My back pain hurts

I'll tell you a story about a time I was at rock bottom because of my health. Maybe it will help you like it helped me.

I have lupus. After being very active as a young person, I developed this autoimmune disease, which has many manifestations for different people, but for me mainly took the form of inflammation of my cardiovascular system. It felt a lot like being lightly set on fire, and it got worse with exercise. And it took ten years of doctors ignoring my symptoms for me to get a diagnosis.

Lupus symptoms get better and worse in cycles, and one New Year's Eve, before my diagnosis, the symptoms were very bad. I hadn't even been to the grocery store for food, it was so bad. But I dragged myself to the store - with my husband - because in my family, eating black-eyed peas for luck was a tradition on New Year's - each pea is supposed to represent a happy day in the new year. They were out of peas. My husband went to look for a stock boy to find out if there were any in the back, and I collapsed on a bench at the front of the store - I didn't even feel well enough to walk to the back of the store. I was feeling very sorry for myself and thinking even old ladies could manage to walk around a grocery store. The lack of black-eyed peas seemed like a sign that I would never have any happy days ever again.

Then I noticed two children hiding behind the magazine rack, pointing and giggling at something. Someone, actually - they were pointing and giggling at a man with two bionic arms. I thought he would be angry when he noticed, but instead he smiled and called them over and showed them how his arms worked. He explained that he had been an electrician when an electrical accident burned both of his arms and they had to be amputated, but that now he had new ones. "Every day I think about how blessed and lucky I am to be alive," he said.

I was still sitting on my bench, but now I was thinking differently. I felt terrible, but I still had all my body parts! And I felt humbled that this man considered himself blessed and lucky, despite his hardships.

My husband came back with the peas, it turned out there were some in the back after all. And I did have some happy days in my future - eventually I got a diagnosis, and even though my lupus can never be cured, there are good days and bad days.

Pain and depression are so hard. Please keep seeing doctors until you find one who will help you. And please have faith that there are good days in your future. If you can't walk around the block walk around the living room - or find another activity that you can do without pain. Even holding a couple of water bottles and moving just your arms is better than nothing. If you are on meds for depression, some of them cause weight gain - but even then you can lose weight, it's just harder. Start by just logging everything you do and eat for a week, and then you will know where you stand and where to go next.

Edit: and ASK FOR HELP, this is so important- tell the people you know that you need help.