Family looking down on you, what do you do?
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Yes @Leoturi You wish family would be altruistic and always wish the best for you, but some people are just a little more self centred.
My own mother started to sabotage my food choices as soon as I became slimmer than her.
Family can be replaced. Find a club or activity where you can meet genuinely nice people. Personally I look out for mutually lonely people. We can help each other!1 -
I do wish that. I try my best to be there for them and to help them in any way I can. Yet no one is ever willing to support or help me. I have always found that funny. Even my friends are that way, I find it strange. I'm a lonely person because I get tired of trying and always getting hurt. Strange how a lifetime of that can change a person. I do try not to let it get me down though. I find I'm happier doing my own thing anyway nowadays, which is nice.0
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I do wish that. I try my best to be there for them and to help them in any way I can. Yet no one is ever willing to support or help me. I have always found that funny. Even my friends are that way, I find it strange. I'm a lonely person because I get tired of trying and always getting hurt. Strange how a lifetime of that can change a person. I do try not to let it get me down though. I find I'm happier doing my own thing anyway nowadays, which is nice.
I would second therapy if you can afford it or if not, at least reading some self help books on the subject.
I bolded the above because people who struggle setting boundaries or have toxic relationships with family often have the same in romantic relationships or with friends because it's all they know. It isn't your fault, but it is something you can work on and correct because you don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone - family or not.1 -
Oh. My. Gosh.
Leoturi,
I just wanted to say you are an amazing person. I am sorry you are having to live in such a negative environment. You have been thrown such insane hurdles and challenges, you are an inspiration.
Good for you for taking charge of your life and wanting to heal your body. From what I can see, you are an extremely dedicated and patient person and I hope you can get out of that environment right away.
Insecurity and jealousy, can really bring out the ugly in people. They will belittle you and bring you down to their level in order for them to feel better and to see you fail. Family or not, distancing yourself from that type of negativity is the best thing you can do for your health. You should not have to endure anything. What you are doing is not hurting your sister in any way, and if she can’t talk to you like a real person without shouting or support you doing something positive for your life, that tells me she is not only selfish, but she is not willing to negotiate or listen to reason.
You keep working toward your goals and never give up. The fact that you are disabled and doing this is astounding and you should feel proud and hold your head high. You are taking control of your life and will get better.
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Taking the steps to move into your own apartment and transition back to work now that you're asymptomatic shows you're solving your problem. That should give you an optimistic boost in this very awful situation. And it shows you're made of the right stuff.
Your sister has an intact family with a provider husband. Not sure why you, suffering from a chronic disease and disabled, would have to move in and help her with her kids.
Thank you for the kind words. I am trying hard. My goal is that by the end of summer I will be employed again, and working. I'm already going back to school, and am seeking a degree in psychology. To your other point, because her husband does nothing for her. He is rarely here, and when he is, he is just as lazy as she is. He also has a huge issue managing money and spends almost all of their money the moment it hits the bank on stupid things. I wind up giving a good portion of my money to help cover food expenses because frankly, he doesn't care if there is food in the house or not. I tolerate him because he is my sister's husband, but in truth, I don't like him, and he is pretty useless when it comes to being a father and husband.
My situation has been toxic for so long I've grown used to it. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-wife, for years, due to my disability, so I've just come to expect people to not treat me properly. Most people just look down on me, because I'm unable to do what they need. Now that I can do for myself, and can do a lot more than I used to, things are definitely different. Within me, I don't wish to be treated that way anymore, and I am trying to find the strength to stand up for myself. I feel that I may mess up my relationship with my sister, but I think I may have to risk it to get out from under this. I want more out of my life than being made fun of or ridiculed.
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I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs you to help but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.1 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs too but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.
^^^^ This!!!! ^^^^0 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs you to help but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.
That is what I'm afraid of, and why I haven't really done anything as of yet. The guilt and backlash are hard for me. I usually cave under it, and I know I can't this time. I do feel bad for the kids, and they are a big reason why I haven't just packed my bags and left. They are out of school for the summer, and nowhere to go, so that is what I'm here for. They love me, and I know if I did just up and leave, it would really hurt them. So my plan is to find somewhere around here for the time being until my dad's plans come to pass. Though, the more I think about, the more I wonder if I should even break off that path, and forge my own path, on my own. I promised my mom I would take care of him for her when she passed away, and I'm not usually one to break my word. But complete freedom is likely my best chance to achieve my goals, and make a new life for myself. Tough decisions are ahead I sense.1 -
@Leoturi
I am very sorry about what is happening to you. Don't let bad actions or words keep you away from your goals.
However, and with respect to what you posted in your OP: " today was extra special for her. She decided to cook tonight, which is very rare around here. I started measuring what she was making and she tore my head off about it...", I have to agree with your sister. She was doing the cooking and measuring stuff for her was like stepping in her turf (her house and kitchen too), unless you asked her and she said that it was ok.
My husband prepares breakfast every morning; he doens't weight or measure anything. If I were to ask him to do it he would walk out of the kitchen and never try again. I prefer to estimate my breakfast rather than cook it.
I cook lunch and dinner and he doesn't interfere with my cooking. We both have the rule of one person at the time doing the cooking. Help is only allowed it if needed and requested.
Maybe next time you can ask her if you could weight or measure the ingredients; but if she says no, just walk away and try to estimate the best you can, eat less, or don't eat your exercises calories..0 -
I'm sorry to say this and maybe I'm the only person who feels this way, but from what I have read...you believe your friends and family ALL treat you poorly. This is rarely something that is fact. Most likely it is your own state of mind. You may want to take a look at your own behaviors. Are you being too judgemental-do you really stand up to your own expectation of others? You said you don't work, but you do housework. It's exhausting to do both. As someone who only works part time I can't imagine how frustrating it would be trying to manage a household when working full time with children. I, too, am disabled. I have epilepsy and am recovering from knee issues. And I know it is very easy to get into the mode of playing the victim, especially when the world around me tells me that I am one. However, it really seems like you have a view that everyone dislikes you, which is on you to fix and no one else.
Also, who are any of us to judge someone who is overweight and making petty comments? My friends, I can almost guarantee that when we were all overweight and unwilling to work on it we did exactly what your sister is doing.
If you feel lonely in life try being more positive. Positive people attract positive people.
In the mean time just let it go, stop complaining, and just keep doing you.
Now let the hate comments begin.0 -
No hate Laura. You are partly right. I don't think they hate me or not love me, but I find that I annoy them sometimes with what I do. While I can understand the point Gisel is making, it is hard to have such disregard for my health too. I feel if she cared enough about me, she would do it out of respect for me, or at the very least let me do what I was doing before she started cooking. It wasn't like she was in the middle of cooking and I asked. I started calculating things before she even got into the kitchen to cook. I asked her what she put in it and that is how it started.
I don't expect her to change any, and I know deep down she loves me. We just butt heads a lot when it comes to weight loss and me weighing my stuff. It pisses her off, and truthfully I have no idea why. I know if she needed me to do something like that for her, I would. But we are very different people, and I know that. I've come to accept that this journey is mine alone, and I'm alright with that. I try hard not to be judgemental, but I'm sure I am sometimes. I think we all are at some point. I do the best I can, and I can be happy about that.
I do get that it is exhausting to do both, and that is why I help her out so much. Since I'm not working quite yet, I let the housework and child care be my job. I do it out of love, for her and her kids, just like I do pretty much everything in life. I'm a very caring and loving person. It is my nature to help out, and do what I can to make other people's lives easier.0 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »I would say do for yourself and get back on your feet and move out. you can continue to help with the kids if you want because the kids didnt ask for lazy selfish parents. but in the mean time if she says anything about how you eat and weighing your food, just tell her you are doing it for you,so you can lose the weight and feel better, its something you want to do and you want to be healthy. your sister is taking you for granted but yet she wants to abuse you in more ways than one.
my mother is like that and you really cant have a relationship with people who are like this. They like to play the victim and turn their issues around on you and make it seem like its your fault. You have to do whats good for your well being and your health including mental health.I had to cut my mom and 2 of my sisters out of my life because of their jealousy over stupid little things and always trying to put me down and making me feel bad.Its also easier to stick to your weight loss goals and getting healthier without all the negative comments as well.
your sister and brother in law are going to have to figure out how to be adults without you there,she may plead for you not to leave and so on and claim she needs you to help but you have to do whats good for you and she needs to grow up so be prepared for a lot of backlash,guilt trips and so on coming from her. NO ONE should be treated like that ever. You will feel better once you are out of the situation and can stand on your own two feet and live YOUR life.
That is what I'm afraid of, and why I haven't really done anything as of yet. The guilt and backlash are hard for me. I usually cave under it, and I know I can't this time. I do feel bad for the kids, and they are a big reason why I haven't just packed my bags and left. They are out of school for the summer, and nowhere to go, so that is what I'm here for. They love me, and I know if I did just up and leave, it would really hurt them. So my plan is to find somewhere around here for the time being until my dad's plans come to pass. Though, the more I think about, the more I wonder if I should even break off that path, and forge my own path, on my own. I promised my mom I would take care of him for her when she passed away, and I'm not usually one to break my word. But complete freedom is likely my best chance to achieve my goals, and make a new life for myself. Tough decisions are ahead I sense.
yeah its hard when kids are involved and as for your dad didnt you say your sister lived with him? if neither living arrangement is good for you and your mental health then I would break off on my own. you can look in on your dad if you want.but your mom is no longer here and if you cant take care of your dad its not breaking your promise. we have to do what is good for us,not everyone else. everyone is an adult and some of them will have to figure out their own way to do things. I dont know your dads situation so I cant say what you should do there. But weigh all the pros and cons and see which one benefits you for the better.you have to think about you for a change,and its not being selfish. you have one life to live and it should not be full of regrets,what ifs,etc.0 -
First, you are doing great, don't let this knock you off course! You got this!
Great comments above and a lot to take away and help.
I think a lot of people wish they had what it takes to do what we are all doing - and because they don't, they put those of us trying our hardest down. Whatever their reason, it's their issue and not yours. You need to accept that is who she is and that regardless of that, you are going to be the best you can be.
All the the best!
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Family is that situation where you can yruely show your true colors. Either by expressing true love and intimacy OR jealously and hatefulness..
When i was younger i had such low self esteem at school, i was bullied daily and the only way i could greet any kind of power back was to take it out on my sister. Any kind of happiness she had i tried to squash it.
Would i act like that to anyone i met? Hell no.
It sounds like your sister is doing that exact same thing.
If she does have any shred of adult left id sit down with her. 'Sister when you do X it teally hurts me... im trying to do this because i dont want to be ill anymore....' heck if u can then say let's do it together? Have a mini goal together?
I think if she does cook once in a blue moon...say thanks and eat it....one meals not going to go off track...go out to dinner... you may have bonded over food n now thats gone?
Either way say your peace see how it goes n if she's still manipulative move out and help her kids when YOU want to...ve careful shes using u whenever she wants n treats you like crap1 -
@Leoturi You need to move out on your own and surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Your sister is a negative influence that could affect your success. Let her deal with her own issues, including her kids. It's not your problem. Really. Continued success on your weightloss journey!
Michelle 0 -
Keep doing what your doing! It is hard, but your making the right choices! Your the only one who has to live YOUR life! Go for the gold! You got this! Jealousy is an evil bug, unfortunately you can't make everyone happy. You have to take care of yourself and continue your journey to a healthy lifestyle. By the sounds of it, you need to because you may end up taking care of your sister and/or her kids! Stay strong you got this!0
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Thanks everyone for all the encouragement. I feel a lot better about this situation and from your advice have found a few new ways to tackle this in a better manner. All of you are so awesome.0
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