Defeated

Moobs92
Moobs92 Posts: 16 Member
edited November 21 in Motivation and Support
I feel defeated before I even have began. I have always struggled with weight loss and have worked many times. Here I am now, after being away from the gym and eating right for the past 6-8 months, weighing in at 250 lbs, but I'm only 5'4''-5'5'' (yes I'm a short guy). And according to BMI, morbidly obese. You can refer to my profile picture.

So seeing that nice 250 was a soul crusher, though what else was I to expect when all I do is work as a housekeeper and come home, nap, then get on my computer for hours on end writing stories or playing with friends. To say, I'm very aware that I'm not a very active person unless it comes to work or when outside work needs to be done like weeding and mowing.

So my workout history. When I first began about three years ago, I started out at 238. I decided I wanted to get fit cause I found myself not able to stand looking at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusted and plain worthless. So I got myself into a gym. I began eating right, almost strictly salad and fish and water. In a month, I lost 10 pounds and came in at 228, the smallest I ever been. I would go in the gym and get on the treadmill, walk 5 min, brisk walk incline for 5 minutes, run for 5 min, repeat for 30 minutes all together. Afterwards, I would do 2-3 exercises for my arms, 2-3 for my legs, and always did an exercise for stomach. That was my workout routine for 5 days a week and allowed one cheat day of the week being Saturday. I fell off after two months.

Fast forward to my second attempt. I gained all the weight back and then some at 245. So I said I need to get back on it. At this time, my supervisor was a bodybuilder, and seeing that he was, I went to him for advice and even worked out with him a few times. I quickly learned that what he did was things I couldn't do, and I wanted to lose weight, not gain it. But I worked out for two months, but this time only losing 5 pounds then seemed to get stuck there. I eventually quit, being too discouraged while I still kept my workouts the same as last time.

So here I am again, almost 6-8 months later and I weighed myself today at 250. My ideal weight is 180 for my height. But instead of the mindset of "Lets do something about it" I find myself so frustrated at myself to the point of tears because of 1) I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. Cause If I would've stay committed and devoted, I wouldn't be at this weight. 2) I find my mindset is saying why try again? You're only going to fail like you have been. You lose the weight but then gain it back and more. You've gained more weight than lost the entire time you've worked out in your life. So don't bother trying. You just fail.

I'm always reading online about foods to eat and working out, but it's driven me mad, to the point I'm afraid of doing anything wrong. I get obsessed every time when I try to change my lifestyle about what I put in my mouth, or if it's too much, or I think it's good for me and find online all these things of why you should do this or that. Same with my workouts. I'm always feeling I don't do enough. Like my mind tells me I need to be in the gym for 2 hours instead of one, or that I need to push harder though I come out like death afterwards, or you need more resistance or more reps though my muscles are already numb.

But I'm still like how I was in the start. I feel worthless, disgusting, just a giant blob of nothing. I still can't look in the mirror at myself and I hate being in pictures. I feel so defeated that I don't want to try cause I'm afraid and tired of failing. Perhaps I'm overthinking this, or being a baby about it, but I can't seem to find the strength to get on that horse again cause I'm tired of falling down off of it so much. And my spirit just feels beaten down cause I've failed myself repeatedly.

I hope someone can help me. Cause the numbers say I need to do something, but how do you when you are a failure when it comes to your own body and health? I always said I never want to get back to the way I was when in college, but I'm on the fast track there, but even worse, my mind says what's the point of trying anymore? Thanks to whoever read through all of this and any who can share wisdom.

huzn8d785kyw.jpg This was me in college.


hzq12zk3zn62.jpg This is currently me just from a couple days ago for reference.



Replies

  • Kullerva
    Kullerva Posts: 1,114 Member
    I live in Sedentary Desk Land as well. Consider a Fitdesk. You can sit and do your computer work while biking. It got me through my last plateau and is waaaaay cheaper than a treadmill (it retails around $200-$250).

    And I echo what others have said: this is a slow process and if you approach it as if your weight is a sign of failure, then you'll never reach your finish line.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,538 Member
    edited August 2017
    Moobs- and change your name, its demeaning. Looking at your thread so far, you seemed to have touched a nerve here and there.
  • Moobs92
    Moobs92 Posts: 16 Member
    88olds wrote: »
    Moobs- and change your name, its demeaning. Looking at your thread so far, you seemed to have touched a nerve here and there.

    I apologize if it's offensive. It was more a jab at myself. I figured seeing that would give me a kick in the *kitten*, but perhaps it's doing more damage than good. I will change it when I get the chance later today.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,538 Member
    It's not offensive to me. It's just that a lot of people come on here with screen names that are put downs. Bugs me. We get it, you're down. Pick yourself up. You gotta do it.
  • skymningen
    skymningen Posts: 532 Member
    edited August 2017
    Moobs92 wrote: »
    I apologize if it's offensive. It was more a jab at myself. I figured seeing that would give me a kick in the *kitten*, but perhaps it's doing more damage than good. I will change it when I get the chance later today.

    You don't need to kick yourself in the butt, you need to stop doing that. You need to stop thinking of yourself as low in worth because you are overweight. Instead, think of yourself as high enough in worth to invest in, so you can get healthy and lose weight because you are worth it.
    Turn your thinking around.
    If you did this to yourself, you can also undo it yourself.
    If you fell down the horse before, change the way you ride it, instead of letting it trample over you. Meaning, do not put yourself on some specific diet of salad and water and then demean yourself for not sticking to it. I love salad and water, but if that was the only thing I was allowing myself to eat, there is no way I would survive that with a healthy mind.
    If working out like a bodybuilder is not for you, find someone with similar goals and hit the gym with them. Cheer each other on. Maybe hire a personal trainer together for some shared sessions of getting tips and correct form to prevent injury.
    If you always gain weight back, come up with a long run plan, not a short-term magic diet. Put your stats into MFP and set up a small deficit. Start small. See how you can keep eating foods you like while keeping up that small deficit. If that is hard, keep doing until it feels easier. If that feels easy after some time if you want you can increase your deficit. Or you keep going slow and steady. This is not a sprint, not even a marathon, it is the path you walk in life.
    The scale does not hate you. On the contrary, it will show you the numbers without judging you for it. The scale does not say "You lost 10 lbs, but hey, that is invisible." It tells you you lost 10 lbs. Victory!

    Your goal does not have to be the ideal weight for your height. Maybe at some point, it will be. But for now, getting out of "morbidly obese" is a huge win. For your health and for your self-esteem. And after that win, like an athlete, it will be time to set the next goal. Some people like it to strive for huge goals. Some athletes think "I want to win at the Olympics". But most people need smaller, more reasonable goals to keep going. They try to win their regionals. And then win them next year again. And then nationals. Step by step.
    And when you are happy with what you won you can finally retire in maintenance. But you are young. You don't need to plan for retirement extensively now.

    Stop kicking yourself in various body parts. They will just hurt and make you resentful. Start encouraging yourself.
    Write a story about a guy losing 30lbs and the things he can do so much easier because he lost that burden. If you write stories, you probably have a great imagination. Use it to your advantage. Imagine being that guy, because you will be.
  • Treece68
    Treece68 Posts: 780 Member
    The key to weight loss is not starving yourself on fish and water or working out until you drop. The key to weight loss is Calories in Calories out or CICO. MFP has tools to give you an estimate on how many calories you can eat per day in a deficit and lose wight. Do not think that weight loss is a quick thing the best way to lose and keep it off is 1-2lbs a week. You can eat what you want not exercise and still lose weight. I'm not saying that you should only eat cheese burgers every day and sit around at the computer every day. For your health you should try to work out 20-30min a few days a week and you should make good food choices including fruits vegetables proteins etc., but if you eat some pizza and you stay within your calories for the day you will lose.
    It is a hard journey there are no short cuts and you must be ready for it.
  • Moobs92
    Moobs92 Posts: 16 Member
    Well unfortunately I can't change my name since I changed it once already. But no more self deprecation. I'm determined to change that.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
    I second the sentiment that your worth as a person isn't tied to the scale. Yes, you've tried and failed to lose weight in the past and have gained weight back that you've lost, but that doesn't make you an awful person or define your worth as a person. A lot of us here have been there.

    The problem seems to be that you become very strict while you are trying to lose weight about what you eat, etc. but then eventually you fall off the wagon.

    You're being too hard on yourself and what you're doing isn't sustainable. The times you've tried and failed have shown that. Don't beat yourself up about it because no one can live off of fish and salad indefinitely. It's a trap a lot of people fall into. Trying so hard to be "healthy" and eat "clean" that they make things too hard and they can't keep going.

    What you need to do is eat today how you plan to eat for the rest of your life. Are there things you want to cut out or things you can cut out that you won't miss? Then, do so. If not, you simply need to reduce portion sizes. Despite all the nonsense you'll read about weight loss and this diet and that cleanse all you need to do to lose weight is eat fewer calories than your body needs to sustain your current weight. Here on MyFitnessPal people reference it all the time as CICO meaning calories in need to be less than calories out (the calories you eat need to be fewer than the calories you burn).

    When you set up MyFitnessPal with your height, weight, gender, activity level, amount of weight loss a week, etc. it should've given you a daily calorie limit. If you stick to that number you should lose the amount of pounds a week you have MFP set up for. With MyFitnessPal you are also suppose to log any exercise you do and MFP will give you extra calories from working out and you can eat those back.

    It's really not hard. It's hard work yes and it will take discipline, but you don't have to live off of fish and salads. You can eat whatever you want as long as it fits into your calories and still lose weight.

    I highly recommend purchasing a food scale to weigh all your solid foods (in grams) to make sure you are accurately counting calories. Use a measuring cup or tablespoons to measure liquids like milk, oil, etc. Log everything you eat consistently and accurately and you will lose weight.
  • Sweetiepiestef
    Sweetiepiestef Posts: 343 Member
    Hi! I totally recommend you check out success stories http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/categories/success-stories. It really helps motivate me when I am feeling down or just lazy. Hope this helps and good luck. You can do this!
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    edited August 2017
    Simple simple. I feel so annoyed with everyone out there in your past who has convinced you this has to be so complicated!

    You need to eat fewer calories than you use per day. Then you will lose weight. It is absolutely that simple. You can eat twinkies all day and never work out and lose weight if the calories in the twinkies add up to less than your expenditure.

    You are in the right place - you have a great app for tracking calories and exercise.

    Start by tracking everything you eat and do for one week, exactly, every single bite, condiment, and drink. Then look at it and decide where you want to cut calories. Bonus points if you can figure out a way to be active for thirty minutes a day which you don't hate but actually enjoy - I suggest long walks with friends and good conversation. But mainly, track and figure out where you are, and then use that as a starting point.

    You are not worthless or disgusting. Your pictures made me smile and want to get to know you. You are fortunate in that you are starting to deal with this before you have done permanent damage to your health - I didn't get serious until after I had diabetes, and I wish I could be in your shoes! You can do this. I've lost 90 something pounds, and I was completely sedentary when I started.

    Wishing you all the best.
  • Eaglesfanintn
    Eaglesfanintn Posts: 813 Member
    There's been a lot of really good advice on here already. Personally my weight yo-yos so much, I should be sponsored by Duncan.
    I'm recently back at it (11 days) and have had some success, but I keep telling myself, I didn't get to this weight overnight, I'm not going to lose it overnight. Slow and steady wins the race.
    Setting small goals and reaching them has helped for me. I have a big goal, but I also have little ones along the way to give me obtainable targets that aren't 6 or 9 months from now.
    We can do this.
  • rkosior737
    rkosior737 Posts: 1 Member
    Hang in there! I can totally relate. I've been yo-yo dieting for so long and don't know how many times. Funny how the knowledge in our heads somehow gets blocked between our brains and our hands and mouth, and you wind up doing what you know you shouldn't. Regardless, it's back to eating better again and increasing levels of activity. Don't let those set backs hold you back. Keep trying. Look at it one day at a time. One small victory each day. Do I really need that Italian sub or will an antipasto salad satisfy that craving?

    This is the first time I logged onto the community because I am frustrated with myself, too. Your post was on top and struck a chord. I think a lot of people feel the same way as you. You're not alone. For me, the biggest problem is the "C" word... commitment. Beach Body has a motto on their packaging, " Decide, commit, succeed." It's the middle word that I struggle with. I decide, start, achieve some success, and then slack off. As some motivational speakers say, it's not that you stumbled along the way. Everyone stumbles. It's what you do after that. Do you stay down, or do you get up a try again. I guess the goal is to keep getting up and trying.

    Anyway, maybe you'll get some comfort and reassurance in knowing that you are not in the weight loss struggle alone. There are thousands of people who have successfully lost weight and maintained. If they could do it, why not us? Good luck. Keep fighting the good fight, or maybe "Keep fighting the food fight!" is more appropriate in our case.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    edited August 2017
    Read and heed that stuff above.

    Along the way you're going to have to learn about water. Yes. Water. Water moves in and out of your body fast and only according to the autonomic needs of your body. It's not controlled by your executive brain. It changes your total mass by several pounds throughout the day and is the dominant component of any daily scale weight change. You can either watch water by daily scale weighing, or ignore water and watch fat by monthly scale weighing. Figure that one out for yourself.

    You can even ignore scale weight altogether.

    But you can't ignore your calorie deficit. You will lose weight with a persistent long-term calorie deficit. Take it easy and enjoy the ride. You're very fortunate to have found the greatest weight loss resource in the universe at such a young age.
  • Graelwyn75
    Graelwyn75 Posts: 4,404 Member
    I cannot add to what everyone else has said to be honest. I do relate to the low self worth as I have incredibly low self worth and it can make things a great deal more challenging. You do need to find your worth in who you are as a human being and not in what you weigh, what you do, what you cannot do, your mistakes.

    I thoroughly believe you can do this. You just need to view it as a lifestyle overhaul rather than a full-on, throw everything into it, diet. As others have said, set yourself a reasonable weight loss goal, get yourself doing some workouts that you enjoy (weights can be incredibly empowering - if you can afford it, a PT might be a good idea in the beginning to set you up with a programme and provide additional motivation) and view this as an exciting journey. You will make mistakes, you will have bad days, you will have slips, but the main thing is to remember that everyone has these and that there is no such thing as perfection.

    You just need to get yourself into the right frame of mind and stick with it.
    Don't go in with an all or nothing mindset as that is often the reason people fail at losing weight and getting healthy.
    You need to stop basing your self value on your weight as that is another thing that will destroy your efforts, given it will take time to lose the weight you wish to lose.

    Get some motivational, encouraging friends on here, start weighing and logging your food, allow a treat each day (you don't plan on spending the rest of your life never eating chocolate, cookies or cake, I presume?) and make changes you know you can sustain over the long-term.

    Feel free to add me and good luck.
  • rdgfit
    rdgfit Posts: 98 Member
    Don't think I can add to the messages above - I agree with the comments and strongly encourage you to participate in the communities and tag a few friends along the way who can help motivate and help when the negative self talk kicks in. You can do this. Add me if you would like.
  • MysticGoalie
    MysticGoalie Posts: 328 Member
    Everything's possible, never give up.

    A Dream can stay a Dream without a plan, with a plan it can become real. B)

    0eb6c0ac51cb6799bf0a838e7e96ace4.jpg
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    My starting weight was 230lbs and I'm 5'3". I was the exact same way. I hated myself so much, I would hardly let my boyfriend touch me and I hated looking in the mirror every morning. I would wake up with a huge hole in my gut just knowing I'd have to go through another day looking like ME.

    I don't exercise. I've tried in the past to lose weight and exercise and I would get so discouraged and tired.

    This time, all I did was focus on my calories. Before I would probably eat anywhere from 2500-3500 calories a day. I was gaining FAST. I signed up for MyFitnessPal and the rest is history.

    I've lost 41lbs so far and I have 47lbs to go.

    I am also a housekeeper. I get about 15000 steps 3 days a week from it and I've found that that's all the exercise I need so far. When I get close to my goal and it's easier to move my body I think I'll want to try to do formal exercise. BUT before I started working as a housekeeper all I did was sit on my laptop for 18 hours a day. I still lost 20 pounds.

    I live on my laptop. If I'm not working I'm at home gaming or bobbing around the internet. You can still do this.

    If you get burnt out by exercise, don't start with exercise.

    You are not alone AT ALL. We ALL did this to ourselves. This is the best place you could possibly be. WE are rooting for you!
  • familygoal1
    familygoal1 Posts: 2 Member
    You have to remind yourself of the positives. Don't think of you past negatives. You will have on and off weeks with your weight. Just keep trying and adjust your food and workout. Try physical actives you like or have wanted to try. Mix it up. Maybe try a Nutrionists to help set good goals. You can sometimes get a referral from a doctor or pay out of pocket. My spouse had maybe three visits with a Nutrionists that help with understanding how to adjust meals as goals change.

    I didn't loose anything this week. So I'm adjusted my workout and trying something new to relax. Along with cardio and running/walking.
  • lydia4462
    lydia4462 Posts: 19 Member
    I can relate to ALL of your story as I've felt that way at one time or another but to a lesser degree. I hope I can help.

    First of all...when I finally scrolled down to your photo, I was SHOCKED to find a handsome man who is definitely not the huge worthless blob you describe yourself to be. I was shocked!!!! But I also appreciate you are angry at yourself and putting into words what you feel. That is a good start...being honest with yourself.

    You've received some good advice in the responses to your post. I didn't read all of them but I'd like to suggest that you look into the Paleo lifestyle as a healthy alternative to dieting. Do some research on it and decide for yourself if this approach might be the radical change that will motivate you again. I tried it at the point when I was discouraged for the same reasons you are. I felt there was no point in trying to lose weight because I always give up and gain it back. This was different. With eating Paleo, I felt better, healthier, and more energized than ever before. Look it up.

    Good luck. Yourself really deserves to be nice to you.
  • brdnw
    brdnw Posts: 565 Member
    hey man, I'm also from ohio, here is my post I did about how i went from 285 to 225lbs gained 40lbs back up to 265lbs and then committed myself to it and got to 190lbs within 10 months. So my story is pretty similar to yours as I lost weight, gained it back and trust me, i hated how i looked with a shirt off, in my post i even described myself as having moobs ha. But i'm a success story. I didn't do anything special, I went to the gym when I didn't feel like it, I ate mostly well and I stayed consistent and it became really easy.

    here's my post i did, i just feel like it's pretty relateable to what you've described. Feel free to add me.

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10421927/285-190-warning-i-wrote-too-damn-much/p1

  • solovino1
    solovino1 Posts: 29 Member
    I would probably simplify things quite a bit. First I'd say it is a good thing to have something very difficult to achieve. You have a a goal and it's a worthy one. When you finish this one successfully you may find that you have a taste for more. Now on to the details...Humans covered the planet primarily by walking. No bicep curls were involved. Start walking now everywhere you can. Make chores as inefficient as possible to get steps in. Get an activity monitor, a simple one. Leave the gym and all that out of the plan for now. You can get into that later. I assume you have your MFP profile set up. If your ideal is 180, it's is going to easy once your head is in the game. Now start logging every single thing that passes your lips except for h20. This is not rocket science. The rules are the same for pretty much everyone. Just follow them and get right back up if you fall.
  • nutmegoreo
    nutmegoreo Posts: 15,532 Member
    edited August 2017
    Moobs92 wrote: »
    Well unfortunately I can't change my name since I changed it once already. But no more self deprecation. I'm determined to change that.

    You can send a message to one of the moderators or site staff and they can change it for you.

    ETA: link

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10028709/meet-our-community-team#latest
  • highlightshadow
    highlightshadow Posts: 116 Member
    Take this simpler..... you look at the big numbers on scales and it all feels overwhelming...

    This year was a real make or break for me ... i've been massive for years and years....
    For me this year has been different .... mainly because i did 2 things:
    1. Stopped thinking about the end-goal ... focus on short term.... 1 day ... today.. deal with today .. get through it, do the best you can ... go to sleep .. Tomorrow we do it again
    2. Weight loss, at least for me and again because for years i've hated on myself and beaten myself up, is about 95% mental battleground and only 5% food.. I've had to have some serious conversations in my own head.. sort out why i reach for that pack of cookies, why i've done this to myself... finding some (any) answers to this takes time but it means you have the ability to start changing it ... now i ain't gonna start going on here about needing to love yourself etc ... i still don't do that... but i have at last decided that maybe i should stop punishing myself.. love will come later..

    We're taught how to ride a bike, drive a car, do our jobs, but we're never really taught how to change ourselves... Take it slow... the trick for me was whenever i felt those old cravings coming back i had to stop in the moment and really talk to myself (in my head or actually out loud if i was alone) on why i'm doing this ....

    Slowly but surely that control starts to come back ... feeling in control of my food (while i still don't love food) is a step ... i know its a cliche but take it slow ... this is not a diet for a year or something .... this is slowly moving to a state of living the life and as the person you want to become...
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