From denial to forgiveness

I felt the need to write this to move forward. So here goes.

I've gained 30 or so pounds, slowly and steadily, in 4 years. But my weight really skyrocketed after losing my relationship last december. I went into full-on, real af, self loathing and good ol' emotional eating. I was in denial, not just about my weight but about my now dead relationship as well. Even though I was the one who ended it, because it didin't have a future, I kept second guessing myself. The insecurity that kept growing along with my thighs disn't help. I started seeing him as this solutions for all my problems. If only I could mend things, if only he would love me, I could finally love myself. I began living in a downward spiral between dwelling on my loss and franticly going to moslty boring or just plain bad dates with other men. I wanted to be needed by someone, but I also wasn't at all ready for another relationship. I was just trying to trick myself into believing that I was.

A couple of nights I binged so hard that I was sick for days. Not just because of the food, I felt sick about what my life, of what I have become.

I met a couple of guys with whom I could maybe see myself with. Nothing became of it, partly because I just stopped responding to their messages after a while. I kept pulling and pushing. I actually considered agreeing to be in a relationship with a man I didn't like at all. I imagined that we would be the kind of couple who were friends rather than lovers. I considered having children with him even though any kind of intimacy between us made me cringe. I saw us sitting on our porch together, old, looking at something but never each other. I snapped out of it quite quickly.

So I'm here, and if you're reading this you know how much that means and what kind of a huge accomplishment this is.

Last week, my former partner reached out to me. He was going to be in town and wanted to see me. I said no. And after saying no, I regretted it a thousand times. But then, I started to feel better. Saying no to him, saying no to something I wished for for so long felt like I had some kind of control again, after all this time. I didn't need him to love me anymore. What mattered most is that I love myself, and I need to start fighting for that love.

It's 30 *kitten* pounds for chrissake!

So I decided that I'm going to ignore all things related to men, dates, potential dates and the ex, and focus 110% on myself. It's time. I'm going to kick these 30 pounfs to the curb and then keep on exercising and living my best life. I really don't care about anything else.

I've been on a diet for the past 5 days and feel better and better every day. I thing I'm starting to forgive myself. I thin I'm starting to heal.

Apart form getting here, I also made a list of treats I'm aloud to have. I replaced sweets and chips and trash with Matcha Lattes, manicures, face masks and days off, because I work too much. I've also printed up a calendar strictly for my weightloss. The plan is to lose the weight by the end of April next year, which gives me just over 6 months. I've set my milestones and wrote in small rewards from my wishlist to keep me motivated. I also already made a plan for next year of active hobbies I have been wanting to pick up for a long time. I am happy, for the first time in a long time.

Please forgive yourself. And if you made it this far share your weightloss motivation with me and others, we need all the help we can get.

xoxo