Where to from here?

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edeconing
edeconing Posts: 10 Member
in Motivation and Support
This is going to be a fairly long one - so brace yourself!

Basically, my boyfriend and I have now been together for 3.5 years. When he met me I weighed about 80kg and I was happy & healthy. Over the years, however, I have gained a whopping 30kg. This is mainly due to the fact that I love food, I'm an emotional eater, there have been serious ups and downs in my life and that I am a tad lazy sometimes.

With me gaining all this weight it has affected our relationship since I'm not exactly the person he fell in love with. He says his worry in rooted in the fact that I am not comfortable with myself and that he wants me to be happy. I do, however, feel that sometimes he is ashamed of me and the way I look. Now my question is, how am I supposed to handle his advice/criticism without having my self-esteem nose dive straight into the ground again?

This last year my weight has yo-yo'd quite a bit and now after our last holiday, I'm right back to where I started. Due to the fact that I have let myself go so much, I often experience immense anger & disappointment when I try to exercise since it's a constant reminder of how 'bad' I have become and I'm always asking myself how I let this happen. What ways are there to make exercise more motivating and to not feel like a complete failure when you suck at doing something you once did with ease?

My eating habits are always up to *kitten* - I either eat too little or too much (mostly too much though). When I'm in a routine - all is more or less okay, but as soon as the weekend comes or if there is a slight disruption in my life - I eat like a piglet. How does one make healthy eating just as good? I often feel like I'm missing out on the good food out there and it is actually frightening how anxious I get about it (that's mainly why I overeat) - is this even normal? Also, what are other ways of coping that emotional eaters have turned to?

I honestly just want to be happy with myself again - I want my boyfriend to feel proud of having me and I seriously don't want to have a problem with food anymore.

I really just need some motivation, advice or a simple understanding nod.

xxx

Replies

  • Bex953172
    Bex953172 Posts: 4,079 Member
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    Okay so I’m not sure what to say on the emotional eating front but it seems you’ve got your thoughts in a twist. Maybe a bit of acceptance can help you. Accept that this has happened, you’ve gained weight, you can only run to the end of the road now rather than round the whole block!

    But it’s all about progress, not perfection.

    I did a workout video at home (because the gym is a mythical land to me haha)

    And it was 40mins long, and it had like a cardio dance routine then a bit of strength training then cardio again then strength and then again cardio and strength. So 3 times and different workouts.

    My god I only did the first set Before I was a sweaty out of breathe mess crumpled on the sofa!
    And I felt pretty poop about it not gonna lie. I’m 25, still young and desperate to get pre baby body back!
    But I tried again a couple of days later, I managed about 5 minutes more. Still disheartened
    But within 2 weeks I was doing the first 2 sets! Properly (well almost) and I was getting better each time!

    Now had I not fallen pregnant again I’d probably be beasting that video by now!

    I had also never been able to touch my toes (lack of flexibility) even when I was 15 I couldn’t do it.
    But I could after working out more and stretching my legs and actually working the muscles I needed. 10 years I hadn’t touched my toes with legs straight! And I did it!
    Obviously can’t now with a big bump in the way and because I’ve not been doing any exercise when pregnant my legs are stiff again, they ache because I don’t exercise them and it’s unlikely I’ll be able to touch my toes again when this baby comes!


    And one last thing (if you made it this far)

    Don’t do it for your bf.
    Do it for you.
    Because if he says something and it upsets you you will nosedive and be upset because
    You’re doing it for him and he can’t see the effort you’re putting in and you’ll think it’s for nothing.

    Do it for you, and if someone says something critical use it to prove them wrong

    My partner said due to my shape I may not achieve the size/body I want.
    I didn’t go to the cupboard and eat biscuits because then of course I’d never be the size I want.
    I just said “well I’m gonna try my best” and in my head I thought “I’ll show you you son of a...”

    Get your mind in the right place and the rest will follow :)
  • edeconing
    edeconing Posts: 10 Member
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    Ha ha - thoughts are quite twisted, yes.

    I agree - one's mind is a powerful thing & some days I'm motivated as hell! :D So I suppose you train it just as you train your body.

    Well done for being able to touch your toes - after baby is born I'm sure you'll crush it even more!

    You see, I'm generally quite a strong-willed & straight up person so I doubt I would ever be able to allow myself to do such a thing for someone else - I know I should become healthier for my own sake.

    Here's to getting our minds in the right place, hey?

    Thank you for your comment :)

    x
  • edeconing
    edeconing Posts: 10 Member
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    You have a point there about the use of the term 'love'.

    I completely agree - & this is something I say everyday. Is being 'overweight' truly the worst thing one can be? Because I honestly feel that society makes it out to be worse than a lot of other things - sad isn't it?

    Time & hard work can do wonders!

    Thank you for your words @88olds :)
  • Bex953172
    Bex953172 Posts: 4,079 Member
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    If you want to give it a good go and take it one step at a time, as you don’t make something a habit in a day; it takes consistency
    There’s a group I’m part of, well it’s a thread on this board called

    “Just for today - start of a new year”...

    There’s a bunch of us, we’ve all become good friends but always love new people coming as our main aim is to help people form habits. The idea being is you can do anything for “just one day” and then soon it just becomes the norm to do that goal rather than “trying” to do the goal
    If that makes sense?

    Some of us have come really far on it :) and we also chat and support eachother about other things in life like work, families, relationships, illnesses etc as it’s our surroundings that affect what we eat too!

    You should come check it out and see ifs it’s something you like :)
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
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    edeconing wrote: »
    This is going to be a fairly long one - so brace yourself!

    Basically, my boyfriend and I have now been together for 3.5 years. When he met me I weighed about 80kg and I was happy & healthy. Over the years, however, I have gained a whopping 30kg. This is mainly due to the fact that I love food, I'm an emotional eater, there have been serious ups and downs in my life and that I am a tad lazy sometimes.

    With me gaining all this weight it has affected our relationship since I'm not exactly the person he fell in love with. He says his worry in rooted in the fact that I am not comfortable with myself and that he wants me to be happy. I do, however, feel that sometimes he is ashamed of me and the way I look. Now my question is, how am I supposed to handle his advice/criticism without having my self-esteem nose dive straight into the ground again?

    This last year my weight has yo-yo'd quite a bit and now after our last holiday, I'm right back to where I started. Due to the fact that I have let myself go so much, I often experience immense anger & disappointment when I try to exercise since it's a constant reminder of how 'bad' I have become and I'm always asking myself how I let this happen. What ways are there to make exercise more motivating and to not feel like a complete failure when you suck at doing something you once did with ease?

    My eating habits are always up to *kitten* - I either eat too little or too much (mostly too much though). When I'm in a routine - all is more or less okay, but as soon as the weekend comes or if there is a slight disruption in my life - I eat like a piglet. How does one make healthy eating just as good? I often feel like I'm missing out on the good food out there and it is actually frightening how anxious I get about it (that's mainly why I overeat) - is this even normal? Also, what are other ways of coping that emotional eaters have turned to?

    I honestly just want to be happy with myself again - I want my boyfriend to feel proud of having me and I seriously don't want to have a problem with food anymore.

    I really just need some motivation, advice or a simple understanding nod.

    xxx

    This is not about what he says about you or "how to handle" what you have projected he thinks. You obviously have a lot of issues going on in your head. I would encourage you to seek some professional guidance and counseling.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,473 Member
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    Pavlovian. I hate auto correct.
  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
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    I want to address this a bit differently.

    We all love food. OK, most of us do. Eating is supposed to be pleasureable, we have to eat, to keep us alive and healthy. Food is good. It's just that it's too much food and too much eating sometimes, and sometimes happening too often.

    We are also lazy. But there are basically two kinds of lazy - one that is effective and energy-saving and makes us feel good and gets things done, and one that is rooted in apathy, which makes us feel miserable and powerless.

    Exercise for fun, for good health, to feel good. Don't exercise to lose weight or as punishment.

    Don't eat strange, boring or disgusting food just because you think it's "healthy". No foods are healthy or unhealthy. A healthy diet is balanced and varied, and you can eat anything you want in moderation. Feed yourself regularly and reliably. Eat enough every day, but not too much over time. Eat as much as you need of everything you want. Plan your meals based on your real life and your actual schedule. You will have to say no sometimes, but it's much easier to say no when you know that you can say yes.

    Allow yourself, truly, no - demand - to enjoy what you eat. Eat for pleasure and nourishment, not to handle stress and emotions. Stress and emotions must be handled in other, more efficient ways.
  • nowine4me
    nowine4me Posts: 3,985 Member
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    I’ll just address the missing out on good food part, because I experience that too. It doesn’t always work, but I really try to not eat anything over my calories goal that is readily available year round — like candy. If there’s something special like great homemade cake or cookies, I’m generally all-in.

    If you don’t already cook a lot — start. You and your BF can plan and cook together, and that will give you some control. Then it comes down to portion control.
  • edeconing
    edeconing Posts: 10 Member
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    @Bex953172 That sounds really cool - will definitely check it out. Thanks :smile:

    @AllyMacD737 Very well done on your progress - I'm so chuffed for you! Thank you for your encouragement.

    @kommodevaran I agree with you - balance is definitely what I am trying to achieve here.

    @nowine4me I'm glad to see I'm not alone in that one - some days are worse than others. I find my major downfall is mainly on weekends. My boyfriend & I have got off to a good start this week - cooking delicious healthy meals & going to the gym again. Small steps hey? Already feeling far more positive even though I have had scones & jam today (a reward from one of my colleagues for not cursing for a day - ha ha).
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,473 Member
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    Not going to concede the "love food" on this thread. It's not "love" and calling it love is an unhelpful exaggeration. How does anyone square loving food without engaging in emotional eating?

    I want my meals to be satisfying. Taste good enough, feel full enough, nutritious enough.

    Most stuff I eat is pretty basic, but I don't eat "diet" food. You won't find any rice cakes or celery sticks here. Until recently, I ate ice cream nearly every day for years while losing and maintaining. Just crunched the numbers and made it fit.

    Deprivation will do you in.
  • edeconing
    edeconing Posts: 10 Member
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    @88olds I think what most people get at when they use the term 'love' in the context of food is that it is something that they enjoy & are passionate about. I'm personally very passionate about food - and the cooking thereof. So when I say I love food - I mean I enjoy it, whether I'm eating it, cooking it or giving it away. It's an essential part of life through which you can express yourself - creatively that is.

    You know, like the saying "There are different kinds of love"
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,473 Member
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    Good argument and may be correct. But we're here for weight loss. I love pizza is an idea. And it's not a helpful one.

    It's an exaggeration. I also quit telling myself I was starving.

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