I'm back on FP after 3 years ...15kg heavier :( The cost of my MA degree.

Hi all
So i began workout out again and getting my life back on track 2 months ago when i finished my 2 year MA degree.

A degree that broke me in so many ways, mentally, physically, emotionally... I developed anxiety during it and have just had the most awful and stressful and intense 2+ years, and i'm still experiencing some anxiety symptoms but i'm really trying to calm down and accept the current situation and trying hard to forgive myself for the weight gain and lack of self-control. But there were really so many circumstances i don't want even for my worst enemy, so i try not to become too bitter about it.

I'm very motivated now to get healthier and was so sad when i weighed in for the first time in 3 years about 3 months ago, because even though i knew very well i had gained weight (i could naturally see it and feel it in my body and face), seeing the number on the scale was heartbreaking. But it made it even more real. I just cried and cried over it.

I joined a gym. I didn't actually GO to the gym for about a month or 1.5 month because i had some fear of going and i was in the limbo between wanting to go and dreading facing it, facing people, feeling uncomfortable in the new gym etc.

It's classic.

Also i gained a lot on my breasts, arms and back, and i feel self-conscious and uncomfortable in my skin.

But anyways, then i finally found the courage and i went to an intro to pilates class in the morning where there's less people, to start off easy and just show my face there. I was really happy after that. The first new time at the gym is so emotional, it's the feelings of guilt, shame, memories from when i was in good shape, the constant comparison with oneself and those earlier times, mixed with the positive feelings of motivation, of inner pep-talk, of trying to move forward and knowing one has to start somewhere.

Since then i've been going to Intro step aerobics Monday evenings, some yoga and pilates and doing some weight training on the machines.

It's not been enough as i need more cardio but just going to Step aerobics and working out in the gym has made me become a bit more confident and ready to take on other classes etc.

When i finished my degree and i started eating healthy, i had a lot of toilet visits because of water that just left my body, for 2 weeks i even woke up in the night several times to go to the bathroom. This was amazing to witness. I had really horrible eating habits as a student so my body must have been in shock as it took it 2 weeks to stabilize.

I hadn't weighed myself before that so i don't know how much that meant on the scale. I've tried to avoid the scale and just measure myself using clothes as indicators.

So i had this bra i got from my mom, it's huge, we're talking I-cup. In early August, when i started eating healthy and had all the water leaving my body, it didn't fit , i mean i could get it on but i couldn't breathe with it on.

In October it fit comfortably and i wear it all the time. My wish is to drop some sizes in breast size, and if i have to lose any weight i pray it will be from my boobs.

I don't care if they hang or whatever, i just want less breast fat because i get so self-conscious, i know people look (i hate when you talk to a person and they look on the breast area and you just know what they are thinking). I don't wear anything low cut and i try to cover up as much as i can.

Just to explain, i put on so much upper body weight that i can't fit my old clothes, my jackets won't close and shirts won't button. It's as real as it gets.

So that was a big event for me that i could fit this bra in October, and that's when i decided to weigh myself, so from August-October with all the water draining and healthy eating that also resulted in me being able to fit the bra, i think i dropped about 3-4 kilos (6-7 pounds). This means i must have weighed around 110 Kilos in August (242 pounds) Yikes!

When i weighed in in October i was weighing 105.9 kilos (233 pounds).
Since then i've been working out and eating healthy but can honestly do better and workout more.

I have been doing some cardio like Step Aerobics but just once a week which is not enough. The pilates and yoga is good but i need more cardio. The weightlifting has been good but also just 2 times a week. I'm glad though that i took it a bit slow as now i feel really that i WANT to go more and that i can actually physically handle taking on more because im not in the best shape.

My weight has been swinging between 103.2-104.3 kilos since November and my first part goal is definitely to get to under 100 kg and see 99.9 Kg on the scale. I wanted to achieve that before 2018 kicks in, but i don't think i will be able to drop 3-4 kilos in December.

I'm not eating any Xmas stuff apart from xmas eve so that i am not dragged in to this whole eating frenzy, and i've kept just regular eating routine with healthy normal food, veggies, proteins, fish etc and occasional fruit.

I'm also signed up for a gym class on 24th of December to earn a special gym badge

So there, i don't know if anyone will read this long story of mine, but the struggle is real, i've been in the struggle before, but this 15 kilo weight i had (now 10 kg) just was/is overwhelming.

When i logged on to FP it said my weight was 94 kg and my goal was - at the time- 84 kg. Now i wish i weighed 94 again haha! So i had to update my current weight to 104.3 Kg..

I have a graduation ceremony in the summer and it's also a motivational factor for me. I vision myself getting my degree that i really suffered a lot to achieve, but in a healthier body and healthier spirit.

My goal is to drop around 15-20 kilos (33-44 pounds) until July (in 6-7 months) in a healthy way as i am not into starvation or powder meals etc.

Has anyone in my weight-range achieved this amount in that time period?

Thank you and thanks if you read everything!