A Tale of Two Goal Weights

This is a story of weight loss success, but much more than that, a story of recovery from addiction, and part of my continuing journey toward good physical and mental health. It was a long process and I know now there is no way I could have done this all at once. I didn’t mean for it to be this long but here goes….

I first downloaded MFP in July 2010. I knew I had gained a lot of weight since I had relapsed after 9 months sober. I was unemployed, isolated, and unwell in body and mind. I had bought a scale to see what the number would be, and was shocked to see I weighed 13 stone at 5’6” giving me a BMI of just under obese. Previous to that my highest weight was 11.7 stone and I’d done Weight Watchers with the aim of getting to 9.7 stone, but never actually got there and eventually quit.

But I didn’t change anything, just logged all the booze I was drinking to see how many calories it was. And boy was I drinking. After years of alcoholism, I needed three bottles of wine to get blackout drunk - blackout drunk being the only kind I was capable of.

I ate once a day (after I felt sufficiently drunk enough) which was usually something like chips and burger sauce or pizza. I rarely left my flat and got very little exercise. I knew I had to change, but I had to sober up first. Again. My self-esteem was non existent. I actively hated myself. I was suicidal. And yet I still lived like this for almost two years. Those few days of logging my abysmal diet only made me hate myself more.

CBT got me sober for good in 2012 and I lost weight simply by eating my calories in meals rather than drinking 90% of them. I didn’t log very often and I didn’t exercise, but by October 2012 I was down to 10.3. I was still out of work and didn’t update my wardrobe (this comes back into the story) so my clothes were pretty baggy and day to day I didn’t really see any difference physically, but I wasn’t out of breath walking up a couple flights of stairs. It was a good self-esteem boost, and certainly good for my health, but I was more proud of my continuing sobriety. I sort of forgot about MFP since my BMI was back in the healthy zone so once again I quit logging.

Then in early 2013 I had a total mental health crisis. That whole year, from late new year’s eve when my cat had to be rushed to the emergency vet for a blocked bladder, to late January when all my benefits were cut off due to the Council not updating my details after I moved and me not attending appointments because I wasn’t getting letters, felt like one bit of bad luck after another. I didn’t get my benefits reinstated for 5 months and was deeply in debt. My mother became seriously ill and no one knew what the cause was. I was totally demoralised from being out of work and couldn’t get an interview.

I woke up every morning to an instant panic attack - I felt like I was drowning in air. And I stopped eating. It wasn’t conscious but I suppose I had no money, and nothing tasted good, and I cried constantly - or slept. I wouldn’t put the heating on but would sit in my flat in hat, scarf and jacket. I told myself I was saving money, but really I didn’t think I was even worth that basic need.

In August, a friend took me out for coffee. When we got up to leave, my skirt - one of the size 16s I wore because I had nothing else - fell off. Stood up to leave and whoosh - off. That was pretty embarrassing, I got home and weighed myself to see I was 9.7 stone - that magical number that was going to solve all my problems back in my Weight Watchers days.

And I stood there dumbfounded that my body could change so much and I didn’t even notice it. But mostly because I was miserable. I thought: so what. Big deal. I’m skinny and I hate myself and I always will, because even though I may look like a normal person, I’m an alcoholic failure with no job, no partner and no future.

But things changed!

I was given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and began extensive therapy. It explained a lot about why my life seemed to fall apart every every three months, my impulsive behaviour and my difficulty maintaining relationships.

I spent the first 9 months of 2014 undergoing intensive 3 day a week group therapy and focussing on my mental health. I met a wonderful man in the summer and by the time I (finally!) got a job in September, we were dating. By the time we moved in together 8 months later, I had gained 20 pounds.

And I was happier than I’d been in years. I gained that weight by enjoying food, and spending time with him and a lot of that time was spent going out to eat - we often had breakfast out Saturday and Sunday - and eating snack food whilst watching tv or films. But my clothes weren’t fitting anymore and I wanted to get fit.

I bought a food scale and began logging more frequently, and then every day. I steadily and slowly lost weight purely by CICO and logging. I also made a few food swaps - brown basmati rice for white, wholemeal pasta and breads, and watching my sugar intake. I started looking at my macros and weekly targets rather than daily, which I found easier.

Then in June 2016 I bought a fitbit and began walking, starting by getting off the bus a few stops earlier on the way to work. Then I did so on the way back home. Then I added a lunchtime walk. Then I cut even more stops off so that my daily goal is 60 minutes (3x20 minutes). I try to get about 12-13,000 steps weekdays so that if I don’t get to get out on weekends, I can still meet my weekly step target, though lately it’s been so nice I can crush it on a weekend too

I have now been maintaining at 9 stone for 5 months now. I am still sober and I have been promoted at work and whilst I’m happy with my weight and proud of my achievements, it’s not about the number on the scale or the increased salary, it’s about how I feel about myself as a person. I still have my bad days, I still have BPD and masses of anxiety, but I am working on the skills to cope. I have recently started mindfulness and meditation as a way to manage my anxiety. I am also going to start weekly counselling sessions because even though my life is better than it has ever been, this also seems to ramp up my stress because what if I lose it all - what my mother gets ill again, what if this that and the other. I also know that my MO has been to struggle on until it all gets too much and then I fall apart, so I am going to try to amp up my coping skills so that I don’t let that happen again.

Okay, I really have blathered on a lot so enough! Here’s to good physical and mental health and keeping on that recovery road - best wishes to you all