Is this a disordered eating thought?

First, I just want to say that you are not wrong in the way you feel. What he said is hurtful.

As someone who has PCOS (and hypothyroid, insulin resistance, etc) I know it’s a pain in the *kitten*. It makes the journey harder. We all know getting started and keeping with it is already hard enough. I just want to reassure you that it’s possible.

When I started, I hadn’t had a period for 5 years (thank you, PCOS). I’m 25. Last year I had my first period for the first time in literally all of my young adult life.

PCOS is motivation in itself. If you have the regular symptoms of fatigue, hair everywhere you don’t want it, hormone craziness, and all the goods... these get better as you lose weight. It’s a reminder everyday that you are becoming a healthier version of yourself.

As far as your conversation with your boyfriend I think it’s best to keep reminding him of how that sort of comments make you feel while also keeping in mind that he just wants you to be the healthiest you can be. You know? It doesn’t excuse *kitten* comments by any means. Sometimes people say dumb things, not to be hateful, but because they’re trying to help. They just don’t know how.

I hope that moving forward you receive support from him rather than what you described in your post. Keep going at it, don’t give up.

I get this with my husband sometimes, however I know that is because I was overweight for so long I am self conscious, and its something I am working on. I think I read into what he is saying more than I should at times. But I think its great you just asked him about it and told him you felt, I do the same thing and typically when I understand why he said what he said I feel better.

First, his response that you have mental problems was wrong.

His response to your question about getting ice cream might have more to do with how he felt about food at the moment; than it had to do with you, your goals, or your relationship with food. I am assuming that you both went to the bar for the football game, in which case you and he spent 3 - 4 hours with access to a buffet. How much did he eat during the game? Personally when I go to a buffet it affects my food choices for the rest of the day (ex. Lunch buffet = light supper & small or no bed-time dessert, Supper buffet = no bed-time dessert). After leaving a buffet I am uncomfortably full and a few hours later I would still feel full and have no desire to eat. If someone asked if I wanted ice cream I would turn them down. His reply with a question might have been based more on his own feeling of being full/overfull and not wanting to think about eating yet.

It is also possible that he observed how much you ate during the game and was trying to trigger some mindfulness as to at that moment why you wanted ice cream. Were you actually hungry? Did you eat too much salty food and needed something sweet to counter the salt?

You have given a partial snapshot of the interaction between you and your boyfriend, from your perspective. However none of us were there to actually observe everything that was said or how it was said, so we are at best playing Monday morning Dr Phils.

Keep in mind that nothing can destroy a relationship quicker than when one or both people assumes bad intention in statements that could have multiple interpretations. His response to your ice cream question could have been 1) self-centered I'm not hungry so how could you be, 2) playing Sigmund Freud and trying to get to the reason for wanting ice cream, or 3) worst-case "why do you want ice cream, when you're so fat? ". His reaction when you expressed how you felt could be 1) indignation because his response was due to his own feeling, 2) guilt at being caught trying to play psychoanalyst, or 3) defensive guilt because his mean thought was picked up on. Based on your history with him which is the most likely reason?

As to the question in your title "Is this a disordered eating thought?". There just is not enough info to answer that. This really seems to be an interpersonal communications issue that might be tinted by your feelings about yourself and your weight.

It would be a good idea to try to discuss this at a time when you are both calm and can discuss it rationally. This should be a give and take. If you feel that you might have jumped to conclusions or let your own baggage color your interruption of what was said, then be truthful and admit it. During the discussion keep yourself in check so that you don't give him an easy reason to shutdown or say you have mental problems. After the discussion review how it went. Was he open and participating in the discussion, or was he hostile, or closed off? Do you feel like you could have future discussions. If you feel that he is closed off or hostile, it will not get better with time or just because you lose weight.

Ultimately this is about your own journey through weight-loss and through life.

hararayne wrote: »

I know he wants me to lose more weight.

I truly believe that people often misunderstand a SO that is supportive and wants you to succeed for you from the one that wants you fit for selfish reasons, which is way more unhealthy than eating poorly. It's a very thin line between the two, but this part you need to not worry about. It doesn't matter what HE wants, it's what you want, and that's it. I realize in some cases partnerships are the way to go, such as buying a house or having kids, the other person should want it too or you're gonna struggle. But when it comes to getting in shape it doesn't matter what anyone else wants, it's your mind that has to stress over what to eat and when. Therefore it's your decision to do it and yours alone.

Be careful in ASSUMING anything "between the lines". It's easy to read in things not there.

My response to your SO would have been: "I want some ice cream. Im a little confused by your question...can you clarify?"

It could be he heard you incorrectly or his choice of words were awkward. He might be hypercritical of your food choices. Or maybe he really feels ice cream is death. Or on second thought hed like some fudge ripple.

But stopping and getting clear will often stop a lot of miscommunication.

I agree clarification can help a lot here. I have these thoughts DAILY. My spouse is extremely supportive and working with me, but sometines things get lost in translation and my thoughts tend to run away with me. Sometimes they have good intentions, but are wording their support wrong.

I do struggle with PCOS and I do fear I might have disordered/binge eating habits that makes my workouts and lifestyle changes a struggle. I have counted calories since high school and hated it, so I ate. I did it until recent years, too, and then decided I should enjoy myself the size I was and stopped counting. And ten two weeks ago I was told I have Type 2 Diabetes. I eat everything I should as a vegetarian/largely-plant based eater. Now my concerns are more cemented and having to monitor even more my moderation is awful. Its a steep learning curve.

I dont think you have problems. I think those thoughts are normal for your history that you've mentioned, and it helps even further for people like us to clarify. I see nothing wrong with treating yourself, and you shouldn't get the side-eye for it. You know your boundaries.