Slowly committing suicide

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mcbrainder
mcbrainder Posts: 73 Member
in Motivation and Support
I realized today that there's not much of a better way to put that.

I was in shape about 6 years ago. I worked hard to get there, dropping over 60 pounds. I looked great and felt great. It was fantastic.

Then, a lot of things changed and I stopped eating well and working out. I wish I could go back to the moment where I did that and prevent it from happening, because it's been a steady rise in weight ever since. In fact, I worked my way up to a new high, occasionally working out and trying to motivate myself. I'd drop ten pounds, then gain twenty. Soon, I was at a new high, and another new high, and now I'm a hundred pounds over where I was then.

I have foot pains, acid reflux, chest pains. My health is starting to deteriorate and the invincibility I'd always felt is gone.

I make lists of reasons. I create new strategies. I have false starts which don't last long. When I do work out, I don't eat well. I can barely put my socks on without being winded.

And despite the many reasons why being fat sucks and the many reasons why being in shape feels great, I still give in to a momentary urge for short-lasting satisfaction. I have the knowledge to do it, the resources, and the reasons. I'm still defeated by sugar.

And it's going to kill me, and even that realization doesn't stop me from going to the vending machine for a Pepsi. I'm simply not strong enough to care about the things that should matter over this short term satisfaction that doesn't even make me feel all that good.

I'm not looking for motivation. I'm expressing this for myself, but also wondering if anyone identifies with these feelings. The good FAR outweighs the bad, and even knowing this, and even being capable, I still fail repeatedly.

Replies

  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
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    All this is all fine and good, but the real issue you need to figure out is why. Why do you overeat? Why can't you stick to eating at a deficit?

    Once you can answer those questions and once you really want it you can do this.
  • killamangiro
    killamangiro Posts: 4 Member
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    Read Alan Watts
  • MadDogManor
    MadDogManor Posts: 1,447 Member
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    You are not alone - you wrote exactly how I feel and what I do. I don't know how to stop the endless cycle, I know I need counseling, but haven't even gotten to that point of trying to find someone I'm comfortable with
  • Geocitiesuser
    Geocitiesuser Posts: 1,429 Member
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    Been there many times OP. Very similar situation. I wasn't able to get my head on straight until I hit rock bottom. Don't let it get that far. Commit to change and see it through right now, otherwise you will regret the time lost when you do. Three months from now you could be down 30 lbs.... Or up 10. Ultimately you make the choice.
  • Dnarules
    Dnarules Posts: 2,081 Member
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    This is like reading a diary entry I might write.
  • allenic10
    allenic10 Posts: 19 Member
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    I think a lot of people struggle with this issue. And an idea expressed in another discussion (I can't take credit for it) was that, in situations like you are describing, we are prioritizing something we are getting from food over losing the weight... whether it's comfort, a distraction, a connection to a certain person or event... we may not consciously decide that those things are more important, but it seems to be what happens. The consensus in the other discussion was that, in order to have successful weight loss, you have to start valuing the benefits of losing weight more than you value what you're getting from the food.

    It seems pretty straightforward, but it can actually be kind of challenging to identify exactly why we eat what we eat. And it can be equally challenging to find other outlets besides those foods.

    Interesting topic! Best of luck to you :)
  • jess140mfp
    jess140mfp Posts: 3 Member
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    I actually wrote something similar in a note to myself. "I am using food as a weapon. Against myself." Feeling better now, but for a while I probably should have been in therapy.
  • mrssie1223
    mrssie1223 Posts: 146 Member
    edited June 2017
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    @mcbrainder I was just like you, and still have my moments. I'm an emotional eater. I eat to fill an emptiness inside. I have lost 89 lbs since March 2016, with a very large yoyoing period after I had reached an 86 lb loss. I just started Keto on 6/2/2017, and have already lost 12.4 lbs. You may have great success on this diet, as there is a lot you can have on Keto that you can't have on a typical diet. I don't feel deprived at all. Add me as a friend, if you'd like. :wink: BTW, my starting weight was 304 lbs. As of 6/7/2017 my weight was 215.2. I weigh in again tomorrow, so I am looking forward to that number going down again. Hopefully, 209 or less! :smiley: Don't give up! We all need a little help now and then. Don't be too proud to ask for it. We are all here for each other. You are never alone! :smile: Michelle

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