Denial and Acceptance

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MiniMatcha
MiniMatcha Posts: 41 Member
in Motivation and Support
A few months back around May I started to use myfitness pal as a way to get stronger and to lose weight. I was going through a lot at the time and I needed to de stress by being active again and improving my self esteem. I ended up losing a lot of weight, around 20lbs. I was running almost 5 miles every day, kick boxing, and felt so great about myself for the first time.
But after a while, I didn't realize I had a distorted image of my body. I was 104lbs but I felt like I needed to lose more weight because I felt unhappy about how I looked. I have a love of food and sweets but by trying to cut back a lot of things, I ended up stressing myself when I occasionally indulged. And with a new transition into work, family and relationship problems, I ended up having an unhealthy relationship with food again. I just felt so sad, heavy and self-conscious about my weight gain, so I stopped being active too, and I never got to complete my goal of a 5k run.
I kept telling myself I would restart again and again but kept pushing it off. But I forced myself to step on the scale again, and yes I am shocked but not really at the same time. I'm 119lbs now which means I've a gained about 15lbs in such a short amount of time.
But I realized that I need to accept myself however I am right now. That this weight and body shape does not change who I am as a person. And that anyone who judges my appearance is not worth my time. I came back to myfitness because I do want to get back on the right track. I do want to eat healthier again. At the moment it's a struggle to become active again like before, but I'm going to be taking baby steps to get there and finally go for that 5k. I want to be a stronger, happier best version of me in terms of health. And I'm not there yet but I'm still trying accept myself, and learning to forgive and love myself every step of the way.
I know this a long post that is irrelevant to most, but this is a personal story and just getting it out there, I feel more mentally and emotionally motivated to start again. For me, making the first step is a struggle, but I think just accepting my body and telling myself to start is going in a good direction. I wish everyone else out there the best of luck on their journey to good health and send you positivity, hope and strength!

Replies

  • hoppgeorge
    hoppgeorge Posts: 368 Member
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    Thank you for sharing!
  • JoLightensUp
    JoLightensUp Posts: 140 Member
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    It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with this year and all the stress eventually spilled over into your weight loss and fitness efforts as well.

    It seems like you are in a better place now to start over. You have learned a lot along the way (including about yourself) and this will all help you now.

    Like you say, "baby steps" - you'll get back there, and in a happier and healthier way this time around. :)
  • RavenLibra
    RavenLibra Posts: 1,737 Member
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    “That this weight and body shape does not change who I am as a person. And that anyone who judges my appearance is not worth my time”

    Seems to me that of everything you wrote this is the most significant given you appear to be more judgemental about yourself than anyone else. I am reminded of this adage “ No matter where you go, there you are.” You thought losing a few pounds was going to change your life, when it didn’t, you became disenchanted by the effort, and rebelled, now you stand on the abyss wondering why... Happy is a choice we need to make consciously every day. Sure some days it’s harder to make that right choice. Everyone fails but as long as you start stringing those positive choices together eventually it too becomes a habit...so... start making the right choice and eventually you will realize that you are worth the time
  • dancing_daisy
    dancing_daisy Posts: 162 Member
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    Hello Mini Matcha :) Thank you for sharing.

    I can relate a lot to what you're saying; the things you've been through, how you felt about yourself before these things really began and how you feel now. I think I may have gained about the same as you in a short space of time after running 5ks regularly during the week, lifting and taking classes. A big part of me didn't appreciate how good those things made me feel and I always felt I wasn't doing quite well enough.

    The toll of work transitions and relationship difficulties made me look for instant fixes like enjoying a forbidden snack or treating myself to all my favorite things in one meal.
    Thus begins the vicious circle.
    Quick fixes give many short lived highs and just as many lows. Not inspired to exercise and beating yourself up for not trying.

    You're right - your appearance is not important. I've eaten healthily and to a deficient for only 5 days. I don't look any different but I feel a whole lot better. I'm taking control and taking care of myself.

    Congratulations for breaking the circle and taking care of yourself xx
  • Sunna_W
    Sunna_W Posts: 744 Member
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    Sometimes the eating / dysmorphia is the symptom, not the problem. To get to the root of the real issue, it helps to have an action plan. That way you can completely overhaul your life and jettison those people and things that are toxic and literally weigh you down. It's not an over night fix, it takes time.

    Step 1: Make a list of the things you LOVE about your life; Of the things you LOVE, what can you do more of? Make a list of the things you HATE about your life; Of the things you HATE, what do you have the power to change? Create an action plan to address those things. Break these things down into actionable steps.

    Ref: https://womenslearningstudio.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Find-Your-Passion-follow-your-bliss.pdf

    I really like the above workbook. It asks the hard questions and provides some often much needed clarity.

    Step 2: Get a physical from a doctor that is going to spend more than 15 minutes with you, preferably someone with a background in hormonal management. Your hormones (reacting to stress) can make you crazy and make you hate your life. If you are spiking cortisol (the major stress hormone) your eating can get out of control.

    Ref:
    http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/why-do-i-feel-disconnected-the-cortisol-oxytocin-connection/
    https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/things-we-have-learned/
    https://www.yourhormones.com/signs-symptoms/

    You want a doctor that will work with you to balance your hormones, possibly check your thyroid (based on your symptoms, not your blood tests), and possibly also prescribe something to support your adrenals.

    Specifically is your DHEA in the normal range for someone your age?

    DHEA level refers to the hormone concentration by volume in the bloodstream. According to the National Institutes of Health, normal blood levels of DHEA depend on age, and within each age group there is a significant range. For women, DHEA levels tend to peak during late adolescence, when the normal blood concentration ranges from 145 to 395 micrograms per deciliter. DHEA levels begin to naturally decline by the age of 30. While normal levels for women in their 20s fall between 65 and 380 µg/dL, for women in their 30s and 40s, the average normal range is 45 to 270 and 32 to 240 µg/dL, respectively. By the time women are in their 70s, their DHEA levels are roughly 20 percent of what they were at age 20.

    And, just because you are in the "normal" range for your age, that isn't a good thing. Staying at the optimum youthful level can help a lot. Note: 7-keto DHEA is far safer than straight DHEA and will still raise your level and help you feel better. Similarly, low doses of Adrenal gland (like 80 mg) can really take the edge of your stress reactions and won't make you feel as though you have mainlined an espresso.

    Even if you are at a "normal weight", based on where you live and your ethnicity and your mother's condition when she was carrying you (was she stressed; did she get enough iodine; etc.) you can have a pre-existing issue relating to how you manage stress and what your body and brain do in times of stress.

    Step 3: Based on the lists you made in Step 1 reach out to a trusted friend or mentor (if you don't have one get one) and bounce off some of the ideas that came up as a result of the exercises in the .pdf just so you have some support for these new ideas.

    Many doctors are quick to prescribe anti-depressants which address the symptoms, not the root cause.

    You've got this! :)
  • costaricavacation
    costaricavacation Posts: 10 Member
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    For others reading this, please don't discount the possibility of depression in weight gain.
  • MiniMatcha
    MiniMatcha Posts: 41 Member
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    I really appreciate and thank everyone for their advice, support and comments. I do agree that this is something internally and mentally rooted that I need to work on. And I am taking steps to take care of not just my body but myself in general. I'm still staying positive as much as I can and will take everything into account. Thank you so much again..! I hope everyone else is finding happiness and strength as well..! :smile:

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