To congratulate or NOT to congratulate. THAT is a question

nomorefatbitch
nomorefatbitch Posts: 279
edited September 2024 in Health and Weight Loss
Good morning MFP friends

Like many of you, I look at my friends list and see that THIS friend has lost 3 pounds since last weigh in or was under calorie goal each morning when I log in.

Then I look at the different comments.

"Way to go!"

"Good job!"

"Wow! Congratulations!"

I surely appreciate it when I see those comments and I am usually somewhere between 100 below and 100 above my recommended calorie intake. Some days I am good and some days I am not, but I find most of your comments very supportive and I just love you all so much!

However...

I have started to take the time to look at some of my friends' profiles and diaries (when those are available.) In some cases, they can be pretty frightening:

Like the little girl who has a calorie goal of 800, eats 200 and exercises 220. I guess it is admirable that she has willpower? No. I don't think so. Instead, I just worry about her while I read everyone congratulating her on her progress. It's scary. Maybe it's the mom or grandma in me, but I simply worry about her overall health.

The same thing goes for weight loss. We all want to be supportive, but when you see someone who is 5'3" (like me) and only weighs 115 pounds...but you see that she just lost another two pounds toward her goal of 90 pounds...it is hard to get excited for the weight loss. Instead, I just worry about her while I read everyone congratulating her on her progress.

It's too bad that we can't see more information with those postings each time. I don't know exactly what I would want to see there, but anyway...

So, if I don't congratulate you on being under calories for the day or for losing three more pounds, it isn't because I don't care. In some cases, it is because I DO care.

Let's support each other, but let's do it very carefully.

To your health.

Grace

Replies

  • babyblake11
    babyblake11 Posts: 1,107 Member
    i agree. i see exactly the same thing, the 'congrats' and 'way to go' to someone whos eating way too few calories, and may have some kind of eating disorder whether they realise it or not (ive notcied most people on here actually know they do)
    but all we can do is try to change their habits we cant force them to do anything
  • ohwhataday
    ohwhataday Posts: 1,398 Member
    I agree with you completely. I don't understand either. I had someone add me that has major issues and I couldn't handle being her friend as sad as that sounds. No one should weigh 90 lbs as an adult unless you're under 5'. ugh. =/
  • kje2011
    kje2011 Posts: 502 Member
    nicely said :)
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
    This was a very true and admiring post. Thankyou.
  • KatyE213
    KatyE213 Posts: 447 Member
    I know it sounds harsh but I don't have friends on here like that. I find it difficult to feel in any supportive of what they are doing and don't see how they can assist or support me either.
  • MrsSWW
    MrsSWW Posts: 1,585 Member
    Wel said x
  • art4fun69
    art4fun69 Posts: 151 Member
    I totally agree with you. I am very particular about congrats. As a rule, no congrats to diaries I can not look at. I think people forget that eating under calories can be worse, in some cases, than eating too many. I think MFP is a fabulous site and will continue to use it. I have met some wonderful people and have found great support. I have read other posts with the same concerns as yours and it just shows that there are people out there that dont just give a "WTG" or "Great Job" without taking time to see if that is really the case.
  • homeport51
    homeport51 Posts: 198 Member
    I agree with you. The point of having a support system is to encourage you in your endeavors, however if they are self destructive, then what kind of "friend" supports that?
    I read diaries where available. If the diary is hidden, I don't comment on them. If the diary is open and I have committed to being a friend and support and I see that the calories are way too low, or no water or all junk food, I will comment privately on that. I want people to hold me accountable too. I have already lost (or deleted) a few people because they didn't want to hear it. I need to hear it.
  • Nikstergirl
    Nikstergirl Posts: 1,549 Member
    I feel the same way. I have a few friends here who never eat close to enough, so I don't congratulate them on it. If I see it several days in a row I do mention that they should eat more, but in a gentle way. There have been one or two that I've had to "unfriend" because I just couldn't support their behavior anymore. And I don't offer congrats when I can't see the diary. Just seems incomplete to me.
  • Katbaran
    Katbaran Posts: 605 Member
    You are so right! I really don't have friends who consistently eat way under their goals. If I know someone is ill--like right now at least 2 of my friends are dealing with ear infections. strep throat, that kind of sickness---I'll say wtg anyway, knowing they need the encouragement to eat anything to keep their strength up. If I notice anyone else really eating way under their calories I just don't support them. By NOT making comments, not helping them continue the cycle, they eventually drop me as a friend. I know I'm not going to convince them to change, and I just cannot support them starving themselves.
  • jayb0ne
    jayb0ne Posts: 644 Member
    I always look at diaries when available and if someone's eaten say 200 calories and covered another 700 with vodka, they won't get a congratulation from me. I try to offer people a tip along with the congrats even when they've hada mostly good day - eg. "That's a lot of sodium for so few calories, make sure to get plenty of water" or "Quite a lot of your calories for today came from that triple shot whipped cream latte, maybe you could look at a lighter option?" I always try to do it gently but I'm not against anybody telling me to mind my own..

    I have a couple of friends on here who keep their diaries locked but get a congratulation anyway because I know 100% that they're honest with themselves and keep it in check so if they're under their goal, overall their day will be healthy and balanced.
  • Lisamariemlt
    Lisamariemlt Posts: 101 Member
    when I read your post I thought it was going to be like my thinking thought
    you say good
    I say wow
    you say congrats
    I say let's celebrate
    and then I muck up

    never looked at it this way
    and it really has made me think
    thanks for sharing
    we really don't need to influence behaviours that are not healthy
    thanks for making me look at and think about things differently
    hugs
  • DropsOJupiter
    DropsOJupiter Posts: 131
    I so agree. I hesitate to comment unless I can look at their diary. I, too, have seen folks who have their calorie totals set at 800 or less. I can't make myself say a word to them when they lose weight as I believe it isn't healthy. While I totally believe folks have a right to choose how to take care of their bodies, I also have the right to withhold positive reinforcement for behavior that I believe will eventually harm them. Well said and glad you reminded us all again about this.
  • melsinct
    melsinct Posts: 3,512 Member
    I never comment unless I actually look at their diary. Most of the time I don't look at diaries, so I comment more on the day to day postings, the weight losses, etc.
  • HartJames
    HartJames Posts: 789 Member
    Agreed, I simply don't post on diary entries. If I do notice a "friend" with unhealthy habits, I simply delete them.
  • HartJames
    HartJames Posts: 789 Member
    Agreed, I simply don't post on diary entries. If I do notice a "friend" with unhealthy habits, I simply delete them.
  • espinozAgal
    espinozAgal Posts: 160 Member
    I never thought of that. I usually just see when someone has completed their day and I put something positive without even reading their all their food entries. I'd love to read everyone's, but I simply cannot. I want to be supoortive as I can, so I'll put something like, great job... or YOu're FAB!! Maybe I need to be more careful not to be supporting unhealthy habits. Thanks for the heads up!!
  • hbrekkaas
    hbrekkaas Posts: 268 Member
    I agree. I only have a few friends on here, and have deleted one already because her calorie never went over 800, yet everyone was telling her what a great job she was doing. I would bet my toddlers eat more then that in a day.

    The same thing goes for the forums. I have seen so many posts of people asking the "why cant I lose weight" question, and their diary is full of pop, chocolate bars, fast food, alcohol, processed foods, etc. and everyone tells them "looks good, maybe some more water" . Eating crap all day and being under the calorie goal is nothing to congratualte either.
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