Failure. Not the good kind.

PattyTheUndefeated
PattyTheUndefeated Posts: 302 Member
edited September 30 in Health and Weight Loss
To say that the last six months of my life have been hell on earth for me would be a understatement. I think I've cried myself to sleep every single night.

And the stress, anxiety, pain, you-name-it of my life have catapolted me off the 'fitness-wagon' right back into the pits of hell that are self-loathing and binge eating. Everyday has been a binge-fest. A competition to see how much food it takes to numb that particular days-worth of horrible feelings.

I feel like a hypocrite as everyone on here is always telling me how much of an inspiration I am to them. I'm far from inspiring. I've gained back about 8 pounds of the 94 I've lost. And yes, some of you might scoff at such a small number but you it took me over a year to lose an additional eight pounds AND I gained it back in under two months...

I've lost my want to exercise, want to sleep all the time, and can't stand the sight of myself in mirrors.

I feel digusting. The ultimate failure.

I don't know how to make today "THE" day that I stop this BS and keep moving forward like I've always done. But it seems like the most unachievable obstacle to overcome. Eight pounds. EIGHT pounds.

How do I give a workout my all and eat perfectly when I know I've gained back EIGHT pounds that I fought hard for? So many sore muscles, sore joints, late nights working out, planning meals...

All for what?

I'm tired of trying and failing. I need some sort of insight as to how to say "*kitten* this! It's only eight pounds!"

Help.

Replies

  • PeachyKeene
    PeachyKeene Posts: 1,645 Member
    :flowerforyou: What is going on in your life that has you feeling this way??!!

    You may want to seek some counseling, to help you through some of your issues. Life gets to us all at times. You know binge eating is only going to cause a reoccurring cycle; binge eating = guilt, sadness, anger, depression which only leads to more binge eating.

    Make this the day! Say I am going to snap out of this funk. I am going to take a nice long walk or run. I will buy healthy foods to eat. GET OUT OF THE PIT!! You have accomplished so much with your fittness goals and you should be so proud of yourself. :flowerforyou:
  • FullOfSpice
    FullOfSpice Posts: 176 Member
    Wow, first of all. You are still admiration for losing that much weight. You took CONTROL of your life when you decided to start your weight loss journey. I've been going through some issues as well, and I've gained back all the weight I lost plus some. It's hard but sometimes you lose control and you need to find that control back. Talking about your issue with other people and MFP is helpful and always beneficial to getting back in motion. Sometimes just speaking and writing out what you feel puts things into perspective. I don't think you are any type of Failure that you claim to be or have gone through. I think sometimes we lose insight of what and where our lives are going and we slip out of the path that we rigourously shaped. You have to find balance and realize that you are doing this for yourself and not the numbers on the scale. On that note, I stopped weighing myself b/c I am tired of getting hung up on what the scale says and realized its measuring how you feel inside. Everyone's body is different composition, so if you soley base your journey on those numbers, you will go crazy obsessing about it. For example, you may have gained 8lbs, but it could be a combination of muscle weight too. If you are sad inside, you need to figure our what is truley making you feel that way. For me, it was a combination of rejection from my ex-fiance, my parents, co-workers, etc. I let those feelings of rejection overcome me and ate as a way to cope. But now, I realize I don't need rejection in my life. I am getting healthy and if people want to be rude and hurt my feelings, I don't need them in my life. On that note, I separated myself from those people b/c I couldn't deal with their negativity and focused on what makes ME happy. I still have a long way to go since there are other things in my life I am not happy with but I am working towards making positive changes in my life and not negative ones....

    Add me for support if you like!
  • angelacasey736
    angelacasey736 Posts: 249 Member
    You have done an AMAZING job losing 96lbs. Dont ever lose sight of that. I have gotten so much help from wonderful people on here and i hope you get the same. I had a horrible week emotionally and it is very easy to continue on that path - but just remember how good it feels to be successful and accomplish those goals because obviously are quite capable or you wouldnt have lost all that you did. I would totally freak out if i gained 8 lbs as well but you have got to use this as a motivating factor, not that of defeat. There is nothing better than feeling good about yourself - you know what you need to do - you have already done it - so pick up the pieces and forge ahead!! There are many people who can relate and are glad to be here for you.
  • msblueyes5
    msblueyes5 Posts: 126 Member
    I feel that that fact that you are so fired up about the eight lb gain is a great sign!!! In the past before you lost any of the weight you probably didn't even know what it took to lose eight lbs. You do know because YOU put in the hard work! Noone is perfect and thats just the way it is. Your accomplishment is still HUGE but only you can truly kick start your way back into it! We are all here for you to tell you that ..hey you did it before whats stoping you now..Ya its gonna take time, you can't change tha(unfortunetly) lol But YOU CAN do this! You are absolutely an inspiration. Think about if you were reading this post from another person, You would still feel proud of them and not look at them as a failure. Thats how I feel about you :)
  • mamaboobear
    mamaboobear Posts: 52
    Okay, so are you God? No, no one is perfect so don't beat yourself up!!! Stand up, dust yourself off, read some motivational quotes and get going! The longer you wait the worse you'll feel. You are stronger than this, you've lost 80 something pounds!!! Thats right, F this! Your going to get back on track and not only knock those 8 pounds back down, but maybe more! Go get em!
  • run4yourlife
    run4yourlife Posts: 379 Member
    I know it's not easy, but try not to focus on the EIGHT pounds. I struggle with the same thing, but what is the most important thing is not binging, not the number on the scale. I gained 13 more pounds than my goal weight but most people look at me and say I look great. I would much rather be this weight forever and never binge again than to have the perfect body. Unfortunately for those of us that struggle with binge eating, this is a FIGHT! It takes WORK! So don't give up!! Keep up the fight my friend! You WILL overcome this! And whether you believe it ot not, you ARE an inspiration! A 100 pound weight loss is incredible! Focus on your accomplishments instead of your downfalls. :flowerforyou:
  • Juggernautpint
    Juggernautpint Posts: 70 Member
    First of all you are an inspiration to us on MFP and just because you gained eight pounds doesn't change that!

    You were one of the first friends I added when I joined and you have been an inspiration of what can be achieved when one puts their mind to something. You are a success story despite any bumps you've had in your journey.

    Your honesty is appreciated. I hope your ultimte weight goal is a realistic number where you can enjoy the fruits of life and not have to struggle. Is it possible you are in your healthy weight zone? Just throwing it out there.

    Keep up the good fight!

    JP
  • dlj1970
    dlj1970 Posts: 186 Member
    All I can say is that I know how you feel. The past 5 years have been tough for me, and I gained about 20 lbs as a result. The past 6 months have been super-sucky for me, too. I have to admit that I am really inspired by your dedication, as I really got into a bad downward spiral of resenting having to log everything and then feeling ashamed, stressed, and trying to eat and drink myself into numbness. BUT...as of this week, I started all over again...like for the 5th time this year. I don't know what I would do without some of my friends on this site. People I've never met in person are totally willing to hold my hand and pump me up. So, I guess what I'm sayin is that I know what you're feeling, but I also know that in the whole scheme of things, 8 lbs is something you can do again. Take care, and just take it one day at a time. XO
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