Not enough support from loved ones?

kcspm
kcspm Posts: 43 Member
edited November 19 in Motivation and Support
Has anybody experienced loved ones being competitive or not as supportive as you'd wish they be? If so, how did you deal with it? I feel like the person who is the closest with me hasn't been supportive or encouraging. Maybe I'm overreacting, or just wanting too much?

Replies

  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    I'm a single parent, so there was no loved one to support me. My family lives close and was not at all involved. Build up a community of people on here who will provide the support you are looking for.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    kcspm wrote: »
    Has anybody experienced loved ones being competitive or not as supportive as you'd wish they be? If so, how did you deal with it? I feel like the person who is the closest with me hasn't been supportive or encouraging. Maybe I'm overreacting, or just wanting too much?

    Ignore them...

    That being said, have you had a conversation about what support you would like?
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    @TavistockToad it is not easy to ignore when you live with them. I have had 3 serious conversations and pretty much begged for support. I also msde it clear that it was all me. All my efforts and for myself. But the little remarks here and there are just hurtful.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    kcspm wrote: »
    @TavistockToad it is not easy to ignore when you live with them. I have had 3 serious conversations and pretty much begged for support. I also msde it clear that it was all me. All my efforts and for myself. But the little remarks here and there are just hurtful.

    When you say 'support' what did you say you want? Someone to cook your dinners? Take walks with you? Hide the cookies?
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    Just for them to be kind with their words. Not judge me. For example, I was feeding my son and said "this rice is dry." The person's reply was "how would you know?" Implying that I ate the rice. I didn't but that was incredibly hurtful, especially because I am working really hard. I don't cheat myself, and for someone who lives with me I'd expect them to see it more than anyone else. Another one was when I was leaving to go workout they asked me "well, when do I get to workout?" I guess I expected a pat on the back, like "hey good job." Or at least nothing at all.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    kcspm wrote: »
    Just for them to be kind with their words. Not judge me. For example, I was feeding my son and said "this rice is dry." The person's reply was "how would you know?" Implying that I ate the rice. I didn't but that was incredibly hurtful, especially because I am working really hard. I don't cheat myself, and for someone who lives with me I'd expect them to see it more than anyone else. Another one was when I was leaving to go workout they asked me "well, when do I get to workout?" I guess I expected a pat on the back, like "hey good job." Or at least nothing at all.

    I think you're hearing things that aren't there personally.

    As @cwolfman13 said, if you have no expectations of support you won't be disappointed.
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    kcspm wrote: »
    Just for them to be kind with their words. Not judge me. For example, I was feeding my son and said "this rice is dry." The person's reply was "how would you know?" Implying that I ate the rice. I didn't but that was incredibly hurtful, especially because I am working really hard. I don't cheat myself, and for someone who lives with me I'd expect them to see it more than anyone else. Another one was when I was leaving to go workout they asked me "well, when do I get to workout?" I guess I expected a pat on the back, like "hey good job." Or at least nothing at all.

    Have you two always had marital issues? I'm assuming this is a spouse. It sounds like long term poor communication and harbored resentment, on both ends not just you. Maybe seek counseling together.
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    You're right.
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    Honestly, no. No marital problems. I justbfeel that I am vulnerable right now during this journey and that I may not be getting the support I deserve. I'm usually not a touchy feely person. We have great sense of humor and joke a lot. I felt I could post it here so I can get different perspectives. Be it, either somebody would be hurt too or like @TavistockToad said I'm seeing things that aren't there.
  • Geocitiesuser
    Geocitiesuser Posts: 1,429 Member
    kcspm wrote: »
    Has anybody experienced loved ones being competitive or not as supportive as you'd wish they be? If so, how did you deal with it? I feel like the person who is the closest with me hasn't been supportive or encouraging. Maybe I'm overreacting, or just wanting too much?

    You gotta do you. Support from others is nice, but it's not a requirement. I have very few people in my life, much less people who are supportive of my fitness goals. That's why I come here and bug everyone for it instead :)

    As for marital issues, people over look the relationships they are blessed with over time. Sometimes everyone needs to step back and realize how fortunate they are to have someone. Relationships are never perfect and require both people compromise over the years. You won't always see eye to eye, but if you can always put the effort in to rekindle and foster the relationship. (Or of course if it's an unhappy living situation that is sometimes a different situation).

    One thing I've said a lot on these forums is that you can't expect your spouse/SO to be supportive, understand what you're going through, or even join you. The best thing you can do is lead by example. Someone else once explained it that you have to be greedy. You have to lose the weight for you, and you have to be selfish about the time and effort it takes to do it. It has to be something you want that you will work towards regardless of who or who isn't in the picture.
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    It sounds like your expectations have changed and you're expecting your SO to change as well. Maybe figure out why you feel vulnerable and work on changing that? You can't change them just because you decided to change.

    Many people find that when they make lifestyle changes their spouse won't join them. They then have to go from wanting to change everything to some compromises. That means dinners stay relatively the same since you have them together and your meals apart are more strict.
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    edited June 2017
    @Geocitiesuser thank you for the kind words! The greedy thing definitely makes sense! @usmcmp I'm vulnerable because I'm working really hard to lose weight. Sometimes it's not only physically but also mentally exhausting. That's why I needed to know whether I'm the one seeing things and being oversensitive, maybe because I'm missing my comfort food? Lol My husband is in shape. My family eats well. It doesn't bother me what they eat. They don't need to change their life style like I do. There had just been a few comments that led me to think I'm not getting the support I need. But based on what you guys said, now I feel like a cry baby and that I'm definitely overthinking.
  • Penthesilea514
    Penthesilea514 Posts: 1,189 Member
    Honestly, with my SO it was difficult at first because I wanted him to change with me- not realistic. But now that I have been making progress and positive changes, he has slowly started to see that maybe changing some of his habits are a good idea as well and he has become more supportive. I agree with others- this is for you, and you need to find strength within yourself to keep going (or find other friends like here on MFP). Maybe your strength will inspire him or maybe it won't, but don't let someone else stop you from doing what you want to do to improve yourself.
  • Geocitiesuser
    Geocitiesuser Posts: 1,429 Member
    now I feel like a cry baby and that I'm definitely overthinking.

    I mean this in the most sensitive, non mean way possible, but most likely yes. You're entitled to it though as far as I'm concerned, because I do it too. Losing weight is hard. I don't know how much you have to lose or how long you've been overweight, but I'm just shy of losing 135lbs and sometimes it feels like I'm dragging my soul through broken glass to get to a finish line made of molten lava.

    That's why so many of us say to build small habits incrementally if you can, and not rush weight loss. If you're calories are too low you will turn into a monster and/or corpse over time to the people around you.
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    @Geocitiesuser hahaha I appreciate it!
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    I understand that it can be mentally and physically exhausting, I've been through it. At some point you may have to decide that you will allow yourself to cry it out in the bathroom, then put on a determined face and keep pushing on alone.

    As you said they don't need to change and they probably don't understand how hard it is for you. They never will. Make friends here who understand.
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    @cwolfman13 that's great advice! It's silly how we forget about something until somebody points out! Thank you
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    @usmcmp yup! Thanks for putting me back on track!
  • skinneeme007
    skinneeme007 Posts: 24 Member
    @kcspm I have indeed felt the same feelings of not having the support I felt I should have from my husband, and I talked to him about it at length. I discovered he wasn't the problem, but that it was a self-confidence issue. I realized I was being overly sensitive. It is a very emotional journey, but at the end of the day, the only pat on the back that truly matters is your own. Be proud of yourself for leaving your old habits behind and becoming the healthiest version of yourself that you can be, and be confident knowing that when you leave for the gym, etc, you're doing it because you owe it to yourself!
  • kcspm
    kcspm Posts: 43 Member
    edited June 2017
    Thank you @skineeme007!!!! :)
  • mca90guitar
    mca90guitar Posts: 289 Member
    Have to tell you, I don't give a crap if others are supportive or not. I'm not doing it for them and I'm not looking for a pat on the back for doing what I should be doing. Just my thoughts . make my food, do my workouts and get my own results.
  • shakenbake57
    shakenbake57 Posts: 303 Member
    Agree with others about finding support where you can. MFP community is wonderful! I'm sure your spouse and others near and dear do care about you and want you to succeed. It may be they're going through their own internal dialogue wondering how your weight loss will affect them.
  • bbell1985
    bbell1985 Posts: 4,571 Member
    It's your body. Your "journey" (I hate that word).
  • pamfgil
    pamfgil Posts: 449 Member
    If it's your husband , you could try saying "ouch that hurt" at the time, when you feel hurt by something he says. If you don't show it hurts you can't expect him to realise. And talking about it later is probably too late
  • Rognvaldr
    Rognvaldr Posts: 22 Member
    pamfgil wrote: »
    If it's your husband , you could try saying "ouch that hurt" at the time, when you feel hurt by something he says. If you don't show it hurts you can't expect him to realise. And talking about it later is probably too late

    pamfgil is right, we (men) have short attention spans. We're like puppies that way. You have to let us know at the time it occurs. Much of the time we may not realize that we hurt you. :p

    Seriously though, have a conversation. Let those close to you know what your goals are and the type of support you need. If nothing else, you'll understand the level of support (or not) you will be getting.

    ...and those of us in this community (yes, I know I'm new to MFP). We are all going through what you are and can understand your challenges and provide moral support, advise, etc.

    Hope this helps. :)
  • sporangia
    sporangia Posts: 50 Member
    You deserve to put yourself first. Don't wait for them to tell you it's okay to put your needs first. Take care of yourself and your body because preventative healthcare is the best gift we give our families. Once you truly believe that you deserve this, what they say won't matter.
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