A Week At The Gym

A Week at the gym -

For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me
the weight machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the entire time he
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
- then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why
the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other junk too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.... (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill
flung me off, and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

Saturday Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my husband
(the idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or
a hysterectomy.