Feeling guilty...

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MColette
MColette Posts: 62
in Fitness and Exercise
Hello guys!


I'm the mom of 3 beautiful baby girls, my pride and joy.
My youngest is 3 months old and I'm on a quest to get in shape for good, finally. I've been following a healthy diet as much as I can, but I really, really need to start working out more to improve my results.

My problem is, ofcourse, to find the time to do it. So I asked my husband if after work he would let me go to the gym one hour 3 to 4 times a week. which he agreed to. But now, he makes me feel guilty each time I want to go again.

He says, he is tired and he doesn't want to be left alone with the girls, cause they are a handful, (Mind you, that's what I do all day, I should know)
When I come back, even when he says he is fine, I know he is upset, he acts wierd towards me, like the fact that I have this hour for myself bothers him somehow.

I love being a mom, but I'm not just a mom! I want to have a time to refresh, other wise I feel like going nuts. It's nice to have an your own identity besides being someone's mom, from time to time. but he is not very supporting,
any advice?
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Replies

  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
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    stop the guilt trip - you are entitled to some down time
    put a rubberband on your wrist & when you catch yourself feeling guilty for going to the gym - SNAP IT HARD! and say STOP THAT!

    soon it will stop or you will have a sore wrist
  • janiecorona
    janiecorona Posts: 248
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    I understand him being tired but he should really be motivating you to better yourself, not trying to make you feel bad. If it is causing a strain in your relationship, however, is there a way you can go to the gym after the girls fall asleep? It's what I do when my baby falls asleep, since I can't afford the gym and I'm a single mother, it's my only choice. (I have to work out at home). Maybe you should talk to him about your feelings and how he's making you feel. I hope the situation improves for you. (:
  • CaptainAmerica1970
    CaptainAmerica1970 Posts: 435
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    Just do it! Go! My Wife does...I used to do the same to my wife...its him...he will get over it...he said it...so hold him to it...deep down he loves you and wants you to go.
  • SarahofTwins
    SarahofTwins Posts: 1,169 Member
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    Hi :) I understand how busy it can be with 3 little ones...I have twin babies and a 2yr old myself. Unfortunately I can't go to the gym because I'm tied down at home. I was lucky enough to still have my old treadmill I bought before and use that. Have you tried working out at home with dvd's, videos online, workout equipment, or even taking the kids for a walk in the mornings or evenings? I know that those are some good ideas I've used from others to help me get to where I'm at today. Just remember not to give up when you seem like it gets hard with all the kiddos. You can do this and keep strong! :flowerforyou:
  • dasskinny
    dasskinny Posts: 56
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    Im sorry but your hubby sucks! Get a new one!
  • KnottyJen
    KnottyJen Posts: 1,070 Member
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    I don't have any kids yet, but even still, my husband sometimes gives me a hard time about going to the gym/pool. He feels put out because I'm taking care of me first. God forbid he has to get his own glass of ice....:tongue:

    Don't feel guilty. He will get over it. And you will feel better for a. getting some ME time and b. doing what you know you need to do.
  • tiffanyvc
    tiffanyvc Posts: 99
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    My husband acted that way for a little while. He admitted later that he felt it was a waste of time and money, because he didn't think I would be successful. Now, after about six months of going to the gym, he has quit making me feel guilty because he sees that I am going on a regular basis and I'm getting results. I agree with everything everyone has said - talk to him and keep going. You NEEEEED that for yourself!!!
  • thefreemans28
    thefreemans28 Posts: 267 Member
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    I understand the feeling. Since I work all day, my time when I get home from work is my time with my son. So, I wait to workout until after he is in bed for the night, or before he wakes up in the morning. That way, I can still spend my time with him and hubby at the same time in the evenings. then, once he goes to bed I go for a run. Sure, it's sacrificing 30 minutes or so of time with my husband, but he understands and appreciates my goals and wants to support me in them. he knows it won't last forever, that eventually it'll just be a few nights a week probably, so he is fine with it.

    I think the best thing you could do for you and your husband both is to sit down with him and show him your goals. Maybe if he can see a visual (like make a model of your goal weight on mvm.com or something) and let him know that what he is doing for 1 hour in the evenings is what you are doing ALL day! And not that you don't enjoy it, but that everyone needs some time to themselves, and this is what you need to be healthy for him and your girls. Surely, he will support that.
  • Dabbles
    Dabbles Posts: 367
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    Friend me. I use to be in the same boat, and in a way still am. I have to fight for my time to go run which usually ends up my mom watching my kids. (we walk to her house, she's just around corner) My husband is a way a lot now but he use to pitch a fit when it came to watching the kids. He just didn't have the patience for it. Still doesn't, but he's getting better and trying now. Maybe help him figure out something fun to do while you're gone? Get the kids started on a game, coloring, a puzzle? He might be lost as to what to do when you're not there. Good luck on your journey! You can do this!! Figure out a way to do something at home and incorporate your kids too! That way they can see mama getting healthy! :)
  • fridayjustleft04
    fridayjustleft04 Posts: 851 Member
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    He's your husband, so I'm just assuming they're his kids, too, which means he kind of has an obligation to take care of them. It's unfair (in my non-married, no kids, 24 year old point of view) to never let you have even one hour to yourself. You need to get out and do something for YOU. He gets to leave all day, why can't you leave for one hour? Just do it..he'll learn to deal pretty quickly. Just pose it to him as spending quality time with his kids. It's important for little girls to have a dad in their life. The more time he puts in now, the better off they'll be when they're older. Leave him with that thought and run out the door while he's pondering over it.
  • sherrillg
    sherrillg Posts: 322 Member
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    See if you can find another mom that would be willing to trade off babysitting with you so you can both go to the gym (or errands) during the day. When my kids were little we had a local babysitting coop and it was the greatest thing since sliced bread! Seriously!!!
  • kdiamond
    kdiamond Posts: 3,329 Member
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    Us women always put the weight of the world on ourselves. Trust me, if the situation was reversed, he would go and not feel guilty about it, so you should do the same. We can't make everyone happy!! But you will be a happier and healthier person if you put yourself first at least one hour a day!
  • suzi67
    suzi67 Posts: 162 Member
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    He may also be feeling a little worried that with any changes you make that you might not want to be with him anymore. Common with partners of those doing the lifestyle changes. Maybe a talk about how you still need him and that you are doing this for your family, not to leave him. Sometimes just addressing the insecurity can help. But I do think you should continue going to the gym, even if it is to get out of the house, you need it more than you know.
  • YvetteSmith69
    YvetteSmith69 Posts: 28
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    You should not feel the least bit guilty. You do need some time away and what you are doing when you are away is not only good for you physically but mentally too. He will get over it and when he sees the results in both your body and mind he will be glad he found a way to deal with it. My husband used to pull the same bs with me when our girls were little. TOO BAD! If you don't get some "me time" you will go nuts and that will put a strain on the relationship. It's only an hour a few times a week.
  • ironband
    ironband Posts: 157 Member
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    I would say the two of you need to communicate about this. He needs to know how important this is to you. Maybe ask him if there is something you can do to reciprocate? It's gotta be give and take, and laying guilt trips is really not good for the marriage. Call him on it! And yes, the kids are a handful, but those girls need daddy time too - it is so important for their development and self image. Based on what you are saying (and I've only got your side of the story), he needs to "man up."

    As an aside, once you start seeing results from the gym, he may become more supportive :)

    Praying for you,

    Andre
  • Fochizzy
    Fochizzy Posts: 505 Member
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    My fiance and I have similar conversations. Mine has to do with the fact that he works nights so if I go to the gym after work I don't see much of him. But the end point is that he and I need to see this as necessary. It is hard to work and then spend time with the kids, but he should spend time with his children anyway. Sounds like a conversation needs to be had.
  • nlfrancis
    nlfrancis Posts: 35
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    You really do need that time and don't let him guilt you into staying home to take care of the kids, house, him because he has had a long day. being a stay at home mom is very stressful and you need to release that stress and take a break - in the working world we call it a mental health day. Does your gym have an onsite daycare? Do you have a local Y nearby? When my kids were little I would take them to the Y and let them play and burn off some of their energy while I was working out - as they got older I enrolled them in classes so they could have fun and workout also.

    Keep your chin up, and stick to your guns, he will come around - he also needs this time with his kids so they will always have those memories of daddy and them time. It's a small sacrifice now for them in the longrun.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    maybe you could let him get home and sit for an hour to relax and then do it? and the poster above me suggested a day care at your gym. i'm not sure if you have to pay for those, but if you do he may realize how dumb it is to pay for childcare when he's able to do so at home.
    and maybe you could tell him why you're doing this. after all, he will get a hotter wife!
  • Jenscan
    Jenscan Posts: 694 Member
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    I would say the two of you need to communicate about this. He needs to know how important this is to you. Maybe ask him if there is something you can do to reciprocate? It's gotta be give and take, and laying guilt trips is really not good for the marriage. Call him on it! And yes, the kids are a handful, but those girls need daddy time too - it is so important for their development and self image. Based on what you are saying (and I've only got your side of the story), he needs to "man up."

    As an aside, once you start seeing results from the gym, he may become more supportive :)

    Praying for you,

    Andre

    This but "man up" isn't necessarily the entire answer. If you just tell him, "I'm going, suck it up", you're not getting to the root of why he's acting like a 3 year old about this. There's a reason why he's pouting about it. If it really is just that he's tired, then you two can find ways to help him with that (maybe a few minutes to unwind before you go). It could be that he just feels out of his element with the girls by himself but that's something that would come with time. At any rate, you are an adult woman and you need a break. And he is an adult man and the two of you need to find ways to help you out.

    The net-net of this is don't let him make you feel guilty. No one can make us feel the way we do -- we are in charge of our own thoughts.
  • 27strange
    27strange Posts: 837 Member
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    I think this husband needs to be more supportive. I understand he probably worked all day and is tired and coming home to watch 3 girls for an hour right after work isn't the most fun, but hello - you signed up for this and its called being a parent. The wife deserves the 1 hour break (after all she had the kids all day) to go to the gym and better herself.

    Another option might be.... Find a gym that has a childcare room or childrens classes. That way she can go to the gym and take the girls and they both get some enrichment and time to themselves.

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