Horrible self esteem
evilpoptart63
Posts: 397 Member
I was wondering if anyone has been able to heal self esteem issues and could possibly share some tips. Basically, I had terrible self esteem when I was overweight then my husband said/did some things that made the issue 100x worse and I havent been able to get over it. It motivated me to lose weight but the closer I get to my goal, the more I fixate on my flaws and I am every bit as insecure now as I was when I was obese. Im with a healthy BMI, healthy BF%, and only have a few vanity pounds left until Im at a weight I have always felt comfortable with. My husband has apologized so many times and makes a point to let me know he loves me and is attracted to me but I cant seem to let go of all the nasty things he said/did in the past and I hear his words in my head every day reminding me that im disgusting and he could do better. I think I need to get to the point that Im comfortable in my skin before i can forgive him so I was wondering if anyone was able to build up their self esteem and feel confident in themselves before they had their "ideal body" and if you could please share any steps you took to get there 
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Replies
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One of my long-term-relationship exes used to call me fatty as a 'pet name'. Often and mean-spirited, he wasn't a chubby chaser and let it be known. This was not even near my heaviest weight (I was getting close to Morbid at one point)... I'm currently at the barest bottom of low of my 'healthy range', and I still have horribly insecure days and some good "*kitten* y'all, I'm fab" days. I've actually never been to where I am now, been at least chubby for as long as I can remember.
It is hard to pick yourself back up. On the days I feel bad, I do something for me. Something that makes me feel pretty, even if it is as simple as wearing my 'expensive makeup', wearing an outfit I deem 'extra', goin' full grunge goth confidence look, giving myself a fancy/complicated hairstyle, etc. Something for me to look in the mirror and say, "*kitten* YOU, SELF. LOOK AT THAT SEXY *kitten*. LOOK AT IT. FLIP THE HAIR. I SAID FLIP IT. Now go to badass at other places, GOGOGO."
... Yep.
I also recommend you and your husband possibly going to see someone about what had been done in the past. Forgiveness can be given with time, but it should not be forced. This is something deep and extremely hurtful, it shouldn't be pushed under the rug. Doing so can make things worse as it builds up in the back of the mind.4 -
One of my long-term-relationship exes used to call me fatty as a 'pet name'. Often and mean-spirited, he wasn't a chubby chaser and let it be known. This was not even near my heaviest weight (I was getting close to Morbid at one point)... I'm currently at the barest bottom of low of my 'healthy range', and I still have horribly insecure days and some good "*kitten* y'all, I'm fab" days. I've actually never been to where I am now, been at least chubby for as long as I can remember.
It is hard to pick yourself back up. On the days I feel bad, I do something for me. Something that makes me feel pretty, even if it is as simple as wearing my 'expensive makeup', wearing an outfit I deem 'extra', goin' full grunge goth confidence look, giving myself a fancy/complicated hairstyle, etc. Something for me to look in the mirror and say, "*kitten* YOU, SELF. LOOK AT THAT SEXY *kitten*. LOOK AT IT. FLIP THE HAIR. I SAID FLIP IT. Now go to badass at other places, GOGOGO."
... Yep.
I also recommend you and your husband possibly going to see someone about what had been done in the past. Forgiveness can be given with time, but it should not be forced. This is something deep and extremely hurtful, it shouldn't be pushed under the rug. Doing so can make things worse as it builds up in the back of the mind.
First off, congrats on the weight loss! Thats an amazing transformation and Im happy to hear your feeling much better for the most part. I love the idea of getting all purtied up when Im feeling especially low. That sounds like something that would probably make me feel much better. Thank you!! Usually when Im feeling down, I just want to hide in baggy sweats and a hoodie. That might be making things worse lol. My husband and I have talked about going to therapy, its just very difficult to get in with someone in my tiny town so we talk through things a lot at home. Our marriage has actually been great, other than when I get bitchy about my hurt feelings but he has been patient and supportive when it comes out.1 -
Honestly my self esteem has been in the toilet for years. I’ve always been overweight so I heard all the mean nick names. But if I hear any of them or someone talks down to me I simply flip the tables on them. I point out what ever insecurities they have and let them know I won’t take it from anyone. I’ve recently had a male customer tell me I’m the ugliest receptionist he’s ever seen. I simply told him he was no prize either and I felt sorry for whatever person he’s with and the fact they had to see his beer gut and deal with his nasty self everyday. Haven’t seen the customer ever since and my manager applauded me.
Don’t get me wrong I won’t attack anyone with their insecurities for fun, but your husband has a lot to answer for. Love isn’t supposed to care about what you look like, how much you weigh, or how you dress.
Take yourself out, go have a spa day, get some girl friends together and have a night out dancing. Do something that’s just for you and say “screw you world, I’m here and proud of my accomplishments. If you don’t like me, stay out of my way.”
And if nobody has told you today, you’re gorgeous the way you are.1 -
These self-help positive psychology worksheets and activities may be helpful:
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-esteem-worksheets/
Also, you can purchase "Overcoming Low Self Esteem" by Dr. Melanie Fennell on Amazon. If you can't make it work on your own, look for a counselor or psychologist in your area who takes a cognitive approach or a short-term solution focused approach, and who lists self esteem as one of his/her focuses.3 -
These self-help positive psychology worksheets and activities may be helpful:
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-esteem-worksheets/
Also, you can purchase "Overcoming Low Self Esteem" by Dr. Melanie Fennell on Amazon. If you can't make it work on your own, look for a counselor or psychologist in your area who takes a cognitive approach or a short-term solution focused approach, and who lists self esteem as one of his/her focuses.
Thank you for posting the link to the self-esteem worksheets. 1 -
These self-help positive psychology worksheets and activities may be helpful:
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-esteem-worksheets/
Also, you can purchase "Overcoming Low Self Esteem" by Dr. Melanie Fennell on Amazon. If you can't make it work on your own, look for a counselor or psychologist in your area who takes a cognitive approach or a short-term solution focused approach, and who lists self esteem as one of his/her focuses.
Yes, Thank you!!! I will dig into these today. I glanced at it and there seems to be a lot of very helpful info!!0 -
It is really hard when someone who is meant to love you says such hurtful things, and I am afraid I haven’t got an easy answer. My oh was incredibly hurtful about my weight when I was slim and weighed much *less* than I do now, and I am sure it paradoxically contributed to my weight gain. I kind of didn’t see the point in trying. So I guess I am really impressed by how strong and positive you have been in turning it into a reason to look after yourself and get healthy. And if that isn’t a reason to hold your head high, I don’t know what is!0
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It is really hard when someone who is meant to love you says such hurtful things, and I am afraid I haven’t got an easy answer. My oh was incredibly hurtful about my weight when I was slim and weighed much *less* than I do now, and I am sure it paradoxically contributed to my weight gain. I kind of didn’t see the point in trying. So I guess I am really impressed by how strong and positive you have been in turning it into a reason to look after yourself and get healthy. And if that isn’t a reason to hold your head high, I don’t know what is!
Im so sorry your OH was so mean. It is especially hurtful coming from someone you love and I can completely understand how it could contribute to weight gain. I think a lot of people are critical of themselves and you would hope that the person you love would be there to
Show unconditional love instead of reinforcing the insecurities and making it worse. Did you end up building resentment from the pain? Have you done anything to try to work through it? I hope he's treating you better now!0 -
Thanks evilpoptart63. He has cut down the “teasing”. What helped was having daughters and asking him how he would feel if someone said those things to them. But yes, it did lead to resentment and to a loss of trust. I kind of felt like if he meant it, he wasn’t a nice person and so I shouldn’t trust him, and if he didn’t then he wasn’t sincere and I shouldn’t trust him. I found it hard to put a positive spin on being undermined... in the end i decided the simple explanation is that we are all thoughtless sometimes.0
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My situation is somewhat the reverse of yours - when me & my partner got together I weighed about 80kg and in these past 3.5 years I have gained 30kg.
He has also said some hurtful things to me, but he is starting to understand how sensitive my weight issue is since I have struggled all my life.
I know how difficult it can be to love yourself - but take little steps. I have found that identifying what it is that makes me feel crappy helps to find something to make me feel better, e.g. sometimes I feel like a lazy obese slug, so then I'll either clean our home or go for a walk or play with my dogs - just to show my mind that I can actually do something active. So it's almost like having a 'come-back' to your negative thoughts I hope I'm making sense?
It's an everyday struggle but a little makes a lot So I truly hope that you see in yourself what your loved ones see in you
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Isn't there a study that shows women who move in with men, be it BF or hubby gain weight?
Had this thought. What if you made a list of things you think would improve your self esteem? Sure, weight loss may be #1, it might be 1, 2 & 3. But are there other steps you could take that might be more short term or direct? A dose of self esteem will help your weight loss efforts.
I stumbled into this. As a reward for losing 25 lbs, I bought a new suit. I still had 75+lbs to go, but it was a game changer. I felt like a different person. I wanted more.2
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