Tired of being a yo yo! Fighting the battle of being happy with me when husband wants me thinner:(

I have dealt with weight issues all my life. I am the epitome of the yo yo! I have always gone from thin to heavy to thin and so forth. I also have struggled with self-esteem and body image issues. Was at one point anorexic and now to heavy. I am 49 and 5'7". I have weighed anywhere from 94lbs to 183 at this height. I never want to go back to being to thin but I do recognize the need to lose weight and be healthy. My struggle is to balance being healthy but not going overboard. When I diet I tend to have problems losing weight unless I am really restrictive. Once I start to lose I find my mindset starts to go back to my days of being anorexic and it scares me so I tend to start being less restrictive and my weight climbs and I give up. But then I get drepressed either because I don't like how I look or my husband who likes me thin, thinner than I should be even, says something that drives me either to eat or start losing and becoming unhealthy. Tired of the cycle and tired of not feeling loved for who I am, not how I look. Would love friends for support and encouragement.