My boyfriend doesn't support my weight loss goals

rachelagoodill · April 2017

We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.

I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him. He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.

I don't know what I can do.

bigmuneymfp · April 2017

Get a new boyfriend

Unknown · April 2017

This content has been removed.

TavistockToad · April 2017

enjoy your journey.... he doesn't need to be on it.

that being said, if you dislike his lifestyle so much, you need to decide whether you want him in your life.

lthames0810 · April 2017

Ideally each partner should be able to eat as they wish without criticism from the other or at least to compromise. If you feel pressured to eat differently than you prefer, then this is a relationship thing to discuss not just nutrition.

jemhh · April 2017

Are you dating with the intention of finding a long term mate? If so, consider whether your way to enjoy life matches his in the long run. If it doesn't, perhaps the relationship has run its course.

inertiastrength · April 2017

My bf isn't unsupportive as we both watch our calories but he's bulking rn and I'm cutting so he eats 4K cals and I eat 1460; you choose what goes in your pie hole not him. A little personal accountability goes a long way, nor would I ever suggest he eat a particular way because that's rude af

futuresize8 · April 2017

Is it possible that he doesn't fully understand how important it is to you? I mean YOU know it is important, but have you made sure that he understands? And have you also said how you'd like him to support you? Because we can't read each other's minds, even if we're really in sync with the people we love...sometimes we have to communicate our needs. Once you have communicated, and your needs still aren't met, THEN there is something to be concerned about... I hope you two work it out!

MonkeyMel21 · April 2017

My husband would be happy if we both got fat and ate and drank everything. But I would not be happy. I enjoy working out and eating healthy (because less heartburn, bloating, generally feeling like crap) and looking fit. Now, ten years in to our marriage he started going to a gym for the first time in his life and using MFP to track calories because he wants to "look good for me". I'll take him either way but it is nice that he wants to take care of himself! To add, he has never made me feel bad for wanting to be fit and healthy.

rsclause · April 2017

Yeah, junk food tastes great (or I used to think so) but it more than a little overweight. Its the 5 or 10 pounds year after year that will literally kill you. All I see now are people in electric shopping carts loaded with junk food. They are not handicapped they are lazy and have no shame or their joints are so badly worn they hurt to move. Either way now is the time to act if you don't want to be that person. Its not easy but the alternative isn't easy either.

iofred · April 2017

Well, in the end, if you want to enjoy life you start with yourself. If you cannot be happy with yourself, how can you move on from there. \the same applies to your friend though. So if you can both accept each other (and support each others wishes), than it is a happy match, if you can't, you need to look at either ways to compromise or alternatives

glassofroses · April 2017

If he's honestly standing in your way of being a healthier and happier person then that rings alarm bells. Maybe he's feeling self conscious because he knows how unhealthy he has become and seeing you change is making him face that fact but those are his issues and he shouldn't be putting them on you. All you could and should do is keep doing what you're doing. Either he gets on board or out of the way because you're your own person and if this makes you happy, do it.

Lavelle1980 · April 2017

Get a new BF. Run don't look back.

jennifer_417 · April 2017

You're bf's not being unsupportive, he's just being the same person he's been all along. It's not fair to expect him to change just because you are.

MonkeyMel21 · April 2017

jennifer_417 wrote: »

You're bf's not being unsupportive, he's just being the same person he's been all along. It's not fair to expect him to change just because you are.

If he's telling her to not lose weight because he's happy with the way they are and thinks she should be too, then yes, he's being unsupportive.

Enjcg5 · April 2017

You have two choices: 1). You do you, while he does him. 2). Cut your ties now before you get sucked in an unhealthy vortex
You will not, should not, cannot change anyone. Not now not never! True change comes from within.

midlomel1971 · April 2017

You are young. Get out now while you still can. I know it's easier said than done - especially when the advice comes from a bunch of strangers - but you need someone who supports your new lifestyle. Do you really want to be with someone who sits around eating junk and wants you to be unhealthy with him? Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't support you.

Daddy78230 · April 2017

You just have to do your own thing wether you get encouragement from him or not. Don't make it a wedge issue. If he gives you issues you need to confront him.

Consider yourself lucky he doesn't try to sabotage your efforts. My ex wife went out of her way to make sure I eventually failed.

A_Rene86 · April 2017

It sounds to me like he may be feeling insecure. When both of you have gained weight, it feels comfortable, but when one of you starts making changes and improving your appearance, the other may feel as if they'll no longer be good enough for this new and improved you. It might be beneficial to both of you to have a serious talk about this. You've made it clear that you love him regardless and are not asking him to change, so let him know that. Remind him that you're doing this for yourself and provided he can support you through the process (whether or not he chooses to participate), it won't change anything about your feelings for him.

I hope you can resolve this without having to cut him out of your life as others have suggested. Just don't let his insecurities derail your efforts.

T0M_K · April 2017

NorthernBoy88 wrote: »

Let him get out of shape while you get in shape. He will soon become insecure and make changes

lmao. ingnore this ^ *waves wand* "it didn't even happen"

2011rocket3touring · April 2017

replace him. It's ok to give up some things for a boyfriend but your health and happiness aren't 2 of them.

Packerjohn · April 2017

rachelagoodill wrote: »

We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.

I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him. He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.

I don't know what I can do.

If he's lIving an unhealthy lifestyle and sayimg now that life is to be enjoyed ask him if he thinks he will enjoy life in 20 years when he has diabetes and is on a motorized scooter with an oxygen tank at Walmart.

sarochka85 · April 2017

I find men DO tend to start doing exercise if their gf or wife leads the way. I don't know why but I have seen it again and again!

Rabid_Hamster · April 2017

rachelagoodill wrote: »

We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.

I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him. He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.

I don't know what I can do.

If you're doing this for any other than reasons of your own, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You take care of YOUR health for YOUR reasons.

His health doesn't appear to be as much of a priority to him. Maybe he hasn't found the right "Why." Maybe he's happy with his current physicality. Maybe he doesn't think it's even possible for him. Regardless, it's for him to figure out. DON"T USE HIS RATIONALIZATION TO KEEP YOU FROM YOUR TARGETS.

Stay focused and relentless. Hopefully, he gets on board and then you both can do things together. If not, you still do you.

leggup · April 2017

Weight loss and health is ultimately a solo journey. You are the only one who can decide what you eat. It may be difficult to stick to your diet around him, but that's life. It's difficult to stick to your goals when you drive past 15 fast food places on the way home from work. Different people have their, "it's time for a change" moments at different times. What you can do is focus on yourself and your own goals. You can also tell him ways he can support you and ask that he does support your decision, because it's been decided.

I've gone through periods of time where I was working on losing weight and my husband wasn't. I didn't ask him to lose with me, instead I told him how he could be supportive, like by watching the little dog while I took the big dog on a bike ride, or not taking bites of my pre-portioned foods. I also asked that he try not to comment on my body in a comparative way, like, "your waist is so much smaller now!" or in a speculative way, "You keep this up you're going to be so small." I don't like either, so he focuses instead on the now.

A_Rene86 · April 2017

I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.

I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.

animatorswearbras · April 2017

Christ don't listen to these knee jerk responses, you don't have to dump him unless hes being abusive about you losing weight (putting you down, constantly trying to sabotage you, getting angry that you go to the gym) he probably just thinks I love you the way you are, no need to bust a gut dieting, have pizza with me because I feel guilty (this is probably the main issue) eating it by myself. I think he just needs encouraging, if he's a good guy he'll help you out by trying not to always eat junk in front of you or maybe meet you half way by maybe only having junk at weekends whilst you're trying to be healthy.

I'd probably also concentrate my language on that you're trying to be healthy and get fitter rather than lose weight, he can't as easily say I don't want you to be healthy.

ninerbuff · April 2017

It's your goal and not his. You CANNOT change a person's mind unless THEY are willing to change it on their own with you. That said, continue. You'll see how your relationship goes from there. Some things are deal breakers in a relationship and for some, this may be it. For me, it was living the rest of my life with a person who was always messy and disorganized and that I always cleaned up after. After 3 years of it, I opted out and now have been married for 18 years to a wonderful woman who's the complete opposite.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

crooked_left_hook · April 2017

The first step is to have a conversation about it. You need to tell him why this is important to you, and what he can do to support you. Give him specific actions he can take, don't be vague. If that doesn't change things you either need to accept that this is the way he will always behave in this type of situation and decide if you want to live with that or move on. My ex-husband and I had this same issue (amongst many other compatibility issues). It certainly was not the reason for our divorce, but I didn't realize how much his negative eating and health habits affected me until I met my current partner. My current partner and I have similar values in terms of weight management, relationships with food, and general health. Living with him is so much easier and much more enjoyable. We don't align on exercise habits (I exercise more than he does, he's a walker, I'm a runner) but it's not something that bothers us. It might sound petty to some, but when your talking about long term, life long relationship a partner with incompatible health habits can really take a toll on you.

In my experience, having support from your partner is a non-negotiable in healthy relationships. They don't have to do exactly what you do, or change who they are fundamentally, but they should make an effort to be supportive by minimizing behavior that undermines your progress. When they don't support you it just causes resentment, which left unresolved chips away at your relationship.

alyssa_rest · April 2017

My husband always makes little comments until I start noticeably losing weight. Then he subconsciously starts mimicking what I do and enjoying the food I put on the table. Unless he's doing the cooking, he's eating what's there. After that, he's fine with it.

When we go out, I eat what works for me and he chooses what he wants. I don't comment nor does he. Let him choose his own decisions on his eating habits, and make your own for your goals. If he starts making comments to you, let him, but just say, "Thanks, but I feel better doing what I'm doing and that's what matters."

*Edited for typing error

Rogstar · April 2017

If you two truly love each other, this shouldn't be much of a hurdle. Just talk about it. If he doesn't want to change, you shouldn't make him. But, make it clear that it is something you want for yourself.

Early in relationships, some couples feel that they need to do everything together. Shoot, I felt that until I was married for a while. I have found that this is not true. In fact, relationships can be healthier when each has their own hobbies and interests.

My husband is a wonderful man and I love him so much. But he has no interest in changing his lifestyle (yet!) He gets fast food whenever, he sits and plays video games whenever, and doesn't make any effort to move around unless it's to walk the dog or do work around the house. But even that, I end up doing it most of the time since I'm already up and walking around.

I was very lazy too for the first 7 years of our marriage (plus the 5 years we dated before that) and always waited to make a change until we were both ready. But then I had an epiphany. I am not the same person as my husband. I can do whatever I want to when it comes to my health and well being and I don't have to wait for him to do it with me. I am not tied to doing what he does, and I don't have to let what he does affect me in the least!

It's not easy...but for the last 5 years, I've been keeping up a relatively healthier lifestyle. I limit my gaming so I can get exercise in. I still cook the same food, but I eat less and add more veggies to my plate. When we go out to eat, I choose lower calorie options. I love baking, but I've had to limit it to special occasions. I worked on stopping my binge eating behavior and hiding food (whole other issue!)

You can only choose to change yourself. When you love someone, you love them for who they are now and always. Sometimes, you just have to be patient and let them figure things out for themselves, especially if there is going to be a future with that person. Perhaps once your boyfriend sees how much the changes you make to yourself are making you happy, he'll be interested.

My boyfriend doesn't support my weight loss goals

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