Loved one not happy.

sarainthecity1
sarainthecity1 Posts: 4
edited September 18 in Motivation and Support
I will be 25 next week and am the biggest i have ever been. I am 176 right now, and just came down from 182. The biggest problem in addition to my self esteem dropping is that the man in my life of the past 8 months has a huge problem with my wieght gain. I started the relationship at 163-165 and now i am roughly 10-15 pounds heavier. He has brought it up on several occasions. My biggest question is this: Does anyone else have someone pestering them about losing wieght? Is it acceptable for his comments? I just joined a gym and obviously fitness pal, so I am making an effort....is there any thing I can do to put out the fire of him being frustrated with me? New to relationship stuff-all advice welcome.

Replies

  • sarainthecity1
    sarainthecity1 Posts: 4
    I will be 25 next week and am the biggest i have ever been. I am 176 right now, and just came down from 182. The biggest problem in addition to my self esteem dropping is that the man in my life of the past 8 months has a huge problem with my wieght gain. I started the relationship at 163-165 and now i am roughly 10-15 pounds heavier. He has brought it up on several occasions. My biggest question is this: Does anyone else have someone pestering them about losing wieght? Is it acceptable for his comments? I just joined a gym and obviously fitness pal, so I am making an effort....is there any thing I can do to put out the fire of him being frustrated with me? New to relationship stuff-all advice welcome.
  • simlane
    simlane Posts: 31 Member
    hi sweet, i was 2 stone lighter when i met my guy and two years on im two stone heavier. i thought this was silly so i started on this site to help slim down, he contantly tells me he'd love me if i put on a hundered stone,i have really low self esteem. if your guy keeps pushing you about your weight tell him it hurts and your trying to lose it. if he loves you then the small amout you've added wont matter that much unless he just interested in your looks. im really lucky with my guy coz i hate how i look n dress in the baggiest stuff i can find. im a size 20 now after 2 months on here but still have a long way to go. hope you lose the weight you want but do it for yourself not just coz he is pestering you coz thats not a good enough reason just to please someone else. im sure you're still just as pretty and nice to be around so a quiet word to him to help you not put you down would give you a great boost.
    good luck, this site is great and the gym will help you loads too.
  • simlane
    simlane Posts: 31 Member
    oh im 25 as well x
  • sarainthecity1
    sarainthecity1 Posts: 4
    thank you. i am starting to realize the wieght might be reciprocal of other issues such as stress....we argue a lot! and so yes, i do think doing it for myself is the best course. fighting sure does take the energy and motivation away doesnt it!
  • simlane
    simlane Posts: 31 Member
    well thats part of the prob why i started eating more as well but im sure u'll do fine, and not saying this will work but if you do slim down u might get back on track relationshipwise. wishing you all the best xx
  • xzeven
    xzeven Posts: 1
    well..... i just had our 2nd baby.......and i havn't lost a single pound in the last 4 months that i had him......... ( im at 140) i am normaly quite thin, and now my husband makes little cracks all the time at me about my " kangaroo pouch" , or just the dirty looks whenever i look for a snack! so i know exactly how you feel! Id like to knock him around sometimes but instead i just try to exersise a little bit every morning and try to keep going using the hurt feelings as motivation!
  • natalieesmith
    natalieesmith Posts: 13
    I was in a very unahppy relationship where my self esteem spiralled downward and my wieght upward. After we split I got a new lease on life and alot of my health problems went away. Ulcer etc. Then after I got married, I continued to lose weight. From 170 to 151 and now I am onto my final 16 pounds...Try at first to tell him how his comments make you feel and how it contributes to your weight gain. get active together and also...do it for YOU nobody else!

    You will only make permanent lifestyle changes if it is for YOU..

    The question you must ask yourself is why am I doing this... look for the right reasons and only those reasons to change.
  • Skinnier_Me
    Skinnier_Me Posts: 341 Member
    He should love you for you... all of you.

    Small, big, in between.

    It should not matter at all.

    Tell him how you feel honey.

    Tell him it's not helping you lose the weight at all.
  • priebe
    priebe Posts: 4
    I gained the birth control weight after being married. My husband tries to support me in losing weight, but I make sure there is a fine line drawn between support and pestering. Ask him to use all positive comments. I know I have had to prove to my husband that I am serious about losing weight before he could fully support me. I have also notices I will take things way more offensively when it is that time of the month. -That isn't his fault.
    I don't know if these are the same circumstances... but I wish you luck. -And know that you have support from all of us who are and seemingly aren't losing weight. Some steps need to be bigger than others, don't give up!
  • Sherfoodie
    Sherfoodie Posts: 34 Member
    I'm totally with Skinner-me on this one...
    IF he loves you, he's going to support you and keep his negative thoughts to himself.
    IF he won't shut up, kick the boy to the curb.
    You have to put yourself first on this one!!! Keep fighting the fight, You can do it and Boys are dumb.
  • Chris50
    Chris50 Posts: 6 Member
    A few weeks ago, my husband spoke the words I knew he had been thinking. He told me I was not desirable to him because I had gained 30 pounds since we met. Although he admitted he knew I gained the weight mostly from eating the meals he would cook when I get home, that didn't seem to matter too much. Since then, I do not let him see me unless I am dressed. Also, our marriage on the whole, has seemed to go down the drain. He rarely hugs me, and we are not intimate at all. I'm thinking more and more of "if he doesn't want me now, he won't want me after I lose the weight I need to lose". I want to get back to the weight I am comfortable with and I will. He hasn't changed his ways of cooking (imagine that!) but I've changed my eating habits. Then he wonders why I don't eat much when I get home now!!!
  • lisabauman
    lisabauman Posts: 11
    I have something in common with you, Chris50 ~ I live with my boyfriend of over nine years who is a chef. He prepares most of the meals at home as I am afraid my cooking is no match for his. He uses cream and butter in practically everything! Since moving in with him a little over a year ago, I have gained 15 pounds. In our nine years together, I have put on a total of about 30 pounds and it is I who have waned in interest of being intimate because I am so self-concious about my body.

    I wish us both luck in our battles with our 'chefs' at the dinner table!
  • citybyrd
    citybyrd Posts: 7
    People will say whatever they are going to say and I know that it isn't easy, but we must 'train' ourselves to listen to ourselves. I'm very fortunate romantically, my fiance tells me everytime I complain about my weight that he would love me regardless of what the scale says. My grandmother on the other hand takes every opportunity she can to bring my weight into conversation - even putting an article about the dangers of obesity in my birthday card.

    I'm not a therapist, but I do think you need to talk to your man. If he, like my grandma, makes comments based on concern then he will understand this is not the route to go and should make an effort instead to help. Ultimately you need to decide what is best for you and your health.

    You can do it! We all can!
  • deb_ge
    deb_ge Posts: 87 Member
    Sarah, that kind of pressure only adds to the problems

    I agree with Skinnier me. He should love all of you. There are plenty of great guys who will love you that way.

    Do talk to him. He may think he is helping you to face it. But lowering our self esteem only makes it all worse.

    I have gained 100 pounds since my wedding day...and I mean it when I say that my husbands passion for me is even greater today than it was 20 years ago.
  • bmayfield
    bmayfield Posts: 25
    I also agree with Skinnier-me on this. Your guys is not helping you and if he's trying to motivate you, surely there are more positive and constructive ways to do it. If someone loves you, they should love you for the real you, on the inside. Looks (and even perfect bodies) will fade as years go by and it's what's on the inside that matters. Good luck!

    Betty
  • sarbluebear
    sarbluebear Posts: 9 Member
    Hi Sara im sara as well and im 25, everytime I feel my partner doesn't find me attractive I believe its because of my weight and then what do I do, thats right I eat until nothing else will fit including my clothes. It's really important that you are loosing weight for you as you should be the most important person to yourself. Yes this can be seen as selfish but your no good to any1 else unless your happy, so if loosing weight makes u happy then jump on a bike or go for a run but don't do it for him. This is something special for you and someone shallow enough to make you feel like you have to justify your weight to them can't be healthy. If you want this relationship to work you may need to talk to him about positive support that will help in your quest to being the happier you. Once you start being you and living for you, you will be so irrestible despite your weight. xox Sara
  • y300210
    y300210 Posts: 11
    Hi Sara
    I was in a realtionship where the man I was with only really loved me when I was thin - as I gained weight he made hurtful remarks too - but this was only the tip of our problems, but I agree with the rest that they should love you for you - I finally told him one day that I thought he was more attractive before he started losing his hair, could he please just "do something" about that! That really made him think, but by then it was too late, I was tired of being put down - I beleive if you love someone you love them no matter what! My last relationship was with a man who loved me until I started to lose weight!! He is happier with me heavier than thin!! Wow, I sure can pick them!! Anyway, what really matters is how you feel, I personally feel so much better losing the weight - and anyone who wants to share my life with me will have to accept me thin or heavy, they need to love me for me, or they are not worth it - we all deserve to be loved for ourselves, not our bodies!
  • bigdane321
    bigdane321 Posts: 233 Member
    My wife and I both gained weight after marriage. We were both pretty thin when we met. All I know is this when I look at her all I see is the woman I love, the mother of my children, my best friend and someone I want to be with always regardless of her weight or how she looks. That being said, we are both trying our best to lose weight. My wife is doing it for herself and I'm doing it for myself. My only job is to be supportive. If I use sarcasm to push her I'm no longer serving her I'm serving my own selfish needs and wants. So ask yourself is your man going to be your partner or adversary regardless of what your choices are. Your special no matter what you weigh so long as your healthy and happy.
  • lotusfromthemud
    lotusfromthemud Posts: 5,335 Member
    dane, your wife is one lucky woman! I teared up reading your post.
  • y300210
    y300210 Posts: 11
    Wow - Dane, do you have a brother? I sure could use a man like you!!
  • Skinnier_Me
    Skinnier_Me Posts: 341 Member
    Yes BigD!!!
    Yes!!!!!
  • vspvsp
    vspvsp Posts: 6 Member
    I vote with made4praise - kick him to the curb. So you loose all the weight, then he will want you to get rid of the cellulite = liposuction. Then he will want you to have bigger boobs = implants. Then he will want you to have a better smile = dental veneers. Then he will want you to have perfect skin = dermabraision, botox and resterill (sp). Then he will want you to ...............

    Tell him to save you both all the trouble and go out and see if he can find a Victoria's Secret model who wants him. (I'm betting he can't come close.) Meanwhile you take care of yourself and loose weight if it will make you healthier.
  • Skinnier_Me
    Skinnier_Me Posts: 341 Member
    That's easier said than done.

    Love is something you can't just "kick to the curb".. you have to work through your problems.

    It's 50/50 but he's not willing to do his part, then you'll have to make a decision.

    I'm sure Victoria's Secret models aren't perfect either and I'm sure they don't want any dead weight to hold them down either.

    Anywho.... sweetie, lose weight for yourself. Make yourself feel better.
    He'll be eating his words soon if it isn't already.

    "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."
  • Nevada
    Nevada Posts: 140 Member
    I friend pointed out that I was getting a little porky. That, and my doctor telling me to watch the cholestrol, was what finally pushed me into doing something about it.

    It was not nice to hear from a friend, but I was glad someone felt comfortable saying it to me.

    In the cases of worrying if your mate will love you fat or skinny, just do it because you love yourself. That makes you easier to love.
  • izzyrut
    izzyrut Posts: 25
    My boyfriend of two years commented about my weight when i started putting on the pounds this year. I felt more motivated to go on a diet after i heard this from him, i want him to be attracted to me, he has helped me through this by supporting me and eating healthier himself. I am greatful that he spoke up when he did, it was what i needed to start this diet and life change.
  • filergirl
    filergirl Posts: 240
    At the skinniest and most fit I've ever been (about six months ago 115 lbs, 5'5, flat abs, looked amazing) I had a guy criticize my looks. You know what he picked on? The tiny little spider veins on my upper thighs. Oh, and he told me I was "old." I'm 28, by the way.

    The lesson is that no matter how amazing you look, someone is going to disagree with you or find something to pick on. I think if you really find someone attractive (as a whole person) they look good to you despite their flaws. My boyfriend has a tummy, but I kind of like it. It's him. I wouldn't like him any better if he had washboard abs.

    That being said, women generally seem more accepting of flaws in their partners.This is societal. A man's power isn't intrinsically linked with how he looks, except for maybe his height. Men don't have to squeeze themselves into form fitting clothing: on the whole their costumes are much more forgiving. A few extra pounds is not seen as fat.

    And, on the whole, men tend to be less self-critical. Why? I could write a whole dissertation on that. My opening salvo would be to simply repeat the conversation I overhead on the bus yesterday; rail-thin grade school girls calling themselves pigs and saying they should get off and walk becuase they're soooo fat.

    Don't see too many adolescent boys acting like that --

    So, the next time "the boyfriend" complains about your appearance, you could remind him of these points, then ask him when was the last time he a) had a baby b) had PMS c) stuffed himself into tight clothing d) wore a bra or took one damn minute to examine why it is he's criticizing your flaws, not his own!
  • julieofthewolves
    julieofthewolves Posts: 339 Member
    I think there is a big difference between a caring friend/loved one sharing their concern about your weight because they want you to be healthy and someone criticising you for your weight. The first case is supportive, the second case is condescending and insulting.

    Take care of yourself in every aspect. If you care enough about yourself to do the right thing about your weight, care enough about yourself to be respected in every way by your partner. My fear is that even if you had a 'perfect' body there would be something else he would find to critize. One who does that isn't loving you for all that you are.
  • TexasAngelBeth
    TexasAngelBeth Posts: 315 Member
    I think I am so lucky after reading some of the comments people have put on here. I was in a marriage that my ex used criticism as his way of expressing his unhappiness... now I am with a man who accepts me and loves me for who I am... he doesnt judge and is very supportive of what I want to do. He loves the whole me not just the physical me.
    I hope your boy friend can accept your trying and that you need to make you happy. Like everyone before me has said you need to do this for you...and you alone. Good luck
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