Motivation Loss due to insulting comments
ArcticSero
Posts: 63 Member
I decided to try here in hopes that maybe you guys could help me. If this isn't the right place to post this, please tell me and I will move it.
I'm a 21 year old F, my weight atm is 217.4 (my goal is 170 which is my normal back in HS, but I was also shorter so basically I want to lose until I like how I look). I know my main problem in weight loss is finding ways to get active, I am eating fine and not eating different from usual, but my activity level has fell a lot compared to what it was in the past.
Regardless, my main problems isn't the fact the scale isn't budging, it's my mother. I still live at home right now while I finish up college, which I will be done in a year and then moving out to go onto grad school.
The problem is, she has these moments of fat shaming me a bit. I'm not fat, I am heavier than what I was, a lot of weight is in my belly, but even then I'm not big, I'm chubby/average.
Yet she takes every opportunity to tear me down, even in front of guests.
We went to a party my neighbor had and my mom was talking about how tiny I used to be while in HS and how I got bigger in college, partly due to the medications I had to take for an illness I have and partly due to inactivity since most of my time is spent at school where I take 18 credits a semester or work where I do 36-40 hours a week.
I felt uncomfortable with her talking about my weight gain, especially to neighbors/strangers, so I loudly made the comment, jokingly, it doesn't matter my weight because I have the biggest boobs in the family. Which is true, my other sisters are naturally thin, slim, and tall but small chests. I'm bigger at 32-36-44.
She then just kind of rolled her eyes and was all "Yep, biggest bust, butt, and gut." I decided to fight back and tell her "Yeah, but it's not as big as yours".
She's an obese 47 year old lady. She's 5'5" compared to my 5'8"-5'9" and she does have a lot of fat rolls and an obvious protruding belly.
She stated that she lost weight and she's lighter than me (she's 190something, but at 5'5" it's more obvious). I told her that a lot of my problems though is minor fat with my stomach and I'm tall so I would ofc weigh more than her. So what was her excuse.
She let the convo quickly drop then.
However, last night she kept trying to give me swim suit advice (little sister's wedding is in may and it's on the beach) and tell me what I should get. I just kept saying I'll wear whatever I feel comfortable in, but she kept pressing the issue that I should wear xx cause it'd make me look better.
My boyfriend has no problems with how I look, he's completely honest and he said I have gained fat in the stomach area but it's not too problematic and it'd be easy to lose.
However, with the wedding getting closer, and with me being the fat sister, she's been getting more and more vocal about her comments to the point I've been starting to lose motivation.
Anyone else had a mother like this? How did you deal with her? I've tried telling her to back off but with no results. It's just starting to get to me again, especially since I have no self esteem to begin with.
I'm a 21 year old F, my weight atm is 217.4 (my goal is 170 which is my normal back in HS, but I was also shorter so basically I want to lose until I like how I look). I know my main problem in weight loss is finding ways to get active, I am eating fine and not eating different from usual, but my activity level has fell a lot compared to what it was in the past.
Regardless, my main problems isn't the fact the scale isn't budging, it's my mother. I still live at home right now while I finish up college, which I will be done in a year and then moving out to go onto grad school.
The problem is, she has these moments of fat shaming me a bit. I'm not fat, I am heavier than what I was, a lot of weight is in my belly, but even then I'm not big, I'm chubby/average.
Yet she takes every opportunity to tear me down, even in front of guests.
We went to a party my neighbor had and my mom was talking about how tiny I used to be while in HS and how I got bigger in college, partly due to the medications I had to take for an illness I have and partly due to inactivity since most of my time is spent at school where I take 18 credits a semester or work where I do 36-40 hours a week.
I felt uncomfortable with her talking about my weight gain, especially to neighbors/strangers, so I loudly made the comment, jokingly, it doesn't matter my weight because I have the biggest boobs in the family. Which is true, my other sisters are naturally thin, slim, and tall but small chests. I'm bigger at 32-36-44.
She then just kind of rolled her eyes and was all "Yep, biggest bust, butt, and gut." I decided to fight back and tell her "Yeah, but it's not as big as yours".
She's an obese 47 year old lady. She's 5'5" compared to my 5'8"-5'9" and she does have a lot of fat rolls and an obvious protruding belly.
She stated that she lost weight and she's lighter than me (she's 190something, but at 5'5" it's more obvious). I told her that a lot of my problems though is minor fat with my stomach and I'm tall so I would ofc weigh more than her. So what was her excuse.
She let the convo quickly drop then.
However, last night she kept trying to give me swim suit advice (little sister's wedding is in may and it's on the beach) and tell me what I should get. I just kept saying I'll wear whatever I feel comfortable in, but she kept pressing the issue that I should wear xx cause it'd make me look better.
My boyfriend has no problems with how I look, he's completely honest and he said I have gained fat in the stomach area but it's not too problematic and it'd be easy to lose.
However, with the wedding getting closer, and with me being the fat sister, she's been getting more and more vocal about her comments to the point I've been starting to lose motivation.
Anyone else had a mother like this? How did you deal with her? I've tried telling her to back off but with no results. It's just starting to get to me again, especially since I have no self esteem to begin with.
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Replies
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yep. There is absolutely nothing you can do other than learn to deal with it. I tried to change my family and the way they tore me down for everything. "our ugly duckling still not a swan huh" or " our caretaker in our old age since no one will marry you" sort of insults and after years and too many tears, I finally pulled an Elsa and let it go.
It's going to be harder for you since it's in your face due to your living situation. try this though
next time, laugh. even if it hurts, even if it's painful, MAKE yourself laugh. Pretty soon your mind and feelings will produce a TRUE laugh when you see the ridiculousness of her statements. Now if I'm in the room with that side of the family I just chuckle and give them that look that is only missing a head pat and a "bless your heart sunshine" to complete it.
Focus on you. You work, you go to school, you have a relationship and a FUTURE. You can lose weight if it makes you happy to do so, her ugly attitude is forever.
I'd much rather be you than her
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Is this the way her personality is generally or just about this one topic?
My mom, and to a lesser extent my grams, were a little mean matter of fact when I was at my high weight. "Oh. You sure are putting on some weight"..... Mom got mean when I LOST the weight. I don't think she knows anyone at "ideal" weight, which I was at the time. She said that I clearly had an eating disorder since I mentioned something about weighing my apples, and said that my muscles made me "almost ugly". I told her that was a "*kitten* thing to say" and that I'm the healthiest person she knows. She cried (she was drunk) and we moved on. She never said another word. I know that her comments about my weight all had more to do with her size and how she feels in her body than it does about me... though I'm sure she honestly hopes that I don't become a bodybuilder.
Have you told her that 1. its bitchy to say things about your weight in general but specifically in front of guests? or 2. or the nicer way, tell her how it makes you feel?2 -
Is this the way her personality is generally or just about this one topic?
My mom, and to a lesser extent my grams, were a little mean matter of fact when I was at my high weight. "Oh. You sure are putting on some weight"..... Mom got mean when I LOST the weight. I don't think she knows anyone at "ideal" weight, which I was at the time. She said that I clearly had an eating disorder since I mentioned something about weighing my apples, and said that my muscles made me "almost ugly". I told her that was a "*kitten* thing to say" and that I'm the healthiest person she knows. She cried (she was drunk) and we moved on. She never said another word. I know that her comments about my weight all had more to do with her size and how she feels in her body than it does about me... though I'm sure she honestly hopes that I don't become a bodybuilder.
Have you told her that 1. its bitchy to say things about your weight in general but specifically in front of guests? or 2. or the nicer way, tell her how it makes you feel?
Kind of an ongoing/personality thing with her. She had me on a diet at one point when I was 10/11 because I was chubby, having me do long walks/runs with her so I would be able to lose weight. She did stop poking at my weight in HS but then started again I'm thinking due to the wedding. I have told her how it makes me feel and how she's being extremely rude but she just goes on about how "she's just trying to help".
I'm thinking that I'm probably being too crybabyish about it, but it's just getting to me especially since my two sisters look beautiful in the dresses but then you got this potato over here looking awkward in mine. 0 -
Tell her to stop taking her insecurities out in you. Just leave it at that.
You seem like an incredibly well-adjusted person to see this BS for what it is rather than letting it hurt you.2 -
Since she's overweight too, she's probably bringing up your weight in front of others to deflect from her own weight issues. Well...that won't work, people can still see her size. And from your description, people can also tell that she isn't a very nice mother. All she is likely accomplishing is making herself look foolish.
Just "grin and bear it" while you are still in school and living at home. Once you move out, you can distance yourself.1 -
If the laughter idea above doesn't work for you (though I like the idea), maybe you could come up with a default statement like, "That's an inappropriate thing to say and will not help me to be healthier or happier." Every time she says something mean about your size, you repeat the statement - even if there are other people around. If she continues, leave the room. This will be hard since you live together, but you could go for a walk or go to your room and listen to music or read a book. If you can't leave the room, you could put on headphones or put in earplugs? Eventually, she might learn that you won't tolerate that kind of talk and decrease it.
As for the dress for your sister's day, do you have a local seamstress who could help you make the dress fit better? Most people don't actually fit stock sizes. If not, are Spanx an option? I hate Spanx personally, but since the dress has already been chosen you are kind of stuck now. If nothing else, could you bring something pretty and comfortable to change into once the formal pictures/dinner are done?4 -
ArcticSero wrote: »I know my main problem in weight loss is finding ways to get active, I am eating fine and not eating different from usual, but my activity level has fell a lot compared to what it was in the past.
I want to point out that you don't have to exercise to lose weight. Just eat the appropriate calorie deficit. If you are using MFP to get a calorie goal and track your calorie intake that will be helpful even if you are busy and can not exercise much right now.
For your height, a normal weight range would be from 122 to 164 pounds so 170 is a fine goal to aim for and then see how you feel. Every pound closer to your goal is a step toward a healthier you.The problem is, she has these moments of fat shaming me a bit. I'm not fat, I am heavier than what I was, a lot of weight is in my belly, but even then I'm not big, I'm chubby/average.
Yet she takes every opportunity to tear me down, even in front of guests.
Realize that your mom is messed up and wrong. This is not because of your appearance but her issues with herself. She is not being a good person or mother. She is not trying to help you.
Commenting negatively on your body in front of others is hurtful and against any form of social etiquette I know of. You told her how it makes you feel and told her to stop repeatedly and she won't. I understand why you lashed out in return about her weight but in future I would not engage with her on the subject. If you say nothing then she just looks like a *kitten* alone. If she brings up weight ignore her and change the subject or leave the scene.
Don't talk about weight or diet around her. Don't involve her in picking out clothes. Do not go places in the same vehicle so you are not stuck with her. Look for a different place to live ASAP. It would be worth it for your mental health to get some space from her.
If you don't look great in a particular dress or swimsuit so what? You are a valuable person for who you are and what you do not how you look in clothes.
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I had issues with my mother all my life . She is naturally 90 pounds and I was always 'the big one'. It is very hurtful and all I can say is that you have to learn to deflect the negative comments. I know it is hard but you cannot change someone else's behavior- just how it effects you . I tried to talk to my mom and now she just says I am too sensitive. I did lose weight but it had nothing to do with my mom did or didn't say , You need to want to lose weight for yourself . You will decide when you are ready . As for the clothes- wear what you feel good in- not what your mom thinks . How does she know that what she suggests will make you look better ? Is she a fashion expert? Our mothers should love us unconditionally. They can worry about our weight but nasty comments will never help. Hang in there1
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It is strange when people put others down...When all they are really doing is looking at themselves in the cosmic mirror.0
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Love yourself, at the end of the day, you are all you have.
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I would not stay and listen to her. When she starts on the subject, just stand up and say pleasantly "excuse me please, but I have to go to the bathroom". After you've done it a few times, she'll get it.1
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Girl my husband is similar. He doesn't fat shame but when i started this weight loss journey he made comments to let it be known that "I couldn't do it" or "wouldn't t stick with it". The best advice is instead of losing motivation let it fuel you. The best revenge is to look better. So let it pump you up to do whatever it takes to lose the weight. I started my journey on April 1, 2017 and I'm already down over 20 lbs. I can help you. I want nothing more than for you to be successful because I don't like that at all. Just know that you can lose weight and look good and feel good about yourself. You deserve to be happy. And guess what. When you lose all your weight and hit your goal. You're going to be looking bomb as *kitten* and she'll just be looking dumb because you actually did it in spite of her negativity. Hang in there girl and if you need some encouragement or help feel free to message me.2
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I was with my partner for five years, but 2016 was a rough road for us and he started critiquing my appearance and my body regularly. Comments such as 'go look at yourself in the mirror', 'I want a skinny girlfriend', 'I am embarrassed to be seen with you', and 'you're not losing weight fast enough'. Apparently this was to motivate me.
Couple of notes here:
*Yes I am overweight but certainly no monster, and he met me as a larger girl
*He is no Brad Pitt but seems to feel he deserves a Victoria's Secret model
*Would refuse to go walking with me or to the gym
In the end it became so much pressure that I told him to go f*uck himself and walked out. Go find yourself a skinny girlfriend then!
Hardest, but best thing I ever did. Struggling a bit with an eating disorder, but I am trying my best to better myself, without listening to his nasty, hurtful comments.
I appreciate this is different circumstances to living with your mother, and you can't very well tell her to *kitten* off, but I very much believe constant criticism can come from a number of places:
*Controlling personality or need to be in charge
*Want to make you feel bad as to make themselves feel better
*They view themselves as an expert
*They lack social skills and are delivering well-meant feedback unskillfully
*They want to feel important and respected
*They are trying to shame or humiliate you, perhaps as revenge or a power play
*They are, simply put, a d*ckhead
Unfortunately you may have to grin and bear it for now until you are in a position to leave home. Just flick her the middle finger from time to time when she isn't looking :-)2 -
I have the same types of problems with my family. I am very close with my grandmother, but she takes every opportunity she can to fat shame me. Granted , I know I need to lose weight but it still doesn't help that I feel bad. I love her, so its hard to be mad at her or strike back. The only advice I can give you is to pray that your family will stop the drama and let you continue on your path toward your good health. Find supportive people who will be willing to help you on your journey and when those nasty comments start to get under your skin , walk away and say nothing. That is the only effective thing I have learned to do. Don't justify it their antics, dont feed into their childish comments. You got this!0
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