Urgent help and advice needed!!!
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Calamitycazza
Posts: 87 Member
I've been wanting to post about this for a really long time, but I've been too frightened that I'd just get replies telling me I'm just lazy and being silly etc but I really need the help and advice as this is literally destroying my life, so here goes...
I've always been a bit chubby since I hit my teen years, but never really though twice about it. As I got to about 14/15/16 years old, I tried different diets such as weightwatchers, slimming world, just eating healthier as I didn't like the way I looked (was a size 16 at this point), hated shopping for clothes and couldnt bare to look in a mirror.
When I hit 16, I got into a relationship with an older man (he was 23, my ex-bestfriends brother). Biggest mistake of my life. Everything was fine at first, but I always noticed he was texting other girls and hiding his phone from me when he did this. About a year into the relationship, I found out he had been chatting to other girls on his computer after I messaged him goodnight, and these conversations would last until 3 in the morning sometimes! What upset me wasnt the fact he was talking to the girls, it was the fact he was doing it behind my back and was telling them how beautiful they were, how they could have any many they wanted and how hot they were. He also had pictures of them and his friends girlfriends on the PC. After this, I couldn't trust him but still stayed, shame on me, I know but I was young (17) I thought he would change. He did it again 2 weeks after I confronted him and he apologised but the second time he blamed me. I was so paranoid after this and he knew it.
He used to play on my emotions, he would abuse me mentally/physically and emotionally, make out to my parents I was awful, turned me against my dad and would play on my depression and anxiety by calling me mental, crazy and telling me I was gone in the head. I was so scared I wasn't what he wanted as I was still a size 16/18. I began to diet using this site, but I went the wrong way about it, I would try to eat as little as I could, I always skipped breakfast and would literally just have some spinach for lunch. Some days I wouldn't even hit 800 calories. I'd then work out for 2 hours a day and go for a 1hr walk/jog at midnight. The weight literally fell off. I felt really tired and lethargic all the time and my hair bcame brittle and started falling out, but I felt amazing after I skipped my meals. If I skipped breakfast, I'd hold out for as long as I could then I'd cave and eat something small, after this I would feel absolutely hideous. I also used to take laxatives the night before my weigh days and would eat or drink a thing till I had been weighed, sometimes that could be as late as 5pm. I still do this now.
Long story short, I was with that guy for 5 years and I feel like he brought out something bad in me that was dormant at first. I was never that bad about my food before. He broke up with me on google chat and that was it, the weight slowly started coming back.
I met my Fiance at 22 years of age and at 11.5 stone and that was a year and a half ago. I'm 24 and 15 stone now and am worse than ever. I try and starve myself, cave then binge. I've tried just eating healthily, slimming world, juice plus, calorie counting and have always just ended up failing. I cry most nights because I hate how I look even though my other half tells me he loves me as I am and that I'm beautiful. I dont feel it, I absolutely hate the way I look. I've removed all mirrors from our home because I cant stand seeing myself. I've tried losing it slowly and steadily but get depressed because it's not coming off faster, even though I know it wont happen over night, so I try to drastically cut calories again then binge. It takes me all my strength and willpower to not make myself vomit after meals. I feel amazing when I don't eat, but the moment food goes into my mouth, healthy or not, I feel hideous.
I've been to a doctor about this, and told him everything I've put in this post. It was really hard and I cried my eyes out as it is such a sensitive subject. He told me I was just sensitive. He said he was going to refer me to a dietitian and psychologist but it never happened.
I'm honestly at wits end now, I dont know what to do and it's destroying me. I'm sorry for the length of the post but the more thorough I am, the more you'll understand.
I've always been a bit chubby since I hit my teen years, but never really though twice about it. As I got to about 14/15/16 years old, I tried different diets such as weightwatchers, slimming world, just eating healthier as I didn't like the way I looked (was a size 16 at this point), hated shopping for clothes and couldnt bare to look in a mirror.
When I hit 16, I got into a relationship with an older man (he was 23, my ex-bestfriends brother). Biggest mistake of my life. Everything was fine at first, but I always noticed he was texting other girls and hiding his phone from me when he did this. About a year into the relationship, I found out he had been chatting to other girls on his computer after I messaged him goodnight, and these conversations would last until 3 in the morning sometimes! What upset me wasnt the fact he was talking to the girls, it was the fact he was doing it behind my back and was telling them how beautiful they were, how they could have any many they wanted and how hot they were. He also had pictures of them and his friends girlfriends on the PC. After this, I couldn't trust him but still stayed, shame on me, I know but I was young (17) I thought he would change. He did it again 2 weeks after I confronted him and he apologised but the second time he blamed me. I was so paranoid after this and he knew it.
He used to play on my emotions, he would abuse me mentally/physically and emotionally, make out to my parents I was awful, turned me against my dad and would play on my depression and anxiety by calling me mental, crazy and telling me I was gone in the head. I was so scared I wasn't what he wanted as I was still a size 16/18. I began to diet using this site, but I went the wrong way about it, I would try to eat as little as I could, I always skipped breakfast and would literally just have some spinach for lunch. Some days I wouldn't even hit 800 calories. I'd then work out for 2 hours a day and go for a 1hr walk/jog at midnight. The weight literally fell off. I felt really tired and lethargic all the time and my hair bcame brittle and started falling out, but I felt amazing after I skipped my meals. If I skipped breakfast, I'd hold out for as long as I could then I'd cave and eat something small, after this I would feel absolutely hideous. I also used to take laxatives the night before my weigh days and would eat or drink a thing till I had been weighed, sometimes that could be as late as 5pm. I still do this now.
Long story short, I was with that guy for 5 years and I feel like he brought out something bad in me that was dormant at first. I was never that bad about my food before. He broke up with me on google chat and that was it, the weight slowly started coming back.
I met my Fiance at 22 years of age and at 11.5 stone and that was a year and a half ago. I'm 24 and 15 stone now and am worse than ever. I try and starve myself, cave then binge. I've tried just eating healthily, slimming world, juice plus, calorie counting and have always just ended up failing. I cry most nights because I hate how I look even though my other half tells me he loves me as I am and that I'm beautiful. I dont feel it, I absolutely hate the way I look. I've removed all mirrors from our home because I cant stand seeing myself. I've tried losing it slowly and steadily but get depressed because it's not coming off faster, even though I know it wont happen over night, so I try to drastically cut calories again then binge. It takes me all my strength and willpower to not make myself vomit after meals. I feel amazing when I don't eat, but the moment food goes into my mouth, healthy or not, I feel hideous.
I've been to a doctor about this, and told him everything I've put in this post. It was really hard and I cried my eyes out as it is such a sensitive subject. He told me I was just sensitive. He said he was going to refer me to a dietitian and psychologist but it never happened.
I'm honestly at wits end now, I dont know what to do and it's destroying me. I'm sorry for the length of the post but the more thorough I am, the more you'll understand.
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Replies
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I'm very sorry you had to endure that.
You have an eating disorder and need a treatment team. Call your doctor back and get those referrals.15 -
My advice, please push your doctor to recommend a psychologist. Nothing we recommend will help until you've worked all this out.7
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You need to call your doctor and find out what happened to the referral. You need help from a professional.6
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I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this. I can't give you any advice other than to push your doctor for that referral or find a new doctor - you've been through an insanely rough time, and you need help. I don't know you, but I am confident that losing weight will not help you feel better about yourself or heal the deep hurts that you've suffered. You are only very recently out of a very destructive relationship and are struggling with destructive eating habits. You are not silly. You are not "just sensitive." I don't think there's any advice you can find here that will help other than to take care of your mental health first.1
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Hi there,
Read your story and I'm sorry that you've gone through such bad times,
However - nows YOUR time to-do this right! Follow MFP and allow your cals what it suggests, try and eat carbs like pasta, rice etc as this will fill you up for longer, and try swapping chocolate, crisps and biscuits for healthier alternatives like fruit, veg and low fat bars, smoothies.
We are all in this together and I really think you can succeed - as others have mentioned maybe go back to your doctor and get some pills to ease your pain and go from there, don't go doing what you did previously starving yourself because no matter how much you think it will work, you will just fall straight back into your old ways.
I hope this helps even a little,
Take care and good luck0 -
I'm sorry your doctor was so dismissive. It really sounds like you could use some emotional support from a professional, and it's unfortunate that you didn't get the referrals you need. I'm not familiar with health care outside of the US (I'm guessing you're in the UK but I'm not positive), but you might try exploring some of the resources here: https://www.b-eat.co.uk/
You already know that drastically cutting calories doesn't work. You know that it's bad for you, both physically and mentally. I know that it has to be so frustrating to see slow weight loss, especially when you feel so badly right now, but it's an approach you haven't tried. Could you try to invest yourself in a slow weight loss approach for a defined period of time (maybe 12-16 weeks)? Fully commit to it for that period of time, and tell yourself that if you don't feel better after that period of time, you can explore other options. (Note that I'm not encouraging you to explore other methods of fast weight loss! I just find that I can more easily commit to a course of action if I know I'm giving myself a set period of time to see if it works). I'd bet that slower, more sustainable weight loss will help your emotional state as well as your physical state, whereas setting yourself up for another restrict/binge/etc. cycle is going to make you sicker and less emotionally healthy.0 -
You were abused and developed an eating disorder - likely because it gave you some control over something in your life. Please please please - find a different doctor. Keep going until someone understands what you've been through and helps you find the appropriate treatment for your eating disorder. Find services for battered women in your area - mental health treatment, group therapy, etc.
I survived an abusive relationship. I truly feel the pain that you are going through. It doesn't get better until you have help. I am so sorry. Please remember - none of this was your fault. Feel free to add me as a friend and message me if you just want to talk about what you've gone through.2 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »I'm very sorry you had to endure that.
You have an eating disorder and need a treatment team. Call your doctor back and get those referrals.
This. You need a specialist who can help you navigate through this.2 -
Agree with so many others, you need to see a professional that can help you. Sounds like you might need to switch to a better doctor as well, doesn't sound like he/she took your concerns seriously.0
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I count two abusers; the ex and the doctor. To be so dismissive of your concerns is despicable. I'd insist on those referrals and then report the doctor to his governing board.
It seems you have found a winner with your fiancée. Now all you have to do is break the old destructive messages going off in your head. The good, positive messages you are getting today are the ones that count. Don't let history drown you.1 -
I can feel the pain you are in just reading your post. You need to see that psychologist for sure. I would remind your doctor and if he doesn't help see another doctor. I'm sure you've seen posts on here telling people not to starve themselves. There is a reason for that. If you eat too low your body will use muscle to make up the missing calories. Your heart is a muscle! This is dangerous. Please try to get on a balanced reasonable amount of calories to lose weight safely absolutely no less that 1200 for a woman. I'm guessing you are around 190 pounds if I'm calculating Stone correctly which depending on your height means you can probably start out shooting for 2 pounds a week. That is the absolute most you should be losing unless you are under a doctor's care. You will likely need to get over your "food is bad" mentality and I think a psychologist can be helpful there. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be healthy! Take your time my friend to get to a normal weight. I'ts taken me 1.5 years to lose 86 pounds. During that time I have learned so much. Also my stomach has had time to adjust to smaller meals and ironically if I eat too much I feel sick. These changes take time but will help you maintain the loss. Remember this isn't really a diet... You are changing your lifestyle. Good luck and take care of yourself.1
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I'm so sorry that these bad things have happened to you, truly I feel your pain screaming through your post. You have an eating disorder and you need to push your gp to refer you, maybe even go to a new one. Don't let them fob you off, you deserve to be well and you deserve access to treatment. I hope beyond hope that you find peace and wellness soon.0
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No one thinks you're lazy. It sounds like you have an eating disorder, and like you're pretty depressed. I can totally relate to the mirror thing, I did the same thing a few years back. As much as I hated myself, it couldn't compare to how much I hated to look at myself. I was embarrassed to leave the house. The only time I felt even a tiny bit better was if I could control my intake and also briefly during a binge (but not after). So you're not alone in your feelings. But you can find relief.
Your doctor is an *kitten*. Get the referral or can you maybe look into it yourself? I know it's incredibly hard to take that first step, but it's totally worth it. You're amazing for sharing your story here, I'll bet it resonates with many, many people on this website. Go see a specialist, push until you find one you click with. It's life changing.
And congratulations on the what sounds like a wonderful relationship! You sound very intelligent, and look beautiful in your profile picture. I hope you get in to see someone.0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »I'm very sorry you had to endure that.
You have an eating disorder and need a treatment team. Call your doctor back and get those referrals.
This!! It's actually not uncommon for referrals to get forgotten. Call the doctor, get the referrals. Get help.2 -
I am living with trust issues and the best thing to do is find a trusted doctor and a trusted friend to help you work through this. Finding the right counselor was the best thing I ever did, immediately I felt better and a couple sessions in I'm confident enough in his help that I make phone appointments when I can't get around to seeing him because it's better than not seeing him at all. I'm doing better, my over health is better and my anxiety is better. Now I am able to focus on things in life that I want to, and you can get to this place too. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to work our way to the top of the mountain ❤️1
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I am very sorry for the things you have had to endure. What you have described is an eating disorder. Oftentimes when people are in bad, abusive situations like yours, everything feels out of control, so they find something they can control. Food.
The thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that you got OUT of that situation, which sadly many women don't. You now have a loving fiancé who supports you and loves you. After all, this isn't really about your looks (which is hard to remember, I know!!). It is about your health - physical and mental - and your relationship with food.
Unfortunately there are a lot of sucky doctors out there. I recommend that you start by finding a psychologist/psychiatrist, who specializes in eating disorders, rather than your general doctor. The therapist will able to help you with finding a dietitian, if it is decided that you need one. Above also else, remember that this is a mental problem, with physical symptoms, and it needs to be treated accordingly.2 -
I,m sorry this happened to you but not first time I,'ve heard similar story.
1. Call doctor office and ask for referrals
2. When referrals are in place, get a different doctor. You need to trust your provider. Good health will take you and provider in harmony.
All the best0 -
Check with your own insurance, if you have any, if you need that doctor's referral. I'm in the States and my insurance through work lets me go directly and not through the main doctor. Then get a new doctor even if you can book the psychiatrist and nutritionist yourself. You know you need help, that doctor is a general practitioner, not a psychiatrist and it's not his call. You deserve the best. Don't ever doubt that.0
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quiksylver296 wrote: »I'm very sorry you had to endure that.
You have an eating disorder and need a treatment team. Call your doctor back and get those referrals.
^I agree with this 100%0 -
You definitely should seek some help if you can not allow yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. The first step is to acknowledge what your goals are and use it as motivation. Do not look at yourself in disgust and hide, but rather look in the mirror and see a challenge. Trust in your other half and allow him to help you as well. He seems to be supportive and willing to stand by you. Embrace what/who you have in your life and let go of the past. The future is bright if you take the time to get out of your own way and live life. Relax and have some fun and the lack of stress and anxiety will make far more fundamental changes than anything you have tried in the past.0
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