Helping overweight spouse.
Chummy23
Posts: 3 Member
So my husband is about 100 pounds overweight and has tried various diets over the years but nothing has lasted more than a month or so. I support him through all these and have learned not to say a word when he falls off the wagon.
He's an emotional eater and tends to binge on whatever he can find late at night.
I'm the grocery shopper and cook and cleaner in the family. I have small children who don't like the salads/protein diet that my husband is on right now. Which means I'm cooking 2 meals every night. I try to cook extra so he can take some to work the next day. So here's where I need advice...
Every morning I wake up to see all the leftovers eaten plus a lot more. Last night he ate his lunch for today and and entire bag of chips at midnight. That's probably more that 1K calories.
Am I allowed to say anything???? He's sensitive and always feels bad that he's done it so I dont want to make him feel worse. But honestly I'm so sick of supporting his diets and watching him cheat. Please help!!
He's an emotional eater and tends to binge on whatever he can find late at night.
I'm the grocery shopper and cook and cleaner in the family. I have small children who don't like the salads/protein diet that my husband is on right now. Which means I'm cooking 2 meals every night. I try to cook extra so he can take some to work the next day. So here's where I need advice...
Every morning I wake up to see all the leftovers eaten plus a lot more. Last night he ate his lunch for today and and entire bag of chips at midnight. That's probably more that 1K calories.
Am I allowed to say anything???? He's sensitive and always feels bad that he's done it so I dont want to make him feel worse. But honestly I'm so sick of supporting his diets and watching him cheat. Please help!!
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Replies
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BTW we never have chips in the house normally...guests brought them for a bbq the other day and left them behind. I try not to have any junk in the house at all.0
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I guess that depends on whether he wants your help or not. Have you asked him if he'd prefer you just tell him straight up what he needs to hear or if he would prefer you just let him fight his own battles?1
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see if you can make some low calorie soup for him to snack on at night so that he doesn't keep eating the lunches. maybe that will help. there are lots of zero calorie soups. maybe it would help both of you.0
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He always says he can't do it without me when he's at the beginning of the diet. We make a plan and he's really positive and listens. But once he starts sliding off the wagon he doesn't want to talk about it with me or hear any advice. Guess it makes him feel guilty...
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Is there a way you could sneaky leave low cal snacks for him to eat? I switched to buying low cal versions of a lot of our normal foods and the difference can be a few hundred/thousand calories over a week. Chicken breast, low cal bread and salad can make a great midnight sandwich and for 300-400 calories. Or even hide his lunch for until next day or make it fresh in the morning (not ideal i know but from your post i'm guessing you end up making him a lunch in the mornings anyway to compensate for the one he eats at night)0
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Salads and protein are probably leaving him hungry, need good fats as well.
An emotional eater needs to do things that will detract them from eating, only he can do that for himself. If he is bored he needs to find something to occupy his mind and hands, if he is stressed he probably needs to do something to unwind, if he is angry...boxing classes!. But really he needs to deal with what is actually causing the emotions particularly if it is stress or anger.
Is he actually eating enough during the day...is he perhaps eating at midnight not just because he is dealing with emotions, but is he dieting so strictly he isn't eating enough?2 -
I think you have every right to confront him on eating the lunch you set aside for him for the next day. I would be irritated at him. Maybe you could try portioning out a late night snack for him like string cheese or anything with some protein. Also, if it were me...I would leave positive sticky notes for him.
I have to say, my husband and I support open communication. "I don't want to talk about it" doesn't fly around here. I don't care if he gets upset talking about something and vise versa...we are going figure things out.1 -
Do you think he actually has BED? Maybe counseling would help or, at the very least, a frank discussion with his PCP.
Don't cook separate dinners. Trust me. Kids will eat what you give them.2 -
I joined Weight Watchers in 2006. No im not suggesting this for your husband. It's just that I've spent countless hours listening to women discuss this. Read countless message board posts too. This has become my stock advice.
1 time and 1 time ONLY, tell him you are worried about his weight and that the current system isn't working for you. If you come out of that conversation with a new plan, fine. If not, fine.
After that talk, drop the subject forever. If he baits you, not take the bait. Never get involved in a diet discussion with him again. If you are preparing meals, prepare what he wants unless it's totally unreasonable.
Do I think he will change because of anything you may say? No. But when the inevitable consequences of 100 extra lbs start, maybe you won't feel so guilty.
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Is this another fad diet or one approved by his doctor/nutritionist? If it is not a Dr diet encourage him to go see his Doc, get a referral to a nutritionist and work with them to do a diet that is filling and healthy.
If he eats the lunch you packed tell him, he needs to figure his lunch out that day.
also, "I have small children who don't like the salads/protein diet that my husband is on right now." Really? It sounds like you let your whole family walk all over you. No chance in Heaven that my father or mother would prepare two different meals! We ate what they ate. Or if we hated it (and had tried it before) a PB sandwich. My mother said the easiest way to get us to eat the new foods was to say "no, this is adult food. You eat baby food"3 -
You can't help someone with his diet if his own head is not there 100%.
I think better help would be "convincing" him how being overweight if not healthy etc.3 -
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i think you need to sit down and talk to him about what your support looks like.
who decided that his diet was protein and salad?
and i also agree that you should make one healthy meal that you can enjoy as a family, in varying portion sizes.0 -
So my husband is about 100 pounds overweight and has tried various diets over the years but nothing has lasted more than a month or so. I support him through all these and have learned not to say a word when he falls off the wagon.
He's an emotional eater and tends to binge on whatever he can find late at night.
I'm the grocery shopper and cook and cleaner in the family. I have small children who don't like the salads/protein diet that my husband is on right now. Which means I'm cooking 2 meals every night. I try to cook extra so he can take some to work the next day. So here's where I need advice...
Every morning I wake up to see all the leftovers eaten plus a lot more. Last night he ate his lunch for today and and entire bag of chips at midnight. That's probably more that 1K calories.
Am I allowed to say anything???? He's sensitive and always feels bad that he's done it so I dont want to make him feel worse. But honestly I'm so sick of supporting his diets and watching him cheat. Please help!!
What kind of shape are you in? Can you lead by example?
I understand kids are picky eaters, but they are not the heads of the household.
You can't "force" someone on a diet, and in his defense he's probably distraught because of the pressure to be on one. The best way to handle cases with spouses or close family members is lead by example. Eat well. Exercise well. Encourage them to join you.
It's a tricky situation with no singular answer. It has to be something that he wants.
Also, get him to track calories on his own. If he is having late night binges it's probably less emotional and more raw hunger. If he has 100lbs to lose he can eat quite a bit of calories and still lose weight. If he eats too little raw hunger is going to make it very difficult. I know, I've been there, and still am there sometimes.0 -
One thing you can do is start taking family walks after dinner. It will at least help him burn off a couple hundred calories so over eating will be less bad, it will help you guys build a bigger bond and set a good example for your kids, and it will slightly help with the situation without bringing up the difficult subject of food.
Also, I agree with what someone stated above. Kids are not the head of the house hold and if they are hungry enough they will eat what is in front of them. The rule at my house was you eat what is made for you or you don't eat. (It was also the rule that you finish your plate but it has taken me so long to learn how to tell when your body is full that I don't recommend that part.) It would be good to get them started off on a good eating pattern that will help them later on in life. Granted, I've definitely watched my sister have days where she is just glad my toddler nephew is eating something, even if it is just sour cream and rice.0 -
Would outside help be an option? A registered Dietician for instance? Besides Only salad and protein? How many calories is the guy getting and how did you come to the the number for him?
I know my mother did not get serious and had every way out and bro-science reasoning in the book and then some until her Gatro-entrologist said ; There is nothing worng with you besides your weight.
I then managed to convince her to go to an RD under medical controls with the GP instead of using another bro-science popular book she just bought because the latest fad is the real solution to her issue (never is/was).
That was a year and a half ago. The RD is keeping her in check - no need for nice nice feelings and other issues She's tough on my mum. I stepped out as much as I could. Never question the RD. And lo and behold we are 20Kg further (down) She is much apppier and halved most of her medication.
Sometimes it takes an outsider to be the one showing the way. And there are these days a number of RD's that have their patients use aps like this to monitor and finetune their diet. The question then becomes - will you be on board with that?0 -
Is he demonstrating signs of intense hunger or binging other times of the day, or is it only night time?
Does he "binge" in front of you or others, or only when he is alone?
Is there a certain type (or types) of food that sets him off/he can't resist? (Desserts, salty snacks, carb-based, fat-based, etc.)
I think identifying why he eats like this, or what causes this type of behavior, is probably the key to figuring out how he can get on a healthy eating plan. He may have binge eating disorder, or he may be setting himself up for failure by restricting too much during the day, which could cause a binge at night.
Additionally, this may be an issue of unbalanced macros. As other posters have noted, it doesn't sound like you have a lot of fat in your diet (based on very little data, since we only know about the salad/protein dinners). I know for many, fat is the key satiation and it "turns off" their hunger signals (this is true for me).
Maybe increasing his calories at dinner and adding some fat, like an olive oil based dressing, cheese, protein that's higher in fat, avocado, and some egg, will give him some satiation and reduce his binges. Maybe it won't.
If traditional methods aren't working, consider looking into non-traditional methods at the beginning of this weight loss journey. If he binges at night and isn't hungry in the morning, maybe you should shift his meals so that his first meal his lunch and his last meal is an evening meal. Maybe he would be a candidate for IF or a two meals a day approach. Is he a snacker/grazer?
If he isn't getting enough satiation with his current diet, maybe you assess how is macros are aligned and make some serious adjustment such as a low carb high fat diet, a high carb low fat diet, or whatever else. Sometimes after the first chunk of weight comes off, people are more motivated to continue and can ease up on strict structures.
In the end, he probably won't have long-term success if this is binge eating disorder, unless he sorts out the emotional issues that are causing him to binge. Does he have a history of depression or anxiety? Does anyone in his side of the family have a history of mental health issues?
And finally, he has to decide to do this for him. Not for you or anyone else. You can encourage and lead by example as others have mentioned, but he has to draw the line in the sand and do this.
Last note.': don't cook 2 meals for your fam. That 1. Is too much work. 2. Brings food in that your husband "can't" have, tempts him or reinforces the idea of restriction (which can lead to binges) 3. Tells you kids that they are in charge and do not have to adhere to healthy eating practices etc.
It may take some time and whining but their tastes will change and they will get used to salads/protein or whatever else you cook. Also, consider looking up other dishes that fit within your diet plan. If they like spaghetti and meatballs, for instance, make a dish with 1/2 zucchini noodles 1/2 regular pasta meatballs marinara and maybe a little Parmesan cheese on top. Be creative and have fun. Ask your husband or kids for dinner ideas. Try out some new stuff.
Good luck!0 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »You can't help someone with his diet if his own head is not there 100%.
I think better help would be "convincing" him how being overweight if not healthy etc.
I agree 100%. There may be a food addiction at work here. That's a complex issue that many don't understand, even though many of us on this site may struggle with it. It's not something to be ashamed of, but sadly, many of us feel guilt and shame and "weak" if we use food as emotional support.
Here's the thing with any addiction - only the addict can make the change. The addict's loved ones may need support, too. It's hard to stand by and watch someone act in self-destructive ways. It sounds like your husband knows he shouldn't be binging - probably why he's doing it late at night.
There are some great books out there on this topic. I really like one that's available on Amazon. It's helped me a LOT. "How to Make Almost Any Diet Work" by Anne Katherine. She breaks it down, explaining why so many of us have an appetite disorder - our bodies/brains send the wrong signals, and we don't understand why we're hungry, not hungry, etc... and she explains how to re-set that, and ... she also talks about food addiction. It's a real thing. And we shouldn't shame ourselves for it, but learn to develop healthy habits instead. She provides all the tools for doing that, without trying to sell any particular diet.
So, to answer your question about how to help your husband... maybe learn about what food addiction is, then see if he's willing to learn about what it is, then after that, it's really up to him. Partners of any kind of addicts are in a tough spot. It's okay to need support as a partner of an addict. It's a helpless kind of place to be. And again - no shaming here. He needs help, but he has to be ready for it, and he's the one that has to take action.
Hope that helps!0 -
I agree with previous posters who say stop making two dinners and if your husband eats his lunch at night, it's up to him to find lunch the next day.
He's an adult and can assemble his own salad if it's truly impossible for him to eat what you make for yourself. He should also be able to address his own meals when you aren't present. Once that's off your plate, you'll feel better and I suspect be able to provide more emotional support to him.0 -
When I was growing up, we had a "take it or leave it" eating policy at the dinner table...mom cooked it and everyone ate the same thing...or didn't eat it and left the table hungry. You can cut down on your work load by only fixing one meal....having been the picky child, I can assure you that your children will learn to eat what's put before them.
As for your husband, label the fridge food (ex: Wed lunch for ___). If he eats Wednesday's lunch on Tuesday night, he's without lunch on Wednesday. If it's feasible, have him help you prepare a week of work lunches on Sunday afternoon, freeze them, and send them with him frozen. They'll thaw by lunch and he can microwave them. Still label it and make sure he knows that if he pre-eats a lunch, you aren't willing to fix another...he's on his own.1 -
He's a big boy. He has to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences. It's great that you're supportive and willing to accommodate his diet, but it's up to him to NOT eat tomorrow's lunch as a midnight snack! I agree with the suggestion to have the conversation ONCE and once only. Following that, it's on him.1
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You could always tie him to the bed at night
Can't get up for a snack if you literally can't get up.
On a more serious note... I think you two need to have a talk and figure out why he does what he does, what he wants to accomplish, and maybe seek outside help for any emotional issues.
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He's a big boy. He has to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences. It's great that you're supportive and willing to accommodate his diet, but it's up to him to NOT eat tomorrow's lunch as a midnight snack! I agree with the suggestion to have the conversation ONCE and once only. Following that, it's on him.
^^This
Sorry to sound harsh but he needs to take responsibility for his own actions or he'll be stuck in this cycle forever.
You already have small children to look after, you don't need an extra large one to look after too.
(PS ask him to help out with some of the chores its 2017 ) 0 -
Support is needed when someone WANTS it and is WILLING to commit to weight loss. He not committed.
Has he always been overweight since you met him? If he's gained more, what might have triggered it? Many times addressing the issue of possible cause helps when you can solve that first.
For example, many people gain weight when they are under a lot of stress. So find a way to relieve the stress first.
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