Family looking down on you, what do you do?
Leoturi
Posts: 49 Member
I got a question for all you folks. How do you cope with someone that puts you down and makes you feel horrible for bettering yourself? My sister seems to hate the fact that I'm losing weight. I've been living with her for the last 4 months or so, and she has been increasingly hostile towards me when it comes anything food or weight related. I weigh all my food and weigh everything I cook. This pisses her off to no end, to the point that she makes fun of me most of the time doing it. Usually, I don't mind, I just let it go and blow it off. But today, today was extra special for her. She decided to cook tonight, which is very rare around here. I started measuring what she was making and she tore my head off about it. How stupid I am, how she isn't allowing me to do that to "her" meal, on and on, with tons of cursing and yelling. I don't know how to feel about it. Why the heck is she so mad about it? How does my desire for losing weight and wanting to be healthy affect her at all? 95% of the time, she doesn't even see me do the calculations or weighing stuff. It is usually done before I cook anything. I just don't get it. Sorry for the venting, but I'm truly lost on how to go about fixing this, without stopping what I do. And I already know if I stop keeping track of what I'm doing, I will balloon right back. I'm down to 219 as of this morning, and I am so proud of myself. And yet, I feel horrible for doing what I do, because it upsets her so much.
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Replies
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Does your sister have some weight to lose as well? Sometimes watching someone succeed, and seeing the hard work that does go into, can just be a reminder to others that they might have similar goals and are not ready for the challenge.
Or she is just mean, I dunno.
Do your thing. Tell her it's important to you. Tell her you are sorry for making her uncomfortable while she was cooking, and thank you for the meal. If you would like to continue weighing your food when she cooks, ask her how you can do it in a way that will not upset her.7 -
I can never make my family happy. It's either omg your fat, you eat like crap, what about when you use to work out. Do you even know what aveggie is. Lose 70 lbs, omg are you eating? What do you eat in a day? Are you really eating. My solution... I cut there toxic *kitten* out!!! Lol7
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Firstly - whatever happens you can not stop doing what you are doing. This is your life, health and future at stake here and you can't drop this just to appease her.
It is difficult to offer a view without really understanding your relationship with her and/or her own weight position. If for instance the dynamic with her has always been her in charge and you being more passive, she may be behaving the way she is because she sees you gaining more confidence and that is making her feel that she may be losing you in some way.
Or, if she is overweight herself and wanting to do something, she could be irritated by your determination and constant focus on weight loss because it highlights her own lack of addressing issues.
Or, it could just be that after 4 months of living with her, she is just a little bit fed up and irritated and she is using your diet as a an outlet for her irritation.
Whatever the reason, you can only know for sure by talking with her. She needs to know how important this is to you and how you want her to support something which is ultimately going to make you be around for longer, healthier and happier - she should want that too (?) you need to pick a time to talk to her when you haven't just had a disagreement about anything ... maybe get out of the house and go somewhere to sit down and chat.7 -
I wonder if would be better not to live together. Sometimes a little space is a good thing.5
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Family, LOL well, if I pleased my family they would all be standing with one foot on my neck. Blow it off - avoid meal time with her if you can. Don't even breathe about food or weight with her, keep it to yourself and if she persists, just sit her down and explain you have set some healthy living goals for yourself and you need her support and would she like to join you?3
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My sister is overweight yes. Actually, a couple weeks ago I passed her weight as I was losing it. Found it out from my father one day because she overheard me talking to him about it and she complained to him about it. That is likely part of the problem, but I know it isn't the root, as this has been going on for months now. I was 268 when I came down here to visit in February and wound up staying because she needed help with her kids. I do so much for her, and it bugs me so much that she feels this way.
I have been trying my best to avoid any conversations about my weight or about my calorie goals or weighing food for a month or so, but usually, if she sees me weighing it, or doing calculations, she starts up about it. I tried talking to her about it a couple weeks ago, and she thinks what I'm doing is really dumb and stupid, and that I'm not living my life. She gets mad when I go out for my walks, even though I go out at night after her kids go to bed as to not leave them stranded in any way. I cook almost all the time for her, I clean for her, do her laundry, because she doesn't want to, or can't be bothered to unless she has to. I get that she works, but to me, it is no excuse to drop everything else. And it isn't like I mind doing it for her. I actually enjoy it honestly. It is just the principal of the matter that I don't deserve to be treated that way.
I've been disabled for 15 years. I have had my life taken away from me due to a horrible disease, and it went into remission in late November. I refuse to live life being confined to a chair, or a house. I really hated who I was when I was heavy. I was lazy, unmotivated, depressed, and felt pretty pathetic about my situation and life. I don't feel sick anymore, and I refuse to not give life everything I got. It is one of the major reasons I push so hard. I want to be healthy again. I want to feel good inside and out, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from achieving that.
For now, I blow it off and do my best to let it go, but I'm not going to lie, it is hard for me. I take everything so seriously, and it is a fault of mine I know. People have put me down my whole life. Even my ex-wife put me down and ridiculed me, so I'm just used to this kind of treatment. I just don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be put down, I don't want to feel like I'm a horrible person. I want to be positive, and happy, and feel like I can conquer anything. I think deep down, it just bothers me, that no matter how hard I try, people are probably still going to be that way to me, and it is hard to accept.9 -
Shes jealous. Its that simple!
You don't have to be "used to" this type of treatment.
You are not a horrible person, are you really going to let them make you feel that bad that you won't achieve your goals, just to make them happy!?
I'd just smile to yourself and know you are making yourself happy and overcoming your own obstacles!
Either that,or put her in her place
If she says "weighing stuff out is stupid" respond with something like "well it make be stupid but it works, I don't see you losing any pounds"
If they want to treat you like €rap then I'd do the same back, they should soon stop! And tell them the truth if she asks why you're being harsh and tell them that they always take the p!ss out of you so you're gonna do it back,see how they like it!3 -
My dad pretty much hates me. Has nothing to do with diet, I just can't help but think about it when fathers day rolls around. :-( Also, I know what it's like to live with someone who is always negative. It has nothing to do with you. They are just mean, jealous, and in love with the sound of their own voice. I'm sorry you are in this situation. The only thing that helped me was moving away and limiting time talking with said person cuz they even love to argue via txt lol!3
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Sometimes ur just surrounded by *kitten* holes. That could make anyone depressed. My sister has been that way since birth I think! Some people will never change. Just remember that u have an identity outside of ur relationship with her. You can leave eventually too.5
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My sister is overweight yes. Actually, a couple weeks ago I passed her weight as I was losing it. Found it out from my father one day because she overheard me talking to him about it and she complained to him about it. That is likely part of the problem, but I know it isn't the root, as this has been going on for months now. I was 268 when I came down here to visit in February and wound up staying because she needed help with her kids. I do so much for her, and it bugs me so much that she feels this way.
I have been trying my best to avoid any conversations about my weight or about my calorie goals or weighing food for a month or so, but usually, if she sees me weighing it, or doing calculations, she starts up about it. I tried talking to her about it a couple weeks ago, and she thinks what I'm doing is really dumb and stupid, and that I'm not living my life. She gets mad when I go out for my walks, even though I go out at night after her kids go to bed as to not leave them stranded in any way. I cook almost all the time for her, I clean for her, do her laundry, because she doesn't want to, or can't be bothered to unless she has to. I get that she works, but to me, it is no excuse to drop everything else. And it isn't like I mind doing it for her. I actually enjoy it honestly. It is just the principal of the matter that I don't deserve to be treated that way.
I've been disabled for 15 years. I have had my life taken away from me due to a horrible disease, and it went into remission in late November. I refuse to live life being confined to a chair, or a house. I really hated who I was when I was heavy. I was lazy, unmotivated, depressed, and felt pretty pathetic about my situation and life. I don't feel sick anymore, and I refuse to not give life everything I got. It is one of the major reasons I push so hard. I want to be healthy again. I want to feel good inside and out, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from achieving that.
For now, I blow it off and do my best to let it go, but I'm not going to lie, it is hard for me. I take everything so seriously, and it is a fault of mine I know. People have put me down my whole life. Even my ex-wife put me down and ridiculed me, so I'm just used to this kind of treatment. I just don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be put down, I don't want to feel like I'm a horrible person. I want to be positive, and happy, and feel like I can conquer anything. I think deep down, it just bothers me, that no matter how hard I try, people are probably still going to be that way to me, and it is hard to accept.
Perhaps she is more frustrated and angry at herself for needing the help and is taking it out on you because you being there to help is an ongoing reminder of that fact.3 -
There's nothing to be done (tactfully) about people trying to control you. Ignore, avoid, or bull your way through it. If she doesn't like you weighing her meal that she cooked, ask if she'd be less offended if you simply didn't eat it at all, because you don't eat what you don't weigh. Make it her choice, but your options.2
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Just focus on you and your goals! She's definitely jealous because you're doing amazingly well - if she pipes up again, remember, her words go in one ear and out of the other. You're worth so much more than how she's treating you.3
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Or you could try calling her on her behavior, asking "Are you trying to make me unhappy?", "are you trying to make me fatter than you again" , "you sound jealous" etc.4
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I had a similar situation with my wife. We've been doing calorie counting for 4 years now and she is pretty fed up with it which causes conflict because I get accused of being obsessed. So we compromised. We eat according to the meal plan and once a month we go out and have dinner at a place of her choice and I don't *kitten* and moan it.But today, today was extra special for her. She decided to cook tonight, which is very rare around here.
Trust me when I tell you one unweighed meal wont kill you or set you back. She is you sister, surely you could compromise since it rarely happens?
I normally cook too so the arrangement that whoever is not cooking stays out of the kitchen. Causes far less conflict. If, on the odd occasion my wife does make something, I stay out of the kitchen and I eat a moderate portion.
As for her general attitude, have you told her how it makes you feel?3 -
...snipped...
I've been disabled for 15 years. I have had my life taken away from me due to a horrible disease, and it went into remission in late November. I refuse to live life being confined to a chair, or a house. I really hated who I was when I was heavy. I was lazy, unmotivated, depressed, and felt pretty pathetic about my situation and life. I don't feel sick anymore, and I refuse to not give life everything I got. It is one of the major reasons I push so hard. I want to be healthy again. I want to feel good inside and out, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from achieving that.
For now, I blow it off and do my best to let it go, but I'm not going to lie, it is hard for me. I take everything so seriously, and it is a fault of mine I know. People have put me down my whole life. Even my ex-wife put me down and ridiculed me, so I'm just used to this kind of treatment. I just don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be put down, I don't want to feel like I'm a horrible person. I want to be positive, and happy, and feel like I can conquer anything. I think deep down, it just bothers me, that no matter how hard I try, people are probably still going to be that way to me, and it is hard to accept.
I would think that your best approach would be to describe to your sister these two paragraphs above. Your life is about you and your desires, not her and her desires.
After reading your first post I saw valid reason for your to be upset. After reading this I would question any family member that gives you crap for helping after your own long term health issues. If they can't understand you are bettering yourself and accept it, them remind them that they shouldn't exist to keep you down, but rather to support you. That is what families and friends are supposed to be about.6 -
Cut them off. Toxic family is draining and mentally exhusting. Life is better once you cut them out.6
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They can't change you
This is how you live now
You must become the most optimal version of you3 -
I honestly feel like she sees the changes you are making, and because she doesn't like herself and how she is at a standstill, she takes it out on you. Best guess is she has some personal issues and feels like the only way to make you miserable and go back to your old ways if she brings you down.
Miserable people don't want to see you grow and will find the smallest things to try to bring you down. Congrats on all of the weight you lost and pay no mind
, it is hard though, most of us here have been in your exact position one time or another unfortunately. 
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My sister is overweight yes. Actually, a couple weeks ago I passed her weight as I was losing it. Found it out from my father one day because she overheard me talking to him about it and she complained to him about it. That is likely part of the problem, but I know it isn't the root, as this has been going on for months now. I was 268 when I came down here to visit in February and wound up staying because she needed help with her kids. I do so much for her, and it bugs me so much that she feels this way.
I have been trying my best to avoid any conversations about my weight or about my calorie goals or weighing food for a month or so, but usually, if she sees me weighing it, or doing calculations, she starts up about it. I tried talking to her about it a couple weeks ago, and she thinks what I'm doing is really dumb and stupid, and that I'm not living my life. She gets mad when I go out for my walks, even though I go out at night after her kids go to bed as to not leave them stranded in any way. I cook almost all the time for her, I clean for her, do her laundry, because she doesn't want to, or can't be bothered to unless she has to. I get that she works, but to me, it is no excuse to drop everything else. And it isn't like I mind doing it for her. I actually enjoy it honestly. It is just the principal of the matter that I don't deserve to be treated that way.
I've been disabled for 15 years. I have had my life taken away from me due to a horrible disease, and it went into remission in late November. I refuse to live life being confined to a chair, or a house. I really hated who I was when I was heavy. I was lazy, unmotivated, depressed, and felt pretty pathetic about my situation and life. I don't feel sick anymore, and I refuse to not give life everything I got. It is one of the major reasons I push so hard. I want to be healthy again. I want to feel good inside and out, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from achieving that.
For now, I blow it off and do my best to let it go, but I'm not going to lie, it is hard for me. I take everything so seriously, and it is a fault of mine I know. People have put me down my whole life. Even my ex-wife put me down and ridiculed me, so I'm just used to this kind of treatment. I just don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be put down, I don't want to feel like I'm a horrible person. I want to be positive, and happy, and feel like I can conquer anything. I think deep down, it just bothers me, that no matter how hard I try, people are probably still going to be that way to me, and it is hard to accept.
honestly, your sister sounds.......lazy. It also sounds like she's afraid she'll lose her live in maid if you lose the weight and decide to move out. Her excuse to not do housework is because she works? Cry me a river- I work full time and am getting my masters degree and I still make time to keep my house clean and yard maintained.
Are you able to go to a therapist at all? To help learn how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself? Also, are there any assisted living apartments in your area- not a nursing home but like a set of apartments that always have a nurse on call?2 -
My sister is very lazy indeed. Her idea of a day is to go to work, come home, put on PJ's and yell at everyone who tries to make her do something. She has no care about her health, and honestly, most of the time complains about everything. Her husband isn't much better honestly. He is a firefighter, but he doesn't seem to care much either. They live very weirdly if you ask me.
I live down here because the other place I was living up in NJ was far worse. I was living with my father, which was great, but then my other sister moved in, and we don't get along, so I wound up escaping that being down here. Usually, things are fine here. I know my role, my responsibilities and I just do what needs to be done.
You all are likely right that she is jealous. She sees how much work I put in, and refuses to. I've offered to include her, I've even offered to show her how to use MFP, or to weigh things for her back 3 months ago. Even then, it was stupid and takes too much time, and I just love food. I love food too, but I want to make sure I am responsible with eating it. I still eat horribly as far as the types of food go. Dinner is always something fattening and not the healthiest, but with MFP, I can at least moderate how much of it I eat, and it has worked wonders for me.
I am actually looking into my own place now. Last night has hit a line for me that I'm not going to tolerate living this way anymore. I've been on disability, so my income is very limited, but I'm thinking of talking to social security and seeing how to transition back to work. If I don't feel sick anymore, there is no reason I can't go back to work and actually make my own way in life. My plan originally was to wait until my dad sold his house up in NJ, and then live with him down here in SC with the new home we are planning on buying. But life changes as they say, and I think I may need to do this for myself. I've taken control of my diet, and my weight, and my health, I think it may be the time I take more control of my living situation and life.20 -
Yes @Leoturi You wish family would be altruistic and always wish the best for you, but some people are just a little more self centred.
My own mother started to sabotage my food choices as soon as I became slimmer than her.
Family can be replaced. Find a club or activity where you can meet genuinely nice people. Personally I look out for mutually lonely people. We can help each other!1 -
I do wish that. I try my best to be there for them and to help them in any way I can. Yet no one is ever willing to support or help me. I have always found that funny. Even my friends are that way, I find it strange. I'm a lonely person because I get tired of trying and always getting hurt. Strange how a lifetime of that can change a person. I do try not to let it get me down though. I find I'm happier doing my own thing anyway nowadays, which is nice.0
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I do wish that. I try my best to be there for them and to help them in any way I can. Yet no one is ever willing to support or help me. I have always found that funny. Even my friends are that way, I find it strange. I'm a lonely person because I get tired of trying and always getting hurt. Strange how a lifetime of that can change a person. I do try not to let it get me down though. I find I'm happier doing my own thing anyway nowadays, which is nice.
I would second therapy if you can afford it or if not, at least reading some self help books on the subject.
I bolded the above because people who struggle setting boundaries or have toxic relationships with family often have the same in romantic relationships or with friends because it's all they know. It isn't your fault, but it is something you can work on and correct because you don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone - family or not.1 -
Oh. My. Gosh.
Leoturi,
I just wanted to say you are an amazing person. I am sorry you are having to live in such a negative environment. You have been thrown such insane hurdles and challenges, you are an inspiration.
Good for you for taking charge of your life and wanting to heal your body. From what I can see, you are an extremely dedicated and patient person and I hope you can get out of that environment right away.
Insecurity and jealousy, can really bring out the ugly in people. They will belittle you and bring you down to their level in order for them to feel better and to see you fail. Family or not, distancing yourself from that type of negativity is the best thing you can do for your health. You should not have to endure anything. What you are doing is not hurting your sister in any way, and if she can’t talk to you like a real person without shouting or support you doing something positive for your life, that tells me she is not only selfish, but she is not willing to negotiate or listen to reason.
You keep working toward your goals and never give up. The fact that you are disabled and doing this is astounding and you should feel proud and hold your head high. You are taking control of your life and will get better.
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Taking the steps to move into your own apartment and transition back to work now that you're asymptomatic shows you're solving your problem. That should give you an optimistic boost in this very awful situation. And it shows you're made of the right stuff.
Your sister has an intact family with a provider husband. Not sure why you, suffering from a chronic disease and disabled, would have to move in and help her with her kids.
Thank you for the kind words. I am trying hard. My goal is that by the end of summer I will be employed again, and working. I'm already going back to school, and am seeking a degree in psychology. To your other point, because her husband does nothing for her. He is rarely here, and when he is, he is just as lazy as she is. He also has a huge issue managing money and spends almost all of their money the moment it hits the bank on stupid things. I wind up giving a good portion of my money to help cover food expenses because frankly, he doesn't care if there is food in the house or not. I tolerate him because he is my sister's husband, but in truth, I don't like him, and he is pretty useless when it comes to being a father and husband.
My situation has been toxic for so long I've grown used to it. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-wife, for years, due to my disability, so I've just come to expect people to not treat me properly. Most people just look down on me, because I'm unable to do what they need. Now that I can do for myself, and can do a lot more than I used to, things are definitely different. Within me, I don't wish to be treated that way anymore, and I am trying to find the strength to stand up for myself. I feel that I may mess up my relationship with my sister, but I think I may have to risk it to get out from under this. I want more out of my life than being made fun of or ridiculed.
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I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs you to help but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.1 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs too but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.
^^^^ This!!!! ^^^^0 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs you to help but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.
That is what I'm afraid of, and why I haven't really done anything as of yet. The guilt and backlash are hard for me. I usually cave under it, and I know I can't this time. I do feel bad for the kids, and they are a big reason why I haven't just packed my bags and left. They are out of school for the summer, and nowhere to go, so that is what I'm here for. They love me, and I know if I did just up and leave, it would really hurt them. So my plan is to find somewhere around here for the time being until my dad's plans come to pass. Though, the more I think about, the more I wonder if I should even break off that path, and forge my own path, on my own. I promised my mom I would take care of him for her when she passed away, and I'm not usually one to break my word. But complete freedom is likely my best chance to achieve my goals, and make a new life for myself. Tough decisions are ahead I sense.1 -
@Leoturi
I am very sorry about what is happening to you. Don't let bad actions or words keep you away from your goals.
However, and with respect to what you posted in your OP: " today was extra special for her. She decided to cook tonight, which is very rare around here. I started measuring what she was making and she tore my head off about it...", I have to agree with your sister. She was doing the cooking and measuring stuff for her was like stepping in her turf (her house and kitchen too), unless you asked her and she said that it was ok.
My husband prepares breakfast every morning; he doens't weight or measure anything. If I were to ask him to do it he would walk out of the kitchen and never try again. I prefer to estimate my breakfast rather than cook it.
I cook lunch and dinner and he doesn't interfere with my cooking. We both have the rule of one person at the time doing the cooking. Help is only allowed it if needed and requested.
Maybe next time you can ask her if you could weight or measure the ingredients; but if she says no, just walk away and try to estimate the best you can, eat less, or don't eat your exercises calories..0
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