteem my whole life. I struggle with feelings of self worth, I think you are spot on. There are bigger, deep rooted issues here I need to deal with too. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, something to think about.
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Everyone has already given you such great advice, but I just wanted to wish you luck. Remember everyone has problems and there's no shame in admitting it and getting it fixed. If your doctor isn't sensitive to the issue, please see someone else. This is a real problem and you'll need help with it.4
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Thank you for being so open and honest with your struggle. Of course, make an appointment with a professional, but until then focus on eating at your maintenance calories for a while. You've lost a bunch of weight, it's not going to hurt to stay the same weight for a bit. In fact, it will probably help you get to goal in a healthy way.
It's like when they climb Mount Everest. Nobody can climb straight from the bottom to the top. They would die, no question. So instead, they stop at several camps along the way to acclimate to the mountain and be able to reach the peak. You have not given your body a chance to acclimate to your lower weight. You're suffocating, so to speak. Build your camp. And several more camps along the way.7 -
Great job on recognizing a problem. You can have a good relationship with food and enjoy life and eating again with a little help. I always struggled with moderation. I'm an all or nothing type. So I either all out went for only eating what I deemed healthy and low calorie to create a big deficit or I binge ate whatever I wanted and it was usually high calorie low nutrition junk food. This happened when I lost all my weight in 2012. I gained all of that back and then some because I went from crazy obsessively monitored eating to uncontrolled binging when I hit my goal and thought I was "done" so then I rewarded myself with everything I had deprived myself of. Reading your post, this sound like you may be able to identify with my struggle. Fast forward four years to now. I've lost all my weight again and even a few more pounds past my original goal. This time I am much better with moderation. Telling yourself you can never have ____ again is a bad mindset. You can still eat some of anything you want! But you have to balance it and understand that the days of three brownies, a whole pizza or a batch of cookies are over. Besides who wants that? It used to sound good but now I can be content with having a couple slices, or a few pieces. Moderation takes practice and until it becomes a well ingrained habit it's a struggle. But if you are still overly restricting, moderation will go out the window causing binging. The body will demand nutrients and those cravings and hunger singles are impossible to resist. This is why most anorexics typically end up in binge/restrict cycles or binge/purge cycles. You have to fix one end before you can tackle the other. I encourage you to seek support from your doctor and also from a ED specialist and maybe dietician. These behaviors can sometimes be curbed on their own early on but if you have realized you don't feel in control anymore then it's time to reach out for the help you deserve to get back to loving your body and yourself enough to take care of you. Everyone needs help getting through life, it's just different areas for everyone. Yours has become food. No shame in needing help. I wish you all the best and hope you can find that balance and support you deserve.1
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Oh wow, the last two posters-thank you dearly. I am so close to tears reading the kind, words of wisdom you have shared. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Mini medic, your post resonated with me and its all starting to make sense. And gosh, you are so right when you say "who wants that?" To be honest, when binging constantly I find that the junk food doesnt even taste that good anymore. A huge congrats on getting to your goal weight and more importantly, learning the art of moderation. I so hope to get to that point of the right balance one day.
To all that responded, you have no idea how much your words have helped me already, I am really touched and amazed by the great advice and kindness. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this struggle xx0 -
It's like when they climb Mount Everest. Nobody can climb straight from the bottom to the top. They would die, no question. So instead, they stop at several camps along the way to acclimate to the mountain and be able to reach the peak. You have not given your body a chance to acclimate to your lower weight. You're suffocating, so to speak. Build your camp. And several more camps along the way.
Absolutely loved your Mt Everest analogy-just brilliant, thank you!
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This is a great app!! I love it. You have alot of people who will support you and it's a great feeling. I wish you well on your journey and welcome!!1
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Thank you davisfanny and thank you for the friend request too Really loving the support and information here so much. 0
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Hi Willow, I'm Jessalyn. So I'm someone who has struggled with an eating disorder in the past, which creeps out occasionally. I have seen a dietitian 3 times now who is helping me get back to eating intuitively and healthily, without having food restrictions but focusing on the healthy things and habits in life. I'm not doing all the things perfectly and I'm learning to forgive myself for these and understand its a process. If you want a friend who is just trying to be healthier and do things in moderation, please add me. Anyone else here, too. Best wishes to you.
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Thanks Jessalyn, I have sent a friend request. I am so glad you have received help for your eating disorder. I look forward to talking to a professional about my food issues. Thanks for reaching out to me and keep up the great work that you're doing xx0
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willow8220 wrote: »Wow, thank you for responding so quickly I appreciate your kind response. I am so happy for you that you found a way out of disordered eating. I will certainly have to read up more on IIFYM for sure, it sounds interesting.
I guess for me, I have quite an all or nothing type personality. I have never been able to just eat one small piece of chocolate, so I just cut it out of my diet completely. However I am not sure this approach is working for me anymore either, because I am binging on these "forbidden" foods so badly. And realistically? I want to be able to eat chocolate or some fries now and again. I am just so struggling trying to adopt the healthy mindset of having just one, instead of a whole packet. I envy people with so much control.
I was anorexic in my teens. But I love sweets. I have to fit treats into my daily calorie allotment. I pretty much have a very rigid planned diet. Coffee and greek yogurt for breakfast, water the rest of the day, lunch is a salad, snack is a fruit, and dinner is what the family is having as a normal portion. If I want chocolate or ice cream, I buy hershey kisses or small individually wrapped candy. I only put one or two in my lunch. I can't eat what I do not have. When we go for ice cream, I always get the kid size. Again, I can't eat more than what I have in front of me.1 -
I love sweets too Libby283. When I binge its always on chocolate, ice cream, donuts, lollies etc. Food that makes me come crashing down real quick. Thank you for the tips and I am sorry to hear of your anorexia battle as a teen, that must have been so hard to go through.0
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Don't try to cut them completely. Try cutting the donut in half. Grab a couple spoonfuls of ice cream. Buy chocolate in individually wrapped packages. Set rules. You can only have chocolate with your packed lunch. Eat ice cream as a family, etc.0
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Don't try to cut them completely. Try cutting the donut in half. Grab a couple spoonfuls of ice cream. Buy chocolate in individually wrapped packages. Set rules. You can only have chocolate with your packed lunch. Eat ice cream as a family, etc.
This is good but also remember - sometimes you will want the whole thing. And that's okay. It is not a failure or weakness or something shameful.1 -
Do you have support at home? Admitting theres a problem is the first step to figuring out how to fix it. Why not try keeping a journal and find your triggers for having these behaviours happen? And make sure to always stay at a healthy calorie amount wise so youre not under eatting but also not over eatting.0
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Two things helped me immensely.. One was IIFYM as another poster had mentioned and the other was Eat to Perform, another helpful plan. Both have websites.2
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Ah, support well, I talk to my husband a lot of my struggles with food. He is a great listener but says I should just try and stop at one piece and not eat the whole lot. I wish it were that simple.
I dont feel there are any emotional reasons for the binge eating. I think the gorging on foods is really due to the heavy restricting I have been doing, thus I am ravenous and starving and cannot control my urges and I am looking to refuel quickly with carbs and sugar. I must break this awful cycle. Its hard, I am not eating well, especially when restricting, I dont even sit down for dinner and eat with my hubby and kids-how sad is that? Its no way to live.0 -
willow8220 wrote: »Ah, support well, I talk to my husband a lot of my struggles with food. He is a great listener but says I should just try and stop at one piece and not eat the whole lot. I wish it were that simple.
I dont feel there are any emotional reasons for the binge eating. I think the gorging on foods is really due to the heavy restricting I have been doing, thus I am ravenous and starving and cannot control my urges and I am looking to refuel quickly with carbs and sugar. I must break this awful cycle. Its hard, I am not eating well, especially when restricting, I dont even sit down for dinner and eat with my hubby and kids-how sad is that? Its no way to live.
It is because you are restricting. Stop restricting. Fit small amounts into your daily food intake. Enter your food the day before if needed. I know this makes me stick to the plan because I am lazy and do not like to change entries.0
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