What do I do? I want to cry!

Makoce wrote: »

Back a couple years ago I started MFP. It was so easy in the beginning I wondered why everyone couldn't lose weight and why I hadn't done it sooner. I started at 200lbs and it just fell off.
I soon developed an obsession with the scale going down and in the end was left with anorexia at 97lbs.
After a year I began binging. It was horrible for the first 6 months. I was packing away days worth of calories in one day.

Fast forward to where I am now. The blind binging has subsided for the most part. But I am always hungry. Always. I've had blood tests. Been on medications for BED from Psychatrist's and doctors. Nothing warrants any help.
I try to track my calories but even at 1600 I find it hard to not go way over goal while still listening to my hunger cues. Yet years ago 1200 was easy as hell. I get really angry and shakey if I don't eat often. Normally not so great food for you is the only thing that keeps me satisfied for more than a couple hours. I thought maybe low blood sugar.
All I know is I'm up 60lbs this year.

I just need some advice or help or some experience from someone. Thanks for listening to me rant.

I'm sorry. I've never had it quite as bad as that, but, to a much lesser extent I've been there. I did something stupid a couple years ago, I ate like 800 calories per day and walked 7-12 miles and made myself fabulously ill. I was starving all the time even months after I'd stopped. I was nauseous a lot, it always felt like I was so hungry I was nauseous. All my body wanted was junk carbs. Protein made me nauseous. Veggies went through me completely undigested. It was almost a year and a half before I felt better and quit having to chug pepto bismal. My doctor never found out what was wrong. I had borderline low albumin, but, that was all she found. I ended up regaining 45 lbs.

My lifesaver has been my fitbit. It finally gave me the validation to let me know that I was active. All I'd ever heard my whole life was that I must be lazy. I almost cried the first day I wore my stupid fitbit and saw that I was active. Every time I've dieted in my entire life I've cut back way too far. I could never believe that I was active, because there is just this stigma that overweight people are lazy and I've always believed it.

I know that sounds like a commercial for Fitbit, but, really, any activity tracker might give you that same validation and let you eat a bit closer to maintenance margins. I ate at maintenance the first 3 days I had my fitbit and it was just wonderful to finally have permission to eat more without feeling guilty about it.

I don't know if that will be any help to you, our experiences are pretty different. But, knowing how active I've been everyday and being able to eat a lot more on days I've done more has been pretty great. It was permission I never gave myself before.

If it were me, my main concern at this point would be getting my intake to a place where it didn't feel out of control. I personally wouldn't worry about putting myself in a deficit right now, because I would be concerned about triggering the ED, and that's the last thing I'd want. I'd personally rather be mentally calm and over my target weight instead of thinner but in a bad place mentally.

I find there's a huge mental difference between "I'm aiming for maintenance and I hit maintenance" and "I'm aiming for a deficit but I over-ate and hit maintenance." The first one makes me feel good about my performance, whereas the second makes me feel like a failure (whether that's right or wrong is a different question).

I'd encourage you to find your maintenance, and stay there until you can feel calm and at peace with that intake level. Then, I would SLOWLY start to eat at a small deficit. At the first sign of anxiety, I'd put myself back at maintenance. It might take longer to lose, but it would be worth it to me.