Weight restored from anorexia but still need so many calories to feel well.

I was diagnosed with anorexia last October, initially I was in denial about the serious state of my health but by December my BMI was a grim 15.8, I was so unwell and told that if I did not accept help I would be dead in 6 months.

I did accept help and it was like a light switched on in my head that I was determined not to let it kill me, I live in the UK, I could not afford private health care so it was all done via the NHS, they wanted me to go in as a day patient but because I was so commited to working with them it was eventually agreed that I would be treated in outpatient, they would work to get me weight restored and then follow it up with therapy, I am still waiting for the therapy due to long waiting lists but I am completely restored now.

I have even overshot my pre anorexic weight by about 7-8 pounds and although I don't like it I do accept that it is healthy and that I should not be looking to lose weight at this point in my life, my BMI is 20.5, I can just about accept that.

So here is my problem, I was given a meal plan of 1600 calories to recover on, it was never really enough and I started to binge, my treatment team ignored my concerns, I had gained less than 3 pounds on the 1600 over a 2 month period of time but was never told to increase it and then hunger hit and it hit very hard, of course I did then gain weight but I never felt it was a healthy way of doing it.

It might be a good time to explain that the NHS is horribly underfunded and as soon as you hit a healthy BMI the support does tend to fade away, at BMI 19 I was discharged from the dieticians and nurses and told to carry on trying to stick to 1600 calories and wait for the psychotherapy, they said to go to 1800 if I needed to but I don't even feel well on that.

I try extremely hard to stick with 1600-1800 but I always feel really hungry, extremely weak and frequently on the verge of fainting, so when that happens I panic and eat until I feel better which is often 3000-4000 calories per day and then I feel disgusting and restrict for a couple of days, go back to 1600-1800, still feel dreadful and so it goes on like a constant cycle.

I was really pleased that I had stuck to 1800 for a few days despite feeling unwell but today I had breakfast at 8am, went out and by 10.30am I was feeling dizzy, lightheaded and on the verge of fainting so there I am sat in the middle of a huge shopping centre crying and wondering what on earth I am doing wrong here.

I have eaten about 4000 calories today,maybe more and it honestly took that much to stop feeling so unwell.

Of course I am really worried that I will gain too much weight with all of this going on and I am trying to find some balance, I will say that in the past 3 weeks despite eating at the 3-4k calorie range I have started to maintain rather than gain but eventually I fear it will catch up with me and I am scared that if I gain too much I will slip back into my restrictive behaviour and relapse, I probably only maintained because I had 2 days of restricting each week because it was scaring me that I had been eating so much overall.

I just do not understand why I need to eat so much to feel okay, I eat good foods, plenty of protein, complex carbs and calcium but I still feel weak and awful unless I am putting away at least 3k daily.

I am only 5 ft 1, I am 108 pounds, 40 years old, I am at most lightly active because I have zero energy most of the time and I would expect my needs to be far lower than 3000 for a woman of that size and activity level.

My body is a complete mess too, I have a lot of tummy fat which I know is common after restoring weight but I have visible ribs and a collar bone that is way too prominent, if you looked at my stomach you would think 'healthy but needs a good tone up and maybe lose a few pounds' but if you looked at my upper body you would think I was pretty emaciated.

I am just absolutely lost, gaining weight with anorexia is hard enough but now I am at that healthy weight I just want to concentrate on accepting myself, feeling healthy and maintaining it, I cannot carry on with the days of non stop eating but I can't cope with how I feel physically when I try to get some balance and eat my meal plan allowance, surely I should not feel like passing out if I am eating 1800?

Has anyone else restored and found that they need a very high intake to feel well?

Am I missing something here? I don't understand it and because my BMI is healthy I am not eligable for anymore help from the treatment team, being discharged means you are on your own and this 1600-1800 range they gave me is really not cutting it with my body for some reason.