12 hours of crying.

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Phoenix1401
Phoenix1401 Posts: 711 Member
in Motivation and Support
Yesterday I was getting ready to go to a friends house, I went to my closet and I couldnt fit one of my "loose jeans" so tried on another pair and another pair after that. Couldnt fit none of them! And some were 18-20. I hurt but it didnt really hit me so I just put on my jeggings and left. I came home from my friends house and my mother sat there saying "Come here we need to talk" and I said "Okay" in a scared way. She said "Bianca you gained alot of weight this summer and I can tell" Thats when the tears started rolling down my cheeks. She said "I know its been to hot to cook and you been eating alot of sandwhiches" I just kept quiet witth tears coming out of my eyes She said "Tomorrow start cooking I dont care how hot it is and start drinking more water" So I told her "Yes ma'am" and I left the room. Later in the evening time I went to go do a presentation for a school event. And I know everybody so I felt okay but all my "Fat" insecureties were just going through my mind but it was okay I was wearing a decent dress. After the whole event finished my friend told me. "Bianca Iam just telling you as a friend but dont wear clingy dresses or invest in something better everybody was judging you by your body you look horrible". Thats when my heart dropped and I held back the tears from the event to all the way home. I stepped on the porch and my stepdad cussed me out and I yelled and cursed at him and I told my mom to "F off" and she said "Whats wrong" and I started tearing down and banging and breaking things I just remembered saying "EVERYBODY CALLED ME FAT!" my mom said "you can change it!" and I screamed "No mom I tried! I TRIED ITS SO HARD WHEN YOU HAVE BREAD AND CANDY AROUND YOU!" After that I cried the whole night long just thoughts rolling through my head. Iam fed up iam so ashamed at my self so angry so upset so hurt and Iam still crying from yesterday. I officaly just idk...Iam just hurt and know I could do better but it felt like some just stripped me and gave me this flashback of this fat 10 year old from 10 years ago getting made fun of in her 3rd grade class. I had enough Iam tired of being fat I'm not thisnhappy go lucky fat girl anymore now Iam just hurting.
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Replies

  • zornig
    zornig Posts: 336 Member
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    That is some strong "tough love" you got from some people there. I think most of us on this site can really identify with the feelings of shame and self-hate that you described. But you *can* do something about it, and you *can* achieve your goals, if you're willing to work hard and make changes. You are a beautiful woman (I can tell from your profile photo) and with some effort, you can be a healthy one too.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
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    I am sorry your hurting, and I agree that was actually really tough especially all in such a small time. But we know you can do it.
  • yankeefamily05
    yankeefamily05 Posts: 657
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    aww sweetie! You can do this! Trust me!!! Feel free to friend request me!
  • emmaNEEDSskinny
    emmaNEEDSskinny Posts: 317
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    how heartbreaking </3
    you can do this sweetie!
    some people are really horrible and are just terrible people
    ill add you message me if you need someone x
  • abeachlady
    abeachlady Posts: 88
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    Aw, so sorry, and hugs to you, but you can do it. Don't "try" this time, just do it this time. When you "try" you give yourself permission to fail, when you decide to just do it, you succeed!
  • AmberLiscous
    AmberLiscous Posts: 644 Member
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    You can totally do this...what you need to do is go back and read everything that you just typed and tell yourself that you CAN do this and then add me as a friend and we will do it together :flowerforyou: YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
  • HaleyAlli
    HaleyAlli Posts: 911 Member
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    Honey, those friends do not deserve you. If they judge you by your body that's THEIR problem!! I think your mom was probably just concerned for you and doesn't want you to get really big and unhealthy. But no real friend would judge you by your body. Period.

    Use this as motivation to get healthy and find some friends that will SUPPORT you and encourage you, not drag you down! :flowerforyou:
  • TankGirl71
    TankGirl71 Posts: 241 Member
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    Come with us, girl. We'll get you there.
  • jeanie✰
    jeanie✰ Posts: 127
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    It really, really hurts when we hit bottom like that. The thing is? The only way out is up from here. Instead of letting the insecurities of 10 year old you creep back up, go for a walk. Do something to keep you moving and try to push back those thoughts. You're a beautiful person no matter what those people say, but making a healthy change sometimes is necessary. If you can't ignore their hurtful (even if they mean the best, it can still be hurtful) words, use those to fuel you to push forward. There are a lot of people around here going through the same thing so if you have to, lean on us!
  • Gigi_licious
    Gigi_licious Posts: 1,185 Member
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    Big hugs to you. You can do it!
  • Millie77
    Millie77 Posts: 39
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    Sorry that happened to you. You deserve better!! Your mom could've handled that differently, and I don't think your "friend" is any really friend of yours. A friend wouldn't hurt you. There are ways of saying things that is loving, instead of hateful. You can do this. Do it for your health, not for acceptance. Those that matter don't care and those that care don't matter. Love that saying. If people truly love you, they don't care about your appearance. Good luck with your journey!!
  • sykin
    sykin Posts: 1,676 Member
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    I agree with what the person above me said. It really sucks to have people tell you you're fat (god knows we all know when we reach that point) but only you can change it. I have a household of people who do not eat healthy. I am the only one. I've had to gain some willpower to not eat the chocolate cake that's been on my counter for a week. Or the candy my son keeps asking me if I want to try. When you believe you can do it, you can. It's hard, but the struggle is worth it. Just take baby steps. Start small. Cut your portions in half of the things you can live without. You'll get there :)
  • rileysowner
    rileysowner Posts: 8,241 Member
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    That would be tough to hear, but turn it into motivation. You can lose the weight. It will require changing your lifestyle and eating patterns, but this site can help a lot with that. Start logging everything you eat. Start measuring your servings carefully. Start getting active. You can do this.
  • megz4987
    megz4987 Posts: 1,008 Member
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    You CAN do it, it IS possible. Your mom seems like a good support system, talk to her about your concerns about the food in the house and see what the two of you can change. Its never a bad thing to help everyone change their eating habits (and remember, incase anyone complains about the food change,you're not doing it TO them, you're doing it FOR them)
  • rorosaw
    rorosaw Posts: 360 Member
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    Aww, sweetie--wish I could give you a big hug right now. So sorry you're feeling the way you are. I think we can all empathize with your feelings. Feel free to add me as a friend. I'd be happy to support you in any way I can. The support I've found on this site has done wonders for me.

    Remember, you are worth it.

    :flowerforyou:
  • anthony438
    anthony438 Posts: 578 Member
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    You can do this!!! You know it as well as we do. It's tough and there will be some stumbles along the way, but you're worth it. Just do your best and never lose sight of your goal.

    Remember, it's about progression, not perfection
  • CaptainMFP
    CaptainMFP Posts: 440 Member
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    For everyone who begins this journey, there is an "Aha" moment where we wake up. It is almost never a pleasant one. For my wife, it was a conversation with a nasty dress maker. For me it was a trip to the emergency room. It always breaks my heart to hear a story like yours, but there is a silver lining. You have decided that YOU want to change. This is empowerment, because YOU are putting yourself in control. I wish I could tell you that the beginning of this journey were easy or painless, but neither will be true. I can tell you it is WORTH THE EFFORT. You have come to a place where you will find support from people who are going or have gone through what you are feeling. You are not alone and YOU can do this. We are here for you so lean on us and don't give up on yourself. And I will say it sounds like you have some support in your corner at home between your mom and friends. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that, so that gives you an edge. Good luck on your journey...you have taken the first and most important step: You have decided to start. God bless and good luck. Feel free to add me as a friend if you are looking for support here.
  • u2fergus
    u2fergus Posts: 422 Member
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    Well... these people may have said stuff in the worst possible way and that is ALWAYS hurtful when it happens, but maybe use your anger/hurt and turn it into determination to make yourself the best you can be. You CAN do something about it (in fact, you're the only one who can do something about it), so use this web site to help you and just stick with it. Start developing a new good eating/exercising habit each week and break a bad habit every week, along with it. Believe me, I know it's HARD to do, but it IS possible! Also, try listening to the people on here and taking your inspiration from here, if your family/friends are not being very supportive right now. It helps to have people in it with you, and there are thousands of us on here who are going through exactly the same thing as you are right now.
  • cathyg18
    cathyg18 Posts: 150 Member
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    I feel your hurt. I really do. But do you know what the difference is today? It's a new day and you can make a change. You can start out small and work up form there. Start by cooking your own meals. Sandwiches are ok, but there are lower calorie choices out there. Instead of bread, you could use a tortilla wrap or they now have these flat buns that are only 100 calorie per roll. There is SO much help and support on here. Everyone is different and I just know that you will be able to find out what works for you. And ...yes! Lots and lots of water.

    Also, maybe start going for short walks to start out with or what ever activity you like to do. It's amazing what just walking can do. When I was at my heaviest (300+ about 10 years ago) I started walking 15 minutes in the am, 20 min over my lunch break and another 15 min in the afternoon. I was able to drop 50 lbs with in just a few short months. Feel free to friend me if you like. With all the support and motivation on this site, anything is possible! You can do this! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • kmtetour
    kmtetour Posts: 300 Member
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    Oh, sweetie. I feel for you. It's so difficult to be in this place. Just remember you need to love yourself. You need to do this for you. It will never work if you're doing it to make your loved one's think better of you. This is about you and no one else. You are a gorgeous woman, and people will see that if you believe it.

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