Looking for motivation

I have a long history when it comes to weightloss and diets. I can remember being on a diet at age 10. Somethings worked better than others but the vicious cycle we all know too well eventually caught up to me. At 27 I was my highest weight of 240 (5'4). At this time while on vacation in Portugal my boyfriend proposed. I was so happy but even in that moment knowing i was on camera I was worrying about how I looked instead of focusing on the moment. After watching the video I was so ashamed. I never fully accepted how much weight I gained. In the 6 years since my mother passed I put on about 70 lbs and kept it on. I didn't even recognize myself.

I went dress shopping at a plus size boutique and got an amazing dress but I still wasn't happy. I settled for something because of my weight again. I felt like it was time to take control so I looked up a weightloss clinic in the hospital where I work.

The doctor agreed I needed help and put me on a very strict regiment of 3 protein shakes a day and one meal of protein (300 cal) and 2 cups of veggies. While doing this I lost 50 lbs. I felt so much better. Everyone in my life was telling me how great I looked. And this is where it gets crazy. Instead of taking their compliments as motivation it was almost like a spark in my head telling me to eat. And i cannot explain it. But in the week after getting told by my neighbor who I've never spoken to that I lost so much weight I cheated on my diet almost every day. Why?!?!?! I have no answer to that. And now I can feel myself losing control and I want to stop it before I'm back in the 200's and the depression sets back in the way I know this cycle goes.

I'm currently 192 ( up 2 lbs). My end goal is btwn 150-135. The wedding is in Nov 2017. Although I am planning to maintain this for life that is def my biggest motivator at the moment.

I'm writing this while sitting on my treadmill. Time to stand up and get it done. If anyone has any advice on how to battle my own mind I would love to hear it! Thank you guys for the support!!