In need of some relationship / boy advice, badly.

kaleas
kaleas Posts: 200
edited September 2024 in Chit-Chat
This seems to be a reoccurring issue with me, and I really need some input.

I've had my heart broken about a year ago, and the entire experience left me jaded and cynical. I enjoyed my time being single, flirting, having small flings, but otherwise never settling into anything.

Enter boy. We have mutual friends. I'll be living with his best friend. We met at some parties. Hung out. Hiked and went tubing. One night after a day of hiking, we laid under the stars sharing stories and beer when he made a move on me. He said he'd had a crush on me for awhile, and was glad I didn't reject him. I told him I felt the same way, and spent the next day on cloud 9. Excited to finally meet someone that I could see myself opening up to.

A few days later, unfortunately we ended up too drunk at a party and slept together. We never really talked about it. It shouldn't have happened. He'd still text me daily to hang out, but would always end up flaking on me.

This was two weeks ago. Now it's me texting him. I saw him a week ago, when we had another kind of drunken sleeping together, but never talked about our mutual feelings again, or where it was going. I haven't heard from him as usual about getting together.

I don't know how the hell to take this. Did I mess things up by sleeping with him? I'd like to think at the age of 23, having sex isn't an end all to an actual relationship. I'm scared to text him. I want to ask him what the hell he thinks of me, but I don't want to seem like a nag. I don't know if I should try the approach of not contacting him till he talks to me, but then, what if he's just as afraid of talking to me, and then we never end up together?

I'm so frustrated!

Replies

  • karenkwalker
    karenkwalker Posts: 155 Member
    I always feel the authentic approach works best - maybe try and talk to him again in a calm place and share what you are feeling. Then whatever happens, happens but at least you were able to be yourself.
  • eillamarie
    eillamarie Posts: 862 Member
    Hun, I hate to tell you this, but if he started recently flaking out on you, & is now nowhere to be heard from, then he's not as serious about this as you are. :( *hugs*
  • skinnylove00
    skinnylove00 Posts: 662 Member
    i am not sure the entire situation, so dont take this seriously or to heart...but NEVER be ~that girl~ that he texts when hes drunk so he can get some booty! but since he said he had some feelings for you, you should definitely talk to him seriously about this whole issue when you are BOTH sober and have no chance of getting drunk later on in the day. see where you both stand on what actually happened, because its not fair to you or him that yall only have fun when youre both drunk ;)
  • NikkisNewStart
    NikkisNewStart Posts: 1,075 Member
    No offense... but at 23 you should have the balls to flat out ask wtf is up directly to him... and he should have the balls to give an honest response. This isn't high school. If it's going to be drunken hooking ups- then so be it. Just tell him how you feel and ask that he do the same... if he doesn't... move on.
  • Ambria0516
    Ambria0516 Posts: 62
    While having sex too soon can work out well, it usually doesnt. I agree with karen....you must talk to him, as in on the phone or in person....not a text. You arent going to know unless you ask. I wouldn't count on a relationship with someone who flakes like that though.
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    I would stop texting and contacting him and let him make a move...if he's going to, he will. But for some guys, the chase is the thrill-once they've "caught" you (ie sex) they lose interest...if he's one of those, you probably wouldn't want to keep trying with him anyway...

    Goodluck, I hope it works out, or that you meet someone else who is into you (and not games)

    edited to add: many years ago, I met someone I really liked and we slept together on our second date. we were together for 4 years after that, so I don't believe that sex too soon always ruins things...but unfortunately with some people it doesn't work that way :(
  • jillwaller
    jillwaller Posts: 82
    See other people. You aren't in an official monogamous relationship with him, and you shouldn't let him keep you from the possibility of better experiences. If he truly wants to make things serious, he WILL contact you. However, this could mean weeks or months- time you don't need to spend worrying over him and waiting. You're young, and shouldn't miss out on people who may be more of what you want because of this one person who flakes out. If he wants to have a relationship, he'll make it known.
  • juleseybaby
    juleseybaby Posts: 712 Member
    Yah - I would share what you are thinking and then leave the ball in his court. If he is not interested, doesn't answer, acts like an idiot :noway: - don't waste your time.
  • vwfrog
    vwfrog Posts: 57 Member
    ... maybe he thinks you're too awesome to like non-drunk him?
  • leezanicole
    leezanicole Posts: 96
    Tough situation, but the only way to know is to just ask him whats up?! Put everything out there and if he is still being a flake, then he wasn't worth your time in the first place. Don't let it bother you too much, but def don't do the drunk hookups anymore.. it just confuses the situation.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I wouldn't bother asking. He's not into you anymore. I'm not saying that in the b*tchy "too bad for you" way, I swear. More like "hate to say this". The mystery's gone. He knows your feelings and he's had sex with you. That's about all the "relationship" some guys can handle. Keep it movin'. Guys never respond well to you directly asking what happened. You'll get an answer (maybe) but that's about it. Most of the time ignoring them helps. Then they wonder why you've suddenly stopped being interested. My advice is to walk away without explanations. You're putting too much of yourself out there and not getting a return on it.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.
  • kaleas
    kaleas Posts: 200
    thanks guys for the advice.

    i think I just got overly excited to actually be...excited? about somebody for once. It had been so long and well, I guess I was really open and willing to the idea of finally being with someone. I just made it too easy.

    I'm going to take the ignoring and not talking to route. I kind of like that one better. And you're right. If he does have a genuine further interest in me, he'll find a way to make it known.

    Or maybe not? He had been in a relationship for 5 years, of which he was the one broken up with, and claims to be rather introverted and doesn't think he has that much to offer to someone. I'd like to think that there's good left in men, and that his assholishness can be chalked up to a lack of confidence, buutttt, I doubt it.
  • freeloaves
    freeloaves Posts: 281
    Best thing to do is lay it all out. In person or over the phone. As wtf is going on, what he's doing isn't cool.

    If you don't do it, you'll just be constantly be wondering 'what if?' This will at least give you some closure. Been there, done that, a hundred times it feels.

    Best advice I ever got was to just be yourself, do what your heart says, not what the rules of dating say and if he runs away screaming, he was an *kitten* and never meant to be in the first place.

    Hope it works out for you, in one way or the other

    x
  • halobender
    halobender Posts: 780 Member
    I wouldn't bother asking. He's not into you anymore. I'm not saying that in the b*tchy "too bad for you" way, I swear. More like "hate to say this". The mystery's gone. He knows your feelings and he's had sex with you. That's about all the "relationship" some guys can handle. Keep it movin'. Guys never respond well to you directly asking what happened. You'll get an answer (maybe) but that's about it. Most of the time ignoring them helps. Then they wonder why you've suddenly stopped being interested. My advice is to walk away without explanations. You're putting too much of yourself out there and not getting a return on it.
    This, so much.

    If you ask him at all about it he's going to be like, "Whoa, I'm not sure if I'm ready for anything this serious."

    If he does get a hold of you to hang out in the future, however, go do something and make sure you end the night there. Figure out if he wants to date or if he's just after some booty.

    But chances are you should probably move on.
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    ...so while we're on this subject, my question is WHY?

    what is it with the chase for you guys? I get tired of bein' "clubbed over the head" and then dumped in the dirt ;)

    And yes I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times. Even thrown the book across the room...but as much as I hate to admit it, it's TRUE.

    I've been single (and apparenty cynical?) for way too long.
  • LovelySophiya
    LovelySophiya Posts: 104
    Hun, I hate to tell you this, but if he started recently flaking out on you, & is now nowhere to be heard from, then he's not as serious about this as you are. :( *hugs*


    I TOTALLY AGREE WITH HER........once I notice a guy start acting weird it must mean he isnt into you anymore or he found someone else or he wants to keep you as a back up plan :/ good luck hunn i know how you feel
  • jillwaller
    jillwaller Posts: 82
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    I hate to admit how true this is... When I first met the boy who is now my boyfriend, I was a total b*tch to him. (I'm a nice person, I swear! He had dated my friend a couple years ago and I had cleared it with her, but I didn't want to like him.) For like 3 months, I treated him awfully. Honestly, I've apologized and i regret it now, but he says that's why he was so interested. It's really weird. When a guy treats me bad, I just cut him out of my life haha I'm the total opposite!
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    thanks guys for the advice.

    i think I just got overly excited to actually be...excited? about somebody for once. It had been so long and well, I guess I was really open and willing to the idea of finally being with someone. I just made it too easy.

    I'm going to take the ignoring and not talking to route. I kind of like that one better. And you're right. If he does have a genuine further interest in me, he'll find a way to make it known.

    Or maybe not? He had been in a relationship for 5 years, of which he was the one broken up with, and claims to be rather introverted and doesn't think he has that much to offer to someone. I'd like to think that there's good left in men, and that his assholishness can be chalked up to a lack of confidence, buutttt, I doubt it.

    Read "He's Just Not That Into You."

    We can make all the excuses we want for why guys blow us off, but if someone is truly, genuinely interested...they will get over their old relationship and/or issues and show you how they really feel. It doesn't mean that there isn't good left in men...but it sounds like he's not a good one for you. You deserve someone better.
  • LovelySophiya
    LovelySophiya Posts: 104
    I wouldn't bother asking. He's not into you anymore. I'm not saying that in the b*tchy "too bad for you" way, I swear. More like "hate to say this". The mystery's gone. He knows your feelings and he's had sex with you. That's about all the "relationship" some guys can handle. Keep it movin'. Guys never respond well to you directly asking what happened. You'll get an answer (maybe) but that's about it. Most of the time ignoring them helps. Then they wonder why you've suddenly stopped being interested. My advice is to walk away without explanations. You're putting too much of yourself out there and not getting a return on it.



    omg best advice ever :)
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    ...so while we're on this subject, my question is WHY?

    what is it with the chase for you guys? I get tired of bein' "clubbed over the head" and then dumped in the dirt ;)

    And yes I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times. Even thrown the book across the room...but as much as I hate to admit it, it's TRUE.

    I've been single (and apparenty cynical?) for way too long.

    I have no idea why, I just know that's what guys do. got to ensnare them with you feminine wiles and then retrain them. I wish I could help.. just think on our level. like caveman, with club. club good.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    ...so while we're on this subject, my question is WHY?

    what is it with the chase for you guys? I get tired of bein' "clubbed over the head" and then dumped in the dirt ;)

    And yes I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times. Even thrown the book across the room...but as much as I hate to admit it, it's TRUE.

    I've been single (and apparenty cynical?) for way too long.

    There are very very few monogamous creatures on this earth. That's the way I look at it. We're all still very true to our animal nature, even women. Something that is easy to get is probably wounded or no one else wants it for some reason. It's pretty elemental in my book. Once you've come to accept it, it makes the interactions easier. I don't wonder or worry about guys anymore. They'll come to you and they'll do the work. All you have to do is show up and highlight the most impressive parts of yourself (physically and mentally) for them to see.
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    ...so while we're on this subject, my question is WHY?

    what is it with the chase for you guys? I get tired of bein' "clubbed over the head" and then dumped in the dirt ;)

    And yes I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times. Even thrown the book across the room...but as much as I hate to admit it, it's TRUE.

    I've been single (and apparenty cynical?) for way too long.

    I have no idea why, I just know that's what guys do. got to ensnare them with you feminine wiles and then retrain them. I wish I could help.. just think on our level. like caveman, with club. club good.

    LOL...I guess I need to work on finding someone I can re-train...hehe
  • Scott613
    Scott613 Posts: 2,317 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    ...so while we're on this subject, my question is WHY?

    what is it with the chase for you guys? I get tired of bein' "clubbed over the head" and then dumped in the dirt ;)

    And yes I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times. Even thrown the book across the room...but as much as I hate to admit it, it's TRUE.

    I've been single (and apparenty cynical?) for way too long.

    There are very very few monogamous creatures on this earth. That's the way I look at it. We're all still very true to our animal nature, even women. Something that is easy to get is probably wounded or no one else wants it for some reason. It's pretty elemental in my book. Once you've come to accept it, it makes the interactions easier. I don't wonder or worry about guys anymore. They'll come to you and they'll do the work. All you have to do is show up and highlight the most impressive parts of yourself (physically and mentally) for them to see.

    Wolves have one mate for life.......and they're wild dogs!
  • _beachgirl_
    _beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
    he will respect you more if you are confident and direct. none of this texting around and stuff. Sounds like your just a booty call to him. What are you making him chase?? guys want to chase, make him chase you.

    ...so while we're on this subject, my question is WHY?

    what is it with the chase for you guys? I get tired of bein' "clubbed over the head" and then dumped in the dirt ;)

    And yes I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times. Even thrown the book across the room...but as much as I hate to admit it, it's TRUE.

    I've been single (and apparenty cynical?) for way too long.

    There are very very few monogamous creatures on this earth. That's the way I look at it. We're all still very true to our animal nature, even women. Something that is easy to get is probably wounded or no one else wants it for some reason. It's pretty elemental in my book. Once you've come to accept it, it makes the interactions easier. I don't wonder or worry about guys anymore. They'll come to you and they'll do the work. All you have to do is show up and highlight the most impressive parts of yourself (physically and mentally) for them to see.

    Wolves have one mate for life.......and they're wild dogs!

    Awww, that's romantic!
  • AJay513
    AJay513 Posts: 187
    I have to agree with some of these posts....

    I'm a firm believe in, if he wants to call or see you he will make it happen.
    I read He's Just Not That Into You when I was like 13 and the advise has stuck with me ever since.
    Unfortunately, I think you should just drop it and move on!!
    And next time prevent the drunken hook up! Realistically- with may guys it doesn't matter how old you, if you sleep with him right away (especially drunk sex) = ruined chance of being serious.
  • danacho
    danacho Posts: 115 Member
    In all honesty let the dude chase you, if he doesnt then he aint worth it and just put it down to another life experience. If he was serious about you he'd be trying to grab every oppurtunity to spend time with you even if its to say hello and if he couldn't then thats when the romantic side of him should be kicking in with sending flowers to your work, sending texts/emails just to let you know your in his thoughts etc

    It seems the dude is playing games with your emotions and when you reply to his texts its giving him the control, ignore the desire to text him and do things to keep yourself occupied and if he texts then leave it a little while before you reply (let the dude sweat). If he starts to chase you then YOU can be the one to decide if the relationships is going to happen or not!!

    But i'd have to say though just move on to someone that deserves you and doesnt want to play games and is honest about how he feels!!
  • Jemmuno
    Jemmuno Posts: 413 Member
    [/quote]

    There are very very few monogamous creatures on this earth. That's the way I look at it. We're all still very true to our animal nature, even women. Something that is easy to get is probably wounded or no one else wants it for some reason. It's pretty elemental in my book. Once you've come to accept it, it makes the interactions easier. I don't wonder or worry about guys anymore. They'll come to you and they'll do the work. All you have to do is show up and highlight the most impressive parts of yourself (physically and mentally) for them to see.
    [/quote]

    The last part of this is so true! I met my current boyfriend of two years outside a drinking environment and I didn't have to do anything. He called and texted. He never gave me me any doubt that he wasnt interested and that's what u want to find a guy that isn't second guessing himself and knows exactly what he wants because those guys don't play games.
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