Depression

I suffer too, though I don't take meds - just talk therapy.

Don't have much advice on the matter, but you're not alone!

Just a thought. Consider the process. If you've built your body, you've learned the process. Do you have other goals in your life where you can apply the same process?

The gym is a great teacher of incrementalism, small regular steps to a goal.

I urge you to check out John Bradshaw, author of the book, healing the shame that binds you.

here is a youtube clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q

From the book - (sometimes you can find pdf copies)

Neurotic Syndromes Of Shame

What is the shame that binds you? How did it get set up in your life? What happens to healthy shame in the process?
Toxic shame, the shame that binds you, is experienced as the all pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being. Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits, it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. Toxic shame is a rupture of the self with the self.

It is like internal bleeding. Exposure to oneself lies at the heart of toxic shame. A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to
himself.

Toxic shame is so excruciating because it is the painful exposure of the believed failure of self to the self. In toxic shame the self becomes an object of its own contempt, an object that can't be trusted. As an object that can't be
trusted, one experiences oneself as untrustworthy. Toxic shame is experienced as an inner torment, a sickness of the soul. If I'm an object that can't be trusted, then I'm not in me. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self-generating.
There is shame about shame. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they will admit shame. Toxic shame is the feeling of being isolated and alone in a complete sense. A shame-based person is haunted by a sense
of absence and emptiness.

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Being on medication is helpful and so is therapy. However, in my situation, the therapist that helped me the most was one who had trained in the Bradshaw method and it's excruciatingly helpful at getting to the root of the issue and addressing what happened in a way that isn't rehashing it, but actually allows the person you are today to learn to comfort the child that you were (and still are to some extent). This intense 2-week experience was the best money I ever spent. It is important to find someone who is the real deal because some people just totally collapse from reliving the trauma. If the people aren't experienced in helping you land softly when you crash, it can be devastating.

That said, you are a survivor and you can beat this. It'll take time - but when you come out of the other side, the scars will be healed and you can accept love because you actually have learned to trust yourself and others. Your feelings are real and what happened was real - now it's just a matter of finding the right therapist to help you get to the other side of the darkness.

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

This is a great thread you've started.

The beating up on the internet as a cesspool of trolls is a popular thing. People taking their time, reaching out, willing to share their own often painful experiences, trying to lift a total stranger who's in trouble, that never gets a mention.

To OP. I think you need a new screen name.