Love letter to my dog Lilli, the dog that saved my life (part 1)

Dear Lilli,
In the summer of 2004, I was a 19 year old college student. I went to the humane society to get a big Rhodesian Ridgeback named “Sarge” that my college-aged self thought was oh so cool. I found out later that day that his breed was not an accepted breed at the duplex in which I lived. I was so disappointed… I went back to the UPAWS animal shelter to tell them I couldn’t take Sarge home and needed to look for another dog. I still remember the day. I looked over the other dogs, some were so excited, some were so flashy with their colorful patterns and coats. There you were, sitting in your kennel, a plain looking black lab, looking at me with those big brown eyes and a “please get me out of here” look. I asked “what about this one?” They said, “oh, that’s Jedi (immediately piqued my interest), she is 2 and a ½, she just had puppies about two months ago, all of her puppies were immediately adopted once they were available, but nobody has shown interest in her.” I asked if I could take you outside to play a bit…spending those 10 minutes with you outside, I quickly realized what I still know to this day, that you are a special dog, and would end up being the most special dog I’ve had in my life so far, and I feel safe saying you will be the best dog I will ever have. We started to grow our bond immediately from that first meeting. I changed your name to Lilli, it was more fitting of your sweet and lovely personality. Everyone I know that has met Lilli, knows just how special she is.

Fast forward to the late 2000’s (I think around ’08 or ’09), my weight had spiraled out of control, I fully hated my 500 lb self. I had basically accepted that my life was over. I was not going to see 30 years of age. But you loved me regardless Lilli. You were a huge pain in the *kitten* around that time; you chewed up garbage if it wasn’t secured, chewed up clothes and other things, continually looking at me every day like “let’s go for a walk, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go”. I needed you to stop being so annoying and destructive, so I took you out for a walk. I could barely make it the ½ mile around the block, but with your energy, and you pulling me along the way, I did it. WE did it, together. The next day we went a ½ mile again, and the same the day after that. Two days later, we went for our ½ mile walk around the block, but when we finished, you didn’t want to go in the driveway to the house, you wanted to go around the block again…you pulled me, you pulled again, harder, I relented and said “alright, we’ll do one more lap”. A 1/2 mile later, we did it Lil, we walked a mile, but boy was I exhausted. I didn’t know it yet, but you were changing my life, one walk at a time.

For the 9 years after that, you and I have taken those walks almost daily. We went from the ½ mile strolls to eventually going 3 to 4 miles a day 5 or more days a week. I now have a couple of 5k’s and even a couple of 10k’s under my belt. I would’ve loved to take you with me on those days Lilli, as the whole reason I was there and able to do what I did was because of you. I changed some diet habits over the years, yes, but mainly my health came from walking with you, because of you…motivating me day, after day, after day, for the last 9 years. I’ve lost over 170 lbs. I got my life back. You did that for me Lilli. You bugged me every day to walk. If I skipped a day, you’d bug me even more the next day. Eventually, I had my own motivation, but you were the one that made me feel alive again and wanting to walk, wanting to be healthy.

Fast forward through many great times and some bad times to about 2-3 years ago. Your age really started to show, you really grayed in the face and turned into an old lady. You could no longer jump into my car for a ride, or run up the steps with such vigor…but your tail would still go crazy when I said “wanna go for a ride?” or “wanna go for a walk?” and you’d try to jump up like a puppy while I scolded you to calm down so you wouldn’t hurt yourself. I mean, you were on medicine now to help your achy joints. When we went for rides, I’d gladly pick you up and put you in the car so you could come with me, wherever I was going at the time. You would still love to stick your face in the wonderful breeze coming through the windows when we drove around. Your hearing and your vision slowly started to go around this point. But you still lived with such energy, and loved everyone you came in contact with, except little white dogs…you HATED little white dogs for some reason! Haha!

About 6 months ago, you started struggling to control your muscles. You started leaking on the floor, and not being able to keep your food down as much. Your walking became more and more difficult. You’d still trot a few miles, but you would be so achy the rest of the day, struggling to get up from the ground. Your pace slowed. Your face was now totally gray. Your big beautiful brown eyes still were so full of life, even though they were covered with the fog of age. Your hearing was almost totally gone, you could only hear loud or high-pitched noises. I’d have to clap or whistle to get your attention, which would startle you, but as soon as you’d smell me or make out my image through your struggling vision, your tail would wag relentlessly as always. My happy girl.

I took you to the groomer to clean you up for a vet appointment after you had a couple of accidents on yourself. The groomers told me you struggled to stay standing for the whole appointment. You sure did look pretty when you were done though! I thought you were just tired, just not having a good day. We both knew your days were starting to be more bad than good, and that is not something you should have to deal with. You loved the ride to the vet, as always, but you kind of fell asleep on the arm of the door instead of soaking up the breeze like your young self. Several weeks and appointments later, you were on a variety of medications, and wearing diapers now, as you have been struggling to hold it. The vet did some tests, and then told me the bad news.

Your liver was failing. There was nothing they could do. Your old achy body was giving out on you. The liver failure was leading to kidney failure, and causing all of your issues. The vet added another medication for us to try. We added the 4th drug to the 3 you were already taking, and after the 1 day of taking all 4, you had a terrible accident in the house. Your body was telling us NO. Not anymore. I had a heart to heart with you the other day and told you “Lilli, I know you can’t tell me how you feel, but you need to give me a sign, you need to let me know when you are ready to go.” After your bad accident, I relented, and kept trying to give you at least the 3 pills you were already taking before the 4th was added. After a couple of days, you refused to take any of your meds. You had bad accidents 2 days in a row. I decided ok, we can stop your meds, and we will see what happens. I just don’t want to say goodbye Lilli! I can still see flashes of your puppy-self in the way you act, the way you greet me when you actually hear me come in the door. But this is not about me. This is about you Lilli, and your happiness and health.

2 days ago I went home on my lunch break to let you out. It was nice and sunny so I decided to take a lap with you around the block. You struggled, you really did. About a ¼ mile in and you slowed down. ½ mile in and you didn’t want to keep walking, you resisted, but I guided you on, scratched your ears a bit and we trucked on, we had to get home. We made it a whole mile Lilli. This time around, thousands of miles and 170 lbs from where we started years ago, you let me return the favor and guide you. You let me help you make it, if you would have stopped, I would have carried you. You know that I would, but you’re a proud dog and you finished the walk, albeit way slower than normal. After we got back to the house, you struggled to get up the steps…you laid down and rested. This walk was one of the last signs I needed to know you were getting ready to go. The very last sign has been your loss of appetite the last couple of weeks culminating in you refusing to eat anything the last couple of days, even cheese, you LOVE cheese! The bony body you are occupying right now is not the 47 lb dog I see you as, but instead is a frail shell-version of her former self, struggling from liver/kidney/vision/hearing failure. Today, Wednesday May 24th, 2017, we will lay you to rest. Not because we want to say goodbye, I NEVER will! But it is time for you to stop fighting with all of your strength to stay by our side, time for you to let go, and rest easy sweet pup…you did your job better than most, we don’t need you to protect us anymore. I know in my heart that you would stay alive until the last possible second, just to make me happy. You are that amazing...but it is time to relax dear Lilli.

We have been through so many bad times together; you getting sick multiple times over the years, you finding your way into an old outhouse hole (gag), or you running out on Nate or myself several times before I learned you needed frequent walks to release energy. Don’t forget getting sprayed by the skunk and then running through the house, YUCK! You would probably also put all of our failed attempts for you to swim under the bad category also; although I never knew a lab who hated water as much as you I personally enjoyed our attempts, even though you clung to me as a safety net in fear, I felt happy knowing that you counted on me to keep you safe. Eventually I stopped trying to make you swim, and just accepted that Lilli the black lab is a water-hater haha.

More importantly than those crappy bad moments, I need to shout these following happy moments from the mountains, because the majority of your life has been nothing but JOY! Joy for us in our lives, and joy on your face and in your tail and the way you jumped for us! We have been through so so so many more good times together than the bad though Lilli. Heck, I didn’t go a day in my 20’s without you in my life, that’s crazy. I’ve had you for over a decade…13+ of your 16 years. Good times…all of our countless walks over the years, including the ridiculous amount of times you would poop within a quarter mile of leaving the house…or when we played “throw and walk”, you know, since we’d try fetch, but I would just keep throwing the ball around the yard and having to get it myself while you jumped around excitedly. Or what about the games of tug we’ve played over the years, or the countless cuddles. Or how you would act so funny when I tried to put winter booties on you for walking in the cold one year, and quickly learned you were not wearing them on your feet as you tap danced around the kitchen awkwardly. You loved the cold though, the first thing you always did when you went outside in the winter was roll on your back in the snow. I remember the noise you’d make when I’d ask “what’s Chewbacca say?!”. Or how you would “stick em up” and let anyone shoot you, and you’d play dead for a treat. How about the way you would always sit like a proper lady and cross your front paws, as if you were being judged on your appearance. Or when someone would pet you and you'd wrap your arms around theirs and dig your claws into them so they couldn't stop petting you. I remember how mad you acted towards me when I got married and you couldn’t sleep in my bed anymore! You let that one go soon enough though but I definitely miss how you would squish your butt into mine when you slept, wanting to know I was there. How could I forget the way you'd bound towards me when you saw me across the yard. Or when you would follow me around outside, or from room to room in the house. You loved me, and I you. You always could sense when I was down and would comfort me. When one of my best friends from high school passed away, or other bad things happened in my life, you could always sense something was off, and were there to comfort me.

That is what has been so difficult the past few days for me Lilli girl. I came home yesterday to let you out, the last full day with you in my life, and sat in the house, face full of tears, crying about putting you down, like a big baby. I don’t want to do this too soon, I just want one more day with you. That’s when Sara reminded me, “you will always want one more day with her, but remember this decision is for her”. You still came up to me Lilli, pain and all, put your head on my lap and comforted me, as if to say “it’s ok Dad. It’s time to let me rest”. You were comforting me as always. Then you did my favorite thing that you have always done and you buried your face in my neck and deeply breathed me in. You seem to do this much more frequently now that your sense of smell is your last strong sense. It’s the weirdest thing, but it lets me know how much I mean to you, and reminds me of the connection I share with you.

So today, we got up in the morning...I slept downstairs with you the last two nights to try and spend as much time together as possible. I think my shuffling irritated you, because even though I let you sleep in the bed with me, you still wanted to go to your comfy spot on the rug. You woke, and the normal look of happiness came over you. You and I went outside for you to do your business. After you came in we said forget this, and cast your diaper aside...my little Lilli girl was going out in style! We spent the whole morning cuddling, truth be told I wrote most of this yesterday because I knew I’d struggle today. Sara read to you what I had written of this letter up until the part about today….the whole while you laid across my legs. There was something comfortingly odd about today. You breathed in my neck once again, you made me so happy Lilli. The fog in your eyes seemed to be gone. You were making eye contact from far away again, not something you’ve done lately. You seemed more like yourself than you had been...I think you knew what was going to happen, and were putting all of your energy into making us happy, as always.

After cuddling and crying and some more cuddling, we went for a ride, your last ride. I picked you up and carried you outside to the SUV. Sara drove you and I around for awhile, we drove past all the houses we’ve lived at in the Green Bay area, and you smelled the air coming in the window. You were too tired to prop yourself out of the window, so you plopped your body across my lap and continually sniffed the air. I could not stop cuddling with you, squishing your paws, kissing your head, and rubbing your ears, all the things you love! We eventually stopped by the Fox River Trail and I picked you up and out of the SUV and you gladly jumped down to the ground. You seemed more energetic today, it was the fastest you’ve walked in ages, I was so impressed. You kept a few paces behind and every time I looked back at you, you looked up and I swear I could even see you smiling We went a little short of a ½ mile and by this point your pace had slowed severely. Every single time you wanted to stop, I let you. You really seemed to breathe in your surroundings today, on our trail, the plants, flowers, the people...your favorite place to walk...every season of the year. We turned around soon after that and your pace continued to slow. With about 1/2 a mile to go, you seemed to almost just give up...you wouldn’t lie down though, because that means your lovely lady fur would have gotten wet and dirty Lilli, I know you would’ve suffered every last aching step for me, but it's ok, I wanted to help...it's the least I can do. I hoisted you up in my arms and carried you, in the same way you pulled me across that ½ mile finish line our very first walk together.