not weight loss related.... in need of an ear.....

ninasparx · July 2011

hey all. i'm new here. I just recently started this journey for myself. And i'm loving every bit of it. I've set some goals for myself and i'm really excited to reach them. This problem that i am having is COMPLETELY not related to any of that though.

I've known my husband for over 8 years now. We were engaged in 2007 and married in July of 2010. We, in the meantime, had 3 babies. One in oct 09 and twins in aug 10. Our relationship is solid. We are best friends and i love him with all my heart. My issue is his family. His mother and I got along before we were a couple. We would have a few drinks together, hang out and BS, just got along really well. This was when i was 24. I was most definitely the party girl. Went out all the time, my husband and i would do karaoke, and open mic nights, and we just had a great time all the time. I would occasionally hang out with his mom and we were good friends. Now here we are 8 years, and 3 kids later, neither my husband nor i drink anymore, and i am at my wits end. She was someone who i trusted. My own mother is very judgmental and negative, and his mom was neither of those things. I felt like i could be myself around her. And unfortunately as time went on me being myself meant speaking my mind when i was upset or pissed off and that his mother and sisters didnt like so much. Unfortunately for me, that all happened when i was pregnant with our first child. Because everything i said or did was because i was hormonal and emotional. so nothing i said was taken seriously and i was just being a b@#@h, But i DID speak up when they were coming in my house and packing my stuff *we were in the process of buying a house* and not asking me where i wanted things. Or better yet, coming in to unpack my house while i was in the hospital having the baby, after asking where we DID want things, and putting them where they wanted anyways. and i was the bad guy..... even though When i got home from a 2 hour drive, after having a c-section, ALL of our baby stuff (bottles, nipples, etc) was on the HIGHEST shelf in our kitchen cabinet, where i would HAVE to climb on a chair to get them!!!! I'm not going to go into specifics cause i would be here ALL day. One thing is i feel like my mother in law and sister in laws feel like they have the right to walk into MY house and take over. They think they can clean my house, or that i NEED them to, they can order my oldest son around and make him feel like crap about himself. They can come in here and not even say hi, just take a baby out of whatever we have them doing because they think they know better. We HAVE to do things a certain way because we dont have 4 people constantly to help with them. its just me and husband and thats the way we like it....so when the babies go for visits, they are held 24/7, they pick them up EVERY time they even wimper, and the 2 of us have to break that habit after they come home because we have a 21 month old and 2 11 month olds that we have to hold ALL of the time and we just can't physically do that. We try telling them how we do things and they blatantly dont listen and do what they want. They just assume they can come over whenever they want to....well the sisters do, while his mother doesnt seem like she wants anything to do with me at all unless the kids are involved. She is constantly complaining that we dont have the relationship we used to, but then when i ask her to do something with ME, like shopping or whatnot, she says no or pushes me off on his sister instead. i feel like i have apologized for everything i've ever said even though i know i was right in some of the things i have said and done. Even when his mother called me drunk and told me i need to clean my house and leave our babies at her house for a long period of time to clean my house.... and that my oldest son isn't loved enough by me and that she wanted to throw his 13th birthday party for him and invite his dad *who is always welcome in HER house*, to make sure he KNOWS that at least his GRANDMOTHER loves him! I was in tears. And she never apologized to me for any of it. I'm just expected to let it go. All that coming from the "grandmother" who didnt even come to her granddaughters FIRST birthday because her sister was about to become a grandmother for the first time and she went to tennessee for a month to help HER be a GRANDMOTHER! we didnt even get a phone call on lucy's birthday from grandma. It just sucks because i really dont feel welcome. I dont feel a part of their family. I'm just a baby maker. I mean nothing to them but giving them babies to fuss over, and argue over. Yeah they argue over the fact that my sister got to hold our little boy longer then his sister! it is ridiculous and my heart hurts. my husband has talked to them, i have talked to them, and it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm just tired of being the ***** ALL the time!!!! i can't speak my mind about anything, EVER without being the bad guy. and now i have rambled on and i have lost you. I am just so lost on what to do and how to be without it putting up a wall between me and my husband. He is everything to me, and i will not let his family ruin that. i just dont understand how it got this bad. anyone have ANY advice at all??? if you managed to read this whole thing that is lol sorry...

sharidiane · July 2011

Ok, you lost me on a little bit of that, but I think I kind of got the jist of it. You may not like my advice, and not everyone will agree, but here it is.

Be a good wife and mother. Part of being a good wife is shutting up when your mother in law is being a pill. Water off a duck's back. DO NOT let it affect your marriage. It should simply go in one ear, and out the other. Your daughter DID NOT SUFFER because her grandmother didn't make it to her first birthday. She didn't, and don't leave another post explaining me that she did. She may not be the perfect mother, or the perfect grandmother, but who of us wants to be held to that standard? Not I.

DO NOT allow your mother in law's choices, however assinine, affect your marriage. Ultimately, she wins that way. You have no choice in this situation other than to simply let it go. If it is something eggregious, your husband must handle it. Period.

Good luck, I know first hand how hard this can be, but you must never, ever, ever let if affect your marriage. Ever.

mgmlap · July 2011

First off..Deep Breathes. Its hard sometimes when relationships change..but at the end of the day..its your house and your children. You need to think of your kids and your husband..not the in-laws. If they dont like it....they dont have to be in your life. Its a hard stand to make..but it sounds as if you have done everything else to appease them.

I personally hate it when the in-laws think that they "own" you..I had that issue with my ex's family..They would come and go..belittle me..you have to stand up to them..if not for yourself..but for your children..

Hope it gets better..soon...

samickgirl · July 2011

WOW! Intense! Seems you have poured yourself out quite eloquently in this letter. Would they sit long enought to read it? In your presence? Or you read it to them. Looks like some sort of family counselling is in order, not for you and hubby but for the family as a whole. If you are a praying woman, do that, pray that they see the error of their ways if nothing else. In the mean time, love your own family and build them up. God luck, keep us poste if you are able!

MsRoxyPepper · July 2011

sounds like you have a lot going on. I don't have much in the way of advise. but just know that extended families are always hard to blend, you are not alone. my husband grew up in foster care so I have 2 sets of inlaws and things get crazy on both sides.

no matter what you have to focus on whats best in your house. keep things right with your husband and your children. that is the most important part. the rest doestn't matter.

Best wishes and good luck to you.

dad106 · July 2011

I read all of it.. and that is the most awful thing I have ever read. No one deserves to be treated that way.. and neither do your children.

While this may be painful, I'd honestly try to have one more chat with grandma and sis, and if it doesn't change then cut all ties. Why do you need negative, drama causing people in your life? All they are doing is bringing you, your husband and your children down, which isn't good for anyone. If grandma and sis ask why you're suddenly freezing them out, just say it's because you are tired of them not listening to you and you're tired of being treated like crap by them. It may take a dose of tough love for them to realize that you do know what your doing, and that you can do it without them.

Chin up darling... you can do this! If you want a new MFP friend, please feel free to add me.
My family doesn't really get a long either and I'm the more outspoken one in my family too, so I get exactly how you feel!

muth3rluvx2 · July 2011

I'll try to keep this short and I'll apologize now for being blunt (it's been a rough day on my end) - but all will be said with best intentions.

1) divorce yourself from any attachment to the actions of the in-laws. in otherwords, pick your battles and don't sweat the small s**t. won't do anything other than make you miserable (as it clearly is already)
2) set ground rules about when they can and can't come over and stick by them. if they show up at a time when you're not receiving company, tell them so. set the boundaries and stick to them.
3) the MIL is just pissed she doesn't have you to boost her ego anymore. tell her to go find a playdate her own age and leave you alone.
4) if she's being emotionally, verbally or psychologically abusive to *any* of your children, let her know if it continues, she will not have the open access she does now to enjoy them. there are legal ramifications for this.
5) most importantly, talk to your husband. ensure to encourage HIM to visit the in-laws and take the kids if he wants to (so long as they've been reasonable to the kids); do not be the breaker of his ties to his family - but you don't have to participate in the nastiness.

My unofficial in laws can't stand me... mostly, I just do what I can to avoid them but I strongly encourage my bf to do family stuff with his parents. If he gets alienated from them, it will be between them - nothing to do with me aside from any encouragement I give him to set his own boundaries and keep them. Believe me, they aren't liking that too well either. **Shrugs**

hope this helps and good luck.

balowry1 · July 2011

Sorry to "read" about what you're going through. My mother in law is like that too. Right after I had my son, she came to visit from the west coast to the east coast just to see my son. She was here for four weeks, I think. She always held the baby, wanted to feed the baby, everything with the baby. One day when my son was crying so much, she made my husband take her and the baby to the ER. Nothing was wrong with him, he was just fussy, but she wouldn't listen to me. They spent about 8 hrs in the ER for nothing, because she thought she knew my son better than I did. I keep trying to tell my husband to tell her that I'm the "mother" and she is the " grandmother". I'm the one who gave birth to him. My husband is a "mama's boy". He won't say anything to his mother. He calls her almost every single day to tell her whats going on with our son. And what surgeries he's going through or about to have. She tells him her opinions and he listens to her. (this is my husband's first child that he's lived with from birth). I have 3 other kids from previous relationships so I'd like to think I know a little bit about taking care of newborns. After they talk, he comes back to me and tells me hes going to do things the way his mother said, because he thinks she's right. He'll discuss things with me, but in the end it really doesn't matter what I say. He also tells me that since I'm a sahm, I should do everything within the home. He works all day bringing home the money. He tells me that he should be able to have his own time when he comes home and shouldn't have to deal with the baby. He doesn't think he should have to feed, bathe, change diapers, or anything with the baby. He thinks that is a woman's job. I keep trying to remind him that before I met him I was a single working mom of 3 special needs kids. My other three live with their father and other family members. My son, 17 months old, was horn with a lot of issues, so he goes to the hospital at least once a day for therapy or appointments. I basically do all that, but when I let him know what's going on, he calls his mom to discuss things. I keep trying to tell him that I'm his wife, and the mother of his child. His mom already raised two kids, now it's my turn to raise my child. My husband and I have had our issues about this ongoing problem, but he's getting used to the idea that I'm the boss when it comes to our son, and that his mom is not the boss. Well, that's it in a nutshell. I could go on with other issues, but that would take forever.

Since your mother in law and sisters in law wont listen to you or your husband, you should tell them they are not allowed to come over. Have you and your husband make house rules, write them down, post them on a wall, and tell your in laws that if they can't follow the rules in your house, then they will not be invited over. That's if your husband agrees with you. And lock the doors. I've been seeing a therapist, and she told me that I needed to be firm and let my mother in law know that I'm the boss when it comes to my family. Unless my child is in serious danger, she needs to follow the rules in my home, or she will not be let in. I know what's best for my child. That's what you and your husband need to tell them. You are the parents and they need to listen to you and your husband when it comes to your kids. Have you ever seen Super Nanny,or Nanny 911? They say the same thing. I even took a couple parenting classes. You need to be firm and stick to your beliefs. Don't let them push you around. Well, I could say more, but I won't.

Good luck. I know how you're feeling. Keep your head up and stay positive and firm.

auroreia · July 2011

I agree with sharidiane... first off, do not let this affect your marriage! You two are a team and your family is your
unit. I also agree that while the grandma missing the !st bday isn't the nicest, it's not emotionally scarring stuff for your kid; she's got you and her daddy, and that is enough

It DOES sound as though you are building up pressure like a geyser though, and my concern would be that that stress and pressure needs to be addressed...

Perhaps you and your husband need to sit down with each other and discuss what expectations and needs you two have from each other and from extended family. My suggestion is keep it general; don't get bogged down in the details of what has happened or specific personal insults. Use statements like; "I expect that we are a partnership and function as such.","I expect family to respect each other", "I need family to respect personal spaces." etc. Then go specific; how can you attain these these larger things? Asking them to call first? Asking them to knock? Hammer it out together first so you can approach this as a team! Because when it all comes down to it, until you two know where you are each coming from and what you expect and need as individuals and as a team then you can't begin to approach bigger problems.

And maybe doing that with your husband will be enough.. I know that when I have a good talk it out with my partner we find that accepting each others families (or whatever plm) becomes easier because we feel united. I don't mean a negative feeling of "us against them!" but more of a, "I know you've got my back." Perhaps that will make it easier for you to shake off your extended family...

But maybe you'll figure out that you both feel so strongly that you need to talk to his fam... I'd say again, you are a team, so present a unified front! WE need you to respect our house, call before you come over, knock before entering, respect our parenting styles, our... etc. If not, what are the consequences? Figure out before hand, what would the acceptable consequences/alternative be to you and your husband? Limiting their time with you and your family? Cutting them out completely? Does he need to be the one communication routes through? (though that puts a LOT of pressure on him...) Then make it clear... we are having this ____ problem, this ____ is how we propose to solve it... at this time if you're not willing to discuss it, meet us halfway on this or make an effort, we see this ____ is the alternative/consequence. And follow through with your consequence/alternative! People will never change or even assess their behavior if you say you are going to do something, then never follow through. You are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of if you don't... so make sure that your alternatives are ones you BOTH are willing to support and follow through with! This isn't about bluffing or threatening. Open a neutral dialogue. Don't harp on specific past events, focus on the future ones... Of course, I don't know the players, that might not be possible... it might devolve into a screaming blame match. So make sure your kids are at a friends house LOL And at that point, take the high road and excuse yourselves, because the conversation is no longer a productive one.

But seriously, in order to get our needs met, we must make them clear... both to ourselves and to others. And of course, it is easier to say that than to do it. It requires work, self analysis, discussion and compromise.

It sounds as though you have a wonderful marriage, a wonderful husband, and wonderful kids. I'm sorry that the nature of your relationship with your in-laws has changed; you might just need to accept that and move past it. And keep in mind that we don't choose our families, we are dealt them like a hand of cards. You cannot control their lives, their reactions, their expectations or their needs. You can let them know how their lives, their reactions, their expectations and their needs affect you; hopefully they are able to be open minded and talk about it... and perhaps they won't. But always remember, you CAN control your own life, reactions, expectations and needs. So start there.

Good Luck!

ninasparx · July 2011

well i just wanted to say thanks for those who read and responded. And let me start with saying, i never thought that my little girl suffered from not having grandma at her first birthday party. I personally was upset. My husband was upset. I originally moved here to be closer to his mother so she could be a part of the kids lives, and she is vacant most of the time. when the kids are over there its his sisters taking care of them. And in my heart of hearts i know that i just need to suck it up and the wife and mother i should be and let it go. And trust me i have let A LOT go. its just so hard when i get to that point where i let it go. I reach out my hand and try to do things with his mom or whatever and i'm pushed away. its so hard that after i just let go, they do something else that just isn't right. And i feel at this point, by "letting go" i'm letting them walk all over me. And also let me say that i have talked my husband and he knows exactly how i feel and HE has talked to his mother about her drunken comments and how they make me feel and she apologized to him, never me. I know i should have talked to them, but they are the kind of people that twist everything around to "becky is being a *****" and i just can't deal with it anymore. but i completely understand what all of you were saying and i WILL NOT let them come between me and my husband. I just wish i could speak my mind with them and not pay a price. im not this horrible person they love to make me out to be. and it makes me really friggin sad.

not weight loss related.... in need of an ear.....

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