Advice Please? My boyfriend no longer eats

mrtentaclenun · July 2011

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and the entire time in our relationship he has always been the one eating a ridiculous amount of food (entire cakes, entire goats, entire turkeys, etc) and egging me on to eat more (darn him and his good intentions! not everyone can eat like you!). He is one of those people you hate who can eat SO MUCH FOOD but still be skinny and in amazing shape. Before we met he used to be obsessed with body building, like 3am flex in a mirror "oh my left arm is smaller *work out left arm*" kind of thing. He still has crazy metabolism and since his job is electrical work/construction he is constantly active. Because of all this he is still in really good shape, slim, muscles, all that jazz

However! As of February his mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He is THE BIGGEST mommas boy you'd ever meet. He has taken it really really well (rather hides any pain really really well) and its been getting really stressful (stopped the chemo, 2 weeks left or so, constant pain etc). The last month or so I noticed he stopped eating. His job has him working so much (and in new buildings without a/c so its in the 100s in there) that he drinks a TON of water so he never feels like eating on his lunch, or will have a sandwich, something small. I tried making him breakfast just to make him eat more during the day but it made him really sick so he asked me not to make him breakfast anymore. The only time he eats now is after work, and not right away. He will eat around 7 or 8pm when he comes over to my house only because I made big dinners for us to make sure he eats. Last night we were at his house, and his dad made dinner. (Side note: they are from Bosnia and don't eat American food. I am debilitatingly picky with eating so I never eat anything over there). So I did not eat what his dad made, and my boyfriend and I are both (frustratingly, I am trying to stop it) the type of people who "if you don't eat I'm not going to eat". I managed to get him to eat a tiny bit but that's it.

I don't know what else to do. He is tired all of the time, barely eating, major headaches all the time, working such a physically demanding job so he really does need to be eating more. I know he is stressed because of his mom so I am sure that has a lot to do with it but he really needs to worry about his own health too.

What can I say to him? Is my only choice to just keep trying to make dinners for him? Thanks for any advice guys

Alissa_Sal · July 2011

1. (And as a complete side note) - definitely try to get over the "I'm not going to eat if you're not" compulsion. I used to be the same way, but it's just not healthy. You should be listening to your own body's cues to tell you when you are (and are not) hungry, and so should he. Sharing a meal is nice, but not so important that you need to starve (or eat when you're not hungry) just to keep on the same schedule.

2. It sounds like your boyfriend is going through some depression, most likely because of his mom's health issues. Would he be willing to talk to his doctor about it?

Pfauxmeh · July 2011

I'm sorry he's taking everything so hard. Everyone takes grief differently and being sensitive to his pain is one thing, but I also would NOT stand by while he withers away.

That sounds like such a difficult situation. I remember once my boyfriend (before he became my husband) was so scared to eat around my family and I that he WOULDN'T...I somehow didn't even notice. One day, he passed out right in front of me and I freaked out. All it took was a heart to heart conversation and a piece of cake was devoured. I can't say that it will be that easy for you, but, well, have you spoken to him a lot on the subject? You should tell him how much you love him and hate seeing him like that...and I'm sure his mom wouldn't want to see him like that either.

My dad does a lot of the same kind of work your boyfriend does and he mostly doesn't eat all day, then he goes home and eats a huge meal. If you want I can show him a picture of how overweight he is and tell him "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!" lol, I love my dad, but yeah.

Best of luck to the both of you.

chevy88grl · July 2011

I don't think there's anything you can really do. He's an adult and in all honesty, he will do what he wants to do. If you making dinner means he'll eat - then I say, yes.. make dinner.

Working in the heat is probably contributing to the lack of appetite too. Imagine working all day in 100+ degree weather. I know *I* wouldn't feel like eating. I would want a ton of water and that's about it.

I wouldn't push or pressure him. I WOULD tell him you're concerned about him not eating, offer to make dinner every night and let it go at that. Unfortunately, you can't force him to eat. Tell him if he wants to talk - you will listen.

HeatherScents · July 2011

Aw, sweetie, he sounds depressed. The not eating is just a symptom of that. Is there any type of counseling available at the hospital for the family members of people undergoing palliative care?

2bFitNTrim · July 2011

People handle stress differently, and it's obviously taking a toll on him. Would a counselor help? I don't know if he'd be receptive to that or not, but it's a suggestion. Stress, mix in a little depression, and the body suffers. Good luck to you both!

bluebelle00 · July 2011

Pancreatic cancer is a horrible disease. My sister-in-law just lost her mom to it.
It's really important for you to support him and the family as much as possible during this time. Encourage your boyfriend to take care of himself so that he can be a comfort to his mom. She doesn't have much time left, it's a terrible situation to be in, and it won't make it any easier if he feels miserable physically. He should consider taking some time off work to spend with his mom too. He'll never get another chance to do it once she's gone.

igora_soma · July 2011

I'm sorry to hear about his mother, that is very sad. It definitely sounds like his body and mind are under a lot of stress. If you haven't, maybe sit down and have a heart to heart and let him know that you are worried about him. I'm sure by telling him directly he will listen more. You can offer your full support and maybe ask him to share what he's feeling. Be light about it, because he may not want to discuss it, but at least you've let him know that you care. I think he will really like the reassurance/support.

Good luck!

CindiJ · July 2011

It sounds like he has enough stress in his life without having the "eat, eat, eat" pressure, too, no matter how well intentioned. Rather than push big meals on him that he clearly doesn't want, why not have healthy light options available that he can eat when he feels ready or on the run. When he's worked through the emotional distress of his Mother's illness, he'll probably get his appetite back.

Minoesh · July 2011

I agree, it does sound like depression, symptoms very similar to my fiance who has recently, after many years of suffering, been diagnosed with depression. Your boyfriend may not feel depressed or unhappy (mine didn't) and I would definitely recommend he sees a healthcare professional. Depression is less about feeling unhappy and more about suppressing feelings and emotions which will then manifest in other ways. I wish you both everything of the best, be strong for him but please make sure you take care of your own needs too - you will both come through this, just give it some time.

maureendonahue · July 2011

Many people don't eat when under really serious stress. Believe it or not, I am one of them. (Unfortunately, I eat AFTER the stress is over.) When my Mom was dying, I did the same thing your boyfriend is doing. So what helped? My daughter sat me down (and she's only 19) and told me she was worried about me. She was pretty blunt and told me that I would not be able to help my mom or anyone else if I got sick because I was not eating. She brought me small snacks (an orange, package of peanuts, things like that) to have in my mom's room because I could not (really it was would not) leave. Sandwiches were good too. They are fairly light and I could get what I needed food wise. The other thing was Carnation Instant Breakfast. Lots of protien and calories in an easy to consume form.

Once mom was gone and everything was over, the not eating stopped and I went completely overboard (Gained 15 lbs in 3 months). Don't be surprised if that happens.

I am sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult time.

joejccva71 · July 2011

Sorry your boyfriend is going through this tough time. He's getting sick because it's obvious that he's not eating enough, but here's another problem. I'll give you an example.

A friend of mine is 28 years old and works construction doing 10 hour sometimes 12 hour days. Then he goes home and works around the house outside in the yard or whatever. He also jogs late at night for 5-7 miles.

I did a test with him, and I found out that he burns over 7000 calories in a 24 hour period.

He keeps telling me, "Joe help me gain weight, help me gain muscle!" I tell him that he would have to eat an entire Thanksgiving dinner by himself in order to gain any weight. We both laugh.

But it's serious. I bet your boyfriend burns a hell of alot of calories so when he doesn't eat, he's getting sick. He will eventually get really sick too.

He needs to try to force himself to eat.

michaeljj67 · July 2011

I've worked in the healthcare industry for many years, in oncology and hematology in particular, and my knee jerk reaction is your boyfriend is exhibiting signs of depression. Depression is extremely common in cancer patients, caregivers and family members of cancer patients. Personally, I battled depression in the early 2000's, and completely lost my appetite for months. I was similar in that I had no appetite and eating would make me nauseous.

Given how strenuous your boyfriend's job is, he simply cannot afford to not be eating. In general, I would advise you to get him to a counselor to talk about the pain he's feeling (no doubt). That may be difficult, given his age, stereotypes about needing help, etc. As a secondary step, get him to just see his primary care physician about his lack of appetite. Inevitably, his PCP will have him take a short questionnaire about depression, and it will probably indicate that he is depressed. Sometimes a short course of an anti-depressant can get him back on track to eating, and help him cope with his mother's illness. There's no question that there are stereotypes about needing/having to take anti-depressants, but maybe this is where you can get his parents involved. He might follow their advice/directives.

Good luck!

moxleymama6 · July 2011

My husband doesn't eat until he gets home on days when its really hot. It makes him physically sick.

Sorry about his momma!

frankiesats · July 2011

Pancreatic cancer is a horrible horrible illness and I am so sorry that he is having to go through this traumatic time. His mum may be eating very little as a result of the chemo and it may be affecting him, sometimes people copy people they love when they are ill as a support mechanism without even realise this is what they are doing.

Try not to put pressure on him eating, don't encourage him or make a fuss when he doesn't eat - this will just make him stressed, sad and worried about himself.

I've watched a parent suffer through cancer and it is horrible. And very likely he is suffering from depression. Remind him that you are there for him and love him, make sure he feels he can talk to you whatever the time of day. Try and give him things to look forward to and where you can, you can include food in these.

Supporting him through this will be very challenging for you both- best wishes for your family xx

koosdel · July 2011

He ate an entire goat?

Heather75 · July 2011

He ate an entire goat?

And an entire turkey?

StrongHeart · July 2011

He may not feel like eating solid food because of the stress and emotional anxiety he is going through right now.
See if you can get him to atleast drink Ensure or Boost. Make sure they are the high protein formulas.
I lost my dad to cancer so I have an idea of what he is going through emotionally.
The meal replacement shakes are not ideal long term, but they are better than nothing and easier on the stomach than solid food.
Some kind of counseling may be in order also.
I hope this helps. {hugs}

anubis609 · July 2011

He ate an entire goat?

And an entire turkey?

And an entire cake?

crazymama2two · July 2011

He ate an entire goat?

And an entire turkey?

im still on the goat thing....i can't get past it.

heart to heart - and he needs to realize in order to be there to take care of his mom he needs to take care of himself -- on a side note, my husband works on phone lines and he comes home with half or more of his lunch not eaten cause it's too damn hot to eat...so make him his favorite healthy food for you both and have the heart to heart over dinner - because as a mom, i've learned that the best time for heart to hearts is when youre not staring straight in the eyes and feel uncomfortable .. if that makes sense...OR take him out to his favorite restaurant for said heart to heart and he can't leave

im infamous for talks with tween in car

she can't run away

poledancing_ninja · July 2011

His mum would want him to take care of himself

jfinnivan · July 2011

It might just be that he will continue this way until he can't work anymore. If he ends up in the hospital, they'll either get him to eat, or feed him intravenously. Or maybe he will eventually realize that he needs to eat more the worse he feels. Not much you can do about it.

A whole goat? Really? I'm impressed.

chocolateandvodka · July 2011

He ate an entire goat?

And an entire turkey?

im still on the goat thing....i can't get past it.

heart to heart - and he needs to realize in order to be there to take care of his mom he needs to take care of himself -- on a side note, my husband works on phone lines and he comes home with half or more of his lunch not eaten cause it's too damn hot to eat...so make him his favorite healthy food for you both and have the heart to heart over dinner - because as a mom, i've learned that the best time for heart to hearts is when youre not staring straight in the eyes and feel uncomfortable .. if that makes sense...OR take him out to his favorite restaurant for said heart to heart and he can't leave im infamous for talks with tween in car she can't run away

as someone who was a teen a very short while ago and now has zero connection to parents... i am all for the talks in car thing. even when i don't agree with my parents (note: 99% of the time) i'd prefer car talks over no talking. jmo.

edit: goat?? :noway: :noway: :noway: i can't even do goat milk/cheese...

NatalieWinning · July 2011

Protein/nutrition calorie rich shakes and some profesional help.

mrtentaclenun · July 2011

Thanks for all the kind words guys, it really does help.

Unfortunately, he saw a LOT in the Bosnian/Serbian war (he fought in it) and doesn't believe in depression because of it. (Frustrating in itself as I suffer from depression). He would have to be bleeding everywhere just to go to a doctor. (Not kidding, he was stabbed once and sewed it himself to avoid a doctor. He is a bit ridiculous in the manly mindset, another frustrating quality. Its ok to admit when you're hurt or sick!).

It seems like my best bet is just continue to be there for him and support him and not stress him out about not eating. In time I'm sure he will be back to his old ways.

As for the cake/goak/turkey, those were not all in one sitting! Each one was its own special occassion. Like I said, he is a bottomless pit for food. I made him 12 hot dogs one time and he stopped not from being full but from being bored of hot dogs.

Thanks again guys for your support! I knew I could count on you guys.

odusgolp · July 2011

Honestly... it's temporary. He's not going to die of starvation or get seriously ill. He will eat when he feels like it, honest.

His mother is dying. I would leave him be. Some people don't eat when they're under massive stress - I'm one of them. The appetite comes back eventually.

Keep cooking for him, but certainly don't push the point.

Just my two cents.

candiigraham · July 2011

Honestly... it's temporary. He's not going to die of starvation or get seriously ill. He will eat when he feels like it, honest.

His mother is dying. I would leave him be. Some people don't eat when they're under massive stress - I'm one of them. The appetite comes back eventually.

Keep cooking for him, but certainly don't push the point.

Just my two cents.

I agree with her, when I'm sad and stressed I won't eat for days. But I eventually made up for it. My ex worked in the heat and his stomach just couldn't take a lot of food. Give him to go shakes, Muscle Milk is a good one and just keep cooking for him. It's temporary. If he shows some really serious signs, like missing 2 or more days of NO solid foods then I would worry more. Just my 2 cents.

Ssocrrbabe · July 2011

It sounds like your boyfriend is going through the stages of depression and most likely he subconsciously isn't eating because that is how he is dealing with his mom's impending death. Meaning food consumption is one of the few things that a human can control, so maybe supconsciously he is controlling how much he eats because he feels that everything else going on in his life is out of control. Even though its hard I definelty would sit down and have aheart-to-heart. Tell him you're concerned about his health and want him around for a long time and that he needs to eat to be strong (Maybe be alittle manipulative and play up that he needs to eat to be strong so he can be there fre his mom in her time of need and not have him also be getting sick) I kno I know kinda manipulative but it may work. Just my advice. You could also try asking him what he would like to eat and making him his favorite meal as a precursor to this heart-to-heart talk.

NatalieWinning · July 2011

Thanks for all the kind words guys, it really does help.

Unfortunately, he saw a LOT in the Bosnian/Serbian war (he fought in it) and doesn't believe in depression because of it. (Frustrating in itself as I suffer from depression). He would have to be bleeding everywhere just to go to a doctor. (Not kidding, he was stabbed once and sewed it himself to avoid a doctor. He is a bit ridiculous in the manly mindset, another frustrating quality. Its ok to admit when you're hurt or sick!).

It seems like my best bet is just continue to be there for him and support him and not stress him out about not eating. In time I'm sure he will be back to his old ways.

As for the cake/goak/turkey, those were not all in one sitting! Each one was its own special occassion. Like I said, he is a bottomless pit for food. I made him 12 hot dogs one time and he stopped not from being full but from being bored of hot dogs.

Thanks again guys for your support! I knew I could count on you guys.

You know, those manly man guys are sort of out of your hands. You can be there for him only so much, and then you have to know you have to take care of yourself, too. You can only change yourself. Plus you will need to remember you have limits for your mental health, and know when you need a break.

Jennyisbusy · July 2011

A lot of good advice here! Will he eat any kind of nuts? It's easy to get a lot of calories an protein in a few handfuls. When I did manual labor outside the only lunch I would eat was cold turkey rolled and an orange.

Trailmix could be a quick mindless grab for him.

Advice Please? My boyfriend no longer eats

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