Unsupportive household
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CrystalMarie183
Posts: 15 Member
I have been trying to get my life together. I am so uncomfortable in my own body and have never felt this bad about myself or my life. I weight 300 lbs. and am disgusting. I try to get my husband to make changes with me, but he just doesn't seem to care. Is there others out there that are struggling from lack of support at home? How are you handling it?
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I am. I have been logging my food for 77 days (for the third time) and it's very hard doing it on my own. (Making food for others, myself, logging, someone supportive) I have talked about it many times (need for support) but it's not cared about. It's triggering me lately, and don't feel the support network I need is with my husband. It's getting to the point of needing to put myself first over everyone else...3
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A few things come to mind.
1. You are not disgusting. Overweight? Yes. Does that make you disgusting? Absolutely not. Have a higher opinion of yourself. You are beautiful, have the strength to see that.
2. Others will always follow their own path. You can't force them to change. If your husband doesn't want to join you in this lifestyle change, so be it. It's up to you to put yourself first and lead by example.
It does work. My husband did not care to join me when I started (in 2011 at 300+ lbs) but has recently changed his mind. He is down 12lbs already, and has said that I am an inspiration to him.
I made changes for myself only and have the confidence and determination to reach my goals, regardless of who does this with me.
I chose this lifestyle change, occasionally family/friends may join me but I will not be deterred if they stray.
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Please don't use words like 'disgusting' to describe yourself. All too often our body image gets tangled with our self image and the two are not the same. You have value no matter your size. Ask yourself if you would call your best friend, your mum, your sister 'disgusting'?? Think about that question... if you wouldn't say that to someone else then why on earth do you you say it to yourself? It isn't okay.
I know that this is going to sound so cliche but truthfully, this is a situation that you cannot control and only time will tell if he will change because you cannot change his behaviour only he can choose to do that.
The only person that you can control is YOU.
You have to be selfish about this and do what you need to do to look after yourself. Please use this app properly, do what you need to do to get yourself healthy and happy and he will follow or not....6 -
My husband had to get some tough love. He was bringing home lovely boxes of my favorite chocolates to show how he loves me. I told him over and over "Please stop bringing me treats. I know you love me". So the next time he brought me a beautiful box of Godiva, I made him watch as I opened the box and dumped them into the trash can! I actually saw the realization sink in that I was serious about getting fit, and that he did not have that power over me anymore. I refuse to be a prisoner in my own home. You have to "break out" in a sense. The day I did that, I became a better wife and mother.
PS-I understand why you used the word "disgusting". You aren't where you want to be in your physical fitness and it seems so freeing to admit it with a strong word. Now that you have, don't let yourself stay there! Do something you've been telling yourself you can't do. For me, I told a friend that I would need a ride home from the store because I was walking there, 5 miles away. I thought I'd be too tired to walk home. I walked there, she picked me up (I actually think I could've walked home but I didn't want to overdue it), and I had an accomplishment to share with the family! Hubby was shocked and proud. I had 5 kids under the age of 13 at the time too. YOU GOT THIS, NOW GO FOR IT!9 -
If you had a little sister who was overweight would you motivate her by telling her how terrible and disgusting she is?
No one is encouraged to change by being yelled at. From now on I want you to treat yourself as a beloved little sister.
Set small weekly goals for yourself and find an accountability partner to whom you can share your weekly goal. Once a week review, kindly, how well you did. Repeat what worked and adjust what didn't.
Repeat.4 -
How is he being unsupportive? Not wanting to take part in an eating plan that you have decided to enforce isn’t exactly unsupportive. Frustrating? Yes. But you can’t expect someone to openly accept drastic changes when they haven’t made the decision to do so themselves.6
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The world doesn't stop turning because you've changed a behavior. Cook what you want to eat, be reasonable with compromise when cooking for the both of you, don't buy food that you don't feel you have control or moderation with and if he buys it lock it in a separate area of pantry or part of the house. Most of all, when it comes to ANY change do it quietly and subtlety. If you don't make a huge deal about getting healthy you won't find resistance to it from others. Example, just one day I stopped putting cream and sugar in my coffee, was I asking my husband to do the same, no, did I save myself a couple hundred calories (I drink 4 cups) by the end of the day, yes. Much luck to you!4
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I understand that it is 100X easier when your spouse is on board with healthy habits. But that doesn't mean you CAN'T change when your mate isn't on board.
When I was married to my ex husband he was not going to stop eating whole stuffed crust pizzas and washing them down with Mountain Dew. He was well over 300 lb and I was right around there myself (307 is my HW, I've lost about 130 lb btw). I cared about my weight problem, and truly wanted to change. He didn't care and was perfectly happy to just get more prescription meds from his doc to deal with all of his health issues. He wasn't going to stop smoking or start exercising...ever. This stuff wasn't the core reason for our divorce. But I'm sure it contributed in some small ways. Anyway, while still with him, I made changes FOR ME because I didn't want to continue to feel bad about myself. I went for walks every night alone with my headphones on and I started to feel healthier. I still cooked a lot of food, both "healthy" and decidedly not healthy. I ate that food, too. But I started really watching my portions and drinking water instead of diet soda (I don't think diet soda is evil mind you, but I used to drink NO water at all).
Once I married my current husband it got so much easier because he's also into health and fitness. Like me, he's been obese too in the past and has worked really hard to lose weight. So we're on the same page and we understand each other. It makes things so much easier to have someone who is cutting and roasting yummy vegetables for me instead of opening up a package of premade cinnamon rolls to go with our chili. It's awesome that we go for hikes that last all day.
But my point is, I made big impactful changes even when I was with my ex. It is doable. You just have to want it!
With all of that said, I do think trying to force the entire family (or one's spouse) into healthier habits is usually a fail. I think for the most part it's a personal choice. If you go from cooking lasagna with tons of cheese to some light lowfat recipe, people aren't gonna take that well. If you have to, make separate meals for yourself. Portion control and tracking calories can go a very long way though!!6 -
Ask yourself one more question: "How many times in the past have I told my husband the very same thing about 'getting my life together' and not followed through?
When I finally got it together, I asked nothing of my wife. Because it was about the 1000th time. When I cooked (we split the cooking in our house), I moved toward meals that were more healthy and weight management friendly. Which she liked because she always thought my meals were a bit, um, heavy. She did not change her cooking at all. While generally healthier, they were not all as weight loss friendly. She almost keeled over when she saw what my portion of her [very delicious] meatballs looked like. She was almost insulted, until I reminded her that a batch would now last twice as long.
Over time, she has recognized I was serious this go round. She did start asking more about what I wanted her to cook. Or, if she was thinking about a new recipe, if it was something I would eat. It's not som much that they all have to be 'light', but if she's going to make something more calorie-laden, it needs to be splurgeworthy.
This change has to be about you. At some point, your husband may or may not realize you're serious. If he does, great. If not, consider it good training for managing all the food management challenges in the rest of the world.6 -
I just wanted to add that for me the hardest part about making those first steps to losing weight & being more active, was always the lack of encouragement from my then-mate. It was like he acknowledged my efforts "wow you go walking every night now!" and was kind of nice about it, but then I felt like after a year or so, I was only a little bit lighter (maybe 10 lb in a year that first year) and he seemed to think "lot of good that did you", even though he didn't say anything to that effect, it just felt like my then-husband and a lot of my girlfriends were so nonplussed by the minor changes I was enjoying. At some point you have to just want it FOR YOU and appreciate even the smallest improvements, losses, etc. That is when it all changes. Don't care about what others think and care about what YOU think and how you feel. It's definitely 100% worth it.2
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I don't have lack of support, but I do have conflicting health needs with my future husband.
See, a lot of "healthy" foods are actually pretty bad for him because he can't process things quite right. Furthermore, he needs to keep high-calorie snack foods around because he needs to maintain at the higher end of a healthy body fat percentage, or else he ends up at risk of starving to death when his illness flares. My needs, on the other hand, are much more typical, and I'm trying to reach the low end of healthy body fat percentage.
Yes, it's difficult. But we manage to make it work, and a lot of it is just down to how we think - for example, he can't eat a lot of vegetables? That's okay! More for me, then! It's easy to feel like you're not allowed to cook something at all if you're the only one who's going to eat it, but that's not true. There's no law against it. Make your healthy side dishes, and if your family doesn't want them, then it's more for you.
Another trick is that we use my celiac disease as a tool to designate the high-calorie snacks to be for him and only for him - what we keep around for him is Kit-Kats and Crunch bars and other snacks that would make me very sick if I stole them. Eliminates temptation completely - no snack is worth that!
Finally, remember, there's pretty much no food that won't fit in a healthy diet in the right portions. If someone insists on having something heavy as a family dinner, it's okay to have it - just take a smaller portion. It'll be more filling than it looks; you just have to retrain yourself to recognize that (using a smaller plate helps with this part).1 -
I think I am finally truly accepting that this is my journey. It's a solitary venture. It's helps if the people around you are on board for sure, but it's not their job to hand hold us through this. It's on us. It's my job to get my *kitten* together.
I came home from a work trip this week to find my all time favorite cookies on the counter. I was pissed but it's on me to not eat them. I tossed them in the cupboard but would it make me a dick to throw them away?
There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Embrace that! You deserve it. Don't fall into the trap that because you are a wife and mother you don't get to come first sometimes.2 -
My household is not super supportive. I've found I have to make changes 100% for me, without any expectation that they'll work for others. I compromise a lot. It's hard. But you're not alone. I lean on my MFP friends a lot.1
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I'm not talking about it much at home yet. I have the feeling that when I lose enough weight to be noticeable, my husband will jump on board and lose his weight super fast like he always has. So I need a head start! For meals, I'm just trying to make normal food but include another veggie or a soup just for me.0
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Here's the truth: You don't need his support. Do this for you. Your failures AND your successes belong to you and no one else.3
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My husband wasn't on the journey with me either. He didn't have to be; it was my journey.
He was supportive in that when he cooked he ensured there were plenty of veggies for me to choose from. When I cooked I ensured that there was plenty of meat and potatoes for him to choose from and extra veggies for myself.
The thing is that there is a way of making it work for both of you. You can both eat the same meals but in different proportions, depending on your individual goals.
Your husband is supportive. He isn't on a calorie reduced eating plan, though, and doesn't need to be.
You've got this. You take care of your dietary needs. You can do this. Don't give up.
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My husband thinks there’s something wrong if you don’t eat : he’s overweight also. I’ve gained 30 pounds since we married. How can I let someone make me feel guilty for not eating?0
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My husband thinks there’s something wrong if you don’t eat : he’s overweight also. I’ve gained 30 pounds since we married. How can I let someone make me feel guilty for not eating?
What do you mean "if you don't eat" and "not eating"? If you aren't eating regularly, that IS a problem. Maybe I'm just confused by what you mean.
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seltzermint555 wrote: »My husband thinks there’s something wrong if you don’t eat : he’s overweight also. I’ve gained 30 pounds since we married. How can I let someone make me feel guilty for not eating?
What do you mean "if you don't eat" and "not eating"? If you aren't eating regularly, that IS a problem. Maybe I'm just confused by what you mean.
I assume she means that according to his standard/ideas of what a portion is to look like.
OP - I have the verbal support of my spouse, but he does still bring home the foods that he wants to eat, and that I have a hard time controlling. But that's on me. If there is no room for me to eat the chips or drink the beer, then it is my choice to not eat them or to eat them. It's not his job to "diet" with me. He works a physical job and needs cheap fuel to have the energy to do so. I wouldn't tell him to stop bringing them home, that would be sad.
I do most of the cooking at home, so I cook what I want to eat and what makes sense for me. He eats what I make, and will supplement his diet accordingly.
I get up to go to the gym at 4:30 am. I don't expect him to get up with me. I do expect him to allow me the chance to go to bed a bit early (usually by 10) so I'm not exhausted. If he wants to lay in bed with me and watch Netflix on his phone while I sleep... I don't argue with that as long as it isn't disturbing me. I do my very best to sneak out super quietly in the morning so I don't wake him up. I also don't expect him to work out at all, because that's his choice. He's not unhealthy, and I work out for me.
Anyway... not having the support of your household can certainly be draining. But if you do put yourself first, decide what you're going to do and then do it... you'll be fine. You don't need anyone else to toot your horn and motivate you - once you have built up some habits, you can rely on those.0 -
Do this for yourself!!!! Hang in there, you have all the strength you need.0
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