Fat F*cking Failure
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JimieLou
Posts: 273 Member
I'm loser. A fat f*cking loser. A f*cking failure. A disgusting mess of a person. But I also know that this fat gross body carried me on a 13 mile hike last Saturday, so I know I am also strong.
I have done it. I have hit the bottom. I have nowhere to go but up. I'm so disgusted by myself. I lost 20 pounds between December and February for my wedding by working out and eating healthy. We got back from our Hawaii wedding and I gained it all back plus 30 more....that's 50 pounds since February. How does that even happen?!?!?
My body hurts when I wake up in the morning, I know it's because I'm so fat and my bones have to carry all this weight around. I know I must change or I'll never survive snocross season this winter.
My husband must be disgusted by me, although he's gained weight too since we got married, it's just not as noticeable as mine. My belly used to be someflat, albiet it was big, it just wasn't protruding. Most of my weight was in my boobs, butt and hips/thighs. Now my belly protrudes. My back rolls poke through my shirt. I look gross. I hate myself for letting me go back to this.
My world has been turned completely upside down though. I'm not going to make excuses though. The company that my husband worked for abrtuptly closed leaving him unemployed. He struggled to find a job and couldn't so we started our own construction company. It's a very stressful process. The thing that hit me the hardest was that my father worked for the same company. My husband applied for a maintenance position at the hospital and my mother made my father apply for it behind our backs as well. They gave the job to my dad. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy my father got a job, it's just frustrating to me that they would do that. My dad is a year away from being able to retire and I know they have enough money in savings to be able to live more than comfortably. Here we are a newly married couple with very little to our name.
My relationship with my family has been strained ever since then. They don't understand why I'm upset. They haven't really spoken to me since the last day of my school year when they helped me clean out my classroom...oh yea, I resigned from my teaching position to take a job in a neighboring district. (So much happening all at once.)
But this is me turning over a new leaf. I know noone will read it, but I'm going to blog anyways. Years ago when I lost over 80 pounds I blogged all the time. It was nice to be able to vent. I think it played a part in my succes...ya know, let it all go.
I HAVE to lose the weight this time. I'm only 32 years old. I don't want to develop diabetes (it runs deep in my family) I don't want to die. I don't want to be fat anymore.
My husbands friend is getting married in Florida in May, so for now that's my long term goal. I am going to make several short term goals as well.
No excuses this time. I must push myself until I see results. I KNOW I can do this. I've been somewhat successful so many times before I just haven't kept with it....NOW is the time.
I have done it. I have hit the bottom. I have nowhere to go but up. I'm so disgusted by myself. I lost 20 pounds between December and February for my wedding by working out and eating healthy. We got back from our Hawaii wedding and I gained it all back plus 30 more....that's 50 pounds since February. How does that even happen?!?!?
My body hurts when I wake up in the morning, I know it's because I'm so fat and my bones have to carry all this weight around. I know I must change or I'll never survive snocross season this winter.
My husband must be disgusted by me, although he's gained weight too since we got married, it's just not as noticeable as mine. My belly used to be someflat, albiet it was big, it just wasn't protruding. Most of my weight was in my boobs, butt and hips/thighs. Now my belly protrudes. My back rolls poke through my shirt. I look gross. I hate myself for letting me go back to this.
My world has been turned completely upside down though. I'm not going to make excuses though. The company that my husband worked for abrtuptly closed leaving him unemployed. He struggled to find a job and couldn't so we started our own construction company. It's a very stressful process. The thing that hit me the hardest was that my father worked for the same company. My husband applied for a maintenance position at the hospital and my mother made my father apply for it behind our backs as well. They gave the job to my dad. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy my father got a job, it's just frustrating to me that they would do that. My dad is a year away from being able to retire and I know they have enough money in savings to be able to live more than comfortably. Here we are a newly married couple with very little to our name.
My relationship with my family has been strained ever since then. They don't understand why I'm upset. They haven't really spoken to me since the last day of my school year when they helped me clean out my classroom...oh yea, I resigned from my teaching position to take a job in a neighboring district. (So much happening all at once.)
But this is me turning over a new leaf. I know noone will read it, but I'm going to blog anyways. Years ago when I lost over 80 pounds I blogged all the time. It was nice to be able to vent. I think it played a part in my succes...ya know, let it all go.
I HAVE to lose the weight this time. I'm only 32 years old. I don't want to develop diabetes (it runs deep in my family) I don't want to die. I don't want to be fat anymore.
My husbands friend is getting married in Florida in May, so for now that's my long term goal. I am going to make several short term goals as well.
No excuses this time. I must push myself until I see results. I KNOW I can do this. I've been somewhat successful so many times before I just haven't kept with it....NOW is the time.
8
Replies
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Haha you call yourself fat but by the sound of it you are NO failure.
Sounds like you know exactly what you have to do, a lot of people fall short of that.
Blog, type paragraphs, yell and screem. Do what you gotta do8 -
You just stop that RIGHT NOW. Would you talk like that about or to a dear friend who was struggling? Vent all you want, but calling yourself hard names doesn't do you or anyone any good.
Start over. Blog all you want; it's great for venting and getting thoughts clear, I do that myself. (Just don't call yourself names.) Work out a food and exercise program for yourself and begin with a tall cool glass of water or iced tea or something. Take a walk someplace green, if you can. You have a good clear head on your shoulders, and you're right, you can do this.3 -
Now that you've had a chance to vent, get back to what you used to do. Eat healthy and work out. Don't like working out? Eating healthy does the trick. Use My Fitness Pal to track what you eat.1
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Jimmie Lou the friend of mine was fine one day and the next day not, then the next day diagnosed with a brain tumor then the next couple of months dead.
Get some perspective. Living is winning. Win well.4 -
Your future looks bright to me!! Nowhere to go but up lady!! Feel free to friend me for support.
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You can do it! Hitting "rock bottom" is motivation for so many things and you're not alone in feeling that way. Hope you do something where you can maintain the weight loss, can just be diet and counting calories like so many using MFP. I'd say "good luck," but luck is really not a factor.
You can do this! 1 -
People are reading and behind you. Im here for myself and my daughter! We have these discussions regularly. Sometimes you just need a good cry and then back to work1
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You're being awfully hard on yourself! Yes, there are changes you need to make to be healthier and things are tough right now, but they'll get better. Just don't let the negative self-talk get in your way. How about saying how awesome you are for taking charge of your health? What about how incredible you are for supporting your partner through these hard times? It's got to be tough on him to not be contributing financially like he was before.
My guess is you're the only one who finds you disgusting. So, please stop with all the insults. They serve no purpose except to hurt you and you deserve better! 2 -
Self worth, self respect and self love have one thing in common, "Self."
For years, I let myself get fatter and fatter and fatter. You know how many of those years I called myself a loser, told myself I was a failure, or referred to myself as gross?
NONE.
Because I wasn't... I'm not... and neither are you.
What stands out to me about your post is how it seems that you're forgetting one of the most important pieces of the puzzle. Your mind. Filling your head with thoughts like that? Might as well shoot yourself in the foot before hitting the gym while you're at it.
You want to make a change? Start there.2 -
You are no failure.
Your next step is to stop putting yourself down because a negative attitude will hold you back. You aren't a loser, you aren't a failure, and you aren't a disgusting mess of a person.
Take this emotion, and turn it in to a positive. You aren't a mess; you are on a journey to a healthier version of you.
Get yourself friended and grouped up on here because that support is immensely important.
Next: Educate yourself. Learn about BMR, TDEE, macros, etc. Most importantly: Don't starve yourself. And exercise: A mix of weights and cardio.
And most of all: Enjoy the journey. It will be immensely satisfying as you hit your goals.1 -
I have done it. I have hit the bottom. I have nowhere to go but up. I'm so disgusted by myself.
Good. Get on it.
Obviously these kind of feelings over the long term are not likely to be beneficial.
But as a short term feeling it can prompt action and commitment leading to results. And success begets success.
3 -
I have good news! You hit rock bottom. So the only way is UP.
Now DO IT! Make some goals and form some habits to get to those goals. One day at a time, one mouthful at a time, one choice at a time.2
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