I'm getting really worried about my brother....
livi_cowgirl
Posts: 198 Member
He eats nothing but McDonalds, Takeaway and junk food. He usually only eats once or twice a day but when he does eat his calories can top over 3000 per meal. He does zero exercise. Quite literally, the only exercise he gets is the occasional walk between his room and the front room, which can't be any more ten small steps. He is shockingly lazy. My mum runs around after him constantly. And believe me people, I have argued with them both about this till I am blue in the face but I always loose.
He hasn't been weighed in a very long time but I would guess he is around 35 stone.
I try to cook decent meals but he always refuses to eat them and since I can't stand waste, I have given up cooking for him now. I have tried to get him out of the house to get exercise but on the rare occasion he does leave the house it's just down the stairs and into a taxi, so again, next to no exercise.
I tried to get him to watch Supersize Me, the documentary that shows how bad for you McDonalds is but he refused to watch it, claiming he is healthy and doesn't eat anywhere near that much. But I counted, he can sometimes pack away 4 double cheeseburgers and 2 medium fries, 5 times a week. He drinks high sugary fizzy juice too. Not to mention the take aways which can be as many as 4 or 5 times a week and it's always high fatty food like pizza, kababs, chips etc.
I have told him on numerous occasions what this food is doing to him but he doesn't listen, just claims he is healthy. Although my brother listens to no one and respects no one, I believe that the only one who can change his habits is my mum because she is the one who enables him by going out and bringing the junk in, by running around after him constantly. I argue with her about this every day, I even go so far as to say the meanest things to her to try to get through to her but it never sinks in. The other night we had that same argument and she answered it the same way... "he doesn't eat as bad as he used to, and that's all he eats." We went on like that for a while and I got frustrated. I stormed out the room telling her to start saving for his coffin. I felt awful for saying that and almost immediately apologised, but that doesn't mean what I said didn't have some truth to it. And as you can no doubt guess, as shocking as it was, it done no good anyway.
I am seriously at my wits end. I'm not my brothers biggest fan, in fact there was a time not too long ago when I would have happily have killed him myself, but I don't want to see him in the ground at 40. And if he keeps on like this, that's exactly where he is headed.
Bottom line here, I don't know what else to do with him. He just doesn't want help and my mum doesn't want the bother of changing her habits. So, I am begging you all, give me anything and everything you've got in the way of ideas. Something I haven't tried. Thank you. x
He hasn't been weighed in a very long time but I would guess he is around 35 stone.
I try to cook decent meals but he always refuses to eat them and since I can't stand waste, I have given up cooking for him now. I have tried to get him out of the house to get exercise but on the rare occasion he does leave the house it's just down the stairs and into a taxi, so again, next to no exercise.
I tried to get him to watch Supersize Me, the documentary that shows how bad for you McDonalds is but he refused to watch it, claiming he is healthy and doesn't eat anywhere near that much. But I counted, he can sometimes pack away 4 double cheeseburgers and 2 medium fries, 5 times a week. He drinks high sugary fizzy juice too. Not to mention the take aways which can be as many as 4 or 5 times a week and it's always high fatty food like pizza, kababs, chips etc.
I have told him on numerous occasions what this food is doing to him but he doesn't listen, just claims he is healthy. Although my brother listens to no one and respects no one, I believe that the only one who can change his habits is my mum because she is the one who enables him by going out and bringing the junk in, by running around after him constantly. I argue with her about this every day, I even go so far as to say the meanest things to her to try to get through to her but it never sinks in. The other night we had that same argument and she answered it the same way... "he doesn't eat as bad as he used to, and that's all he eats." We went on like that for a while and I got frustrated. I stormed out the room telling her to start saving for his coffin. I felt awful for saying that and almost immediately apologised, but that doesn't mean what I said didn't have some truth to it. And as you can no doubt guess, as shocking as it was, it done no good anyway.
I am seriously at my wits end. I'm not my brothers biggest fan, in fact there was a time not too long ago when I would have happily have killed him myself, but I don't want to see him in the ground at 40. And if he keeps on like this, that's exactly where he is headed.
Bottom line here, I don't know what else to do with him. He just doesn't want help and my mum doesn't want the bother of changing her habits. So, I am begging you all, give me anything and everything you've got in the way of ideas. Something I haven't tried. Thank you. x
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Replies
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Hate to tell you this, but until he wants to do something about it, there is NOTHING that you can do about it. You can only be responsible for your own weight loss and health (and your children's if you have any). The best thing you can do is stop stressing over it and continue to do what you are doing. Perhaps when he sees that you are losing and looking good and being healthier, he will want that too. In the meanwhile, we all come to it in our own time and in our own way and no one is going to convince us that it is time before we are ready to make the necessary changes.0
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Maybe you can try to incorporate healthier versions of the food he likes into his diet...for example, try turkey burgers instead of McDonalds cheese burgers. Try fries cooked in the oven instead of deep fried. That sounds better then what he is eating now. The burgers really don't taste that much different with some fried onion and condiments on it. You obviously care for your brother very much but unfortunately for some people it takes a good scare to change their lifestyle. I hope for your brothers sake that don't happen. I wish you luck.0
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I assume he is adult, right? Then you´ve done your best and there is nothing more to it - you can lead a camel to the water but you can never ever force it to drink...0
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Wow, I really can't offer any advice but didnt want to read and run. I guess this is one of those things that folk have to realise for themselves and unfortunately not everyone does realise in time.
The only thing I can suggest is to keep plodding on on your own weight loss and maybe when he sees you succeeding he might realise that if you can do it he can too. As for your mum, do you think there is a bit of her that is scared that if he loses weight he may get a social life. a partner and move out (i'm presuming he lives with your mum)0 -
I don't really think that he doesn't care for himself and think he's healthy.. I think it's more eating food maybe to hide his insecurities?
An eating disorder doesn't always have to go to the low sizes (anorexia) but can absolutely go in the other way as well ( binge-eating ) . Have you tried speaking to a doctor about your situation at home? Maybe he would have some solutions or good show you some programmes which could be good for your brother to take part to. I wish you all the best !0 -
Are you religious? Because if so, this is the right time to step back, put it in God's hands, and just pray for him. No amount of manipulation (and face it, that's what you're really trying to do) is going to change people--even if it works, it's only surface deep. True change comes from within. The only person you have the power to change is yourself. It's hard, and it hurts, but sometimes you just have to let people make mistakes, even when you love them.0
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Maybe you can try to incorporate healthier versions of the food he likes into his diet...for example, try turkey burgers instead of McDonalds cheese burgers. Try fries cooked in the oven instead of deep fried.
I have tried all this before. He doesn't want to know. But thank you for your reply. x0 -
I assume he is adult, right? Then you´ve done your best and there is nothing more to it - you can lead a camel to the water but you can never ever force it to drink...
Yes, he is an adult. He is my twin actually. 26. Thank you for your reply. x0 -
Wow, I really can't offer any advice but didnt want to read and run. I guess this is one of those things that folk have to realise for themselves and unfortunately not everyone does realise in time.
The only thing I can suggest is to keep plodding on on your own weight loss and maybe when he sees you succeeding he might realise that if you can do it he can too. As for your mum, do you think there is a bit of her that is scared that if he loses weight he may get a social life. a partner and move out (i'm presuming he lives with your mum)
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
What you say about my mum could be true (although I would hate to think she was that manipulative). She knows that as soon as I get enough money, I am moving out so it is possible that she is trying to keep him in the nest, so to speak. x0 -
Its sad and you are a great sister for trying to help him. But, the reality is, that until he is willing to take responsibility for what he puts into his mouth and to take control of his weight, there is nothing you can do other than encourage him to try. As someone who tried for years to diet for the sake of others (my mother namely), it never worked until I decided to do it for me. I know this probably isn't the answer you wanted to here but it is the truth. I wish you both the best. :flowerforyou:0
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I assume he is adult, right? Then you´ve done your best and there is nothing more to it - you can lead a camel to the water but you can never ever force it to drink...
Precisely.0 -
I don't really think that he doesn't care for himself and think he's healthy.. I think it's more eating food maybe to hide his insecurities?
An eating disorder doesn't always have to go to the low sizes (anorexia) but can absolutely go in the other way as well ( binge-eating ) . Have you tried speaking to a doctor about your situation at home? Maybe he would have some solutions or good show you some programmes which could be good for your brother to take part to. I wish you all the best !
I agree, I think he uses food as a substitute for a social life, maybe even to some extent, intimacy, I'm not sure. I have considered talking to a doctor about it, but I'm not exactly sure what they can do. I mean, patient confidentiality for one, and for another, they can't do much for him if he won't go to see them and he almost never leaves the house. Thank you for your reply. x0 -
I have a person like this, not a brother but a young man around the same age. I put the information in front of him and I have to let go. It makes me mad and sad, but sometimes you just have to let go. It is stressing you which isn't good for your weight loss. Take care of yourself! Your mum is enabling (something about mums and their sons!) but he is still an adult. Set an example in your behavior and lifestyle and continue to love them both. It isn't easy, but neither is life. Let Go and Let God has been my mantra many times. Wishing you luck on your journey. :flowerforyou: ((hugs))0
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In all honesty, it might be safer to back off for a bit. Brothers can be stubborn *kitten*, especially when it comes to A) Their own wrongdoing and
Being told what to do by a sister.
I speak from experience!!
What I can say to you is this: Keep going on your healthy journey. Your brother will see how happy it makes you. He will resist for a long time, but will eventually realize what it right.
Keep inviting him to eat with you, but DON'T say that it's because you want to get him to eat better. If he turns you down, shrug it off.
Good luck on your venture, you are doing great!!0 -
Are you religious? Because if so, this is the right time to step back, put it in God's hands, and just pray for him. No amount of manipulation (and face it, that's what you're really trying to do) is going to change people--even if it works, it's only surface deep. True change comes from within. The only person you have the power to change is yourself. It's hard, and it hurts, but sometimes you just have to let people make mistakes, even when you love them.
I'm an Atheist actually.
And I wouldn't call it manipulation, I'd call it trying to help him.
"put it in Gods hands" "true change comes from within" so which is it?
Thanks for your reply.0 -
Its sad and you are a great sister for trying to help him. But, the reality is, that until he is willing to take responsibility for what he puts into his mouth and to take control of his weight, there is nothing you can do other than encourage him to try. As someone who tried for years to diet for the sake of others (my mother namely), it never worked until I decided to do it for me. I know this probably isn't the answer you wanted to here but it is the truth. I wish you both the best. :flowerforyou:
Thank you for your reply x0 -
In all honesty, it might be safer to back off for a bit. Brothers can be stubborn *kitten*, especially when it comes to A) Their own wrongdoing and Being told what to do by a sister.
I speak from experience!!
What I can say to you is this: Keep going on your healthy journey. Your brother will see how happy it makes you. He will resist for a long time, but will eventually realize what it right.
Keep inviting him to eat with you, but DON'T say that it's because you want to get him to eat better. If he turns you down, shrug it off.
Good luck on your venture, you are doing great!!
Thank you. I will keep trying that as you say. It's gotta work eventually, right? x0 -
I have a person like this, not a brother but a young man around the same age. I put the information in front of him and I have to let go. It makes me mad and sad, but sometimes you just have to let go. It is stressing you which isn't good for your weight loss. Take care of yourself! Your mum is enabling (something about mums and their sons!) but he is still an adult. Set an example in your behavior and lifestyle and continue to love them both. It isn't easy, but neither is life. Let Go and Let God has been my mantra many times. Wishing you luck on your journey. :flowerforyou: ((hugs))
It does make me sad and mad, especially since it is hurting my relationship with my mum. I'm so sick of fighting with her all the time. But I honestly think she is the only one who can actually help him. I mean, if she doesn't bring the junk in, he can't eat it. He has to eat what's in the house, which is usually healthy stuff. Thank you for your reply. x0 -
Focus on your journey and let him see the difference in you. It is his decision to make, not yours! PUt your energy toward yourself and decide what you can do for you. That small step may make a difference for him. The more you hound him or your mom the less likely they are to make a change.0
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Hate to tell you this, but until he wants to do something about it, there is NOTHING that you can do about it. You can only be responsible for your own weight loss and health (and your children's if you have any). The best thing you can do is stop stressing over it and continue to do what you are doing. Perhaps when he sees that you are losing and looking good and being healthier, he will want that too. In the meanwhile, we all come to it in our own time and in our own way and no one is going to convince us that it is time before we are ready to make the necessary changes.
Well said. I agree.
You've got to unconcern yourself with it for your own sanity. It sounds like he doesn't have much of a life, so nothing to stick around for. He's probably seriously depressed, too. All you can do is live your life and hope to inspire others by just being you. Good luck!0 -
I'm afraid there is nothing you can do my other half is 300+ lb and eats junk all day and unless he chooses to change there is nothing i can do about . I've decided to look after myself and if he decides to join me then great but if not its his choice0
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Focus on your journey and let him see the difference in you. It is his decision to make, not yours! PUt your energy toward yourself and decide what you can do for you. That small step may make a difference for him. The more you hound him or your mom the less likely they are to make a change.
Thank you for your reply. x0 -
Hate to tell you this, but until he wants to do something about it, there is NOTHING that you can do about it. You can only be responsible for your own weight loss and health (and your children's if you have any). The best thing you can do is stop stressing over it and continue to do what you are doing. Perhaps when he sees that you are losing and looking good and being healthier, he will want that too. In the meanwhile, we all come to it in our own time and in our own way and no one is going to convince us that it is time before we are ready to make the necessary changes.
Well said. I agree.
You've got to unconcern yourself with it for your own sanity. It sounds like he doesn't have much of a life, so nothing to stick around for. He's probably seriously depressed, too. All you can do is live your life and hope to inspire others by just being you. Good luck!
Thank you for your reply. I know all of those who say leave him and focus on my own weight loss are right but at the same time I just keep thinking, what if he dies because of this and I didn't do anything. Would you leave a drug addict to shoot up til death, would you leave an alcoholic to drink themselves to death, cos it's the same thing.0 -
I'm afraid there is nothing you can do my other half is 300+ lb and eats junk all day and unless he chooses to change there is nothing i can do about . I've decided to look after myself and if he decides to join me then great but if not its his choice
Thank you for your reply. x0 -
It's so hard to watch someone you love basically disintegrate in front of you. I'm doing it right now. I think a lot of the problem is psychological. Like the others had said, you can tell him until you're blue in the face and he's not going to change unless he wants to. 26 is still young, one day he's going to get a scare and hopefully that will put him on the right track. My brother is 30 and the same way. I know a heart attack is imminent. My dad fell over dead at 56; and that was my wake up call. Sometimes an unfortunate situation is the only catalyst for change.0
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Thank you for your reply. I know all of those who say leave him and focus on my own weight loss are right but at the same time I just keep thinking, what if he dies because of this and I didn't do anything. Would you leave a drug addict to shoot up til death, would you leave an alcoholic to drink themselves to death, cos it's the same thing.
Yes, it is EXACTLY the same thing, and you cannot stop the alcoholic or the junkie either. My husband is an alcoholic and HE had to decide when to go to AA for help. HE has to decide to keep going to meetings, HE has to put himself into the hands of the Higher Power. I cannot do it for him or hound him into it. It's a tough lesson to learn but that IS the way it is. You can keep on fighting w/your mom and nagging your brother but your chances of sucess are extremely slim to nonexistent.
Best wishes.0 -
I had to reply after seeing your (OP) comment relating your brother's situation to a drug addict and you are right. My sister was a drug addict. It was hell trying to figure out how to get her to deal with her addiction and it almost tore my family apart. We all had different ways to try to get her to see what she was doing to herself - my dad tried tough love and getting angry at her, my mom tried the opposite, I cried at her pleading to get help. We all had the same thoughts you did - what if she ends up in jail or worse and I didn't do all that I could? But you know what? She didn't get help until SHE was ready to and came to us saying that she wanted to change. And now four years later I have a healthy, happy sister who I love so, so much. I know it may feel like nothing's ever going to change, but it can. But like others have said, you will just have to wait until your brother is ready to change. I agree with those who have said to just lead quietly by example. Good luck with it all. I know it can be a real drag when family stuff like this is going on, but keep going on your journey and keep your chin up
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Hate to tell you this, but until he wants to do something about it, there is NOTHING that you can do about it. You can only be responsible for your own weight loss and health (and your children's if you have any). The best thing you can do is stop stressing over it and continue to do what you are doing. Perhaps when he sees that you are losing and looking good and being healthier, he will want that too. In the meanwhile, we all come to it in our own time and in our own way and no one is going to convince us that it is time before we are ready to make the necessary changes.
Well said. I agree.
You've got to unconcern yourself with it for your own sanity. It sounds like he doesn't have much of a life, so nothing to stick around for. He's probably seriously depressed, too. All you can do is live your life and hope to inspire others by just being you. Good luck!
Thank you for your reply. I know all of those who say leave him and focus on my own weight loss are right but at the same time I just keep thinking, what if he dies because of this and I didn't do anything. Would you leave a drug addict to shoot up til death, would you leave an alcoholic to drink themselves to death, cos it's the same thing.
Well, maybe I'm a bad example, cuz yeah. I would. I'd try for awhile. A LONG TIME probably. But, eventually, I would throw my hands up and let it go. I'd never cease to remind them that I'm here for them (unless they wronged me in some way) but yeah, I would. And my suggestion is to other people to do the same. It's you or him, honey. If he doesn't respect you (or himself) enough to even HEAR you, then it's futile. But, however you choose to handle it, best of luck.0 -
It's so hard to watch someone you love basically disintegrate in front of you. I'm doing it right now. I think a lot of the problem is psychological. Like the others had said, you can tell him until you're blue in the face and he's not going to change unless he wants to. 26 is still young, one day he's going to get a scare and hopefully that will put him on the right track. My brother is 30 and the same way. I know a heart attack is imminent. My dad fell over dead at 56; and that was my wake up call. Sometimes an unfortunate situation is the only catalyst for change.
You are very right, nevertheless, I'm hoping that it doesn't need to come to that. Thank you for your reply. x0 -
I had to reply after seeing your (OP) comment relating your brother's situation to a drug addict and you are right. My sister was a drug addict. It was hell trying to figure out how to get her to deal with her addiction and it almost tore my family apart. We all had different ways to try to get her to see what she was doing to herself - my dad tried tough love and getting angry at her, my mom tried the opposite, I cried at her pleading to get help. We all had the same thoughts you did - what if she ends up in jail or worse and I didn't do all that I could? But you know what? She didn't get help until SHE was ready to and came to us saying that she wanted to change. And now four years later I have a healthy, happy sister who I love so, so much. I know it may feel like nothing's ever going to change, but it can. But like others have said, you will just have to wait until your brother is ready to change. I agree with those who have said to just lead quietly by example. Good luck with it all. I know it can be a real drag when family stuff like this is going on, but keep going on your journey and keep your chin up
Thank you for sharing. I am so glad your sister got help and is healthy now. x0
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