The pain is real...

iCan1209
iCan1209 Posts: 2 Member
in Motivation and Support
I carry my weight well they say. I still keep up with my kids, barely. I still work, in agony. I like the person I see in the mirror, she's flawed but pretty amazing, I just can't stand the way she looks. I'm in pain every day. Breathing is getting difficult. My knees are already bad enough with a damaged acl and meniscus, and the discs in my back are already deteriorating at 28. My skin feels like it's being torn apart. I need to change so I can feel this pain less. I haven't had fast food in almost 5 months. I don't drink juice often or soda ever. Coffee 2 sugars tea unsweetened and lots of water. I have been gaining like crazy. I do however go days without eating or eating very little then binge on crap until I hurt blindly gorging myself on anything I can find. Not healthy, but not a choice, depression is a twisted beast. I'm reaching out for support, maybe to find people with similar stories or similar goals. I am 200 pounds overweight 40 of that from the last 2 particularly difficult months. I see my doctor in the morning and I'm nervous. Bloodwork. Judgement. Tears. Self loathing. I am 28 years old, I am a single mom of 2 kids. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, b.p.d... supposedly, self diagnosed b.e.d. because no one knows how severe it is, it's well hidden by shame. I am 6'1" and I weigh 380 pounds. I hate looking in the mirror. I am in more pain than I've ever been in in my life. I need to change. Please tell me I'm not alone. Please join me on this journey. Tips, hints, inspiration I want it all.

Replies

  • andyzee69
    andyzee69 Posts: 193 Member
    You are not alone. I also suffer with depression and have had trouble with weight loss. But I've taken steps to tackle both. I can't talk too much now as I'm about to go to work but add me as a friend if you wish and I'll get back to you later in more depth. It sounds like you are having a really bad time and i would like to support you where i can.
  • andyzee69
    andyzee69 Posts: 193 Member
    Right, more time now. Firstly, I think you need to speak with your doctor about all this, as you seem to have a lot to deal with all at once. I, like you, have a torn meniscus in my knee and it does hurt, even when I’m having physio to make it stronger but at least I’m having physio to help it. Does your doctor know about this? If not, add it to the list (same with your back pain). Skin problems? Hmmm, are you drinking enough water every day and staying properly hydrated? You can usually tell this by the colour of your pee. If it’s bright yellow, you’re dehydrated.
    Keeping away from fast food is a good thing, as is staying away from sugary drinks, but you haven’t mentioned if you do any exercise at all. What do you do for a job? Does it involve a lot of sitting? Can you perhaps go for a walk at lunchtime? Obviously, playing with your kids at a park will give you some exercise too.
    One thing I’ve always been told is that you need to eat in order to lose weight, otherwise anything you do eat just stays on as fat as your body goes into starvation mode.
    I too suffer with depression, but talking with my doctor and friends/family helps so well done for reaching out. You’ve made a good step there. Please don’t feel shame for your condition. There are a lot of people out there who live with it and don’t reach out to anyone, sometimes with terrible ramifications.
    So, remember you are NOT alone! I’m very happy to help you through your journey so please add me as a friend so you can be on my friends list and I’ll make sure to keep an eye on your progress.
    I hope your visit to the doctors goes OK.
  • Treece68
    Treece68 Posts: 780 Member
    The best advice I can give is go to the doctor and tell them everything. The first step is to admit the problem and to get help. It is hard you feel like you can handle it yourself but you can't. Add me as a friend if you like.
  • iCan1209
    iCan1209 Posts: 2 Member
    Doctor visit went well. Medication changes, referrals, bloodwork. There's only so much we can do but baby steps in the right direction I guess.
  • Treece68
    Treece68 Posts: 780 Member
    Yep! when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me I was googling thing like crazy and asking my doctor to do different tests. Be your own advocate!
  • CoachJen71
    CoachJen71 Posts: 1,200 Member
    I know what you are going through! *hugs*.

    It's ok to 1) seek professional help and 2) be kind and gentle with yourself, and give yourself permission to be human.

    I find that the more I restrict myself, the more I binge. Working with a small deficit and planning healthy menus with built-in treats is helpful for me. I fight through my pain to walk, but I will say pool workouts are a nice way to burn calories and get fitter with less pain.

    I hope you can find a good support system to help you make little changes here and there in your life that will add up to a healthier, happier you! *hugs*

    ____________________________________________

    Down 140lbs: My story.
  • melodydee66
    melodydee66 Posts: 115 Member
    Stay Strong. You've made the first step and have gone to see your doctor. It sounds like you have good support there and that is vital. Last year in March, I like you hit a bit of a breaking point and went to see my doctor at 268 lbs. I was devastated, depressed, recovering from two broken legs and just feeling defeated. Since then I have been on a very long journey. There have been ups and downs and much support from those around me. I've lost 85 lbs and now I'm at 183 lbs. I still have a ways to go, but things are looking so much better now. I'm in way less pain, I can actually do things like Yoga, Zumba and more. Before when I started, it was painful to even walk around the block.
    It WILL get better, you WILL get stronger. You WILL run around and play with your kids again. Feel free to add me as a friend if you like. My doctor told me to remember that it took a long time to get to where I was and I had to accept this was a journey and it would take a long time to get to where I want to be. Slow and steady wins this race!

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