Can't Get Over This......

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mickeygirliegirl
mickeygirliegirl Posts: 302 Member
in Motivation and Support
A little background first..... My boyfriend has two children, a 7 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. When we first started dating, I weighed more than what I weigh now by about 10 lbs or so. In the course of our relationship, I put on around 25 lbs. So I decided to lose the weight. Right now I've lost all of the weight - the weight I put on, plus some. I weigh about what I did 10 years ago or so. Still have some more I'd like to lose, but I for sure weight the least in the time that I've known the kids and been with my boyfriend. My highest weight was 192. I now weigh 156. I'm 5'7". So I am in the "normal" range for BMI.

His ex is in extremely good shape. What you'd call a gym rat. Flat stomach, killer arms, the works. Me, I'm no gym rat. I still have a small gut. I have flabby thighs. I even have batwing arms. But I'm working on it. I try to run (with some walking in there right now because, like I said, no gym rat and no athlete here) a 5K four to five times a week and for sure walk it every day. I have started lifting weights to tone. Work in progress I am.

Anyway. What I cannot get over is a comment made by his daughter to me yesterday. She ran up to me gave me a hug, started patting my belly and said "you're fat" and ran away. And I all but started crying. If it was an adult, I would have said "well, you're stupid, at least I can lose the weight". But this is a child. I can't say that kind of thing to her. And I can't help but think that it must be true, I'm fat, because it came out of the mouth of a child. They don't sugarcoat or "save people's feelings". They say what's on their mind. Especially the age that she is.

Why can't I get over this? I'm tearing up right now even writing this because all I can think is that this is how she sees me, as dad's fat girlfriend.

Sorry if I am coming across shallow or what not for this. I just needed an area to get this out and I wasn't sure where else to turn.

Replies

  • Geocitiesuser
    Geocitiesuser Posts: 1,429 Member
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    Aren't kids great?

    Lol. Kids are ruthless, it has less to do with your SO's ex and more to do with kids have no verbal filter. A lot of friends have kids and most of them tear me down all the time. From my beard, to some random facial features, to the way I say something. It's just kids being kids. I learned to laugh it off and take it as affection and an invitation to heckle them right back!
  • bubaluboo
    bubaluboo Posts: 2,098 Member
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    My own daughter has said this to me and I've never been over a healthy BMI. It's just a kid who sees a wobbly bit of flesh and calls it fat. Nothing to worry about.
  • mickeygirliegirl
    mickeygirliegirl Posts: 302 Member
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    HeliumIsNoble wrote: »
    Kids may not sugarcoat things, but they don't have good judgement skills either.

    Things that kids get wrong:
    colour-matching- "Mum, doesn't my bright orange and pink painting look great!?" Me- :# "My EYES! I mean, er, that's WONDERFUL, darling"
    estimating time, "has it been an hour yet?" after three minutes...
    estimating size- watching a six-year-old try to shove oversized books onto a small shelf during tidy-up time is quite gripping,
    estimating age, ("you have wrinkles. You must be a HUNDRED!")


    and yes, identifying what makes someone "fat", so to speak.

    Also, I remember making some comments like that as a six year old. *cringes* It did NOT mean I saw the poor woman as "the fat one". To me, at six, it was purely one descriptor among many. If you'd asked me to describe her in three words, I would probably have said "the kind one", and "fat" was just like, "wears glasses" and "has short hair".

    You know, I never looked at it that way... Yes, they do have a tendency for the hyperbole.

  • mickeygirliegirl
    mickeygirliegirl Posts: 302 Member
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    Thanks everyone. I can see I am being a little overly sensitive to the situation and that kids are just being kids. I don't have any kids of my own, so this is all new to me.
  • mandyneedtolose
    mandyneedtolose Posts: 398 Member
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    Just remember its a child. Children are upfront honest. They say things without thinking. In today's society, if your are not a bean pole, super skinny your are considered fat in society's eyes, and unfortunately this gets taught to the children. So when they see someone that doesn't fit that mold we are fat ! You are beautiful doesn't matter what anyone says, be happy with you! You have one life to live, live it, learn from it and love it! Time is to short and precious to worry about what anyone says :) Children soak up what society teaches, society needs to teach that everyone comes in different shapes, sizes and colors! Don't take it to heart what the little person says, a little bit of fluff means you are perfectly normal :smile:
  • HeliumIsNoble
    HeliumIsNoble Posts: 1,213 Member
    edited May 2017
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    mandyneedtolose wrote: »
    Just remember its a child. Children are upfront honest. They say things without thinking. In today's society, if your are not a bean pole, super skinny your are considered fat in society's eyes, and unfortunately this gets taught to the children. So when they see someone that doesn't fit that mold we are fat ! You are beautiful doesn't matter what anyone says, be happy with you! You have one life to live, live it, learn from it and love it! Time is to short and precious to worry about what anyone says :) Children soak up what society teaches, society needs to teach that everyone comes in different shapes, sizes and colors! Don't take it to heart what the little person says, a little bit of fluff means you are perfectly normal :smile:
    Yep. No careful consideration of normal weight ranges in childland.

    In Childland, "wider than that pretty lady on the cover of mummy's magazine = fat". Said pretty lady was photoshopped, airbrushed and positioned facing the camera at a careful angle, but the child hasn't taken media studies yet!

  • LyssaJ1
    LyssaJ1 Posts: 240 Member
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    TeacupsAndToning wrote: »
    I'd be upset about it too. But based on your stats, you're not overweight so I'd try my best to brush it off.

    Just because a child said it doesn't make it true.

    It may have been something she heard before you started losing weight and she's just repeating it now, or maybe she thinks everyone who isn't her mom is fat, who knows. But I would, however, speak to your boyfriend about having a conversation with her about how her comment hurt your feelings. I think it's important that she knows that.

    This would be a good time for her father to teach kindness, and consideration. Six-year-olds can understand explanations of how to be kind *while being truthful*, as long as the grown-up puts it in terms they understand/examples of empathy.
  • mickeygirliegirl
    mickeygirliegirl Posts: 302 Member
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    I will make sure to address it with my boyfriend if it ever happens again. As of right now I'm just going to let it slide since it's been over a day from when she said it.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
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    mickeygirliegirl wrote: »
    I will make sure to address it with my boyfriend if it ever happens again. As of right now I'm just going to let it slide since it's been over a day from when she said it.

    I'd let it slide for now too, but if it starts to become a habit of her saying inappropriate things then I would say something.

    For me, it wouldn't be about her calling you fat. It would be about the fact she thinks it's okay to comment on anyone's appearance. She's young so I wouldn't expect her to know any better, but if no one teaches her she'll never know any better.
  • All_Exits_Lead_Within
    All_Exits_Lead_Within Posts: 47 Member
    edited May 2017
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    She ran up and gave you a hug - she loves you. To a 6 year old girl, no matter what size you are, you'll be bigger than her. The situation you described does not sound like a child who is judging you, just a child who is expressing her view. I'd also like to add that this guy chose you when you were bigger than you are now, and he's been with you for three years - how you view yourself and whether you're happy in this relationship is the only thing that matters. Don't put too much weight into her comment because she is only 6, but if she continues to say things like that, you might want to discuss this with your boyfriend so that you can both sit down and calmly talk to his little girl. Be sure not to make her feel bad; children don't have the same understanding of things as we do.
  • YvetteK2015
    YvetteK2015 Posts: 653 Member
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    I had something similar happen to me. I know that weight can make a person look older, and I guess ALL of my weight makes me look a lot older. It was one of the holidays, and we are all sitting around the table. I'm sitting with my nephew (he was 10) and I was talking to him about when me, his mom (my sister) and his aunt (my other sister) were young. I said "Yeah, I'm younger than bother your mom and your aunt" ( I'm 40) and he says "OMG, you look so old. You look like you are over 50. I always thought you were over 50".

    I wasn't offended, but I knew I had to get thin again lol
  • mickeygirliegirl
    mickeygirliegirl Posts: 302 Member
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    All_Exits_Lead_Within wrote: »
    She ran up and gave you a hug - she loves you. To a 6 year old girl, no matter what size you are, you'll be bigger than her. The situation you described does not sound like a child who is judging you, just a child who is expressing her view. I'd also like to add that this guy chose you when you were bigger than you are now, and he's been with you for three years - how you view yourself and whether you're happy in this relationship is the only thing that matters. Don't put too much weight into her comment because she is only 6, but if she continues to say things like that, you might want to discuss this with your boyfriend so that you can both sit down and calmly talk to his little girl. Be sure not to make her feel bad; children don't have the same understanding of things as we do.

    Sometimes I marvel at the fact that he did choose me. He flat out said he didn't even notice that I had gained about 30 lbs from when we first started dating. It amazed me because I had an ex who threw a fit and refused to touch me because I gained about 10 lbs (yup I'm a yo-yo'er for sure).

    I brought the things up I did about his ex and the gym rat stuff because she is also mega-health conscious and even lectures the kids. They will come over and have to read the labels for everything and then tell my boyfriend that he never eats healthy and how they aren't allowed to have certain foods at mom's house (Mac and cheese for one). So it makes me wonder if all of that is going on, what other kinds of things are they being told about who is fat and who is not and not.
  • All_Exits_Lead_Within
    All_Exits_Lead_Within Posts: 47 Member
    edited May 2017
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    mickeygirliegirl wrote: »
    All_Exits_Lead_Within wrote: »
    She ran up and gave you a hug - she loves you. To a 6 year old girl, no matter what size you are, you'll be bigger than her. The situation you described does not sound like a child who is judging you, just a child who is expressing her view. I'd also like to add that this guy chose you when you were bigger than you are now, and he's been with you for three years - how you view yourself and whether you're happy in this relationship is the only thing that matters. Don't put too much weight into her comment because she is only 6, but if she continues to say things like that, you might want to discuss this with your boyfriend so that you can both sit down and calmly talk to his little girl. Be sure not to make her feel bad; children don't have the same understanding of things as we do.

    Sometimes I marvel at the fact that he did choose me. He flat out said he didn't even notice that I had gained about 30 lbs from when we first started dating. It amazed me because I had an ex who threw a fit and refused to touch me because I gained about 10 lbs (yup I'm a yo-yo'er for sure).

    I brought the things up I did about his ex and the gym rat stuff because she is also mega-health conscious and even lectures the kids. They will come over and have to read the labels for everything and then tell my boyfriend that he never eats healthy and how they aren't allowed to have certain foods at mom's house (Mac and cheese for one). So it makes me wonder if all of that is going on, what other kinds of things are they being told about who is fat and who is not and not.

    Hmm. From personal experience, it seems like the mom has some issues. I'm going assume the mom is putting stuff in the kids heads about you and their daddy, but believe me (I'm a preschool teacher) children are not happy around people who micromanage their lives and they will eventually find little ways of showing that, even if it's mean comments they don't understand. I'm not sure why your boyfriends daughter decided to tell you you're fat, but I really don't believe she was intentionally trying to be mean or was subconsciously comparing you to her mom, if anything she is just mimicking words she's heard from her mother about other people and applying those words to who she thinks might fit them. Kids copy adults, but clearly this kid cares for you.

    From all of this, I takeaway that the mom is a pain in the butt and might put more things in their heads in the future so you'll need to pay attention. When I was a nanny, I worked for a woman who would talk about unhealthy people ALL THE TIME, eventually her children started repeating after her, not knowing why and sometimes I heard them say some awful things. If you suspect this is happening, you'll both need to address this asap, without smack talking their mom. You don't want to have rude children in your life.

    And back to your relationship. He sounds like a good guy whose ex was a control freak - I don't think you need to feel insecure about that, no matter how she looks lol.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    I have a mole on my forehead. When my granddaughter was about the same age as your stepdaughter we were playing "salon" she was combing my hair, pointed at my blemish and said, "We can take care of that."

    Please, laugh it off. You are NORMAL. You have greater balance in life than a gym rat. Don't try and meet an impossible standard and find your own groove.

    The example you want to leave your stepdaughter is that a woman is everything she needs to be just by being her own self.

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