I feel like a failure and can't forgive myself

xmarye · April 2017

Ok so I am now 8 months postpartum and feeling like a failure because despite many attempts I still haven't lost ANY weight. I'm thinking I need to chill out and just take it one day at a time, trying to find balance and learning moderation... and it all sounds simple and everything but I don't believe in myself and I know that I will keep letting myself down if I can't fix this. BUT. I. JUST. CANT. STOP. FEELING. LIKE. A. FAILURE. So over this...

How can I change my stupid mindset. I'm the best when it comes to self-help techniques, positivity and all that stuff but I just can't seem to forgive myself for my past mistakes and start moving forward.

I have many issues, the main one being my anxiety that developed after having my last-born... I feel trapped, I'm scared of everything and everyone. I think everyone is out there to get me and I keep doubting myself, I always think I am just one mistake away from screwing everything up. I feel like I have no control and things just happen to me while I watch. There is also some issues with my husband that I know affect me because they affect my self-worth/self-confidence. I often have lied to him in the past, over small things just to avoid conflict... and it's starting to weigh on me. It all started after he had a heart attack and lost his job and fell into a depression. I would try to minimize things or twist the reality, or just not talk about some things, just so that he wouldn't get mad at me over stupid stuff (stuff like saying I was stuck in traffic when really I just stayed longer at work, because I knew he didn't agree since I'm not paid overtime). He obviously eventually would find out and then he started lacking trust in me...

I've never been one to tell lies but he insulted me so much over this saying I was not raised properly and that I am a liar etc. I started feeling like a bad person, even though I know that I am good and I never would do anything to harm someone... I was in an abusive relationship for years before meeting him and I deal really bad with conflict, usually I just shut down. This is a reason why I think that if I felt comfortable talking to him I wouldn't feel the need to lie to him.

Any advice would be appreciated. I don't have many people around me to who I can open up freely since I am pretty isolated and just talking about it has also become a source of anxiety for me.

thickspo91 · April 2017

I suggest explaining to your husband why you've lied to him. I think if he is a understanding person overall he will see the bigger picture. I also suggest seeing a therapist that can help you work through the emotions you haven't dealt with. Also remember to be compassionate with yourself. You're only human and you're allowed to make mistakes. Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person. I am sure that you're a great wife and mom, you just need to remember that. Positive affirmations during your darker days will help you to fight those negative things that you tell yourself ❤

Puzzl3dunicorn · April 2017

It sounds like your fighting with post partum anxiety and depression. Have you talked to your doctor about any of these things at all?
I'm five months pp and have been dealing with these issues as well and for me eating healthy and exercising has helped combat feelings of self loathing and lack of confidence of my abilities in general.
I still have some bad days but slowly but surely I'm feeling more confident.

mjdegraw · April 2017

It really does sound like pp depression and anxiety. I'm a guy so I really can't comment on the why and why not. BUT, I have PTSD and trust me I know about anxiety and depression. I used to be a peer counselor at a hospital and I learned at the least your goal setting is very important. But make them attainable. Start small 1-2 lbs a week.
As for you and your husband, I can only say that after three marriages, honesty is always best. It seems that folks are more forgiving for a real screw up than a lie. Don't forget that when you lie to a loved one about a wrong doing you lie twice. Once to get out of what you did and the other through deception. My wife and I are 53 and 57 respectively. And WE talk about everything from soup to nuts nothing gets done around here without discussing it first. Little to no chance of ambiguity. Good luck to you, keep going forward and remember footprints in the sand. Two set than one set that God carrying you.

alaskandelight · April 2017

These other responses are spot on. You are not the sum of all your failure and an additional one (which will happen at some point in your day/life) will not undo all the wonderful things you have and will do with yourself! I understand the struggle of having a depressed significant other and how emotions feed off of each other. There's definitely times where it doesn't seem worth the fight and taking efforts to avoid it seems worth it. That doesn't mean that its a healthy way of dealing with conflict. In fact, I find that it seems to compound issues. Lately I've been writing down a "script" for a conversation that I feel needs to happen and then read or just handing him the letter. I can be pretty damn feisty and say things I regret. I also do the whole "play things over" in my head before and after a confrontation, adding even more stress. Seeing the words keep me on point, takes out the tone/volume (I'm loud and dramatic), clearly outlines my argument (which helps me better acknowledge, but not necessarily agree with his counter points), and I can't keep repeating myself (ending the argument). It allows him to process what's up with me, how he has impacted me, how I impact him and come up with a response that goes beyond "sorry" or "it's not my fault, its your fault" heat of the moment garbage. Going to a therapist is definitely a good idea, but if that isn't an option for you, you need to find a way to get these emotions OUT of you. Writing here or in other contexts, exercise, being outdoors, being creative or other healthy habits. Anxiety is one of the most horrible sensations. It does literally trap and isolate you. You're not alone in that! Try to take it one day at a time, one small victory at a time.

Katiebear_81 · April 2017

Hey, so I had really interesting PP anxiety. I couldn't drive over bridges. I was pretty convinced that I was going to drive off the edge and accidentally kill my babies. My city has a river right through it, so I didn't cross it unless my husband drove. It was weird. When he would drive, I would sit there and hold my breath and envision us all plunging to our watery graves, and the panic of trying to get babies out of an ice cold river, out of the car seats, prevent them from drowning,etc. It was crazy.

I'm sharing this with you because PP depression and anxiety comes in ALL forms. ALL forms, and most of them require some kind of treatment. I was able to pull through with talk-therapy and developing coping skills. Your mileage may vary... but it is SO worth looking into. I know that mental health can sometimes be costly, so check your benefits at work to see if they have a resiliency program that gives you a certain number of "free" sessions with a therapist, or whatever. Or bring it up next time you're with your (or your baby's) doctor.

Start by making sure you're well hydrated, you're eating nutritious food, and you're taking a small amount of time to be active each day. While I don't want to discourage an attempt at weight loss... if you're already feeling badly, put less pressure on yourself. Find things that allow you to have small wins.

Katiebear_81 · April 2017

Oh - anxiety is a lying liar who lies. All the time. So don't let your anxiety lie to you about your worth.

lorrpb · April 2017

I suggest some marriage counseling to rebuild your mutual trust.

HippySkoppy · April 2017

Your story really touched my heart and my memory.

I add my voice to others who have said get professional help. You aren't a failure in any shape or form doing so.

You must feel so very tired from these mental burdens and being so fresh out of pregnancy could definitely be post partum depression feeding into your insecurities. I suffered in silence for over 2 years and it was hell.

If you feel OK, show your Hubby your post, there is a sense of urgency there, as there are so many facets of life which are worrying you and crowding in...it must be exhausting trying to sift through it all, eventually you can't, alone.

Be safe and be as kind and forgiving of yourself as you can. Ease yourself out of your isolation, deliberately and progressively. Please talk to your Dr. as soon as you can and include your Husband too. He must being feeling very unsure, a heart attack and loss of work, is a huge thing especially someone so young. I agree with @lorrpb joint sessions with a therapist would be ideal.

All the best.

sarahsweightlossjourney · April 2017

My daughters is 13 months and ive also not lost the 20lbs extra but im tryinh everyday. Added u!

xmarye · April 2017

Thank you everyone. My husband is better now and was actually cleared to go back to work last December. We're slowly digging ourselves out of the mess this put us in. I ended up talking to him yesterday, not about everything, but about my anxiety. There was tension at first as he immediately took it as if he was doing something wrong when clearly he works so hard for our family and does more than his fair share of work, but after explaining that it just happens and it's no one's fault, and that I need to be able to talk to him about it without feeling judged otherwise I might just keep it all to myself, we kinda hit a breakthrough. He really is my biggest supporter.

Also, I totally agree that lying to avoid issues only compounds the problems... I really like the suggestion of rehearsing the discussion and writing down how I hope for it to go and give it to my husband might help.

For the rest, it's sure that everything isn't over just yet, but those are all great suggestions and I really appreciate the judgement-free compassion you all have expressed. Your kind words really help put things in perspective. I will keep trying to pull myself back and find ways to cope better, and I know I have to come clean with my husband. I'm just so afraid that he will be disappointed in me, and this adds to my feeling of not being good enough... But this could be the anxiety making it worst then it really is. Either way, it's time to stop looking into the future and the worst possible outcomes and just focus on taking one step after the other.

Also, I do freak out about the bridge nightmare just not as bad but I do imagine the same scenarios when thinking about it

amks3818 · April 2017

Take things one day at a time. I have a 8 month old and it get rough sometimes. You are worth everything in the world. Your family needs you but you need you. Seek help if it doesn't get better. You will get through this. Feel free to add me.

azulvioleta6 · April 2017

You need to see a professional and be evaluated for PPD as well as general anxiety and depression.

Talk to your general doctor or your GYN--both of those are good places to start.

What you are describing does not sound like the kind of thing that you can solve on your own with sheer willpower. Get the help that you need and deserve.

xmarye · April 2017

I don't understand why but the end of my last post is missing?

I was explaining how I lack trust with health professionals and can't wrap my head around opening up to a specialist. Here is different since no one really knows who I am. I don't know if my fear is rational or not, but I am too scared that I would be judged too harshly and my children could be taken away. Also, I know that the only treatments there are is medication (which I would personally never do) and therapy (which I know I probably couldn't afford and I've had therapy when I was younger and I didn't find it so helpful).

I think that other suggestions such as exercising, spending time outside, writing about my emotions and coming clean with my husband would prove to be much more efficient at improving my mood and general mental strength. I think that hormones most likely have something to do with my anxiety, but there is many ways to balance it out with nutrition, exercising and practicing relaxation techniques to cope with stress.

Today I did exercise and went outside and I wrote a letter to my husband explaining to him what I lied about and why I didn't feel like I could open up at the time. I'm just hoping that I can find the courage to show him when he comes home from work. *crossing fingers*

It doesn't solve everything but I can start chipping away at my problems and build confidence as I face them.

Thank you everyone, I can't even express how thankful I am for all the wonderful ideas, but most importantly for your understanding and support. It feels good to have been able to talk about it and have people that went through it acknowledge that I'm not crazy or inadequate and that it can happen to the best of us...

I have lived in fear far too long and it's about time that I take a leap of faith to change my situation.

CoachJen71 · April 2017

As an oldish married lady who also had trouble with confrontation and anxiety, I gently but highly recommend individual and couple's counseling if you can manage it. Untangling knots in the communication lines sometimes benefits from a neutral person being involved. You may find that the food issues will become easier as you work through these other underlying issues. I found that to be the case for me.

I also recommend a visit with your family doc for a hormone check, as the post-partum roller coaster is hard enough in a balanced body. *hugs*

____________________________________________

Down 140lbs: My story.

alaskandelight · April 2017

@xmarye You are a rock star!! Way to get rolling! Don't doubt that your heart is going to beating out of your chest as you awkwardly read or hand over that letter. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it. It sounds like you have an understanding spouse that loves and cares for you. If you would prefer for him to write back his response, you should let him know that. He's probably going to be weirded out by the change in communication style. I know my hubby was. You may have had bad experiences with professionals in the past, but remember that they are people and some people just suck....if you go the professional route, find someone that you can trust and doesn't give off the attitude that you found unhelpful in the past. Also know that your doctor's goal should be to help you, not hurt you and your family. Don't hesitate to interview people before they interview you for your money! hahahaha! ;-) (You can and should bring written questions for doctors anyways...) There's a huge stigma for medication...a "your on the crazy pills now" stigma. As someone that knows tons of friends and family members getting treatment for "mental" health conditions, finding the right diagnosis and treatment can be life changing. Maybe you won't need to go in this direction, but don't dismiss it as a potential solution if actively taking care of yourself isn't working. You DO deserve to live without fear!

MaggieGirl135 · April 2017

You are hurting. See a therapist; they can help. Really.

melaniedscott · April 2017

xmarye wrote: »

...I don't know if my fear is rational or not, but I am too scared that I would be judged too harshly and my children could be taken away. Also, I know that the only treatments there are is medication (which I would personally never do) and therapy (which I know I probably couldn't afford and I've had therapy when I was younger and I didn't find it so helpful).

I think that other suggestions such as exercising, spending time outside, writing about my emotions and coming clean with my husband would prove to be much more efficient at improving my mood and general mental strength. I think that hormones most likely have something to do with my anxiety, but there is many ways to balance it out with nutrition, exercising and practicing relaxation techniques to cope with stress.

...

I have lived in fear far too long and it's about time that I take a leap of faith to change my situation.

The only reason way your children could (emphasis on could, not would, because even then, it is less likely) be taken away is if you told the mental health professional something that indicated abuse or neglect was occurring. Just having ppd is not enough. You don't need to answer but ask yourself these questions: Are your children adequately clothed and fed? Do they get proper medical care? Are they safe from harm (I don't mean random kid-accidents...those happen. I mean not getting beaten, sexually molested, ridiculed, etc)? Do they have proper supervision? If the answers are yes, you're pretty safe.

Now on the comments about therapy...different therapists do different types of therapy. Do some research on what is available. Talk therapy doesn't work for everyone...but there are other types. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is good...all about how what you think and how your thoughts affect your feelings and what beliefs drive them impact actions and how to reframe. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is supposed to be good; has some similarity to CBT. Both encourage a lot of practice outside of treatment. And...there are more options...

You might have to try a couple different ones. I lost my grandmother and my sister in less than a month two years ago and I had some trouble...I got some recommendations from my doctor and then evaluated them. I wanted someone who couldn't prescribe medication, so I opted for a clinical social worker, which took a bunch of the recommendations off the list. One of them was someone I'd worked with, so he was off the list. I'm not a big fan of what I call "god talk" as I don't love people trying to tell me how I should worship or what I should believe, so faith based counselors were out. Ask around, you might know someone who has recommendation. Think about what you like and don't. The one I picked worked out. Does your job have any kind of employee wellness program? If so, it might cover a few sessions (mine will cover 8 sessions, which is substantial).

It's not too late...and living in fear sucks. Take that leap. Even if you land badly, you'll be somewhere else.

lawyerlisa · April 2017

Try taking salmon oil and flax oil. I'm a mom of four under five and work four days a week as a lawyer. When I take my salmon oil I handle what life throws at me. When I don't.... my husband lost his job when I was pregnant with our fourth. He's back working but I don't feel confident with that job security so I keep a crazy unforgiving pace of work and kids and I've been at all kinds of stages of body mind recovery pp. Turns out exercise is a gift you can give yourself. I felt selfish carving out 30 minutes a day. Now I think of it as a basic right that helps me cope. Think of helping yourself as helping your family. And the omega 3 in salmon oil and flax oil is critical pp. I had a friend call me so depressed angry anxious. I asked her to try salmon oil and flax oil. She took 3 flax oil at breakfast 2 salmon oil with lunch and 1 each at super. A week later she called and thanked me. She went from close to suicide to very good happy!. Her problems didn't go away but how she coped did. I don't know. But it's nice to reach out here and find positivity. Good luck

xmarye · April 2017

Well I won't rule out completely therapy but I will try other options first and if all else fails it could be an option too. It's not that I didn't like my therapist, it's just that I didn't find it particularly helpful. I know my kids aren't neglected but I just always feel like I could be better to them. I think a lot of the social media kinda sets ''perfect families'' standards and makes me feel inadequate, even though there is no real reasoning behind it. A little like looking at pictures of models and feeling like we don't compare physically. Like I said, it is a possibility but not my first option.

So yesterday I came clean with my husband and it felt really good! The conversation ended in about 2 minutes and he told be I should stop building up anxiety over little things and that it was no big deal. I think that he saw the distress I was in and that was his way of being understanding. I think he also was happy I decided to be honest with him.

I still had a breakdown later that night after listening to a voicemail my mother left me, I thought something was deeply wrong with her by the tone of her voice and as I called back she didn't answer so I started imagining the worst scenarios, I started feeling my throat close up on me and breathing was difficult and tears were running down my cheeks uncontrollably. My husband stayed by my side and talked to me until I got calm and he helped distract me by engaging me into a conversation in which he brought me to realize that how irrational my fears were. I ended up talking to my mother and everything was fine she said, she was only really tired from a bad day at work.

Before going to bed I read my emails and apparently I would have done a mistake at work... I started stressing over it and it kept me from falling asleep for hours even though I was really tired.

Before falling asleep, I got mad at myself for worrying so much. I decided that everyone makes mistake, and it's probably no big deal, and IF I did lose my job over it, it just wasn't a good fit and it was a sign that it wasn't meant to be and I would find something else.

This is the kind of mentality I used to have. I would live in the now and whatever happened and no matter how bad things were, I would always say that what is meant to be will be and that everything will always find its way.

This is the kind of person I need to be again. I have to stop making up scenarios and worrying and just TRUST IN LIFE AND IN MY ABILITIES. I have to rebuild my self-confidence and know my worth. I think I still am that strong woman inside, I just might be tired and therefore the slightest bump in the road turns into a mountain. It's a sign that I have to work on myself and take the time to get better so I can find myself again.

The oil supplement does sound like a great idea. I will definitely look into it! Thanks again everyone... I think that this might have been sort of a cry for help and a way to put all of my feelings out there once and for all so that I can put it behind me and move on.

I am a fighter and I will keep on fighting, and I will make sure not to let myself get into my head too much. Stop focusing on the things I don't have control over, take control of the things I do have control, and stop worrying and start trusting into God's plan for me again.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day oxoxoxo And I'm sorry (but grateful) for those I worried. XD

WorshipHK · April 2017

Anxiety is an evil monster. I'm sorry you're experiencing it at all.

I would definitely start by explaining to your husband why you made the small lies and just be brutally honest about it. If there's something that he's doing that's causing you to lie to avoid conflict, he needs to know so he has an opportunity to help and work on the problem WITH you.

Weight loss is super hard because it's all a mindset that leads to creating better habits.
When you fall off the wagon, don't beat yourself up. Look at the mistake that was made, ask yourself what caused it, and IMMEDIATELY get back on track. Don't waste the rest of your day eating like crap just because you slipped and had a cookie. You'll just set yourself back even further.

You can do it!!

I feel like a failure and can't forgive myself

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