Defeated

Moobs92 · August 2017

I feel defeated before I even have began. I have always struggled with weight loss and have worked many times. Here I am now, after being away from the gym and eating right for the past 6-8 months, weighing in at 250 lbs, but I'm only 5'4''-5'5'' (yes I'm a short guy). And according to BMI, morbidly obese. You can refer to my profile picture.

So seeing that nice 250 was a soul crusher, though what else was I to expect when all I do is work as a housekeeper and come home, nap, then get on my computer for hours on end writing stories or playing with friends. To say, I'm very aware that I'm not a very active person unless it comes to work or when outside work needs to be done like weeding and mowing.

So my workout history. When I first began about three years ago, I started out at 238. I decided I wanted to get fit cause I found myself not able to stand looking at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusted and plain worthless. So I got myself into a gym. I began eating right, almost strictly salad and fish and water. In a month, I lost 10 pounds and came in at 228, the smallest I ever been. I would go in the gym and get on the treadmill, walk 5 min, brisk walk incline for 5 minutes, run for 5 min, repeat for 30 minutes all together. Afterwards, I would do 2-3 exercises for my arms, 2-3 for my legs, and always did an exercise for stomach. That was my workout routine for 5 days a week and allowed one cheat day of the week being Saturday. I fell off after two months.

Fast forward to my second attempt. I gained all the weight back and then some at 245. So I said I need to get back on it. At this time, my supervisor was a bodybuilder, and seeing that he was, I went to him for advice and even worked out with him a few times. I quickly learned that what he did was things I couldn't do, and I wanted to lose weight, not gain it. But I worked out for two months, but this time only losing 5 pounds then seemed to get stuck there. I eventually quit, being too discouraged while I still kept my workouts the same as last time.

So here I am again, almost 6-8 months later and I weighed myself today at 250. My ideal weight is 180 for my height. But instead of the mindset of "Lets do something about it" I find myself so frustrated at myself to the point of tears because of 1) I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. Cause If I would've stay committed and devoted, I wouldn't be at this weight. 2) I find my mindset is saying why try again? You're only going to fail like you have been. You lose the weight but then gain it back and more. You've gained more weight than lost the entire time you've worked out in your life. So don't bother trying. You just fail.

I'm always reading online about foods to eat and working out, but it's driven me mad, to the point I'm afraid of doing anything wrong. I get obsessed every time when I try to change my lifestyle about what I put in my mouth, or if it's too much, or I think it's good for me and find online all these things of why you should do this or that. Same with my workouts. I'm always feeling I don't do enough. Like my mind tells me I need to be in the gym for 2 hours instead of one, or that I need to push harder though I come out like death afterwards, or you need more resistance or more reps though my muscles are already numb.

But I'm still like how I was in the start. I feel worthless, disgusting, just a giant blob of nothing. I still can't look in the mirror at myself and I hate being in pictures. I feel so defeated that I don't want to try cause I'm afraid and tired of failing. Perhaps I'm overthinking this, or being a baby about it, but I can't seem to find the strength to get on that horse again cause I'm tired of falling down off of it so much. And my spirit just feels beaten down cause I've failed myself repeatedly.

I hope someone can help me. Cause the numbers say I need to do something, but how do you when you are a failure when it comes to your own body and health? I always said I never want to get back to the way I was when in college, but I'm on the fast track there, but even worse, my mind says what's the point of trying anymore? Thanks to whoever read through all of this and any who can share wisdom.

This was me in college.

This is currently me just from a couple days ago for reference.

tcunbeliever · August 2017

Let's start with - your value as a human being has nothing to do with your weight.

It sounds like you have found a couple of options for improving your health that are not a good fit for you in terms of long-term sustainability. Life isn't a sprint, it's a journey, and it's not over yet. You are the only person who can figure out what works for you, and since you didn't arrive in this world clutching an instruction manual, it may take some trial and error to figure out what is best for you. That's not failure, that's LEARNING. They are not the same thing.

Eating - obviously the overall goal is to eat less while still getting sufficient nutrition to keep your body healthy. So, instead of obsessing and drastically altering what you do, start with a baseline of about 2 weeks. Just log everything you eat without making any concerted effort to eat differently. Then look at what you are averaging in terms of calories every week. Calculate that into a daily average, and then decide what a reasonable goal is for loss. Maybe it's a slow process and you just cut it back by 200 calories a day for another two weeks, then 200 more for another two weeks, etc. until you reach a level that is allowing you to lose weight without going crazy and starving in the process. In the end sustainability will be much more effective than any kind of fast diet change. Half a pound of loss per week that you can keep for years will be much better than losing 10 lbs in a week and then being unable to keep it up more than a few months.

Workouts - you look like you have a lovely stocky build...I kind of have a thing for stocky muscular guys, so OF COURSE I think you should lift some weights because you look like you have the potential to be amazingly muscular. Plus, weight lifting is good to retaining muscle mass and supporting joints and all that good jazz. But it doesn't have to be the end all be all of exercise. You can mix it up with whatever you find fun and are going to enjoy. Weights 2-3 times a week, some cardio, some flexibility work - most guys neglect that one, do give it a shot it will keep your ligaments and tendons happy. Maybe you would like yoga, or running, or biking, or dance, or aqua aerobics, or walking...the point is, find some kind of activity you enjoy because life is to short to be miserable.

Goals - I really hate making goals that are weight based. The scale really hates me. I tend to make my goals performance based (like being able to curl 35 lbs or bench 150) or body fat based (I was 25%, then 20%, then went on vacation and am now about 21.5%)...the reality is you can't control how fast your body looses weight even when you do everything right sometimes you plateau...however, you can always strive for better physical performance, and no matter what you weigh if you are lowering body fat you are improving your health (up to that essential fat limit anyway).

You now have at least 2 plans that you know don't work well for you because you weren't able to sustain them.

"eating right, almost strictly salad and fish and water" - this doesn't sound balanced or fun for that matter, I wouldn't be able to do this either, I supposed somewhere there is someone who could but not me

Also, you don't need to be in the gym 2 hours - 30 min a day is sufficient if you are really hitting max effort in that 30 min.

I try to eat relatively low carb and mostly vegetarian - not so much for weight loss, but because that is what makes me feel better. A lot of meats trigger migraines for me, and eating a lot of carbs just makes me feel super sluggish and way too tired all the time, plus I have a hard time getting enough protein if I fill up on carbs. Not everyone feels terrible on carbs, for some people a high carb diet is amazing and effective. I try to workout 1-2 hours a day, but only about 30 min of that is intense working out (weights or cardio or flex depending on the day), the rest is just walking because I really love walking outside in the sunlight and it makes my life enjoyable. There is no magic bullet that fits everyone, however, if you keep trying, you might find something that works for you and something you can enjoy for the rest of this beautiful journey.

msf74 · August 2017

tcunbeliever wrote: »

Let's start with - your value as a human being has nothing to do with your weight.

For real.

Also, you are making this waaaaaay too complicated. I get that you want the weight off as soon as possible given how it makes you feel about yourself. However, the history you outlined in your opening post shows why an "all-or-nothing / go hard or go home" extreme approach is a bad fit for you (and may other people) and leads to a frustrating cycle of weight gain (dieting can make you fat - who knew?)

So commit to:

1) setting a sensible calorie deficit
2) hitting that number to the best of your ability as often as possible
3) letting it go if you don't manage to do that every day (you are striving for consistency not perfection)
3) eating a balanced diet with some wiggle room for "treats" or a cheat meal here or there
4) working out three times a week for an hour or so per sessions (you can add more if you feel like it but don't feel you must)
5) being patient
6) budgeting for this taking twice as long as you would like to get the weight off but accepting in the long run it will get and keep you at goal much sooner than what you have been doing so far

I know it's not sexy or cool or Instagram exciting but a solid routine executed consistently over sufficient time works wonders.

Kullerva · August 2017

I live in Sedentary Desk Land as well. Consider a Fitdesk. You can sit and do your computer work while biking. It got me through my last plateau and is waaaaay cheaper than a treadmill (it retails around $200-$250).

And I echo what others have said: this is a slow process and if you approach it as if your weight is a sign of failure, then you'll never reach your finish line.

88olds · August 2017

A writer? Cool.

Short version of my story. I weighed 285 lbs, sleep apnea, HBP, immobilizing back pain, what seemed like a permanent cough. No didn't smoke.

Got a CPAP. Lifesaver. With real sleep, I could think. I was 44. I'm 67 now. Yesterday I weighed 176.4 fully dressed including jeans. It been a great 23 year run. Weight loss is liberating.

We only get one life. To the extent possible, you deserve to choose how you want to live it. You seem pretty dissatisfied, seize control.

Gym- Weight loss takes place in the kitchen. Guys love to charge into the gym to lose weight. Not the best choice.

Weight loss- Calculate a moderate calorie deficit, weigh and measure your intake, track your intake, find some moderate activity you can do long term, and prepare yourself to put in the time for the process to work.

Set up a schedule for regular consistent weigh ins to track your progress. When you get a livable moderate downward trend, ride the trend. If your losses stall, make small adjustments until you are losing again. This process will work and is totally within your control. Calorie deficit + time = weight loss. It's the laws of physics. Can't miss.

Mental- If you read this board every day you will find folks whose efforts are wrecked by their own brains, usually over the issue of time. In the end it's likely to take 1 or 2 weeks for every pound you want to lose. Prepare yourself.

Think about how you will cope when feeling discouraged.

More mental- don't compare yourself to others.
Study and research until you are satisfied with how you will start your program. Then keep it to yourself. If others comment on your changes, speak in meaningless cliches and change the subject.

Repeat 10 time per day- perfect is the enemy of the good.

The past is over. It does not exist. The only thing that remains are our ideas of what the past was.

The past in no way controls the future. Any such influence only exists in our heads.

Life has limits but it's ok.

Good habits are a big help.

Avoid just say no situations as much as possible.

Plan. If your plan doesn't work make a better plan. A good plan is one you will actually follow.

Weight loss is a skill set. It's complex. There is a fairly long learning curve. Lapse, mistakes, out right failures are not personal. They are a reflection of a lack of skill or inadequate planning.
As they say in my yoga class, "not to judge but to learn." (Me? In yoga? If you only knew)

Try to keep an attitude of experimentation.

Discipline is rooted in belief in your process.

Motivation is fleeting. Summon some determination. It's there.

Beware you own negative thinking. Our minds can disguise negative thoughts. Changing your self talk, changes your thinking, changes your behavior.

Good news- I know I'm just a random old guy yapping away on line but I can tell you with 100% certainty that this can be done and I do mean you can do it. That tiniest of gaps, the gap between I see it's possible for people, is it possible for me? That gap can be closed in a micro second. Calculate a calorie deficit, plan a menu, start with food you like. Go to work. Be proactive. Good luck. Keep posting.

88olds · August 2017

Moobs- and change your name, its demeaning. Looking at your thread so far, you seemed to have touched a nerve here and there.

Moobs92 · August 2017

88olds wrote: »

Moobs- and change your name, its demeaning. Looking at your thread so far, you seemed to have touched a nerve here and there.

I apologize if it's offensive. It was more a jab at myself. I figured seeing that would give me a kick in the *kitten*, but perhaps it's doing more damage than good. I will change it when I get the chance later today.

TavistockToad · August 2017

Moobs92 wrote: »

88olds wrote: »

Moobs- and change your name, its demeaning. Looking at your thread so far, you seemed to have touched a nerve here and there.

I apologize if it's offensive. It was more a jab at myself. I figured seeing that would give me a kick in the *kitten*, but perhaps it's doing more damage than good. I will change it when I get the chance later today.

Would you call a friend that? Hating yourself clearly hasn't worked, so why not try making some changes and be kind instead?

88olds · August 2017

It's not offensive to me. It's just that a lot of people come on here with screen names that are put downs. Bugs me. We get it, you're down. Pick yourself up. You gotta do it.

skymningen · August 2017

Moobs92 wrote: »

I apologize if it's offensive. It was more a jab at myself. I figured seeing that would give me a kick in the *kitten*, but perhaps it's doing more damage than good. I will change it when I get the chance later today.

You don't need to kick yourself in the butt, you need to stop doing that. You need to stop thinking of yourself as low in worth because you are overweight. Instead, think of yourself as high enough in worth to invest in, so you can get healthy and lose weight because you are worth it.
Turn your thinking around.
If you did this to yourself, you can also undo it yourself.
If you fell down the horse before, change the way you ride it, instead of letting it trample over you. Meaning, do not put yourself on some specific diet of salad and water and then demean yourself for not sticking to it. I love salad and water, but if that was the only thing I was allowing myself to eat, there is no way I would survive that with a healthy mind.
If working out like a bodybuilder is not for you, find someone with similar goals and hit the gym with them. Cheer each other on. Maybe hire a personal trainer together for some shared sessions of getting tips and correct form to prevent injury.
If you always gain weight back, come up with a long run plan, not a short-term magic diet. Put your stats into MFP and set up a small deficit. Start small. See how you can keep eating foods you like while keeping up that small deficit. If that is hard, keep doing until it feels easier. If that feels easy after some time if you want you can increase your deficit. Or you keep going slow and steady. This is not a sprint, not even a marathon, it is the path you walk in life.
The scale does not hate you. On the contrary, it will show you the numbers without judging you for it. The scale does not say "You lost 10 lbs, but hey, that is invisible." It tells you you lost 10 lbs. Victory!

Your goal does not have to be the ideal weight for your height. Maybe at some point, it will be. But for now, getting out of "morbidly obese" is a huge win. For your health and for your self-esteem. And after that win, like an athlete, it will be time to set the next goal. Some people like it to strive for huge goals. Some athletes think "I want to win at the Olympics". But most people need smaller, more reasonable goals to keep going. They try to win their regionals. And then win them next year again. And then nationals. Step by step.
And when you are happy with what you won you can finally retire in maintenance. But you are young. You don't need to plan for retirement extensively now.

Stop kicking yourself in various body parts. They will just hurt and make you resentful. Start encouraging yourself.
Write a story about a guy losing 30lbs and the things he can do so much easier because he lost that burden. If you write stories, you probably have a great imagination. Use it to your advantage. Imagine being that guy, because you will be.

Treece68 · August 2017

The key to weight loss is not starving yourself on fish and water or working out until you drop. The key to weight loss is Calories in Calories out or CICO. MFP has tools to give you an estimate on how many calories you can eat per day in a deficit and lose wight. Do not think that weight loss is a quick thing the best way to lose and keep it off is 1-2lbs a week. You can eat what you want not exercise and still lose weight. I'm not saying that you should only eat cheese burgers every day and sit around at the computer every day. For your health you should try to work out 20-30min a few days a week and you should make good food choices including fruits vegetables proteins etc., but if you eat some pizza and you stay within your calories for the day you will lose.
It is a hard journey there are no short cuts and you must be ready for it.

Moobs92 · August 2017

Well unfortunately I can't change my name since I changed it once already. But no more self deprecation. I'm determined to change that.

everher · August 2017

I second the sentiment that your worth as a person isn't tied to the scale. Yes, you've tried and failed to lose weight in the past and have gained weight back that you've lost, but that doesn't make you an awful person or define your worth as a person. A lot of us here have been there.

The problem seems to be that you become very strict while you are trying to lose weight about what you eat, etc. but then eventually you fall off the wagon.

You're being too hard on yourself and what you're doing isn't sustainable. The times you've tried and failed have shown that. Don't beat yourself up about it because no one can live off of fish and salad indefinitely. It's a trap a lot of people fall into. Trying so hard to be "healthy" and eat "clean" that they make things too hard and they can't keep going.

What you need to do is eat today how you plan to eat for the rest of your life. Are there things you want to cut out or things you can cut out that you won't miss? Then, do so. If not, you simply need to reduce portion sizes. Despite all the nonsense you'll read about weight loss and this diet and that cleanse all you need to do to lose weight is eat fewer calories than your body needs to sustain your current weight. Here on MyFitnessPal people reference it all the time as CICO meaning calories in need to be less than calories out (the calories you eat need to be fewer than the calories you burn).

When you set up MyFitnessPal with your height, weight, gender, activity level, amount of weight loss a week, etc. it should've given you a daily calorie limit. If you stick to that number you should lose the amount of pounds a week you have MFP set up for. With MyFitnessPal you are also suppose to log any exercise you do and MFP will give you extra calories from working out and you can eat those back.

It's really not hard. It's hard work yes and it will take discipline, but you don't have to live off of fish and salads. You can eat whatever you want as long as it fits into your calories and still lose weight.

I highly recommend purchasing a food scale to weigh all your solid foods (in grams) to make sure you are accurately counting calories. Use a measuring cup or tablespoons to measure liquids like milk, oil, etc. Log everything you eat consistently and accurately and you will lose weight.

Sweetiepiestef · August 2017

Hi! I totally recommend you check out success stories http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/categories/success-stories. It really helps motivate me when I am feeling down or just lazy. Hope this helps and good luck. You can do this!

rheddmobile · August 2017

Simple simple. I feel so annoyed with everyone out there in your past who has convinced you this has to be so complicated!

You need to eat fewer calories than you use per day. Then you will lose weight. It is absolutely that simple. You can eat twinkies all day and never work out and lose weight if the calories in the twinkies add up to less than your expenditure.

You are in the right place - you have a great app for tracking calories and exercise.

Start by tracking everything you eat and do for one week, exactly, every single bite, condiment, and drink. Then look at it and decide where you want to cut calories. Bonus points if you can figure out a way to be active for thirty minutes a day which you don't hate but actually enjoy - I suggest long walks with friends and good conversation. But mainly, track and figure out where you are, and then use that as a starting point.

You are not worthless or disgusting. Your pictures made me smile and want to get to know you. You are fortunate in that you are starting to deal with this before you have done permanent damage to your health - I didn't get serious until after I had diabetes, and I wish I could be in your shoes! You can do this. I've lost 90 something pounds, and I was completely sedentary when I started.

Wishing you all the best.

Eaglesfanintn · August 2017

There's been a lot of really good advice on here already. Personally my weight yo-yos so much, I should be sponsored by Duncan.
I'm recently back at it (11 days) and have had some success, but I keep telling myself, I didn't get to this weight overnight, I'm not going to lose it overnight. Slow and steady wins the race.
Setting small goals and reaching them has helped for me. I have a big goal, but I also have little ones along the way to give me obtainable targets that aren't 6 or 9 months from now.
We can do this.

VeronicaA76 · August 2017

1. Congratulations on taking the first step, you are way ahead of so many
2. Change is hard
3. You seem to be overwhelming yourself by trying to change everything at once.
4. Fix one thing at a time. Work on one problem, until it's no longer a problem

My recommendation: start with nutrition. (You cannot out train a bad diet). When you are first starting out, make small changes. Change your weight loss goal to "maintain", as long as you eat less than that, you will lose weight. Also, I hear so many complain that they are "starving" at a massive calorie deficit than what they are used to eating. Once you get accustomed to eating right below your maintenance calories, then change your goal to 1lb per week.

Remember, to lose weight all you need to be is in a calorie deficit. If you are having issues, look at your diary and figure out what can be swapped out for a lower calorie option. Simple changes such as switching from dark meat chicken to light, mayo for mustard (or just use half your normal amount of mayo), increase vegetables - most vegetables are very low in calories and very dense in nutrition so they help you feel Fuller longer. Instead of buying the larger packs of snacks, go for the 100 calorie snack packs. Also, a food scale - know how much you are actually eating, most people (myself included when I first started) have no idea what a serving actually is.

Small changes are simple, but wow, do they add up over time.

Once you have your nutrition is check, incorporate some exercize. Even a 20 minute walk once a day is immensely beneficial in the long run.

One small change every month will be a massive change over a year. Also, fat loss takes time, so be patient with yourself.

rkosior737 · August 2017

Hang in there! I can totally relate. I've been yo-yo dieting for so long and don't know how many times. Funny how the knowledge in our heads somehow gets blocked between our brains and our hands and mouth, and you wind up doing what you know you shouldn't. Regardless, it's back to eating better again and increasing levels of activity. Don't let those set backs hold you back. Keep trying. Look at it one day at a time. One small victory each day. Do I really need that Italian sub or will an antipasto salad satisfy that craving?

This is the first time I logged onto the community because I am frustrated with myself, too. Your post was on top and struck a chord. I think a lot of people feel the same way as you. You're not alone. For me, the biggest problem is the "C" word... commitment. Beach Body has a motto on their packaging, " Decide, commit, succeed." It's the middle word that I struggle with. I decide, start, achieve some success, and then slack off. As some motivational speakers say, it's not that you stumbled along the way. Everyone stumbles. It's what you do after that. Do you stay down, or do you get up a try again. I guess the goal is to keep getting up and trying.

Anyway, maybe you'll get some comfort and reassurance in knowing that you are not in the weight loss struggle alone. There are thousands of people who have successfully lost weight and maintained. If they could do it, why not us? Good luck. Keep fighting the good fight, or maybe "Keep fighting the food fight!" is more appropriate in our case.

JeromeBarry1 · August 2017

Read and heed that stuff above.

Along the way you're going to have to learn about water. Yes. Water. Water moves in and out of your body fast and only according to the autonomic needs of your body. It's not controlled by your executive brain. It changes your total mass by several pounds throughout the day and is the dominant component of any daily scale weight change. You can either watch water by daily scale weighing, or ignore water and watch fat by monthly scale weighing. Figure that one out for yourself.

You can even ignore scale weight altogether.

But you can't ignore your calorie deficit. You will lose weight with a persistent long-term calorie deficit. Take it easy and enjoy the ride. You're very fortunate to have found the greatest weight loss resource in the universe at such a young age.

Graelwyn75 · August 2017

I cannot add to what everyone else has said to be honest. I do relate to the low self worth as I have incredibly low self worth and it can make things a great deal more challenging. You do need to find your worth in who you are as a human being and not in what you weigh, what you do, what you cannot do, your mistakes.

I thoroughly believe you can do this. You just need to view it as a lifestyle overhaul rather than a full-on, throw everything into it, diet. As others have said, set yourself a reasonable weight loss goal, get yourself doing some workouts that you enjoy (weights can be incredibly empowering - if you can afford it, a PT might be a good idea in the beginning to set you up with a programme and provide additional motivation) and view this as an exciting journey. You will make mistakes, you will have bad days, you will have slips, but the main thing is to remember that everyone has these and that there is no such thing as perfection.

You just need to get yourself into the right frame of mind and stick with it.
Don't go in with an all or nothing mindset as that is often the reason people fail at losing weight and getting healthy.
You need to stop basing your self value on your weight as that is another thing that will destroy your efforts, given it will take time to lose the weight you wish to lose.

Get some motivational, encouraging friends on here, start weighing and logging your food, allow a treat each day (you don't plan on spending the rest of your life never eating chocolate, cookies or cake, I presume?) and make changes you know you can sustain over the long-term.

Feel free to add me and good luck.

hoffman2300 · August 2017

Just two thoughts to add to the what the wonderful people here have already written:
1. The responses you've received so far from your thread - this is what makes MFP a great community. They've offered strength, acceptance, ideas, a little tough love, motivation and support. Stick around, read the board, add some people as friends (I'll add you!) and post.
2. Contribute to this community and I promise you'll get back so much more. Go through success stories and click on "awesome" and make someone's day. Offer a word of support to someone struggling, join a challenge and cheer your group on.... It will come back to you threefold!

You can do this!

Defeated

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