Really upset

dulceluva · February 2008

Ok. So yes I am depressed. I AM trying to take care of myself. I have in the past seen shrink after shrink and guess what...they always tell me to change. So I think I have changed like 5x already. Its gotten to the point where I do not know who I am or how to act. Now I just be me...whatever this world has made me into. So if I wanna be blunt and straight-forward and speak my mind I do. I want to hold onto all of my feelings, then I do.

I know that I need help but I decided to take a little break. Today a friend of mine told me that she can no longer be friends with me because I am negative all the time. I told her that while I am saddened that I am accept it. I am not shocked by it one bit because all of my other friends couldn't really tolerate me either. I have my good and bad days and its a shame that my friends only got to be around me on my bad days.

I have never put blame on other people for my ways. I always blame myself but then you can say that I am being negative towards myself too, right? I really thought this friend was different. I thought she was just like me. She too suffers from depression (worse than me). She is heavily medicated. She has fought the world and succeeded. I have always been there for her as friend physically and emotionally. We connected in so many ways. I really thought she understand everything I was going through because she went through it herself too.

I am one of those people who doesn't see the point in celebrating her birthday. I rather go out with my family and have a nice dinner and go home and that is it. I do not have to have a big blow out party every year.

My 'friend' got mad at me today. Saying that I am a marytr for not celebrating my birthday and why am I denying her as a friend. She said that I am so stuborrn that I am purposely making my birthday a very lonely and pathetic time. She said that the reason I have no friends is because I do NOTHNIG to keep them or do NOTHIN to change myself.

She has only known me for a year. I cannot beleive she said that about me. And I know she has been putting words in my mouth too. I don't appreciate that. I told her that I really appreciate her and that I love her like a friend and its sad that we are going to lose each other because I finally thought I found someone who understands me because we've both gone through it togther but independently.

I guess I was wrong.

I guess that is why depressed people are usually alone because (and it makes so much sense) but people want to be surrounded by happy people. Sad, depressed, angry, etc. they all need and want to be surrounded by happiness. so of course all of my past friends do not want to deal with another sad person.

I am not sure what to do anymore. I guess its time to go back to my shrink and say put me back on my medication because well I have lost another friend to this disease....a disease that has taken over myself.

I am so upset but on the other hand....I am very calm because I am not surprised at all.

dulceluva · February 2008

Ok. So yes I am depressed. I AM trying to take care of myself. I have in the past seen shrink after shrink and guess what...they always tell me to change. So I think I have changed like 5x already. Its gotten to the point where I do not know who I am or how to act. Now I just be me...whatever this world has made me into. So if I wanna be blunt and straight-forward and speak my mind I do. I want to hold onto all of my feelings, then I do.

I know that I need help but I decided to take a little break. Today a friend of mine told me that she can no longer be friends with me because I am negative all the time. I told her that while I am saddened that I am accept it. I am not shocked by it one bit because all of my other friends couldn't really tolerate me either. I have my good and bad days and its a shame that my friends only got to be around me on my bad days.

I have never put blame on other people for my ways. I always blame myself but then you can say that I am being negative towards myself too, right? I really thought this friend was different. I thought she was just like me. She too suffers from depression (worse than me). She is heavily medicated. She has fought the world and succeeded. I have always been there for her as friend physically and emotionally. We connected in so many ways. I really thought she understand everything I was going through because she went through it herself too.

I am one of those people who doesn't see the point in celebrating her birthday. I rather go out with my family and have a nice dinner and go home and that is it. I do not have to have a big blow out party every year.

My 'friend' got mad at me today. Saying that I am a marytr for not celebrating my birthday and why am I denying her as a friend. She said that I am so stuborrn that I am purposely making my birthday a very lonely and pathetic time. She said that the reason I have no friends is because I do NOTHNIG to keep them or do NOTHIN to change myself.

She has only known me for a year. I cannot beleive she said that about me. And I know she has been putting words in my mouth too. I don't appreciate that. I told her that I really appreciate her and that I love her like a friend and its sad that we are going to lose each other because I finally thought I found someone who understands me because we've both gone through it togther but independently.

I guess I was wrong.

I guess that is why depressed people are usually alone because (and it makes so much sense) but people want to be surrounded by happy people. Sad, depressed, angry, etc. they all need and want to be surrounded by happiness. so of course all of my past friends do not want to deal with another sad person.

I am not sure what to do anymore. I guess its time to go back to my shrink and say put me back on my medication because well I have lost another friend to this disease....a disease that has taken over myself.

I am so upset but on the other hand....I am very calm because I am not surprised at all.

kistinbee · February 2008

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

zenmama · February 2008

Hang in there and we are here for you...as for her if she was a "real" friend she would understand.

dd

dulceluva · February 2008

I dont' think its fair to say a 'real' friend would understand. I do have some really close friends that I have stuck with me for over 10 yrs and I love them. I can't imagine my world without them. I know they have to put up with my crap all of the time. But I guess I can't expect others who are just like me, to want to be around me.

I could have told her that there were times where I thought she was being totally negative and put a damper on my good positive days but I didn't. I wasn't in the mood to put forth blame and then have to defend myself.

We all have skeletons in our closet and I felt it was in my best interest to not divulge everything to her or to certain people. But then when I do that, it makes me in a worse situation because these people just see me as a negative and they do not know the root or cause of it.

I know that other people out there are far worse then me and I shouldn't be complaining. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything i say, positive or negative has all these consequences that just lead me to looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I've become.

rhondababy · February 2008

Hang on- TIGHT! You are so worth the effort. Do whatever you need to do to keep fighting the depression.
I have suffered my entire life from depression, and know what you are going through. If trying another medication will work- DO IT. If therapy helps- DO IT! Just don't give up. There are so many people battling depression, and it's not your fault- it's bio-chemical. There are cognitive behavioral methods that can help teach you how not to react to your depression in the same way, and that may be a good start (maybe along with new meds).
Hang in there- I am in a bad period right now too, and it helped me just to see your post.

dulceluva · February 2008

Hang on- TIGHT! You are so worth the effort. Do whatever you need to do to keep fighting the depression.
I have suffered my entire life from depression, and know what you are going through. If trying another medication will work- DO IT. If therapy helps- DO IT! Just don't give up. There are so many people battling depression, and it's not your fault- it's bio-chemical. There are cognitive behavioral methods that can help teach you how not to react to your depression in the same way, and that may be a good start (maybe along with new meds).
Hang in there- I am in a bad period right now too, and it helped me just to see your post.

:sad:

Thanks. I guess it hurts because it feels like 'one of my own' has rejected me. And what it all started because its my birthday this week and I decided to not celebrate it. I told her that we can go for coffee and talk and do our girly stuff and she went off on me. Her fiancee just lost his job and I told her that I wouldnt feel right for her to take me out to some big post-birthday dinner when she in dire need of funds. She told me that her funds doesn't matter and that I should acccpt that she is trying to be my friend insteaf it being an obligation. I dont think I need anything wrong this time.

Sure I am negative but really...I told her to keep the money and put it towards her rent or something and that we can go out for coffee and this whole "I cannot be your friend right now" comes out of it.

Ahhh another birthday bites the dust. lol It is okay. I am with my family and it might be a very self destructive family but I know they love me for me.

brendab · February 2008

:flowerforyou: I too have dealt with depression. Thank goodness it's now in my past. Some people don't know what to say to you, or how to deal with someone that's experiencing depression.
I do want to tell you this, we all have opinions, we all have something to say....an ya know what, there's always always always going to be someone that doesn't agree with your opinion. There are going to be a few that have something to say that will hurt your feelings too. I've learned over the years to roll with it, and tell myself,well they are entitled to their opinion, and just because it doesn't match mine, it shouldn't hurt me or change my opinion either.
Personally I think that you should be able to choose how you want to spend your birthay & even tho I don't know you; I hope it's a terrific day filled with the things you want; be with those that make you happy. Take Care,
Bren

:flowerforyou:

christahollis · February 2008

I know where you are.
My entire family has been ripped apart again and again by depression, social anxiety disorder, even psychotic disorders. The biggest (and hardest) lesson I've leared through all this is that you need to keep up with your anti-depressants. Don't go off when you're feeling better. If it doesn't feel like they're working as well as you need them to, talk to your doctor about a change. A lot of other psych meds are kinda iffy, they can have some serious side effects...but the anti-depressants can go a long way on their own--and they've got new combinations that seem more promising.
The saddest thing about depression is the very case you describe...even your closest friends who have endured the same thing don't understand where you are and what you need. Nobody really knows where you are and how you feel...and this may be due in part to that whole egocentric portion of our personalities. We all are too busy, too concerned, with our own feelings and desires to properly handle another person's needs (usually).
As far as your friend is concerend...that's really hard, and it's impossible to push down that feeling of shock and betrayl that you get in that kind of situation. This isn't the solution for everyone, but for me, I've found that an 'ok, that's in, now move on' approach works well for me. Clearly, that's not the person you need to be looking to for support--regardless of her common background.

Be who you are. Hang in there (cliche, but real).

diannholland1965 · February 2008

Oh sweetness. First off, you are doing what you see as being best for you.
BTW Happy Birthday.
I likewise do not see having a big blow out party for a birthday every year. I consider myself lucky to have a nice dinner with my man and MAYBE see my friends later in the week or on the weekend.
Do not feel presure to have a huge party if you do not one.
This sounds a little like your friend is saying. "If you do not do what "I" want you to do I will not be friends with you." Which sounds a little 3rd grade to me.
You are a wonderful person from what I know of you and I do not think there is anything that would make me think any different.
It seems to me that right now you are going through the proicess of gleening friends. That is alright, everyone goes through that. You will get out of this someday. until that time you have all of us across the nation and world as your friends.
AND WE LOVE YOU!!!!

:smooched: :smooched: :smooched:
--Diann....
PS. I will e-mail you later.

winwin · February 2008

I was just thinking that maybe it was her who was having the bad feelings she couldn't fight and like most of us look to who is handy to vent. We tend to not think of what our behaviour causes other people to feel. You have to blow off how other people treat you and if you think that person is not worth giving another chance, that's the feeling to go with. We choose our friends as much as they choose us. Some friends are good in small doses while others we can't seem to get enough of.

Do you do yoga or meditate? If you join a group you might find them really supportive. I know a lady who is always so positive, I don't know how she manages it. I do know she does yoga and actually has started leading it. The meditation can be great for your soul. I also know time is a great healer and strengthens character. We don't always want to give time a chance though. It takes so long.

You have probably touched a lot of us with your post and I know a lot of us feel your pain and frustration. A word of encouragement and hang tough. It really does help to share. Good luck!

Leslie

dulceluva · February 2008

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all of this. I didn't post here for people to be on my side or really comfort me. I really needed people to just understand a little bit of what I am going through.

I know that I am negative and no matter how hard i try, how hard I fake being happy, it just doesn't happen. And what makes it far worse is that i am upset because I feel like my life is one big regret. I didn't do this and didn't get to do that all because my depression has taken over my life and made me lose really important peopl in my life. It is like a vicious cycle... I am depressed about being depressed.

And what really makes me feel like a 'loser' are those people who see me and think that I shouldn't be complaining one bit because all I have to do is look out the window are there are a 100 other people far worse than me.

I am thinking back to all of my conversations with this friend and I can't believe she is throwing it all back on me. She agreed with me that we as people are allowed to be egocentric where we only focus on ourselves. We are human, we have to think of ourselves. But then she gets mad at me and tells me that I need to look at others who are suffering.

amthomps521 · February 2008

Hi there!

Just another person out there that knows about depression- I am in my mid forties and have been on antidepressants for most of the past 12 years. I have tried going off a couple of times and I have accepted that my life is way better when I'm on them and that it's not my fault, it's biochemical. I am lucky that the med i'm on has practically no side effects for me. One other thing I'd like to add, since I've really increased my cardio to lose weight for an upcoming vacation- I've really noticed those endorphins kicking in and I have felt better than ever. It doesn't hurt that it's really helping the weight to come off too. So hang in there, get back on meds if you have too and take good care of yourself and remember to take it one day at a time. Good luck to you!

dulceluva · February 2008

Thanks Diana

Winwin: I do understand where my friend is coming from. How can you better yourself and deal with your own issues if you have some negitive force in your life. I really didn't think I was being that negative with her. If anything, we played off each other emotionally wise. It is just sad that it seems like I am always the one losing the friends. I feel I can't win. How many times can i change and it still not be the right one. lol

I used to do yoga and you know what...I was telling my friend this, that I was never happier. I lost so much weight and I was really happy and my friends could tell on my face that I exuded happiness. I did yoga 6x a week. And then of course I bought my first home and $$$ went bye-bye. I can't afford yoga right now amongst my Fibromyalgia care, pills, medications, etc. I have been researchig non-stop for a cheaper place.

Thank you all so much again.

my tears have dried up

And I do have that concept of saying "okay, time to move on". I tell people that I am sorry we cannot be friends because this is who I am and I am trying so hard to make myself a better person and if you feel like you are a better person without me, then there is nothing I can do about that.

mildrede40 · February 2008

I will continue praying for you.

dulceluva · February 2008

I will continue praying for you.

Thanks :flowerforyou:

FitKitty · February 2008

As a future shrink I give you a ton of credit at being able to look at yourself the way that you do. Try taking the loss of your friend as one less person to look at you funny when you have a bad day (we all have um honey...). Maybe take a yoga class, or find a pole dancing class in your area (they are usually cheap and SOOOO much fun) if they are not in your area go to Target and grab a workout DVD (working out may boost those good hormones in your brain and get your spirits up).
Plus... you have us... YOUR PERSONAL FITNESS PAL PALLS
:flowerforyou:

lewandt · February 2008

This is an exceptionally hard issue for me. A month ago my 36 yr old brother thought life was just too hard, too much pain for him to go on living and he tried to take his own life. He overdosed on pills. My family and I spent 4 nights in the hospital with him. Every day we were told he would not make. He was on life support.

We got our miracle, he did survive. Today he is home and back to "normal". I believe he will do it again.

I struggle to understand. I know it is a disease and he cannot help it, but he is 36, he has a great job, a beautiful home and many people who love him. But can never see any good in life....Ever.

I feel he has as much help as is possible with the doctors and his family. My sister lives in the same town as him and practically lives with him (she too is afraid he will do it again). But for the family/friends there is no help.

I didn't mean to tell you this to make you feel bad, i just want you to try to understand where they are. It is the most helpless feeling to not be able to help. Try to understand when you suffer, they suffer as well. They love you and just want you to be happy........

jnuttsing · February 2008

Back to the friend thing. People with depression need friends that are not depressed. It is like an alcoholic hanging out with alcoholics. No good! Dont take it personal. Ask God to bring a friend into your life that will be helpful and understanding.

Kbrain228 · February 2008

I know that I don't know you but as a member of this forum I felt the need to reach out and say hang in there. My doctor just put me on depression medication for the second time in less than six months. The first time I was put on them it was because I had a thyroid problem and it was all out of wack. I took myself off of them when we found out that my thyroid was back on track. Well I went back to my doctor last week and he put me on them again. I'm learning new things about depression all the time. People look at my life and say how can you be depressed you have an amazing family that loves you and you have an amazing husband. But I have learned that you can have everything in the world and still not feel complete! You hang in there, we are all here for you and who knows you may have just helped several people by opening up about this!

dulceluva · February 2008

This is an exceptionally hard issue for me. A month ago my 36 yr old brother thought life was just too hard, too much pain for him to go on living and he tried to take his own life. He overdosed on pills. My family and I spent 4 nights in the hospital with him. Every day we were told he would not make. He was on life support.

We got our miracle, he did survive. Today he is home and back to "normal". I believe he will do it again.

I struggle to understand. I know it is a disease and he cannot help it, but he is 36, he has a great job, a beautiful home and many people who love him. But can never see any good in life....Ever.

I feel he has as much help as is possible with the doctors and his family. My sister lives in the same town as him and practically lives with him (she too is afraid he will do it again). But for the family/friends there is no help.

I didn't mean to tell you this to make you feel bad, i just want you to try to understand where they are. It is the most helpless feeling to not be able to help. Try to understand when you suffer, they suffer as well. They love you and just want you to be happy........

I know they suffer as well. I really do. that is why I am accepting in the fact that when my friends leave me, it is so that they can enjoy their lives better.

I guess it is a bruise ontop of a bruise when I know people I really enjoyed having in my life can't put up with me anymore. it is like I don't want to be a better person??? I am trying but sometimes its a lose-lose situation.

Kbrain228: Thank you for that. It is true. Everyone says that to me too. how can you not enjoy your life when you have it so good. Trust me. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE SO BADLY!!

jlohern · February 2008

You are a much more understanding person that I am! I might have told her to take a hike!

It's your birthday and it is your day to do whatever you want. If you would rather have a quiet dinner, that's what you should do. It seems pretty selfish for your friend to be angry because you wouldn't do what she wanted to do on your birthday. I'm a big believer in "treating others the way you want to be treated." Apparently, your friend is not. My guess is that if the shoe were on the other foot, your friend would throw a fit!

dulceluva · February 2008

You are a much more understanding person that I am! I might have told her to take a hike!

It's your birthday and it is your day to do whatever you want. If you would rather have a quiet dinner, that's what you should do. It seems pretty selfish for your friend to be angry because you wouldn't do what she wanted to do on your birthday. I'm a big believer in "treating others the way you want to be treated." Apparently, your friend is not. My guess is that if the shoe were on the other foot, your friend would throw a fit!

It probably has nothing to do with my birthday. It was just a good excuse or maybe the final straw regarding my attitude.

age1389 · February 2008

Sounds like she's going through a tough time (with her fiance out of work) and just taking it out on you. You said you loved yoga but money is an issue well maybe you should buy a tape and do it. It's worth your happieness. Stay strong:flowerforyou:

Really upset

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