Holiday feelings

You are not alone. I get sad and depressed around Christmas too. Each year is different however, and I've managed to capture nice memories regardless of how I was feeling at the time. For instance, one of the saddest Christmases I ever had was when my ex-husband was suicidally depressed and I took him to NYC to forget about things by being in a different place. He had anger issues, which made me anxious when we were there, so I went for a long walk by myself to think. I felt safe being alone and let my mind drift as i looked at all the holiday decorations and lights. I bought a coffee to sip on the way back to face my failing marriage and the taste of the coffee and all the smiles and people in Santa hats I had seen that night is what I remember most, not the man who was disappointed in me and himself. The next year I was single and feeling alone. I was not close to my family at the time so I went to NYC again to get away from the depression I was left with from the residual effects of my first marriage and having myself sterilized during because I was convinced I "was a broken wife." It was a low point, especially when I realized I would never be able to see the sparkle in the eyes of a child of my own this time of year. For the most part, I focused on work during my break from work that year, but made a point to get out. I went to the movies and had Chinese and found myself surrounded by lots of people who didn't celebrate Christmas. I didn't expect to be surrounded by a bunch of people at the movies, but it I am glad I was and it made for another fun memory. I am remarried, but still succumb to bad feelings about not being able to have a child of my own to Christmassy things with. Luckily, I have women friends who also could not have children, but who spend their time helping others and making Christmas better for everyone, family or not. They have set an example for me.

This message turned out longer than I expected, but I want you to know you are not alone this time of year, and that Christmas can be happy or sad if you are alone or with someone. Doing something different helps me. I live in a rural community and don't have the option of packing up for NYC anymore, but I have been working in the woods after dark in the snow with a headlamp cutting my own private trail on our property. It keeps me in shape since I don't like going to a gym, and it gets me out of the house before I start binge watching Netflix with hubby. I much as I love stretching out with him, I also know I have to get exercise this time of year because we both gain weight in the winter. I am greatful for that though, because it keeps me warmer, and I love men with bellies after being with a manorexic body shammer in my formative years. I am greatful for friends. I am greatful I have friends who understand I like to be alone sometimes, but are still there when i am ready to come out of my shell. I still decorate a tree despite not having kids and I bake cookies for fridnds and even for my own family now. I am greatful for work when I want to forget myself. I am greatful knowing I'm not alone even though I feel that way from time to time. I hope you find things this holiday season that offer you good memories well into the future. I know I will, even if it is walking to the end of my road early Christmas morning by myself to enjoy the landscape and quiet. Take good care.